Went on a ‘sort of’ date tonight, with someone i’m gonna call ‘Tried too Hard.’ I’m calling it a ‘sort of’ date because i simply wasn’t aware that we were on an actual date. *Hurrah.* I was under the misconception that we were going for drinks. My motivation for this date was the ‘drinks’ part and not the ‘boy with me’ situation. Therefore you can imagine my surprise (and i hate surprises…i really do,) when i arrive and suddenly realize that i’m not in ‘safe boner-free’ land anymore Toto. I had to fucking guard my body like it was allergic to air! I hated him trying to touch me without permission, or even giving me the eye. Made me want to do a sick and then hit him.
Yeah there’s nothing more awkward than a ‘sort of’ friend all of a sudden hitting on you, trying to feel you up, seductively whispering words like ‘your pussy’ on a fucking first ‘he thought it was a’ date (come on…go back to ‘Romance camp’ you twit) and automatically assuming you were his…without really even asking me if i even wanted to be part of the little shindig?? I thought we were just doing DRINKS! DRINKS Darling! I’m not anyones right now. I’m happy, independant and a current workaholic. I’m not finding anyone attractive for some reason??? Oh and i hate it when i say ‘work‘ to boys and they reply with a ‘Well you’ve got to play a bit more.’ Followed by a lecture on how to live my life. Play a bit bloody more!! I’ve been a socialite, lady of leisure, back from Hollywood kitten of madness. I’ve fucking PLAYED!! I don’t need a lecture on ‘fun.’ How do you think i got this cocktail of STDs, these party scars and a bag full of midgets, poker chips, money and broken hearts. I didn’t get them by sitting at home scrubbing your gussets! I understand ‘fun,’ it understand me. You can’t ‘out fun’ me. (God, how PMT am i right now??? lol *composes self.*) The reason why it makes me mad, is simply because it shows that they do not know me. And if they don’t know me, it shows they haven’t taken an keen interest in who i am as a person…and i just don’t like that. I take an interest in everyone!!!
Anyway, I went to a place i always go in Badsworth called ‘Rogerthorpe Manor.’ Lovely place. I do dinner there a lot with my family, but yeah…my company this time was not so pleasant and it was freezing. We sat in a corner table (i love corner tables) and immediately he tried to put on this odd ‘player player’ act. Tried to guess how i would want him to be, instead of being himself. He forgot that we were ‘friends’ and drunks and began a rather bumpy trail of transparent ‘future regret,’ in a noisey pub, around old people and beer bellies and beings who didn’t have to rush home to watch ‘I’m a Celebrity.’ I’ve dated A LOT. All types of men, all over the world, all different walks of life. And i’m talking hundreds. Therefore even though i will politely pretend i don’t know whatsa happening…(I mean i’m not rude…i’ll even let you play ur little sick game, i’ve mastered the art of the ‘Bimbo’) i can see right through things and in record time. As soon as the ‘nonsense’ began. I sighed and downed my rum. I am quite fond of nonsense, but i’m noticing that i’m really only quite fond of my own.
Within the first 15 mintues and i’m a friendly girl…i felt like i wanted to leave. And do you know what…I DID! (Applause please.) I mean i can even give you a moment to moment account. I don’t feel i need to stay at dates if i’m not having a good time. I’ve walked out on loads. But only if they’ve really crossed the line, and its amazing how many do. Here’s how it went:
Walked in. I gifted him with great tits..he gifted me with ridiculous pretend not funny ego and the gayest ‘too tight’ shirt in all of the land. I bought the drinks! (Hate that!) I was bubbly, smiley, complimented him on his hair. He was trying to be swarve, rude and said the word ‘pussy.’ I bought more drinks! (Hated that!) I’m now zoning out, bored and doing that thing where you make it blantently obvious that you are hating every minute of his presence. He talks about sex and my Glamour career, dolloped off with what he wants to do to me sexually. I get up, text a car to come get me. He all of a sudden looks extremely lost, turns all lovey, sweaty, scared and ‘baby baby.’ I do a hair toss. He repeats the word ‘sorry‘ over and over again. I step into the car. Door slams shut. I drive off into the distance, as he stands outside the manor with his ‘all alone’ boner.
But thank god i left, as i’m completely addicted to ‘I’m a Celebrity’ right now, and it was the best episode yet! How sexy was Gino tonight! He’s all italian and ballsy and manly and (oh i can’t go on, i’ll faint before bed, and we all know i fall down drunk and ‘pass out’ not *faint* myself to sleep. I’m a better role model than that ffs!!) Grabs teddy..pukes off the side of the bed. Pouts! Winks! (Hears cheering.)
I’ve written all of this from a freezing cold store room, in a hot pink hoodie, with a clock that *TICKS* extremely loud. It’s almost as if it’s quite rudely counting down my life for me. (Tick, tock, tick…dead) Bed for me. Love you x