When life is reduced to bubbles…



WOW! I feel great today. NOT! I don’t feel like a massively preggo zombie at all! NOT! I thoroughly adore being woken up by my 2 year old this morning, who entered this world via my own vagina, singing ‘LA LA LA LA LAAAAAA’ in my ear, followed by ‘MUMMY WAKE UP…I’M COUNTING TO 3…PUT YA EYES IN AND GET UP NOW.’ Not!

The sun’s gone in and now so has my ‘ooh laa.’ My ‘ooh laa’s like a hard-on, it only pops up for a peeky when it thinks things are gonna be sunny. Yet once the dreariness rings in, tiredness and the cold, it shrivels back in with a ‘peeky squeeky’..then gets yelled at by hormonal 2 year olds. (In fact, that last part is nothing like a Hard-on…why would a 2 year old be yelling at you’re hard-on. Rubes does run around trying to find Keiran’s willy though. It’s like ‘Where’s Wally’ to her…but she never finds it and he’s not in a bobble hat and scarf.

I haven’t even seen Keiran’s willy in ages. He’s felt my bits up whenever he’s felt like it. He did the get my bare boobs out last night for a perv, under the false disguise of ‘wow, your pregnant body is beautiful. My son’s in there. I just can’t believe how all this has happened.’  It is true though. We’ve been together just over a year and a half. We crossed paths at a gym, where we initially just smiled at one another. 5 weeks later we were engaged. 11 months later we were married. Immediately after…we fell pregnant and in 3 weeks, we’re a happy family of 4..with a baby boy and a toddling girl. CRAZY! We’re fast movers. But I wouldn’t have it nay other way. He’s lovely. We’ve found our balance. I love being his wife and although that sounds soppy…it is. I love him. He’s made me really get back to who I want to be..what I want to stand for. We’re gonna do well in life…and just when he doesn’t realize it. I’m good at surprises. Be they ‘on purpose’ or ‘by surprise.’

Okay, so this morning, after a rubbish night’s sleep I woke up roughly, have no idea how I managed to pull myself together to get Ruby dressed and ready for nursery. She didn’t want to go today because she wanted to go to Meadowhall. Lol. She’s lovely right now because she’s so excited about everything and discovering life. Yeah she’s bossy and headstrong..but i’d rather have a girl be that way that a walk over. No man will trample all over my loin fruit…he’l have her own wrath to deal with..followed by mine…followed by my mothers. It’s a jolly chain of events.

Almost fell asleep at the wheel on the nursery run. Still knackered now. Had chatty banter when I dropped Baby Ruby off. (Everyone’s very eager for the birth of the new arrival. They see me every day growing…waddling…struggling, then pissing my self at how tragic I am.) It’s like i’m having a second ‘IT’ baby, as I remember there being all this fuss over Ruby when she resided ‘RENT FREE’ in my belly. The town is excited and I’m so knackered that i’m walking into things. Yipppeee. I need a wine. The only thing that’s changed is that i’m not taking iron tablets. I thought these things were meant to make me more energetic. I have another scan tomorrow and I have no idea why? Scans are apparently just to check the growth and positioning of the baby. Yet yesterday the doctor said the positioning was fine..she even saw it on the monitor herself..and well i guess the size is fine? However, a lady at nursery said (and she said it by growing cress) that because i’m slight in frame and my bump is quite massive…they might need to have a looky to see if he needs to be induced. (Keiran and his giant baby sperm. UGH!)

I think i need to get my groove on and get this baby OUT. Lisa who owns the nursery says that spicy food won’t work for me because i’m ethnic, so I’ve decided that i need the ‘i’m not white’ rule book to help induce my baby. I mean people have suggested bouncing on a yoga ball. WHAT? Now, I have no shame in my game..ever. Yet even I can’t bring myself to sit in my living room, under the chandelier, bouncing up and down on a giant yoga ball, in my bump, on my own…like the comedy Queen of nonsense. I’d feel awkward and rude. It reminds me of the time when I dated that random Mexican and when I went out to the shops, he secretly put on a porn of a Latina girl, with her floppy boobs out bouncing up and down on a yoga ball. It was hilarious because I knew he was addicted to porn, so Instead of bursting back in, i watched him through the blinds when I returned to spy. He wanked to it and everything…then I walked in. he acted like nothing had happened and flicked it onto Facebook at the speed of light. 🙂 Idiot. Pahaha. Maybe that’s why I fear yoga balls now?

He was so addicted to porn, that even if I took a trip to the corner shop in LA, in that 5 minutes of me being gone, he would whop out his willy and try to wank at comedy speed, whilst I was gone, in secret. I’m sooooo glad to not be with him anymore. 🙂 I’m happy with my dream man, new country, little girl, telly stints, marriage and baby on the way…with an upcoming career. He had a bedsit and a wanking problem. What was I thinking? He’s the guy that had a pitbull, that I ended up setting on him to attack him when he pissed me off. Why by pitbulls if you don’t want me to use them as my own weapon on you? He was a knob in the end and also ended up being quite domestically violent. He held me hostage…in a bedsit….not glamourous at all.  🙂 I had to get arrested just to get free…long story. Funny now though. NOT! What a twat!  He used to wrestle me publicly in restaurants out of anger. What a twat!

Okay, so…after dropping Ruby off, i decided I needed to drive into Ponty to run a few errands. I was so knackered that I actually felt like a zombie and banged into the curb TWICE…whilst driving. JEEPERS. I had no idea how I managed to get there, but i did and parked really badly, whilst forgetting why I had ventured into town. I had a look at more wardrobes and skimmed a market place…had nothing to really do, so just went to Boots because I needed comfort in good lighting by beauty products in my preggo haze.

I honestly must’ve walked into everything, dropped everything twice over, forgotten everything, lost my mind, waddled around aimlessly…forgotten more stuff, needed to be in bed, got stressed..craved a burger…and just heavy, lazy and preggo exhausted. I shouldn’t have gone into town because as soon as I was there, I realized that I didn’t need to be there, but just wanted to blink and be at home.

I drove myself so insane with my own carelessness that in the end I gave in with a’ fuck you life, ‘bought ‘Mummy & Me’ foam bath, that’s meant to thoroughly relax any pregnant woman with a waddle and a stressy cloud over her, then purchased everything else I could see..including this random lavender mist, that i’m supposedly meant to spray over Ruby’s bed to make her sleep. 🙂 Some use tranquilizers..:) I’m just going with the ‘mist’ and so one day I can win ‘Mummy of the year.’

I bought everything..then went to Cooplands and almost cried at how much I purchased to eat. It made me really sad. 🙂 Hello hormones. What is wrong with me today?

Got in the car, stuffed my face and dreamt of bath time.

Just got home and it’s now running. I’m starting the day again and i’m doing it the way I wanted! Give me bubbles. Give me bath. Give me a magical relaxing preggo formula to get me through this day merrily.

The bath..will be my entire day…with a touch of ‘Real Houswives…’ bliss! I really do need an ethnic girl, ‘bring on the labour’ rule book.



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