Bring me fucking TEA

Woke up this morning to Will Young licking an enormous 5 towered sandwich, he had made with massive bell peppers, and a girl who i found in my bed, who wanted to discuss destiny, fate and how if people tried harder they would do better in life. Oh really? I must have missed that memo. Fuck it, i’m doing great and it really only takes a little bit of effort…i must be a natural. My tea tastes delicious this morning.  PG Tips, it’s made by chimpanzees. Great word! (…to your Mother?)

I can’t really remember what i discussed in bed? Oh other than the fact that i said ‘those who sell themselves as good, are usually bad. And those who sell themselves as bad… are usually good. Those who pretend to not care, usually care the most. And those that cry all the time, need to just stop…mainly because it drives me fucking insanio. Stop the tears!!! It’s awkward. Life really could be a lot worse…you could be being eaten by ferocious lions, being fingered by a random Prime Minister or being paper cut in the eye by horny dwarves. Life is not that bad. Save the tears for when you’ve run out of Grey Goose.

You know a human needs to be touched 27 times a day to feel completely whole and loved. I don’t know whether they mean inappropriately or just tenderly tapped? But it’s apparently true. Try it, if you can be bothered. I’m way too busy and too important to tamper with such tilly. But if you see me, please do feel free to touch me. I WILL probably go into automatic ‘pounce-hump’ mode, but really it’s just a natural reaction. I definitely don’t need to get touched 27 times. I’d be exhausted. Half a touch, or even just a look will pretty much do the trick. Slaggamuffin!! ( I love that word! Kills two birds with one stone. Slag AND Muffin…in one giant slur!!! Genius!! ) Oh stop the judging!! I’m all boobs and no action.

Erm, someone has just told me that ‘the only way, i can defeat the Devil, is to turn my back on his ways?’ How dare you, reject the flames of hell!! Wait and who ARE you??? I constantly have random jolly folk sauntering around my house claiming to know me, or be related to me. If your gonna be here….bring me fucking TEA or something, right??

I just found one of my ‘supposed to be hidden’ Christmas presents. It’s one of those ‘Nintendo DS…blah, blah….’ things. I distinctively remember saying that i DIDN’T want one of them, as i don’t want to play with things that are for people of the ages 3 and up!!!! I’m nearly 28 bloody years OLD, (Hollywood age 22) for crying out loud. I don’t need my brain training, or to look after a computerized puppy!! I can’t even look after MYSELF!!! I need ‘good times,’ can-can dancers, and booze. I don’t need toys by Nintendo (unless ofcourse you want me to be the advertise the product for loadsa money…wink, wink, then i LOVE them!) I need to play with things that have emotions, a penis or come with diamonds!! Ugh!!

4 thoughts on “Bring me fucking TEA”

  1. you make me crack up chrissie u looking forward to christmas already i cant wait ot have me goose drink all me old mans and brothers booze then get me old gril to drive me home at about nina have a few stellas with me boys kip then 5 in the morning get a sherbert to gatweick or heathrow then fly to thailand get in there . i hope u have a lovely xmas cxhrissie and u get loads of things u like ot play with wink wink. slagamuffin is a good word i like it well done take care chrissie tada scratch xxx

  2. 27 times a day??? No wonder I feel so wretched. I’m SO in Touch Defecit there – unless touching yourself counts in which case i’m well ahead.

    Oh and i’m with you with the game console thing – that all passed me by…. Guitar Hero? Fuck off.



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