Omg, when i woke up this morning, i though i had stretch marks! OMG!!! I nearly actually died, (not that stretch marks are hidieous, because i think they can be edgey…yet surprise ones are terrifying.) Now, i’m all for a sprinkle of mildy hilarious, ‘i have no idea how i got that bruise’ Party scars, yet a delicious series of stretch marks, running up, down, around and [insert something that rhymes here coz i can’t think of anything worthwhile…you WILL think for me] is taking the joy of cocktailing a wee bit too far. LUCKILY, it was merely my fake tan, that had run, when wine was spilt down my clevage, which trickled down my tummy, and through onto my crotch, followed by my legs… the evening before. It had left thick bright white ‘looked like stretch marks’ lines of glory upon my legs. I was orange and white striped. I mean, you can call it floozey tragic, (and you all probably will) but i really can’t help that my legs are so greatness, that even when THEY’RE drunk, they want to be tigers. #BeMe And kittens, was I a TIGER last night! I still got it!!! *wiggle, hip bump, wink*(Like you should probably high five a ‘being’ at this point. Any being! They won’t mind. They never do…if you have tits.)
Okay, so obviously Friday i ‘had the feeling’ and after booze a bit of ‘party party,’ i ended up taxi-ing it to ‘Loverboy’s’ parents home (who i know a blog about a lot, but right now, he’s a major much part of my life innit) and after an Indian, with Multi coloued rice, Me mildy freaking out on the inside because i had never hung out with him in a ‘home’ environment before, (my body usually rejects this, but Pete has a good way of easing me into things 😉 ) red red wiiiine occured, I accidentally met his parents, (which is always the best way to meet parents,) I recieved a drunk phone call from @GaryPonty and spent time laying on a giant sofa with my ‘Handsome’, whilst we watched Chris Tarrant get Comdey Roasted. There was a joyous moment of ‘yeah but can you do this.’ We’re quite competitive people, yet pretend we’re not (like ya dooo) and tried to out ‘freak’ each other. He has a double jointed thumb, i have a double jointed *%$£&^%*..and wine helps. Games are only great when tipsy. I mean, naked Twisted is saucy when on gin, but naked Twister sober is more ‘erm…what are you doing?’ We didn’t play Twister, the only naked game we play is ‘sex.’ We played, ‘watch me, i’m a freak.’ I must have been drunk at this point. His thumb is insane.
Anyway, long story short, ‘Handsome’ and I can’t really lay on anything for too long, without the art of ‘hanky panky’ taking place. We’ve passed the deep rooted expression of love…we’ve noted that we feel that way about each other. We also waited an odd short while, before we had ‘rumpy,’ did everything the right way etc etc…and now we’re in the ‘can’t keep pur hands off each other’ phase. We can’t stop bonking…and it’s sensual, like the most erotically feeling ‘rumpy pumpy’ ever much. It just begins with a moment, where we’ll be pottering on about weather, then our eyes will LOCK. Once that happens, the ‘Va voom’ in me gets the better of me…and anyone really. His lust (which some call a sin) gets juiced up, and heated and then after a couple of minutes of looking each other directly in the eye…IT is ON bitches! Holy Moly!! Loverboy is a giving lover and well i’m also remarkably giving, in the bedroom…plus i’m quite genius at the art of ‘tease.’ You want a show, you’ll get one.
Yeah…so we had delicious ‘oooh mama’ on the sofa. AMAZING moment! I’ve got to the stage now, where i just look at him and i can’t not pounce, you know what i’m like, i’ll want to scramble on him like a heated chimpanzee…and well luckily. i apparently bring out a ‘devilish‘ side, to my yummy chunk of ‘Handsome.’ He doesn’t know what happens to him. I’m begininning to think, he’s really clever. On the way home, i farted…for the first time infront of him. It sounded so squeaky. lol. To this day, he can’t have a conversation about my ‘fart’ without pissing himself. If i knew it would be that funny, i wouldn’t have held half of it in.
Anyway, last night we went to Browns in Leeds. We’ve been before, and well i used to drink wine there with this Burlesque dancer from Manchester, and talk about how hot Ronaldo was. We didn’t get out untill late. (Pete works hard. I work ‘it’ hard.) Yet we managed to walk my boobs there, and have a couple glasses of vino. If you haven’t been, it’s like a trendy Leeds wine bar. We had a sofa to ourselves and talked about love, life, stripping, prison, whether we are alcoholics and ofcourse other people. I’ve noticed that we get stared at a lot…but i prefer it when people actually just come and say ‘Hi.’ Mid, eveing i actually realized what a life i’ve lived. I’m happy. I can’t believe all the madness i’ve gone through. The accidental jail thing, the Hollywood thing, the fun, lies, merriement, top of the world, bottom of the world…magic of life. I don’t know how i’ve managed to survive it. I can’t believe i dated all those people?? I have a story and I love it.
Okay to look at we apparently look like we not people that others would dare talk too? Let me tell you, when YOU thought we were pouting and posing and thinking we were the dogs bollocks…(well i probably was because i do think i’m amazing) we were actually deciding whether we should drink a pretty much full, but left over beer, that we had found on our table, which had got left their by a previous couple. (The girl was high maintenance, she ordered champagne, and drank all hers. The boy left his pint. lol. Hopefully, she got her champers and went for the *wink wink, i now want you* approach. #keepitsexual )
We had fun, I got really drunky…i loved every moment and lived it like any Glamour Puss of celebration would. I mean, i had had a pretty delicious day. I had shopped in the sun and absorbed an odd amount of attention galore (we all know, i love it)…Infact, all i needed was wine and a ‘handsome,’ and well i got it! What could be better. But lapdancing midget girls, with thug style accents, spanking each other to Missy Elliot?
Drove home, on the way i had demanded ‘bbm voicenotes’ whilst pissed up on Twitter. You gave me them and i loved you for it!! Hilarious! Mark Byron is a GOD!!!! (*Drinks some Port*) We drunken bantered via the art of bbm voice note, and then a random boy from Essex, (who sounded hot) yelled down Marks phone in admiration for me. It was something about me being ‘gorgeous.’ (Haha.) I like that. (*she blows her own trumpet of ego*)
‘Loverboy’ heard this…he’s not a jealous boy. Infact, Loverboy heard this and then immediately found a dark place off the quiet road…remember it’s no 1.30am, pulls into it, parks up and within 2 minutes we were making out and and OMG we probably had the best ‘ooh laaa Daddio’ EVER! OH MY GOD!!!!! Hanky panky much! We had deliciously vocal, sensual, hot, dirty dirty, ‘yabba dabba doo.’ We made love love…but raunchily. *Hahahaha.* Like, i’m meant to be cleaning up my act here…and neither of us are people who enjoy car sex, infact i avoid it. Yet in the last jiggle of time, i’ve had it at least four times. We can never wait! He’ll look at me, and his eyes are like, ‘You’re having it,’ and well i’m no help…i ooze…‘maneater‘ at him. But then immediatey afterward, we go back to being really calm, happy and lovey dovey. This is a boy that had no sleep the night before, worked all day and i mean ALL day. Loved me enough to know that i would want to see him. Get home at 9pm, get showered, changed, groomed. Pick ME up, at 10.30pm, drive me to a swanky wine bar, buy me my drinks, love me, cuddle me, tell me i’m amazing, then drive me home at 1am, and give me ‘nookie nookie.’ He’s romantic, he’s fun, he’s kind, quite and loyal, and on top of all that he’s fricking sexual. He’s put up with ME for a WHOLE ENTIRE MONTH! Heellllo much? And well me…i’m just a Glamour Puss. I always wear heels, even under grey clouds. I feel amazing. 🙂
Had a massive