Strippers, love and puking



Happy, delicious, mayhem is the boogie that’s a jigging around Wunna land right now. Keiran and I are MADLY in love that it’s almost sickening. It’s the kinda sickening that could make you cry into your gin and hump a pitbull simply to feel loved for a mild second. We spent the evening last night laid on the bed, when the children were asleep just talking. We talked about life, lvoe, our love and success. We shared dreams, moments and smiles…and well when he looked at me and said, ‘I could never be with anyone else,’ my heart skipped and beat and he had me forever. 🙂

Now, I don’t want you to think that i’m not i’m always handing him ‘love points’ left right and centre, yet never filling up my own basket with ‘pats on my glittery ass back.’ Whilst we were laid and I was tickling his back, mid ‘dream talk,’ I looked at him and said, ‘I hope that when Ruby is older she marries a man who is just like you.’ I honestly have th most caring and loving hubby, who has really pulled himself together. I remember how much we used to argue and looked at how different we were now. If we were just like this all along, then we wouldn’t have had to go through all that jiggery pokery. We’ve found our balance…well he has. I still have wobbly bits of emotion and wobbly bits of booty junk a shaking. I think having Baby Ruby AND Baby Junior has finally made us get our act together. (Thank GOD.) But it means we’re good people. I’m sure of it. 🙂 Good people, pull themselves together when they HAVE to and because something MORE IMPORTANT than their ego’s have popped up in their world.

Junior didn’t  sleep at all, so Keiran’s had zero minutes sleep all night. Ruby slept through. 🙂 Hurrah. (I was on ‘Ruby watch’ last night. We tag teamed the children at night.) Ruby loves her bedtime and well she’s even started to sleep in now. Makes her a hell of a lot more chipper and makes MUMMY very very very happy. (I watched her pouting at her mirror image this morning and fake giggling at herself. That’s my little girl. 🙂 I’ve taught her well. ) She’s sleeping well because she’s become addicted to this random bed time story I tell her every night. It shouldn’t really be random, as it’s the story of ‘Goldilocks & the Three Bears.’ Have you ever tried to tell that story without an actual story book to refresh your memory of such a tale. Lol. It’s fucking HARD and i’m skilled in the art of storytelling and fairytales. It all starts off well…but after ‘Once upon a time…’ I get confused, bored and unfamiliar with the subject matter and start having to make it up. What is that story? Three bears…woods, some little girl with golden locks…sits on all their chairs, eats all their porridge and sleeps in their beds? I dunno? I start making it up and telling it quickly. Patience is not my thing. I don’t like long winded stories. I enjoy getting to the point, which doesn’t work out as well when you’re bed time story telling. Plus, the other problem i’m having  is that Ruby loves my version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears,’ and makes me tell her the tale over and over again. I don’t even know what I said the first time, let alone try and tell it to her over again!!! How did that actual tale end, because in my version Goldilocks wakes up in some bears bed, gets scared, screams and runs off. I’ve sort of mixed the tale in with my old Hollywood life. I’ve woken up after many an encounter and felt the need to run away into the woods screaming. Well…if ‘the woods’ meant ‘back to my swanky West Hollywood condo.’ 🙂 *Cocktail here.*

Baby Junior on the other hand…my delicious little boy, did 102 poos and puked down my cleavage at least 7 times yesterday. If he’s ever going to be sick, it’s always down my ‘silicone valley.’ Luckily, they’re plastic…making them ‘easy-clean.’ BOOYAH! *Honk-Honk.* Whenever i mentioned boobs I get messages from boys who all think i’m trying to be sexy and jump in on the idea with a full boner and a ‘HERE I COME.’ Having my son DO A SICK on thems here boobies,  isn’t meant to ‘rev’ your libido, I assure you. I’m just reporting the tragedies of my life. It’s a good job I adore him. He’s the only boy i’ll ever let puke on me…Plus, it’s the only puke that i’ll actually clean up. (I once puked in my guy friend Daniel Perez’s bath tub in West LA, after a night of cocktails, a club and calling Joseph Fiennes. I slept over and refused to clean my own sick up out of his bath. He ended up having to do it. I mean he had to if he ever wanted a bath again. Daniel’s he hated ever minute of scrubbing up my sick, i’m sure. Yet he didn’t complain because he understood me so well. In fact he found it SO hilarious that he let me off with a ‘of course she’s not going to clean up her own sick…she’s fabulous.’ 🙂

I’m currently watching the reruns of ‘Real Houswives..Atlanta’ and they’re talking about strip clubs and husbands going to them. Some women mind, some women don’t. Who you mind?

Now, I’ve been to a strip club a million times..with girls, with friends, with Keiran even. I’ve been to local ones (Helllooo ‘Heaven’ in Ponty) where I used to just share drinks with Harriet and Wazza and well accidentally watch comedy girls wiggle around a pole to Britney Spears tracks. Pahaha. We loved it. We shoulder bumped and everything. I apparently even had my own tab there. The thing about that place was that it wasn’t even 1% sexy. It was more like a place to grab a drink with friends and do drunk dancing to Kid Rock..the  surrounding atmosphere just so happened to be Ponty strippers. In fact outside the joint where bouncers and what seemed like the whole of Pontefract all fighting and punching each other in the face by ‘New Look,’ before running down alley ways. That’s how sexy it was.

However, there are other joints where there are girls who KNOW HOW TO MAKE DOLLAR, all swinky swankering around your man and your man actually loving it. That’s a different story isn’t it!!! But I don’t mind, I’ve done a night at Wildcats with Keiran and a moment at Silks. It doesn’t rub me up the wrong way really. We had a good night. It’s not something that I feel ‘oooh we NEED to do,’ it’s more of a ‘if it happens by accident and we end up in one, it’s happened, so grab a rum.’ No-one can swinky-swanker better than me, so in a way I sort of feel safe. It a territory i’m used to. 🙂 There are the girls that truly don’t mind, the girls that do and the girls that do, but pretend that they don’t mind and the girls that really wouldn’t mind as much as they think they would. If i don’t like something, i will always say. He’ll hear it if he likes it or not. So, if you’re a lady who doesn’t like your man paying chica’s to strip off for him, or even being around such an environment…then be brave enough to say and say it with ‘umph.’

Anyhow all that’s just a blurry Blue WKD past. (Yucky drink.) Now my world is misted and swirled with true love, rainbows and dreams come true. We’re trying to focus now on getting our money right. I’m concentrating on work, like I said I would and he’s concentrating on business and the building of it…like a mad man. We’ve taken the next step up a level and now need to work hard in order to make our dreams come true!

But first…i need a coffee and he needs a nap.

Love you.




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