Teenagers, Love, Boobies & Cramp

Had an amazing day with my boy of ‘Lover-Lover’ today, after a night of not getting even a *winky* of sleep due to my belly perfoming all sorts of ‘baby cramp.’ I actually though i needed a poo, so staggered up like a haggard floozey of ‘blind’ smashed into as many ‘in the way’ objects as possible, tripped over a couple of kittens, sat on the loo, with my nighty hutched up and realized that i was actually PREGNANT and not in need of a ‘bowel release.’ It’s annoying when i forget i’m preggo. I’ve started to have nightmares, but that’s because i saw a lady on BBC3..a ginger lady, who loved Yoga, give birth in a giant paddling pool, in her living room, whilst moaning sexually, in some ‘Downward dog’ position, as her family stood around with frying pans? My own Mother looked at me and said,‘That could be you!’

ME!!!! Well yeah, thanks for that. It’s just what i needed to hear, right now!  My future is one of downward dogging in paddling pools. Don’t be ridiculous! Firstly, I won’t be moaning, i’ll be SCREAMING and well you’d have to KILL me in order for me to get fully, ‘muff out’ moany naked, in a living room plastic pool and have a human be squeezed out of my vagina and to the art of Yoga. I hate Yoga. It’s more awkward than calming. Plus even the sheer thought of my brother, Pete’s Mother and maybe the cat having FRYING FUCKING PANS at the ready, to scoop out my birth water makes me shudder with PAIN! PAIN i said!!  Her baby came out BLUE! Yes BLUE, i said! That can’t be right? I don’t think entering life drowning is polite. It’s rude. I’m having a happy, GLAMOUROUS (with maybe a bit of swearing) birth…and you think i’m kidding! I will be spray tanned, nailed, eyelashed and  groomed. Then with a gentle *wink,* ease out my beautiful spawn of darling, to gentle applause and with diamonds in my ears and hair that suggests ‘Kitty cat!’ Champagne will then be passed around and i’ll wake up from my dreamy haze, realize i’ve bred and PANIC madly. Yoga paddling pool….my arse! ( I love my use of the English language.)

So yeah, i woke up later than expected today, after rolling around with *cramp,* that i cleverly mistook for ‘needing a poo.’ I often forget i have a *bump,* look down and *shock face* myself in fear! But really, i’m lying. I CAN’T WAIT for the big day and deep down it’s going to be the most magical thing i’ve ever done. (*Blushes.*)

Plus, thanks to Cupid, i have the most WONDERFUL partner. Who looked nothing short of delicious today. He’s sweet, charming, loves like a fairytale and makes me happy. His body is to die for. he knows this and walks around in a towel. I love him for this. Plus, we’re just the best of friends…ever. We get on soooo well. I gave him my heart and chose to breed with him. That’s how confident i feel about our relationship. (And i’m never confdent in my choice of boy, because they always turn out to be right dickheads..)We all have that ‘ONE’ guy or girl out there for us. Our perfect emotional fit. You don’t even have to try and find them. I truely believe (and simply due to my love bunniess) that you’ll accidentally be pushed together, without even realizing. I believe in fate whole heartedly. You should to. Focus in what you want in life, rather than what you DON’T want or DON’T have.  Just take it easy, live it, refrain of the art of ‘crave’ (which can make you pretty desparate) and wonderful things will happen. They always do! All you need to do, in order to be happy, is to simply CHEER up.

Spent the day with Loverboy today and after spag bol with his family live couldn’t have been better. He got the keys to the new place today. Exciting stuff! I love new chapters. I encourage people to adventure into them….drunk.

Anyway, yesterday, i tried to make Piggy banks out of clay, due to me going mildy insane. My work load is like some sexy ‘pile on’ and can be quite difficult to get through when you’re being distracted by hotties, in every corner. Drifting away from the hotties, i will tell you that i’m currently being hit on my teenagers..which is always a *snooze-fest* for me, because it’s pointless and incorrect for me to *pounce* upon them. Due to me dating a couple of ‘younger than me’ boys, it’s opened this whole new world of teenage love for me. (I didn’t date teenagers by the way. I’m 29. I dated boys who were 20-24.  That’s young for an old hag like me. )

Now, i dont mind a respectful teenage boy. I have young male fans. That’s fine. I love my job, my world, my life and definitely love the adoration. Yet it seems teenage boys often don’t take ‘NO’ for an answer. They really do think, they can win you with their lack of charm. I’ve had a couple of them attempt to ‘woo’ me with their version of rubbish bedroom talk in the last 20 minutes…which i find mildy and kinda of  rightly ‘EWW.’ (I’m timing pervs by minutes now. That’s how insane it’s got.)

 I mean, a teenager pretending he’s all grown up and horny can be rather scary. Funny, but scary. It’s like a 5ft 3, young parcel of pervage, rocking a swagger of ‘i’m terrified, but i’ll pretend i’m cocky, because i haven’t taken the time to find out anything about you, but think you’re a slag with boobies, who probably likes sex.’  At my age you’ve been through it all and met every kind of boy imaginable. So it’s funny to see the ‘young’uns‘ try and get their banter on with the Queen of bedroom Kitty cat. I just *roll my eyes-pose for a picture* and wish them a good day. They shout out the size of their willy and well, i just walk on…terrified. I’m not even into grown up boys who attempt to *woo* me with ‘willy’ size. They’re the type of boy that once in the bedroom with ‘The Wunna,’ would SHIT THEIR PANTS literally. They do not even KNOW, what they’re messing with…hence why i don’t mess with them. They have their heart to be broken, by much younger fresh faced kitties of innocence, yet!

However..yes…( a bit distracted there.) Tried to make piggy banks out of clay. That’s what being preggo has reduced me to! Clay and turning them into money saving pots of farmyard joy. (I don’t enjoy farm yards or pigs for that matter.) Believe it or not, i’m quite artsy, so i did enjoy the making of them. Yet decided to leave it to the experts. It would be fun to have my OWN line of piggy banks out for the drunken masses. Y’know…to encourage Kittens to SAVE their money, instead of spazzing it on lip-gloss and dancing boys like ME! Yet i simply can’t be arsed. I’m really good with money these days and it’s ever so disappointing really. Gone are the days of throwing it through the air shouting ‘i’m BEAUTIFUL,’ whilst waking up in my own vomit…that i paid for. Piggy banks are the way forward, because it’s like saving money without even realizing you are. Realizing you are…is just far less sexy innit.

Other than all that, i need a new phone, i’m being pranked called at least 4-6 times a day, i feel dolly delicious, my agent is right this second arranging my studio time, where i will be forced to try and SING! I’m wanting to do something Charitable for Christamas, but nobody will let me, as i’m apparently far too inappropriate to be the face of any Charity. (Hmm…how nice and not ever JUDGEMENTAL of them. Just because i have boobies that have sometimes popped out in the past…doesn’t mean i don’t, love, give and at Christmas. INNIT. *Does Bimbo face.* I’m harmless….in flat shoes.)

The only other thing that’s happened, aside from the book writing and the cosmetic line ‘do-daa,’ is the fact that i loved Pamela Anderson on Jeremy Kyle today and Liam from Endemol, fro channel 4 would like me to audition for the million pound drop. #Wunnawinsnillions

Stay glamourous, rock the sexy, live it, love it and be BRAVE, BOLD and ‘ooh laa.’ Give love to anything you can and do it all with a wiggle and awink honey pies! xxxx (Dreams come true. Yours will too. Sometimes you just have to sit back and let them.)


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