Stretch marks, Tan lines & tits

Emergency blog! I’ve just found what i think might be a stretch mark. A FRICKING stretch mark!! OMG! I mean, i’ve been half naked staring at it, in a  room of mint, through a dalmation furred full length mirror, wondering whether it is simply my spray tan, that has run before drying, or whether the baby has STRETCHED my SKIN!?! OMG!! It’s on my left hand side, going vertically down. It’s tiny, but i can see it. UGH!!!!!

Now surely i’m an expert tanner and i would never make such a clumsy spray tanning mistake. Yet i’m hoping i did right now as, i can’ t have skin stretch! UGH! I’m terrified!! I mean, i’ve been using my ‘Mother to be’ cream. Hellooo…where has this line come from? Maybe it’s just my tan crying, because it feels alone. I was infact only to wet wip the section off, to see if it was a permanent line of baby scarring or whetehr it was simply a cosmetic accident. Yet i’m Chrissie Wunna..my vanity won’t let me. There’ s no wiping away of any tan..ever!

Great! Now a flies dropped into my tea. My life is crumbling to pieces.

I’ve been on facebook before i start to get ready for ‘wiggling’ and there has only been a few hardcore perverts on there today. Makes me feel a great deal merrier. I’m all good girl now. I can’t be doing with the mindless wank machines. Go away! However, there is one guy who is determined to have some sort of cybersex with me. (As if. *She yawns.*) His line to attempt to pull me is ever so classically, ‘I’m a boy.’

Eww, i mean, i know i may seem easy but it really does take a great deal more than that. At least 42 cocktails and a few free dinners. I mean come one now. ‘I’m a boy.’ The majority of boys i hang out with like wearing my heels. They are frigtened by the thought of me naked on their bed. I just replied with a ‘so?‘ And he responded with ‘because you’re sexy.’ Right now, i have a ‘maybe’ stretch mark, i can’t be arsed to tango through a wicked web of cyber willy. Just because i’m sexy, (I love that i just said that) doesn’t mean i should cyber ‘put out,’ just because you’re a boy. Eww!  When will men learn. You will not ever win me by putting sex on the table. I enjoy romance and worshipping and all things delicious. I’m high maintenance..and then some. All decent kittens are! Now back up off of me, with that cyber meat stick of doom.

I’ve just been telling Wazza (after i’ve been helping him with his love life) about how i can’t be naked anymore around Pete. I’ve started to *show* a bit, but you can only tell when i’m starkers. If i’m starkers around him, he thinks he’s a bedroom warrior and turns into a horn ball. I have to remain clothed or he’ll get me. I’m loving new good girl, frigid Wunna. This baby thing is a majorly positive influence on me. I’m currently super curvy (borderline fat) and my boobs are kind of headed to jumbo. Loverboy enjoys this madness and i’ve noticed that whenevr i’m alone with him, he takes his jeans off and pretends he’s just ‘warm in here.’ 

Yet, imagine being a girl, having boobs, then getting a big boob job, and then having them grow even more, on top of all that goodness and to the point where they will be so big that milk will spurt out of them and another human being can actually hang from the end of one and get it’s daily food supply! #saveme I mean, what happened to the fucking stork. In’t he meant to fly down at some point and give me a baby of cuteness. Why am i getting stretch marks??? (When my brother..who i adore, was yoounger. He actually thought pregnant women were fat because ATE babies. 🙂 )

Okay, back to boobs. I’m panicking. Obviously mine are not real, which i’m hoping puts me at an advantage, because they will never ever sag! I can go bra-less, with my jubblies and they wouldn’t wiggle an inch. even if you swore at them! Yet unfortunately they are growing horizontally forward and fast. If you thought i had comedy boobs before, well now, they could shit all over that title and Trophy hail from a pedestal up above. It’s going to be terrifying. But at least i’ll have proper ‘Carry on’ boobs and i can run around the bedroom saying ‘Ooh matron!’ Every cloud…silver lining.

Back to sex! I forgot to tell you that a few weeks ago, the midwife gave Loverboy and I the ‘sex if fine when you’re pregant’ speech. *Rolls eyes* Pete has translated that, in his naughty little head to ‘you must have sex ALL the time.’ Now, I don’t mind *rumpy pumpy*at all, because believe me, i get quite worked up and ‘ooh laa daddio’ at the best of times..But i’m terrified because the last time, i got boned by his manhood…bleeding occured, followed by emergencies. [Do scared faced here.]

On a good note, some of my gays are wanting babies now. (Awww.) It’s so goddamn sweet, that some of my other gays are offering MY baby out, without my actual consent. (Lol.) All i’ve stated is that, if  i’ve had to go through 9 whole months of this ‘bundle carrying’ and without BOOZE. Then the taker of my baby will have to repay me for all the alcohol that i would have consumed during that 9 months. Once they do…and in cold hard cash. The baby is theirs! It’d be like an adoption fee…but sexier.

Please God may this not be a stretch mark… *worried*

 

2 thoughts on “Stretch marks, Tan lines & tits”

  1. My boobs now have their own postcode, and I never got the boob job 🙁
    Agony. I am sure the mothers left some of these details out.

    Reply
  2. Hahah…your boobs werev massive anyway!!! Yeah, it’s not as easy as i thought it was gonna be…AT fucking ALL! I’ve never been so sick and hormonal in my whole entire life!!!! We have 9 months of this! I’m already fat! ALREADY!!!!! This better be worth it…

    Reply

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