Phase 1


It’s a funny old ‘phase’ is ‘Phase 1.’ I don’t like it. (What a surprise! :)) And I simply don’t like it because you really don’t know what’s going on? One minute i’m  *ouchy,* the next minute i’m fine…i’m excited…i’m terrified. It’s like being a lunatic, but with a really great tan. I hate not knowing the score. I enjoy being a ‘man with a plan’ these days, so to speak. (And no, i don’t need an inbox of messages calling me a ‘tranny’ just because I said I was a ‘man.’) But yes, i’m in Phase 1 of labour. It began yesterday after my joyously aggressive ‘sweep.’ My contractions went from every 30 mins, to every 20 mins to now every 15 minutes. It’s been like that since yesterday evening and all through the night. Lovely! NOT! And well it’s currently still rocking at 15 minutes, meaning my ‘bump’ wants to play games with me. I’ve lost my mucus plug and i’ve had a ‘bloodied show’ (Whatever that is?) I’m in the longest, yet least painful stage of labour, however LET ME TELL YOU LADIES, be you a soon to be, first time mum,or already a mum who has forgotten the pain, IT ABSOLUTELY KILLS…even at this stage. I can’t even remember it hurting this bad, the first time around. I’d superficially remembered with a ‘yeah it hurts’ and packed away the ‘real time’ ACTUAL pain on a shelf somewhere in my memory box of a brain.  IT KILLS and i’m not talking, ‘ooh a little bit of belly ache.’ I’m talking MAJOR, MOTHER NATURE, HOLY CRAP, I THINK I MIGHT JUST KEEL OVER AND DIE, I REALLY CAN’T DO THIS’ pain. Hurrah! This is why women are the stronger sex. It’s times like this when you look at both species (men and women) and think how DARE they EVER be evil to us, when we have to go through such an ordeal, men should be on their knees to women EVERY DAY! We are the GIVERS..THE BIRTHERS OF LIFE. Don’t get it twisted. Poor lovely little hubby. His cousin Craig told me to take it all out on him and Keiran just looked at him and said, ‘Don’t worry…she will.’

Bottom line, it hurts, be warned. My waddle has turned into a very slow Clint Eastwood, open legged, careful stepped swagger. It’s not fun. It’s rubbish. But THANK YOU soooooooooo incredibly much to all of those who Tweeted and Facebooked me well wishes. All of you are fantabulous and well i’m an attention whore, so when i need to be cared for i reach for Cyberland, as it comforts me and there you all were, with your lovely words of support, good advice and cheerleader skirts. I adore you. Thank you! I was laid on my my sofa moaning…and you cheered me right up…like Tequila.

Wazza’s girlfriend @hannahtapdances was extremely good at baby stepping me through the whole Phase 1 journey. I’m not joking, she should be the birth partner for EVERY SINGLE PREGGO in this entire world. ‘Hire a Hannah.’ I can see it now. Of course, she’s modest and simply shook her head with an ‘ah no no, all i’ve done is tell you to get drunk and take drugs when you’re in there.’ 🙂 (She advised me to think of the fact that i would be able to enjoy a celebratory gin after getting through all the pain, yet i must make sure i’m not stupid enough to deny all the drugs that are on offer at the hospital. Oh and that I MUST swear! Lol. I know why Wazza adores her so much. How can you not! She’s so nurturing. I think I’M in love with her now. Hannah is now my new girl crush. Women just know how to look after women better than men do, when it comes to the big things.

Keiran, is over the moon, fact brimming over with masculine energy, to the point where he can’t contain himself. This is always dodgy when you’re his wife and going through labour pangs of ‘FUCKING OUCH.’ I’ve nodded and smiled and then i just couldn’t anymore, as the pain got the better of me. He went to lift weights in the garden with Craig, to burn away his streak over excitement. He must be all over the place internally at the moment. But he’s been really great. Right now, he maybe doesn’t know what to do with himself, or how to control how he’s feeling, or know what to do with how i’m feeling. Yet i will say, as we laid in bed last night, I felt safe. Having him just laid next to me, as we cuddled, sort of made my contraction pain not feel so bad, because i had my ‘Knight’ there, my ‘hero.’ I’m not jokin git took away the pain because I associate him with the art of saving me, or being my physical strength. It comforted me and i could finally breathe.

I need looking after right now and my mums been pretty wonderful at it. She herself is nervous for me, but is always there for me. I love her. There is nothing my mum can’t do when it comes to being a great mum. I don’t know what i’d do without her. It comes in handy when the hubby is hyperactive. But he is going to be that way. I mean this is his first ever son, he’s never been through this before, it’s overwhelming for him and well internally he might be mildy panicked, because i’ve noticed with Keiran, that the more ‘yeah i’m fine and excited, ‘ he says he is, the more terrified he is on the inside. He’s emotional. (Remember the wedding.) But I like that. I love him. He’s doing a really great job. But he’s eager to get to that hospital. As am I really, yet I keep dreading it all with a ‘Lord what have I done,’ and simply because I don’t know how the HELL i’m  get through this, if i can’t manage Phase one with a smile….and I can’t. (Ugh, my thighs hurt.)

How could I have forgotten it hurt this much? Eww…

So, anyway, i’ve done the bath thing, I haven’t been pacing, i’ve just been laying around like a moany beached, slanty eyed whale waiting to birth a human. I’m in pain, but my contractions are steady. My waters are yet to break…hence why I need to pace, so my mums going to take me on a walk around flowers (garden centre) and feed me (for energy.) I’m not going to be able to pace…but whatever I MUST!

I think i’ve been a bit moaney and negative about this whole Phase 1 trip. I need to cheer up a little and see the positive, breathe it out and know that he’s coming and i’m gonna love every bit of him being here. It’s going to be ouchy anyway on my journey to getting him, but ah well…let’s get this show on the road. I had a word with him when i was laid in the bath. He didn’t listen. I could tell. Men! I’m gonna focus on how much I adore Baby Ruby and the fact that she was so rock n roll that she refused to wake up for nursery this morning and when she did, the first thing she said, as she tried to peel her eyes open was ‘I can’t SEE, mummy…’ Then she asked for a sausage for breakfast, as she placed on the prettiest dress known to mankind. #yorkshire

We’re all happy, we’re excited and nervous at the same time. I’m still at home and not at the hospital yet, as my contractions need to be 10 minutes apart, or even 5 mins, or my waters have to break. Today is his actual due date. So lets see if he can bothered to show up. Maybe he’s just making me go through this pain for as long as possible for a laugh. Yeah, fun joke! How am I going to pace with my mother if I can’t move my legs??

I always thought pacing was for the idle? However, when it comes to being preggo…it’s all about gravity. If I want my waters to break. I’m gonna have to MAKE THEM.

Y’know, i actually feel as though, is I was in hospital i’d shoot into labour because my body would know it was meant to do that there. When i’m at home, it just chills because it knows that I only use home for wonderfully calming (unless i’m being shouty) activities.

I’m all uncomfortable. I need a massage.




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