Swings, Balloons & Calm Downs

I’m sooo tired, but it’s funny. Sunshine fun, juicy gins, long evening walks, family time, filming, 5am wake ups….and old age, is doing me over.

I was on the Capital Breakfast show this morning. (Just on the phone though, after the school run, with Ronan Kemp…as the London Breakfast show, has taken over the Yorkshire one. However, Adam & Jojo are now on at ‘drive time.’ )

Today’s topic was Wednesday Weirdness and as a result peeps had to share their WEIRD Celebrity dreams.

I’m there in Ackworth, with Ruby & Junior, doing the school run in joggers, fluffy pink sliders, BUT with my whole entire face done, like i’m headed to Vegas, my dangly diamond earrings in AND my Lovisa hand jewelry. Haha I weirdly COULD be arsed to do my face and decorate my body. However, couldn’t be arsed to get dressed appropriately and look presentable.

Wait a second, Ronnie’s (@ronniecwoo) sent me a message on Insta…

Ronnie: ‘So does Tuesday *&*&*&** or Wednesday &*&*&*& work better for you?’

(I’m so excited to see him.)

Anyway, long story short. I’m waffling. Producer Tom from Capital calls…tells me, to tell my ‘Idris Elba’ story…and with a..

‘Pull over, get ya phone off speaker, stay on the line and I’ll chat to you on the show in a minute…’

So, i’m stood on the side of the road, half asleep, but trying to get my ‘upmh’ on, looking like a mixture of RuPaul’s Drag Race and ‘the slums,’ with my phone pressed to my ear, waiting to tell my Idris Elba story to Ronan.

Basically, I once dreamt that I was on a boat with Idris Elba, in the sunshine. I was in a bikini, he was just in his pants! (Haha! Wahey!) Anyway, he was teaching me how to take a good selfie, but I kept being rubbish at it, so he got mad at me, I cried and to make me feel better he gave me a cheese sandwich.

Haha…That is an actual recurring dream…that I have. If you know me personally, you will know this dream. It’s creepy and beautiful all at the same time!

But, what on this EARTH is WRONG with my mind!!???!! Why would it waste such a wonderful DREAM OPPORTUNITY, with ‘The Sexiest Man Alive,’ on a cheese sandwich.

Anyway and ofcourse, because this is Wunna Land and only strange things happen here, I got to tell the entire NATION this morning.

I literally always end up in THE BEST situations. Haha.

What I actually wanted to tell you about was my little evening trip to Rogerthorpe Manor last night. Rogerthorpe Manor is actually my local, so I figured that the kids and I would take a sunny walk up for dinner and casual playing on the swings. (I pretended to be a cowboy all the way up.)

I love it at Rogerthorpe. It’s chilled. I hardly ever show up there if i’m honest. Yet, I’ll certainly be headed there more often now. It’s beautiful on a warm sunny evening. (An old man walked up to me and started hitting on me…I knew he was going to because I saw his look, approach and him running through his actions, in his head. I’ll given him points for braveness. But he obviously wasn’t going to win this. I mean, as soon as he was one line in…

Hey, you’re stunning…’

The kids came thundering towards him and started whacking him with swings because they hate men talking to me. Haha! They’re ace!!)

Then he told me that he had a ghost in his shower…and just like that life picked up his path and redirected back to his room, to never cross with mine again. Lol.

Anyway, the kids and I had the most delicious dinner. The food is amazing at Rogerthorpe. Good portions. Really tasty! They loved it. Then we all walked back outside to play in the gardens, with the bug hotels. I had a wine in the sun, after signing an autograph for the lovely Glenn.

Me: ‘Just a white wine with ice please…Am I able to take it over to the swings. ‘

Glenn: ‘Hi. Of course. Yes. I just wanted to ask if I could have your autograph. I’m a big fan!!!’

It made me feel really special because I never expect it now and it was kind. However, i’m noticing that I am getting stopped quite a lot these days. Everywhere. In bars. On trains. In restaurants. Everywhere. It’s happening so much, (which i’m delighted by) that Ruby is now noticing…because she’s with me always…and she’s absolutely wondering why, people want to picture take with her Mum?

I love getting stopped, (never be afraid to ask me.) It makes me feel like i’m making some kind of impact, somewhere, somehow and on some people? Haha. It makes me feel of worth. Haha. It just has a feel good factor about it… kinda like the pink fluffy sliders I have on right now. (I want to build a shrine to them and worhsip them appropriately.)

I will say, that I also like it because it’s firstly making my daughter notice…So it make me feel ‘bouji’ in front of her. Plus, it actually makes HER feel special.

Then I saw a giant red ‘Virgin’ hot air balloon. It was literally so close it was HUGE…and then that was it. I wanted to be on it. I demanded an ‘adventure’ and I sent out DM’s to others to give me an adventure.


(I loved how it just hovered over traffic, so low, that it looked utterly surreal. Then it just disappeared! I want! I want! I will GET!! Adventure button PRESSED!!!! HAHAHA.)

DBEAR: ‘Hahaha. Soon.’

It was just the most beautiful evening with my babies. They beamed. Little Junior’s heart literally filled with joy.

Miss.Murphy: ‘You actually never cook. Haha.’

Me: ‘Well…it’s like this…Serve them shit food…OR actual edible stuff that they will enjoy. Haha.’

Miss.Murphy: ‘Hahah. I wish someone would take me for dinner every night. Living the dream.’

Me : ‘Haha. You have to come out my vagina…then it becomes a life necessity.’

I love Miss.Murphy! She makes me smile!!!

Oh my gosh! I forgot to tell you that yesterday after I had taken my dad out for lunch. (I love my dad. He’s the cutest lil’Asian. He’s adorable…like a warm hearted, gangsta, teddy bear.)

I watched a bunch of kids (all brothers and sisters) run out of Toy Town with handfuls of toys, that they had been instructed to steal by their MUM!!!


I was actually on the phone to my mum and one of the kiddie thieves had actually stopped me and asked for a selfie. Lol. I don’t think that’s the correct protocol for a criminal.

Out of nowhere I then heard one of the little boys say…

‘That guy in the blue shirt is a cunt.’

I look to my right and the guy in the blue shirt is my friend Scott! Haha. He’s fuming. He’s the manager at Toy Town. He running out, stopping the kids and demanding that they take all the toys back!!! They’re mums in his face. Security show up. Scott’s professional but looks like he’s about to EXPLODE with anger! Haha.

Then as security begin questioning the mum…He turns around and has the cheek to say to Scott..

‘Who do you think you are!?! Shouting at kids!!!’

That pissed me off…so there I was with an ‘Eh?’ Followed by a protective RANT!! I mean honestly WHO does she think SHE IS, telling her kids to steal for her!?!

Scott now looks like he’s about to go absolutely mental…Haha. So I used my ‘she’s not worth it’ utter charm and like the hero that I am, I calmed his tender nerves with peace & love….

Then i called her a ‘Scruff Bag.’ Haha.

I mean, honestly…don’t call Scott names, when you’ve just instructed your kids to steal everything they could get away with!

After that, all went back to normal…

Scott: ‘How are you, anyway?’

Me: ‘I’m good, thanks.’

Scott: ‘Thank you for calming me down. Lol.’

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