‘Chrissie It’s New Year. You have to buy shoes.’
‘I’m not a shoe starved, flute playing Gypo…I have loads!’
‘Well i kinda just need you too be with me, whilst i buy dildos!’
‘Oh Mum. Not this again!’
So yeah, every new year I go and buy a brand new set of heels. It’s of high importance to Me that it is done before January 1st and they need to be the perfect pair, as they will pretty much determine how the rest of my year pans out. (Oh shut up. It’s True! You Dirty Nits!) I came back with 5 pairs. So i guess, it’s a year of abundance….or clumsy ‘left my shoe in a gutter’ madness. Both I class as pretty good.
The perfect pair is almost vital, as they are the things that will walk Me into the next chapter…the next day…the next moment of my life. I tend to treat shoes, like i treat my men. I have one pair, that i will wear, all day everyday, until i’ve simply worn their ‘pretty pounce’ into the ground and they’re forced to tell me to ‘fuck the hell off.’
You should never walk in another mans shoes. It’s someone elses story and will lead you astray. You should never trust anyone who’s comfortable in a pair that’s not their own. They’re deceitful little imps. If I fail to buy a new pair, that represent how I wish my year to turn out. Then I’ll be stuck in an awkward non- moving, tired ass rut. And that’s not pretty. I become highly destructive and i’m too old to still be doing the ‘do-lally’ thing.
You can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear. It tells you their story. It’s almost too telling. So when someone’s face is opening and closing and you’re still somewhat unsure as to whether their speaking the ‘shit of da bull’. Just progress your eyes to the leathery, rubbery or clothy parcels they have wrapped around their feet and you’ll beable to read them in about 4 words. (I am, just making all this up!)
Oh and boys…if you see a girl with bad feet. Don’t shun her (unless she has like 6 toes. That’s just uneccessary.) It simply means she wears impractical shoes. Girls who wear impractical shoes are irrational, impulsive, unstable but EXCELLENT in bed!!! It’s a score everytime! I totally recommend them. But saying that, everyone knows not to take my shit advice. I’m whacked. She really could just have a terrible set of clompers….then ya fucked. (And not the good kind!)
Chrissie Wunna x
ps/ This time 2 years ago, I was in LA trying to get myself on a guest list for a last minute New Years Eve party. I asked very chipperly, ‘What time does it all start tonight?’ They said, ‘New Years Eve is tomorrow…you idiot!’