So i’m reading this book, which is telling me that there is a parallel version of me living right now, this second, but in MY future and i’m desperate to know what they’re doing and whether i’m surrounded by pure luxury, bubble baths and kittens. If not, i’m gonna have to rewind and change a few things around until i am…and i have grapes being served to me by shirtless Greek Gods, and butlers shining the perfect lighting on me whilst i *wink* at my boudior filled with material pieces of object. 🙂
Then there’s another book (which i regard as my saucy Bible of naughtiness) telling me that it’s important to take a moment out of life, to sit in *calm* and play with the art of ‘flashback.’ (Well i do that, all the time…accidentally…even when i don’t want it to.) It reads: ‘For all of us there is a moment that epitomises our lives- a moment when your more yourself than any other time, an instant of absolute self realisation.’ That moment is apparently when you think back in flashback form, to a moment you can remember from your past. You know how we have odd *flashback* events that we can remember from the past? Well yeah kittens…that! Try it. What do you remember?
Well my moment is ofcourse made up of loads of moments. I’ve lived this bitty life of insanity. It seems my mind shoots me everywhere and anywhere through all of my ages, decades and years. Even if i don’t want to venture there. If i *mind* back to my childhood, to my earliest memories…what i remember is being about 4 years old and sitting in the dark, of my parents lovely home in Doncaster. I was kneeling by a rolled up ‘carpet log’ of future lay down, in my mum & dads bedroom. Most children would begin to play with Barbies, i guess? I got a box of yellow Swan matches, and began striking them for no reason, other than the fact that i loved to watch a flame dance. I think, il oved bringing light into darkness. I thought it was magical. Or maybe i just wanted to celebrate a moment…with fire. People do that! Romance is celebrated by candle light. Disney land is celebreated with fireworks. I remember feeling at peace, calm and happy. I always do, under, by or near flames. I love sparkling light.
My ‘love,’ all went a bit too far though, because then i wondered what would happen if i lit the match, watched the dancing flame, then threw it on the carpet 🙂 I did this quite a lot. After i had thrown the lit match and watched it land on the log of rolled up carpet, i would wait calmly, to see what would happen, then quickly *blow* it out, before the whole room set on fire.
At four years old, i knew that i HAD to *blow* it out, in order to not cause chaos and be safe. At Twenty four, i forgot that concept and just let the whole shit (which was now my life) BURN. (And in Hollywood, after a giant emotional beat down. Yippee!) It’s weird how to can sort of look back and see how your earliest mememories or actions mirror your adult life. ( I also had a mud pie restuarant in our garden, full of imaginary customers and a whole stressful pretend love life at 7 years of age. But that was hilarious and my little secret vice of creativity. I’m actually laughing at how, *all the way* i took the drama of it all. To my slinky little waitress walk, to my huffing and puffing at how stressful my mud pie kitchen was, due to all the pretend orders. Lol. )
To me and for that moment…it was real! I loved playtime and the gift of being an only child…until i was 8. I played like no other…and oddly sometimes it would get a bit pretend raunchy. Lol.
The other *flashbacks* i can sort of still see from my youth, is being at my child minders home, who i LOVED ever so muchly, at about 5. I’m knelt down in her living room, by a low cupboard and the room is all a grey/blue. She asking me if i want to share my orange felt tip pen with other people, or whether i just want to keep it for myself. I’m telling her i want to save it for myself and not share it at all…and she’s telling me off for being ‘selfish.’ LMAO! I remember that clearly. She was pretty much my second Mother and boy did i need one. I don’t mean because i had a rubbish First one…because i luckily had AMAZING first one. I guess, what i’m trying to say is that i’m a girl who not only needs a whole lot of warm supervision, and guidance. But i also have a terrible need for bundles of affection and a glorious amount of GOOD attention.
I enjoy how this morning, i was being forced to sniff my own toilet roll….(even though it was candy scented)
….and Miss.Hilton was sitting on about 20 bags of rather glamourous ‘I’m going places-in a private jet’ luggage. You can’t win’em all. 🙂