I actually finally feel WHOLE, complete and that i’ve currently reached the age that i was always supposed to be and when you feel whole and complete, you finally feel like you can take over the world. The on ly other time i felt this powerful was when i was a wife. I mean, when i was 21, i’d always feel lost and like i was supposed to be 25. Then when i was 25, i’d feel like i was supposed to be 18. Twenty six was just average (a nothing age.) 28 felt wrong…I mean even though i’m known to act in quite a juvenile fashion, my mind is extremely well developed. I’m wise beyond my years due to all this ‘life experience’ thing i’ve got going on. It humours me when people don’t see that and forget that i’ve been brought up in a world of ‘showbusiness.’ I FINALLY feel the correct age. The age i was supposed be. I mean you’ll all go through it. Infact, you probably are going through it. But right now i’m together, solid and strong. And well that… armed with viscious ‘Va Voom,’ and a pure pure heart… is dangerous. I have a massive career year ahead of me, and i’ve never felt so ambitious, so determinded, so ruthless and so powerful. (I’m fucking LOVING it!!) Watch out…i’ll boulder past you. There’s no stopping me now. I’ve been given the two thumbs up. I’ve got rockets in places were rockets should never venture.
Other than that, i’m LOVING Christmas time up north. I needed a break and well being here is even making me rethink the whole ‘going back to London’ thing. I love LA. It’s my home and oddly the north reminds me of it. London is wonderful, but i can only take it in small doses before i’m completely losing myself, and crying myself to sleep. (woohoo!)
On the boy front. I’m being handed a silver platter of options. It’s actually given me hope in boys again. I mean, i’m an honest girl. I’m not one to pretend that i don’t want something if i want it. How do you think i did so well? Hahah…i’m no wall flower. I usually get what i want, and it’s not always because of the power of ‘tantrum.’ It’s really simply because I ask. I’m a ballsy girl, and well if you don’t ask, you don’t get. I’ve decided to be 100% open, in 2010. I am anyway. But towards the end of ’09. I began to close up. Not sure why? I felt like the year was dragging ass.
But anyway yeah, i thought that by stating my honest feelings about wanting to settle down with a ‘handsome,’ have a baby, and build a career alongside a ‘happily ever after’ would terrify any man into submission. BUT NOT AT ALL. It seems guys want that just as much, according to my inbox. You’ve been writing me the most beautiful things and yeah, it’s ‘Umphed’ my FAITH in men. There really are wonderful males out there and i’ve realized how hard it is maybe being a man? They are far more sensitive than women, but are sort of forced to hide it. They’re not commitment phobe, they’ve just been hurt and haven’t voiced it. But i will say that boys are very different to MEN! I know who i am, what i am, what i want and that’s sexy. I enjoy that in a male too. I’m not keen on wishy washy at all. And what i’ve realized that it’s not age that makes the man. It’s his emotional history and his strength. You can be a ‘MAN’ trapped in a little boys body. Or a ‘BOY’ trapped in grown ass mans body. The same goes for the opposite (far superior) gender.
I’ve always been a WOMAN. I know that, because i can ‘play‘ little girl very well. It’s the ‘fun’ in me and i love my playful side. Yet youcan’t ‘play‘ woman…if you are a little girl. But my basic structure is WOMAN. I am a woman and a bloody FIRECE ONE!! I’m the female who will find the man of my dreams, (he’ll have a dream…i like an ambitious, & talented man) and i’ll make his dreams come true, take care of him, grab his hand and guide him through life & shelter him from all the horror and the hurt. I’ve done it before. It’s one of my greatest strengths. (I can take a beat down & pop back up with a cocktail in my hand.) I understand people…especially men (in their 20’s,) i mean i grew up around them in Hollywood, one of the most emotionally toughest places in the world and once you understand someone, you connect with them. I’ve always been the girl that all men have gone to for help…so if you do anything today, try and understand the people that hurt you the most. I want to be part of a POWER couple and that’s gonna take work.
I read this quote on someone’s Facebook profile this morning: ‘Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better 2 leave them broken than try 2 hurt yourself putting it back together”
That’s the biggest load of bullshit i ever heard! Making something work… often hurts, in anything, not just love. Nothing worth having is ever easy peasy and life weeds out the faint hearted in seconds. I don’t believe in leaving ANYTHING broken. (My Mother taught me well.) Remember that ‘winners are problem solvers.’ I don’t give up on ANYTHING. I feel it’s the awfullest thing you can do. Whether it be a person, or a dream.
I once gave up on someone, for a tragically foolish reason..well my reasons were GUILT and FEAR. I always thought i’d get over it. Infact, i was so smart i even fooled myself into believing i had. But let me tell you. It’s been years and i regret it, even to this day and i’ve had to live with that ‘baby pain’ (even though it’s baby sized, it’s still quite ‘ouchy,’) for the rest of my entire life…and it’s still as fresh as yesterday. Do not give up on anything, or anyone that has your heart. If you would rather leave someone ‘broken‘ because you daren’t ‘hurt’ or you’re too lazy to by putting them back to together…then you’re a cowardice bufoon. I love everyone, and want everyone to feel WHOLE and love what they have. Everybody deserves a helping hand, someone who believes in them..even when they make mistakes. I’ve been a mistake maker my whole entire life. I struggled it out by myself and i always wished i had someone who would help me. I swore on my life (which is very precious to me…it’s all i have)…that i would never give up on anyone ever again. (Include yourself in that ‘anyone.’) It goes for everything…love and career. More people DON’T make it because they GIVE UP on it. Don’t be that person. Love hard!!!