Okay it’s probably better to not have a bottle of wine with lunch, with only a goats cheese salad, then go into a ‘Next’ outlet store and do a performance of Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’ song and dance that you learnt from Samuels gay friend Josh in a London club when trollied. Everyone stares at me in that place anyway and watches my every move when i shop, trying to figure out if they dare come up and talk to me…so there really was no need to make a ‘Watch me’ scene in such an extravagant manner. I felt tipsy and sort of on top of the World…so i thought i’d celebrate…by making a fool of myself in public and the stores just let me do it!! Why??
The moment i saunter in there with my piercing voice of Chlamydia that screeches across a cluttered room, is the moment that i should be politely asked to leave. However i get cheered on and before you know it ‘Beyonce’ is on in the background and i’m drunken singing and dancing to it through rails of half priced clothing for 15 year old girls and making them join in with every chorus. I had a merry circle of ‘Lovelies’ put their wedding finger up, wiggle it, shake their sweaty arse and shout ‘You should’ve put a riiiiiiing on it!’ I was accidentally making them be sober retards. I had an excuse. I was sauced up on wine in celebration. Luckily after eating a whole banofee pie…i sobered up quite quickly and bought 7 packs of over sized eyelashes. (Pout.)
So today believe it or not i was in a fashion show. Yeah little me. I was asked to come join in the merriment and get my ‘strut’ on. I have actually attended a lot of fashion shows before. Yet i’ve never actually been IN one…so it was a little bit odd really. But i LOVED it. I only had 2 outfits to wear because they were doing some kind of ‘We got BBF Chrissie to come give us a strut’ thang and as soon as i walked back into the dressing area…it turned into MADNESS. There was all this rushing, spraying, clipping, sewing, pushing, pulling and frantic trying to walk in shoes 10 times to big for me!! I knew they were gonna put me in something odd, quirky but ‘Glamour puss’…as i guess it’s what i do now. But instead they put me in NO CLOTHES. Part of my outfit was actually painted on. I felt amazing, like i should probably be worshipped by all kinds of decent beings. My second outfit was a bit too ‘Willy Wonka/Porn’ though. Yet i did however get to hold a random pussy….(cat) with me on my walk, to ‘Can i have it like that?’ So it was all good in the hood. I then signed a few bit’s of paper, posed for perfect piccies and called a bunch of minors ‘Sexy Bitches.’ I’m quite kissy, kissy, touchy feely, if you ever get to meet me…and yes it is only because i’m trying to feel you up for free.
I’m bringing you all down with me, you dirty slags!!