Hey Sugars! I’m feeling much better. I don’t know if it’s because the sun’s come out or the simple fact that i’m now surrounded by bustle, home life, children and love, or maybe it’s because I finally had one of those good old naps! One of those ‘close your eyes and go to sleeps by accident,’ naps. It’s the kinda nap that you don’t realize you’re about to take, but you find yourself waking up from one, after a good solid hour and simply because it was much much needed….with drool dripping down your chops and a super cry dry mouth, because it’s been wide open the whole time.
I haven’t been sleeping much, and instead finding myself wide awake at five o clock in the morning, or even earlier. Today, i napped..and now i’m back to steaming salmon for tea, doing homework with Ruby and feeling like i’m filled with purpose again. It feels amazing. The children are brimming open with happiness right now and as a mum, you can’t help but beam from it!
So yeah, i don’t know what it was or why I felt maungey? But certainly of recent I sort of let everything get the better of me and let mood swings swing up, there and everywhere. They swung so madly that they coiled themselves up into a tight little conundrum and just like helium balloons, floated off into the skies, leaving me to be chipper. I feel great again now.
Now, I’m a girl who’s lived an amazing life. I’ve seen and enjoyed it all. Romanced. Laughed, lived and loved on almost every continent. Danced. Smiled. Celebrated in glamour, with the closest friends (I always regards my LA friends as the people who know me the best, other than my family,) I’ve married movie stars, had brushes with fame, enjoyed an exciting career, champagne tipped the highs, swirled right down the plug hole to the lows. But every time i’ve got back up…smiling and unscathed. I feel really lucky because I was never the girl who stayed where she started and did nothing. I’ve done a lot, seen a lot and felt a lot and those are some of my fondest memories ever. But that’s just MY story. Everyone has their own. Meaning if you have stayed where you started…and you’re still loving it, then that’s just as great, because each and ever beings 100 years means something.
I’m one of the best people anyone could ever know. As i’m a loyal friend, a strong girlfriend, a loving daughter and a playful Mother. Yet with me….there’s a *trigger.* Relationships with boys, even though I can get into them quite easily…terrify me. And because of my history,..when things start to go wrong, I panic and I fill myself with fear and make sure i stop it all from happening…just so i can feel safe again. ‘The bringing in of new children’ is also a trigger for me. As even though I did it, I severely remember how heartbroken and how hard everything was when I became a single mum of two. (With Pete is wasn’t so bad, as Pete is a pillar of support.) But my heart was really broken when my marriage to Keiran broke down…I was a shattered human being…like anyone would be really…I went on as normal, in a happy, ‘chin up’ manner, for the children…but I don’t like to fall pregnant…or to even think that I would have another child…because as soon as any moment involving anything like that happens… I flash back straight to that past time…which I finally got over and gosh it took years…BUT I DID IT…i didn’t date, I focused on work, making money and caring for my babies…and I DID IT. I DID IT. But yes, it’s a *trigger,* life moment for me, so as you can imagine how much everything that i’ve been going through over the past few weeks has sent this little kitten into a spin…a spin cleverly disguised, because that’s what we women do 🙂 under lots of bronzer, fluttery lashes and a customer service smile.
I mean gosh, i’d been trundling around all pregnant and all sorts. Over two whole months pregnant…stressing out.
Yet, like i said, it’s almost all nearly over now. The nap was good. I’m armed with a bustle of a happy time. Ruby and I are off to have a dance together in the living room, whilst we snack on celery. (Her choice.) And it kinda feels good to get it all off my chest!