Magic, News & Newborns

Happy Thursday Folks! I’m waiting for news. I’m much happier now that structure has appeared in my life. I’m wearing pinstripes. I’ve been eating a lot of beans and i’m bizarrely more chipper than normal to say that I have a too tight up-do adorning my pretty head and well it’s been up there and doing since 7.45am. Whooppppeee!

Last night I left the children to see whether they could do proper sleeping without the care and comfort of ‘mummy being there and not getting kip’ through the night. Ruby obviously conked out. Like a log she was and slept from 6pm until 7am, where she told me not to wake her up because it was still dark and cuddle time. Aww! Junior however…my usual sleeper…was up,hungry and pooey on three ‘early hours’ occasions. He’s such a delight to look after that I don’t really mind. Yet, I spent most of my night, naked in nothing but grey football socks and grey frilly big knickers that have the phrase ‘Je taime’ printed  on the bum, in hot pink. In and out of rooms. In and out of beds. Blind as a ‘Specasvers’ bat and cooing my 4 month old son to sleep. It wasn’t actually too tasking. I’m just thinking of the positive, which is this newbornish phase doesn’t last forever. I can do this. I’ve got it in me. I even managed to get ‘big boy’ cuddles in. 😉 Which hasn’t happened in a very looooong time.

Other than that, i’ve signed up to motivational speak about my time in LA to the masses. I like money and chatting, so i’m in with all that. I’m meant to be doing some football ground promo at the weekend, but I can’t fit it in methinks, with the bundles. I was tested yesterday and i’m keeping my fingers crossed that i did pretty well. But knowing my luck, I probably ballsed it all up at the last hurdle. I’m in the mood for doing something tellyish. Really happy that i’ve made a big decision to be a proper grownup and tend to a properly grownup work. Posing and pouting was my thing for years. Running around after Paris Hilton on your telly box was my thing for one year. (I was always running but never getting to the finish line.) Now, I’ve found that my brain actually does work and hey, since it does…why not attempt to use it. Plus, i look GREAT in pinstripes. I got to the apparent ‘finish line’ only to find out that luckily it was JUST THE START to a very exciting future.

(UGH! Some cow has just stole my plug socket space. How can I blog without a socket. I’m running low on juice sister. Now, she’s smiling at me in leopard print and a rival up do, like she just won at life. 🙂 )

Things have been alright emotionally of recent. The other day i had a meltdown, You know this. I blogged it. Yet, now…things have been looking up and i’ve noticed how strong I actually am. I gave up ‘doing wine every night’ for Stoptober. I’m always shit at anything like Stoptober because I don’t believe it’s good to restrain joy and freedom. Yet you have to, when the joy isn’t necessarily too much to right home about and gives you a headache when you really didn’t need one. Anything that gives you a headache is bad for you. I was hoping that you would all email me interesting things that you all stopped for ‘tober’…but you didn’t. Thanks for that! See! People don’t like stopping fun things that give them headaches. I guess it’s called escapism.

Oh shit yeah! Yesterday, I also found out that the ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ story was originally created to put young women off sex. The big bad wolf is supposedly meant to represent a man’s penis!! What>? How does that make sense? Yeah, I get the whole ‘oh she was scared if it.’ But why not make her far more terrified. Instead she sauntered up to him in bed, whilst he was dressed as a granny. (When have you ever seen a penis dressed as a granny? A tranny maybe, but not an old lady?) Then she decides to question it…which is also a part I understand, yet when would you EVER have conversation with a penis if you were sober? ‘What big eyes you have? What big teeth you have?‘ EH? Whoever made up fairytales needs a kick in the balls!

They missed a massive part of the tel out and the part that makes all the difference..Red Riding Hood did tequila before she visited Grandma. Helloooo Stoptober! I’ve now given up every day wine drinking. In fact the next time I see a willy,i’m gonna get sauced up and ask it questions of the same sort. ‘Hello willy! What a big nose you have?’ (It always gets you in the end. We’re girls, we make them grow by accident or on purpose and then have to run away screaming or crying into boozy gutters afterwards simply because it either broke our hearts or we didn’t mean it to grow in the first place.) I’m old now..still sexy though. I’m a cougar. A MILF. A Yummy Mummy of glory. (Even a nursery nurse told me that today. ‘How do you always look so glam Chrissie? You really are beautiful. You’re a yummy mummy.’) What I actually have are  foundation, orangy and powdery glitter filled troths by my bed. Once I wake, I simply dunk and screw my face in and around each one. By the third…I finish looking like a glamour puss. You should try it. 🙂

I’m naturally glammy. I can do a newborn night shift and run after a two year old and STILL make sure I leave the house by 7.50am  in my full ‘slap and yeehaa! ‘ It’s just in my nature and because I did my 20’s in Hollywood. It’s how women are bred out there. Its a town where what you LOOK like often matters more than anything. I’m smart. i stuck to the rules and presented myself the best I could in order to survive it…and then win at it. :))

What else was I gonna tell ya?

Oh yeah. Yesterday I also had Twitter banter with Matt Tarrant. He’s a magician. An Australian one. (He has a Kangaroo instead of a car.) A good one, because he tells me he’s ‘Never rubbish because he’s amazing.’ I enjoy people of that mentality because they’re the people who always do well. I hate the humble because I KNOW that all people who are a success or are going to be a success KNOW THAT THEY ARE GREAT A WHAT THEY DO. Entertainment is all about being an egomaniac. We’re show people. We’re paid to show off and make you happy and at all costs…which just means for cheques or cold hard cash. Even when people hate on entertainers, they don’t really care too much because they’re on the way to the bank to pop in another cheque, thanks to you. 🙂

But yes, I had GREAT banter with him yesterday and when you’re an intellect..Please stop laughing… I am a geek by nature…ask Wazza..I wore Deirdre Barlow glasses in class…it is really important that you get to exercise your MIND or you’ll just go absolutely insane. Sort of like if your naturally sporty. You NEED to go on that run or pop to the gym in order to feel fully alive and free yourself of frustration. Geeks like banter. I might look bimbo-esque. But with Asian Doctor parentals..(oh the stereotype) you kinda genetically end up being geeky and i love it.)

(I have no idea why the above ended up in italics? There are levels to geekiness. I just wear the glasses, obviously don’t exercise he brain enough.)

Anyhow, please do give him a ‘follow’ on Twitter @matttarrant because you might as well. He’s amusing. He’s talented. He’s smutty, magic and Australian. I certainly enjoy him, so you should also and simply because I have exceptional taste when it comes to folk. 🙂

Plus, you can stalk our Twitter feeds and re-read our hour of ‘B’ for banter, then make everyone else follow us out of nosiness.

I’m really looking forward to doing Christmas in the forest this year, I hope I hear good news by the end of the week.



Can you believe it’s up for rent for only £895 pcm! I could do 6 months there. Rubes would LOVE IT. ‘Carlton Hall.’

Leaving you with this picture because it always humours me that I can flash back into my life and know that this moment existed. I don’t look wasted at all do i? 😉


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