Sumo Porn and Chunky Monkies

Okay, it’s actually really diifcult trying to come up with a book cover choice. My lit. Agents Helen and Karen are on the job, and well i try to be as helpful as possible, so i’m also gonna try and shoot a few ideas that i have. I want big, over the top, glamourous, and delicious…but in a single statementof ‘UMPH.’ I want it not too busy, but bold. All i have is the cover of the book space to fill, so it needs to be good. It needs to be me. I have all these ideas but i don’t know who to shoot t with. I must do it immediately though and i am going to go with a northern photographer. I have to really, due to my condition. The less luging around the country i do, the better right now. I’ll have so many wardrobe options that i’ll need staff to carry it all for me. I love being a Glamour puss. The stresses of life are simply photshoots. I’ve got to get it all sorted pronto. if i use them i do, if i don’t i dont. But i just like having options! Don’t we all.

Other than that my pretties, i’ve had to ‘Take me out’ that i can’t do this seasons show. I guess they wanted me to be one of the girls on it, with me known for being a bit of a man eater. Anyhow, i explained to Louis that i’m no longer single and i actualyl have a ‘bunting’ in my belly. With a big giggle…he congratulated and asked me to find chicks that might want to do it.  

I then got an email from the Channel 5 people…who thought my chitter chatter on ‘Sex Lessons’ was rather brilliant. (I thankyou very much.) They’ve booked me in for Tuesday the 17th, after pushing their shoot dates from the 13th. I have my baby scan on that day, so i wouldn’t have been able to make it…even if i tried.

I’ve also just done my short paragraph abotu myself for a radio station. It ended up being a whole page, because when i’m told to write a paragraph, i always write more. If i was told to write a page, i’m write a paragrapgh. I’m good like that. But i must say for the first time i found it hard to write a bit about myself, because i can’t seem to sum my life up briefly. I also think everyone knows i have a blog, so they should read it in order to find out everything about me. Saves me the trouble  then. 🙂

When the books out, i’ll be doing a wee bit of radio for promotion, to make you buy it. So they need a bit of info on me, in order to get their research and questions ready. I’m good at interviews. But bad at the prepping before them. I sent my ‘About me’ page to my agent via email under the subject line ‘My radio thing.’ I’m ever the professional. but that’s what they love about me. I’n the salt of the earth! Woohoo!

I really can’t wait for it all to happen now. There’s a meeting today, which will throw us an exact publishing date. It might have to be on pre-order first and online. Then in the new year, (and after i’ve popped out my ‘darling’) i’ll be fit and able to tour with it and do a bunch of glamour pussy signings. It’s really exciting, I must MUST organize my shoot!

It’s all good here in Wunna Land. Things are a hotting up.

[Pause]

Sorry, i’m laughing at myself because i misread an article. I thought it said ‘Sex can make you get glitter.’ Which ofcourse would get me all kinds of excited. I’m like a child. Even Pete’s started buying me sweets in order to try and get me in the mood. (‘Ooh baby, i got you a drumstick lolly. Now do you want to see my lolly?’) I’d like to have sex in a random glitter shower, or to have some FairyGod Mother belss me with tiny bags of glitteratti, every time i ‘put out.’ Yeah i think i’d really like that. bit messy mind. But no, the article it actually read, ‘Sex can make you get FITTER.’ Ugh. When sex is seen as exercise, or just something to help you abs. You’ve reached rock bottom.) *Heaves you out of her bed sheets.*

I’m actaully looking at the this months edition of Vogue. Kate Moss looks DIVINE on the cover! I’m studying it whilst shoving spoonfuls of ‘chunky monkey’ into my mouth. My Mum bought be a tiny tub, because she says i ‘like monkies.’ I also  have a fricking cat hair in my eyeball which is making me physically sick!

I’m telling ya, these kittens are driving me insane. They’ve become so needy and annoying. They are the cutest little things, don’t get me wrong …but jeeze whizz, (polite way of saying ‘fucking hell’) they take a lot of effort. They are bitches. They are running my ENTIRE  life. I mean, i now feel guilty if i haven’t fake blusher brushed each and every one of them each and every morning, cuddled them and talked to them about their life, one at a time and to their favourite song. It’s like getting ready 7 times over. It’s exhausting. Like there’s only so many times, i can be nice in one morning.

This is why i need midget butlers, or Oompha Lumpas to look after them for me. (Oh the logic.) I also still need a sumo wrestler to stand at my bedroom door each night, to frighten away the perverts. I’ve figured the only way to frighten away perverts is by scaring them with other perverts. So my Sumo (who i will name ‘Rosie’ or Lily’) will have to be extremely perverted himself. I mean who needs guns, when you have uncontrolable slimey hands, that fit down trouser legs and peeky holes? It will be the most terrifying event known to mankind that it will then become a fetish and be sold on DVD for millions.

Now i’ve invented Sumo porn, i think i’ll make myself a cuppa tea. Perfect life much!

I’m getting messages in a plenty and well i just can’t help but adore my friends. One is Facebooking me asking me for a blog link. He’s all excited and wants to treasure it for ever. (‘Chrissie have you got that link to the blog that i’m in?’ /Yeah, Pearce, what did i exactly call you, so i can search it?’/ A sex pest! Oh and you said my friend Danny had bad breath.’) LOL. Oh my god! I’m terrible.

Then i recieved a text from @garyponty who informed that he got so pissed on Saturday night that he slept under a caravan with a Lady gaga impersonator. He then went on hoilday and left early, after getting in a *huff* with his sister. He’s just passed his driving test and out of sheer stubbornes managed to drive ALL THE WAY home, with his mum in the back screaming because he’d never been on a motorway! He’s now about to ‘come out’ to parts of his family. Hahahaha. I love it. These are the types of people i surround myself with. Says it all really.

Anyway, here’s a bit of Kate Moss. Legs at ten to two much! [Do Vogue arms here.]

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