Taking a Deep Breath

OMG i’ve just spent the last 2 hours locked out of my own appartment, in the cold, after completely losing my keys. I’ve been a bit ill all day, and decided i needed food, so (like ya do) i popped out to my local Chinese joint to find me a bit of ‘yum yum.’ Get back, rummage in my clutch…keys GONE!! After a few moments of the old Wunna coolio….i then had a mild ‘pretend i wasn’t panicking’ ginormous PANIC attack. (I’m good like that!) It was freezing, it was late, it was dark, i was ill..i called all the appropriate people (i’m an independant girl…i can usually sort out most problems with a slicky ease) but yeah NO-one was reachable or really could be bothered to help me. (Which i didn’t like AT ALL. Now i’m a helpful girl. I’ll help anyone with anything, and have done repeatedly. I’m the girl you can count on in a  sticky situation and everyone knows that about me.) But yeah even the locksmith couldn’t be arsed to come out and pick a lock, because ‘aaah wait’ it was COLD! (‘Oh that’s okay sir, i’ll just die and get raped by gang members…’.) Hmm…aren’t the Brits nice! If i was in LA right now, i believe i would’ve been helped within seconds. Infact, it’s happened to me before…and i was… by a stranger.

Anyway, I was still all cool about it all, until after i made the 20th phonecall…and still had no help. (Lovely…selfish darlings.) I did what any girl would do at this point and called my mother, but I kinda styled it out. I mean, i don’t like people to know i’m in trouble, when i’m really in trouble and they can’t possibly help. It’s my pride & i’m a lot less ‘Drama Queen’ than you imagine. But I realized i was getting rather stressed and i was imagining having to be out in the cold all night, just on the street until 9am, which is the only time that i could pick up new keys. The sucky part about it was the fact that i could see my appartment, all warm and cosy. Yet couldn’t get in it!! UGH! Kill me! And i’m on my period!!!! It fucking shot me straight back into a flashback moment of the time i was left  homeless in New York and once in LA…due to seriously poor choices in men. God it was awful. And yeah, with my lovely bag of spareribs, (that was beginning to annoy me,) my clutch bag, my leopard print fur and a bottle of coke…i FREAKED the fuck OUT! OMG…i went Ape shit! The good thing about going Ape shit, is that you can only calm down after it.

So i made the best choice and called the person who i relied upon most in a time of ‘ape shit’ crisis. And that calming influence was ‘Lashes.‘ We’re just friends now, but he’s never really done me wrong, in a time when being a MAN mattered. He’s very good at taking that role with a macho ease…he enjoys it. And men like to be  sort of needed. I call. He doesn’t pick up! UGH!! 5 mins. He calls back. I tell him what’s happened. He laughs. I’m immediately calm. Laughter is something i can relate to and my mind or the way i work is something he can relate to. I mean even his voice is calming. I sort of felt protected. I stop my panic. I begin to find the positive. I get my ‘Va Voom’ back…i mean fuck it i was in a fur and the best heels ever. Hottest ‘no homed’ person ever!! But yeah. I do everything he tells me to. (Which makes a change.) And within 5 minutes, after 2 hours of annoying homelessness..i retrace my steps and find my keys.. on the street! They were laying there, all cold, wet and smiley. THANK FUCKING GOD! That was my ‘Welcome to DECEMBER’ Wunna!!

You have NEVER seen a happier person. HOLY shit. I ran back into my appartment, like an overly gleeful boobied elf on crack! You just can’t IMAGINE how grateful i am right for a warm bed, food,  light, sheets and even four walls. It made me appreciated the simpliest things, that half this world do not have! I’ll never take anything for granted ever again. Ever! And half the people that didn’t help me…DO!! I mean that could’ve been them at any point! I think what made me panic was stress. I’d been made quite angry by someone earlier in the day and it affected me, as i’m the girl that thrives on happiness & laughter!! It’s the number one killer, ‘Negativity.’ Remember that. Do not hang around negative people. Their distinct lack of ‘ooh laa’ will get you down. I mean, their ships a sinking and boy you don’t wanna be on it. You want to be doggy paddling your sexy arse back to safety. (‘Cry a river, build a bridge and get OVER it.’)

So, I’ve celebrated like any decent human being by naked rolling all over my bed, and eating feasts of yum yum’ whilst doing ‘happy’ dances like NO other. It seems sometimes i forget how lucky i am and well I am sooo grateful for everything. EVERYTHING!! I have such an amazing life and I kinda needed that to happen to get me back to feeling 100% excited again. I currently feel unstoppable…which makes not only happy…but dangerously sexy. I mean it’s about 1.30am and i could’ve been out on the street, all alone right now, with still 7 1/2 hours to go left, until i could MAYBE get new keys and what makes me sick is that they’re are people out there right now having to do that, without an option…EVERY NIGHT!! And people don’t care!

It kinda also made me realize that maybe being a single independant girl, isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe we do need a MAN? I’m very used to taking the draining ‘leader’ role. The sorting myself and other people out. A few of the boys i date, are used to me doing everything for them & i don’t like that at all. I feel a man should be a man and it’ s what i need. But for the first time in a long time, i felt like a little girl, a female, a woman, when talking to ‘Lash.’ Well i always do when talking to ‘Lash’ as me naturally takes the male role.. in some cases…which i’m not used to with most. (Haha…you can tell i’ve dated some useless pansies.) But anyway, i liked it because it made me feel protected and looked after. Which made me realize that i enjoy that. I guess all i’m looking for as a girl, in a partner, is a big man to take me in his arms and tell me everythings going to be okay. Which would oddly make me the same as every other normal girl. (Omg…that actually just made me all teary eyed. I’m being tragic. It’s the hormones.) The only man to have ever done that with me has been Mikey. I could rely on him for anything ALL of the time. He was 100% Man and i was 100% girl. Y’know, it’s not about finding the right partner, but more about being the right partner. I’ve been a pretty great partner…to all of my exes and deep down, they know it. Hence why they never forget me. Regardless as to how hard they try 😉

I feel a good blog month coming on….I’m gonna start truely opening up. It’ll be less of the ‘think’ you know me and more of the ‘get’ to really know me.