When it all goes tits up..

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Only I can drive a Mercedes around with a flipping TREE in the back of it with style. I’m actually proud of how much I actually managed to achieve today, on the ‘ME’ list and I reckon it’s all down to the fact that I began my day super early, instead of tossing it off for the ‘later..maybe,’ box.

I tottered around Doncaster, the merry town that birthed me.  I shopped…i tinkered, I tampered and just sort of went along with my day really. Then after about an hour, I sighed and I sighed because ‘one’ is a really lonely number. There I was, just kicking up dust on cobbles, letting time pass, around nothing that I really cared for, or anything that actually mattered. I’m not used to being on my own these days, as there’s usually a gaggle of loved ones around me…that it felt sort of lonely. It felt unnatural and like i needed to love and feel whole again. I wanted my babies around me! I don’t know what i’m gonna do when they’re older, other than raise them to adore their mother, as i’ll miss them being babies, when they do ‘being grownups.’ They’ll be just me and no one to care for and to say that I’m now a girl who no longer believes in true love…I don’t think it exists. I believe in relationships and companionship etc…yet the fairytale of what I one thought was the magic of ‘true love,’ i definitely do not believe in. It’s now sort of seems like a a glamourized version of normal love. It’s like having a plain cake and shimmering it with sprinkles, icing and delights, simply to make it look better. When really…when you look at it for what it is, it’s still just a big clump of cake..but with shit on. 🙂 Yet companionship, i believe in. That seems to make more sense. But don’t feel all horrified at my lack of love lustre, those of you who are frolicking in the midst of true love…as i’m only referring to my life…WUNNA LAND…where the boys don’t stay around forever and as the Hollywood saying goes, ‘forever’ means temporary. Like, i’ll never be romanced, loved and cared for the way all girls deserve to me. HOWEVER, it doesn’t mean YOU WON’T!! I know some GREAT COUPLES, who are a delight to watch! 🙂

But yeah, I had a conversation early today when i realised that when something is just going to stay the same…you kinda just have to get on with life and close the door on it out of complication. I don’t enjoy things that are made complicated or dashed with a negative attitude, because there is ALWAYS A POSITIVE TO EVERY SITUATUION. ALWAYS! It hurts me, then it bores me to tears, as in literally. Then i find that i get upset…and well the rest of the day was spent WEEPING..:)

Yep! Weeping!

I cried and cried and cried and cried….and simply because my heart felt soo sooooo sad and my tactic, when something, someone, or a situation has made me feel sooo sooo sad, is to simply shut off, don’t talk to it and walk away from it. That way it can’t hurt me anymore than it needs to. Plus, my body and mind is naturally a glitzy trooper and gets on with life merrily. I’m good like that and THANK THE LORD FOR IT!

But HEY, don’t see all this as bad, as i do believe you need those big cried to release a bundle of energy. You need those big talks to eventually be able to be in a place where you can forget about the bad things and see someone in a new light, don’t cha? The healing process is never a fun process…but it’s essential and healthy. And it can actually take yonks! 🙂 Depending on how much healing needs to me conquered…before you get back to ‘okay then…let’s do this…’

The quicker you feel something, shout out something, discuss, cry or whatever.. something…the quicker you heal from it. It’s only when you bottle it inside, or never let it out the bag, when it becomes harmful. However, in my mind, when things take too long, i just find them not worth the hassle anymore, as it gets draining. My recovery time is pretty decent and i honour that! I’ll pull my socks up, realise the wonderful things that I have going on in life…and enjoy them, with thankful smiles. 🙂

(Note to self: Good men, make things better. Bad men…make things worse.)

I’m back at work tomorrow…so i’m getting ready and prepping for it.

I feel like I have so much on my plate…

Let the anxiety begin…:) *Here it comes…*

 

 

 

 

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