The Post-Sex Shi-Boogie

The things that guys do immediatly after a bedroom shuffle, is almost nearly, but not really -amazing. I was on a random morning strolly stroll dressed for Summer, in Winter with a chick friend who had stayed over. She accidently got diddled by another one of my other darling buddies last night. Poor Slag!  It happens! Infact, as i strutted into my bathroom this fine morn. I bumped into ‘male in tighty whities’ brushing his teeth and Zoolander posing in the mirror. I don’t like ‘bumping’ before 9am. I froze, peeked at his man pouch and politely uttered ‘ You’re the LAST person i wanted to see in his underpants. It’s like Planet of the fucking Apes in here.You make those boxers look like a thong.’  He stopped, grabbed a towel and in a delicious moment of panic, RAN as fast as his dear legs could take him. (I have that effect on men.) Didn’t even say ‘Cheerio’ to his shag piece. It was hilarious! I chased him all the way around the house, rollers in my hair, arms open, doing fake kissy lips and asking him whether he wanted a ‘2 for 1.’ Then a horrid flush of memories came back…it was almost as if God was punishing me. (The vicious bastard.)

Everyone thinks i’ve had some of the most wonderful men in the world. That is soooo far from the truth, it’s almost ‘i should go lesbian’ ridiculous. I’ve had a mucky handful of ‘men’-yes. Yet the ‘wonderful’ part of the combo is usually… ME! I always say i make a great girlfriend now because i’ve made so many mistakes in the past. (But It’s just a line a use to get men.) So here are some of my ‘Post-Sex Los Angeles Shi-Boogie’ experiences: (To prove that although i am mostly GREATER than you…i’m probably just as tragic… at times.) All smiles!

One boy gave me his headshot, whilst we were still in bed. Another told me he had to go see his girlfriend. One kicked me out to sell houses. One offered me a tray of doughnuts. Another demanded to spoon but like forever. One boy tried to hold me hostage. There was another who used me, and took a picture. Then a sweet one, that i didn’t fancy sang me a love song. One started to fold my clothes. Another hid in my closet.  One through me out a window naked. One used me to pass the time before his drug dealer arrived. One unfortunately asked me my name. One diddled me to become popular. Another asked for my hand in marriage. One called my MOTHER England. One wiped up on my curtain and went downstairs to see his mum. One of them panicked, looked guilty and ran off. One disappeared in a puff of smoke. Another was still talking dirty to me??  One left a $10 bill on my nightstand. One wanted to play ‘Happily Ever After,’ and another stated that he didn’t believe in sex before marriage? One acted out his Greys Anatomy audition sides and another boy was gay. The rest i guess just wanted me to be their glorious ‘Happy Ending.’ (Both senses of the phrase. ) Love You Longtime? Methinks not. It’s just a graceful exit to the curb.

Chrissie Wunna

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