Prodded with a side of Dorito

Hey sexy munchkins! Just got home after a looong wait and visit to the Doctors. Things in hospitals take forever for some reason, and I’m really not a kitty fan of waiting rooms, simply because they firstly bore me and secondly it’s an intrusive moment of the most bizarre behaviour, when people who don’t know each other, are FORCED to sit facing one another…in quite a tight spot and either completely go with ‘the ignore’ or ‘fake smile.’

It was ever so joyous on the way. Everything was going my way, I kissed my gorgeous hubby on his way to golf. He kissed me liked he loved me and like he felt so great to be back in love.  It was delicious. Then I had errands. I used to hate errand running, but when preggo and with not much to do, earrands can be exciting, provided they’re only little ones and not ones where i’m actually responsible for lifting heavy things or well responsible for anything too important really. The heavy lifting isn’t because i’m pregnant, it’s simply because i’m a glamour puss. I don’t lift things that are heavy. I summon men to do such a task…no matter where I am, who they are, or if I know them. 🙂

Sorted out the gas, registered at the dentist, went to the cash machine, did a bit of grocery shopping in the sun, and completely in the name of nesting. I’m always ‘Godda get some food. Godda feed my family.’ I’m never like that…hence why we know it’s the art of ‘nesting.’ I’m more…’Oh you’re not taking me out to dinner? Oh? Shall we get take out then?’ 🙂 Not really…I can cook a bit now. When you’re a mum, you have to and there’s NO MICROWAVE ‘special’s in Wunna land. We don’t own one and we never use one to cook. Keeps you with a waistline and everything. You should try it. Plus, i’ve dated loads of chefs..(one 🙂 ) and they never had a microwave, so I must be doing something right. (Honestly..whocares…lets have a rum.)

Tried to buy a watering can, but the queue was far too long for me to be stood in it, on such a beautiful day, especially because I was in WAG joggers and and flats. I wanna be in booty shorts like the rest of you swines. Yet, back to what I was going on about previously, I couldn’t bare the thought of waiting in a long boring line for 15 minutes with an ‘on sale’ watering can in my hand. I ‘Peaced out’ and got back in the Mercedes.

Afterall that, I then revisited the post office which was closed for lunch simply because I needed it to be open. They’re only closed on Tuesday and Wednesday for lunch…charming. Everything’s always ‘closed for lunch’ in Ackworth. I don’t get it. But whatever, it was open by 1.30pm and so I tottered in gleefully and showed the guy every piece of car paper I owned. He rummaged through it chatting to me about happy nonsense, laughed at the fact that I had no idea what paperwork was what, then took my payment…of course. I’ve been driving the car around ILLEGALLY for the last 7 days and haven’t even known. My tax disc fell off in the heat today and I was like, ‘Shit, it expired April 30th?’ Oops! I’d been everywhere too! 🙂 So, I went and paid my dues with a wiggle. In fact, I don’t know if I should’ve even admitted to that? Can I still get into trouble? I don’t think so! But whatever, it’s paid now and the post office guy was actually lovely because he’s usually a bastard to Keiran. He liked me because..and in his own words…’didn’t fight with him over who was right.’ 🙂 The old Wunna ‘just shut up and give me my tax disc’ charm.

Did all that, popped back in the car, next to an old lady who didn’t seem to be impressed by me, as she wished for ‘quiet time’ so she could read her book in the sun. Well how about NOT READING YOUR BOOK IN A CAR PARK. If I want Nelly to sing ‘Hey Porsche’ at you for a couple seconds, whilst I pack my bump into the car and adjust my boobs…I will. I’m respectful because I love old people. Yet I despise it when they have no respect for me. 🙂 It’s not like I was blaring techno out my open car window and wearing a pikey shirt, whilst snarling at her and swearing, with my limp walk. Jeeze!

Drove to Pontefract hospital, in the blistering sunshine. Loved every minute of it. Got to the car park, every spot had GONE…which is always devastating, until I closed my eyes and had a peek on the next row and BOOM, the LAST SPOT WAS MINE!! Yeah baby! How lucky was that! Joyfully leapt out, paid my ticket for the ‘pay and display.’ It ate my money up…£2.70 and didn’t bother giving me a ticket…so I had to put it in again!!! FFS! I wasn’t too bothered though because I was oddly chipper.

Walked to the ward. Went toe the X-ray department instead of the Maternity department. 🙂 (School is cool. 🙂 ) The receptionist just looked at me and said, ‘Are you having an X-ray because you’re not on my list?’

Finally got to the maternity ward, where I was given a pot to piss in, so to speak. I couldn’t go, so I had to drink 3 cups of water…then I went and wee’d into a tube, which ended up being a nightmare. I can never ctach my wee in the pot if i sit normal, so I have to take ALL of my bottoms off..FULLY…in the loo and ‘REVERSE COWGIRL’ the actual toilet, like I’m a horny stripper and wee, whilst catching. It works every time…except I got it on my hand and on the floor. 🙂

Filled the tube up though. CHAMPION. Then I had to quickly wipe wee spots off the floor and myself before placing my bottoms back on and washing my hands..and the pot. It was so funny to be waddling around with no pants on, with my tushie out, with dolly eyes trying to swiftly clean the loo, so I could pretend that I was dignified.

Got back to the waiting room and WAITED. I waited for ages and stared in the face of every type of mum going. Big mums, small mums, young mums, old mums, mums with partners, single mums, tall mums, short mums, fat mums, thin mums, posh mums, chav mums, mums with mums…just all mums, waiting to do the same thing..shortly. They didn’t half look poorly though. It made me feel odd. For the FIRST TIME EVER….I felt like the skinny preggo. I rocked my 9 month bump with swagger. I felt all thin and pretty. All glamourous and fit in comparison. In fact the preggo’s made me feel quite bad because they looked in so much pain. Sweating, panting, giantly over weight and swelling in ever place that would hold a swell. There was one lady sat next to me who was ‘out loud’ moaning. I hate ‘out loud’ moaners. I mean we’re all in the same boat here. She was about 40 stone, panting, sweating, making her beau do EVERYTHING for her, crying out loud because she was in so much pain…and being far to dramatic for a waiting room. Does she not know the waiting room rules of ‘ignore’ or ‘fake smile?’

Just because she out loud moaned, I had no sympathy for her. Hahah. I’m awful like that. Any real attention whore knows that it is done subtly and distinctly for maximum effect. Her boyfriend..I saw no ring…was young and timid and in fact wearing a ‘Superman’ t-shirt. He cradled her, like she was Baby Jesus, as she yelled at him for more water and to fan her. 🙂

I was waiting for ages..and so long that I actually thought they had really forgotten about me. I am so big headed that I actually thought, ‘no they really can’t of, I’m off the telly and the skinny preggo.’ 🙂 I’m an idiot..I apologize.

Saw the Doc, saw the midwife…everything was fine…everything was perfect,. the baby is the right way…the Doctor didn’t know why I was there, but booked me in for a scan on Thursday anyhow? I have no idea why? Lovely Doctor because she was bossy. I like that. She liked me because she saw ‘ooh laa’ in me. She also told me that I was smiley for a pregnant lady and more active than most…so I was happy. I didn’t like that she heavy handed prodded me though. It hurt like hell. They aren’t gentle are they? I mean kitten gloves much! Saying that, that’s probably how I’d prod if I was a Doctor and simply out of humour. It was so rough I thought i’d wee myself. But then…i figured it was better than a surprise ‘sweep and stretch.’ I hate people’s fingers jabbing into my lady part. There was none of that! Hurrah!

I’m back in Thursday. I don’t really need a scan do I? Plus, she’s booked me in for a blood test in a couple weeks. I will have had him in a couple weeks. Do I just not know something here or what?

Skipped home, everyone had been delightful to me. Itr’s good when you’re a Wunna and you have babies when you’re mum is a family planning doctor, and ‘le boss.’ You get people fussing over you for no reason and it’s ace.

Got to the car, ate 2 doughnuts out of happiness…drove home to make a quick spag bol for the shortly arriving troops. Rubes will be home from nursery like NOW and Keiran from golf in a wee bit. Now, i’m relaxing with a bag of Doritos (the blue ones) enjoying life and watching ‘Real Housewives.’ Life couldn’t be better. I’m excited to see my son! We all are!

Keiran and I are madly in love. It’s wonderful and is making this time of our lives bliss. Ruby is adding deliciousness to it all. I feel really lucky. I have an AMAZING little family!

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