My Little Pimp of Candyland


It’s almost 1am…i’ve just popped ot the shop for much needed booze, fags & sweeties. Talked to a couple of drunks on the way and gang members, who said i could join if i quit bullying them. I’ve jiggery pokeried all night. Attached cuddly Wombles (that i found in a closet) to my boobies and flashed window people, from under a trench coat. My ‘they live in my building’ mates scorned me for being naughty and tied me to a fire extinguisher, in order to dampen my ‘Va Voom.’ Even my own ‘swagger couldn’t get me out of the sailor knots.’ I usually ‘wink’ and things fall apart!

I also got duck taped to my bed, with a teddy and my new favourite thing is ‘’ (A site that monitors the amount people swear on Twitter.) I apparently swear like an ‘Enthusiastic Porn star.’ My favourite tweet of bad language was one where this awful kitten of ‘ooh laa’ called Chrissie Wunna said, ‘I’m walking like an Egyptian…and because i FUCKING can!’ (Fans herself in glory!) Now we can all try and ‘out swear’ each other.

I heard that Gary Glitter was apparently getting executed, but he isn’t.. so that is all pointless now. I also heard of a lady who recently married a man, and found out that she’s actually allergic to his sperm. Like if he ‘man juices’ in her. It will destroy her whole entire body internally!! OMG!! HAHAHAHAH! How unfortunate. That’s why virgins sometimes suck! You need to have ‘pumpy’ with him before you do the vows!! I’ve had a Bacardi Breezer. I’ve argued with ‘Lashes’ funnily enough about ‘argueing.‘ He got mad at me, coz i apparently said i was ‘better than him.’ NO I NEVER! Hahah…! I don’t walk around thinking i’m better than people. I walk around surprised that i’m actually able to put one foot infront of the other and function like the ‘Queen of sober,’ after a pint of wine in fur. We’re all fine now. He can never stay mad at Me. My boobs are too good. (Why am i wanting to celebrate for no reason in glitter and a confetti shower?)

I’m currently stuffing my face with ‘Rowntrees Randoms.’ Have you ever had them? If you are from another land, they are gelatine sweets/candy…kinda like Haribo. What i want to know is, who the hell gets paid shit loads of moola, to come up with the shapes/objects that they turn into gelatine sweets?? Now i get ‘cola bottles’…they taste like coka cola. And i get ‘fried eggs’ they look like ‘fried fucking eggs.’ But i’ve just eaten a BOOT. A fucking BOOT. (Makes no sense Rowntrees??) And a BIN. A fucking Trash can!!! Who came up with that?? (‘Ooh i know, a good concept for a chewy sweet…make it look like a trash can.’ The Brits’ll love that shit!! Oh i know!! And a boot!’) But then again they are called ‘randoms.’ Yet saying that, they’re not mentally ill enough to be called ‘Randoms.’ They’re just wrong.

If it we’re me, i’d be like…’Ooh lets do a Kylie Minouge shaped one, and one that looks like a paedo. Oh that look s like a kiwi but tastes like a fucking ginger beer!’ Now that’s random!! Eat cha’ heart out Willy Wonka. Infact ‘eat’ anything you wanty Willy Wonka! (Wink Purrr…) Willy Wonkas a sexy bitch. I’ve always thought so, even as a child. I’d fantasize about him & his madness. A kingdom of sugary delights!!! What!  (Touch me all over…you delicious pimp of candyland.)

Lots of male attention. Lots of fun and frolicks. Lots of laughs over how everything i go in and audition for that i get…i immediately get cast as the ‘slag,’ or the ‘sexy nuisance’…the temptress,’ the ‘sasserilla.’ And even if there wasn’t one in it! Hilarious! People are writing in parts for me just based upon my resident ‘kitten’ (Decorated way of saying ‘slutty’) look. I LOVE it. I knew these eyes would get me far…and not only into trouble. (Cha Ching!) Oh and i just talked to one of my old work colleagues who vows that i’m ‘Mint.‘ (As in ‘Greatness and not as in ‘tastes like.’ Everyone knows i taste like chicken.) And why am i ‘mint’ I hear you cry?? (Or not.) Well because he once apparently told me a dirty dirty inappropriate joke. And i looked at him, all frilly skirted, googly eyed, laughed at loud and then told him one ten times dirtier. He blushed…then ofcourse bought me a Jack Daniels! I don’t remember it at all?

I should go…i’m tired of all this banter. x

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