I’m actually feeling much lighter today. I’ve had a brief morning weep. (Don’t you just love those. I’m there like a lunatic sobbing whilst changing Junior’s ‘follow-through, that I thought was going to be a massive poo.) Yet other than all that, i’m feeling organized, happy and like i’m a lot better at this than I ever thought. The nursery run was easy this morning. Ruby was easy this morning. (Apart from wanting a plait. My daughter’s hair is insane. Putting her ‘half-fro’ into a plait is like wrestling a lion with an anger management problem.) There was sort of a skip in my step this morning, even though my heart still feels very broken. Yet the good thing about me, is that i know what and who are important to me and what t put first in life..and right now, i’m ‘Mummy’ and my little babies need me. The wine drinking and the weeping to sad love songs can wait whilst they’re around now. I’ve suddenly noticed how strong I am and I’ve suddenly noticed that I’m a long stronger emotionally than my ‘don’t even know where he lives’ husband. When times get tough, I don’t ‘do a runner,’ or jeopardize the hearts of my bambino’s in order to go ‘find myself.’ In my mind,when you’re a parent, you ARE going to feel lost, you ARE going to need space, you ARE going to feel weak at times, but the whole point is that you muscle together, pull ya socks up and just get on with it, knowing that everything is going to be more than okay, instead of throwing a pity party that doesn’t even include rum. It all only ends up with regret. I’ve been there. On both sides. It’s never fun. (Hmm…rum. As I tweeted yesterday, there was a stage in my life where a handful of gentlemen were inboxing me to literally become my real life slave. I’m not at all joking!! One gent found me, after a mild stalk in a Gay Bar in London and demanded that I boss him about. I couldn’t do it to him and found it all a bit hilariously odd? He honestly wouldn’t do anything, UNLESS I had told him to do it? Even sip his own drink!!! To say i’m seen as the bossiest of boots…I found that I actually had a heart after all. 🙂 (Yeah it beats and everything.) Then, i realized that whatever issue he had, he just had. What truly made him happy in that moment was for me to just tell him what to do. Weird I know. But honestly, he loved it. So, I made him get a drink, drink it, go find his friends and then leave…after I hugged him and thanked him for his brief service. He told me how much I had made his evening..but kept calling me ‘Queen Wunna.’ Then as Gay Adam reminded me last night, I walk off to the dance floor of Pre-Bar London..and get tortuously man handled, by an aggressive dancer, who was gay, loved glitter and well was it Kylie that was playing? Not sure what he thought, but he sort of GRABBED my being and started swinging me around, up, down and around with a shimmie …madly…joyously…and o music. It got so aggressive that my weave half fell out. Paahahaha.. My face was priceless, I looked like a blow up, ninja, sex doll…in shock and maybe on her period. And what did Gay Adam do!!??! Piss himself laughing at the fact that I was in such discomfort. CHARMING! Thank God that sound stopped, coz I swear I would’ve ended up DEAD by Dance. At that time, I had recently come ‘off the telly’ as I like to say. Back then I believed behaviour of that sort was the downside to my 5 minutes. However, now I look back…it was certainly one of my ‘ups.’ 🙂 I so should’ve stayed with the slave. It’s just goes to show how 4 minutes and a strut can change your entire life. One minute I was Queen Wunna..the next I was gay dance floor fodder..and all because of a wrong step forward.)
Anyway, what was I saying…So, Keiran came over yesterday to well…as the term goes…talk. Which is probably what he should’ve done in the first place, before pulling a ‘Houdini’ on us…and I say ‘us,’ because I come as part of a threesome now and it’s not one of the dodgy sexy sort…it’s all Asian, dirty nappies and tantrums. (Hang on…I haven’t worded that plain enough. It still sounds a bit sexy to weirdos? *Flashes back* to a ‘Cheaters’ episode where the guy was caught running around in a diaper after being cradled and breast fed by a…whore. : )
But, he came over to chat and to reassure me that he hadn’t ended our marriage, he still very much wanted the marriage, he just needed to get better and find himself again and prove a point because he felt mistreated. He stated that he would want to still be married to me, yet LIVE in a completely different place for a while and come to see the children every night for an hour, until they go to bed? Erm…?
First of all, he has just broken my HEART, by not realizing how a text could effect the way I felt about myself and our relationship. He wanted to prove a point, I get that. But it’s done the opposite as now it’s opened a whole new can of worms, one that is highlighted with mistrust. I think he was so caught up in his own mind and own head that he forgot that I was a girl (the simply basics to love) and that after just texting me and disappearing on me and incorrectly wording a text, which would make me think he had abandoned my marriage, family and heart and that i was only worth a text message…my just make me feel a bit cautious of him and his ‘love,’ or the faith that I had in him to commit. As far as I know, when we first met, I had every single one of his friends tell me that he was massive player, could never could settle down, used women for sex…slept with everyone and anyone he wanted..and if that’s coming from what we classed as his ‘best friends’ at that time…who I actually had nothing to do with from last year…then what am I supposed to think. It makes me feel like he thought marriage and babies were fun for a while, but now he’s not so keen on it and wants to leave.
Anyway, the first thing I said, and it was heavily awkward when we initially spoke was this:
‘How do I know that you’re not having an entire relationship with some other girl and you want to see how that pans out and incase it doesn’t you want to keep me sweet and your marriage alive so you can pop right back to safety when you need it!!?’
He was in literal shock that I might think that and to any girl that would be the first thing you think and he didn’t THINK before he made a move because he didn’t question how it would make me feel. He didn’t even think about the children. Who walks out on someone after their partner has spent her entire first year of marriage pregnant and then birthing the most beautiful little boy, who became the little brother to my beautiful little girl, who HE MADE a ‘Daddy’s girl.’ He never thought enough before he made his move and he felt that he had to do it that way because otherwise he wouldn’t have gone and he needed to.
He then said, he wasn’t with anyone and that he would never ever do that to me, he’s not that stupid, he just needed space and to teach me a lesson. But the lesson I have learnt is to maybe not trust him, as his emotions are too fickle to give me and my stability. And that emotion has grown over the little poin tthat he wanted to prove which was the simple fact that he wanted to get treated better. It’s all because of the way he has done it.
I then told him that I didn’t even know where he was, who he was with, what he was doing or where he even lived and that of course i’m going to think all sorts because he pulled a disappearing act and abandoned me. And his only response to that was…‘You can ask me. You can even come and see where i’m living, I’m not with a girl. I promise you, You have my word.’ But firstly his word doesn’t really hold true to me at the minute, because of his text…and secondly ASK HIM? If you cared and wanted to love and protect your wife and your family, you would make sure they always KNEW where you were incase something terrible happened and we needed him! That shouldn’t be information that isn’t freely given. Men are so selfish. No mother or wife would ever leave their children or husband for a while and not leave deatils of their whereabouts, incase anything should happen. He just hasn’t thought and now caused so much hurt and shock in me that i’m not doing this ‘together but separated thing.’ My kids and I are worth more than waiting for some guy to care enough about us, to want to be there for us full time.’
So what he wants is to live in a different house, still be married, yet be able to do his own thing, and see the children whenever he wants…and he ended it with a ‘but we’re still together Chrissie, I love you, I haven’t abandoned the family.’
That’s what SEPARATED PEOPLE DO, people who aren’t together anymore. They live separately and see the children once a week and shuffle schedules. When you’re married the whole point is that you ‘do it together.’ You’re meant ot be life partners, not two separate units and I hate him for doing this to us. He’s broken my heart and right now, I can’t get passed it, because I can’t trust that he’s committed to me or the family. ‘I want to do my thing’ doesn’t cut it when you have a wife and two children.
And again he hasn’t thought about how that might sound to me…because to me it sounds like, he wants to go do whatever he wants, make ME take care of the children full time and on my own, he’ll just pop in and play with them for an hour, before he leaves to go do his own thing, whilst i do all the hard ‘baby’ stuff, and he tries to keep his marriage sweet and secure incase he needs to come back to it and if whatever relationship/life that he believes is more important that the one we had goes sour. The easy way out. he hasn’t though about the times that I felt that I couldn’t cope…but I did…I looked after myself and my children even at my times of weakness. I had a newborn and a two year old to look after because after a month I had to deal with feeling like a single mum of TWO, as he left and went away to work. I moaned, but I got one with it. I didn’t run away from my responsibilities. I don’t even believe he’s been loyal or faithful to me at all now…everything just seems to make sense now, like why he was always away, why he was always playing golf…why he was so tired and stressed…all of it. I don’t trust him anymore because he didn’t take care of my heart. So to me, even though we’re dancing under a title of marriage, it feels like we’re very separated because we’re not living ‘one life together.’ WE’re living two and I don’t even know where he is right now, what he’s doing or anything…and he STILL didn’t even bother to tell me.
Like I said in my last blog, I’m worth more than waiting around for him to heal. He’s planted suspicion now and coming from a previous marriage which towards the end was filled with that….well lets just say it’s not comfy. I’m just gonna get on with life, with my children and well now I need time to heal…i just don’t get why he believed I was going to be okay with all this. The way he sneaked out, the way he didn’t even tell us where he went, the fact that he DID plan it, the fact that I don’t believe he isn’t with other girls, the way he hurt my heart, abandoned his family, the fact that he only wants to be with us ‘part time,’ and live separately…yet ofcourse still be happy and married and together. Who told him that I would agree to that! No. You walked out. You’ve moved out. You chose to leave us. So it doesn’t matter if you’re saying you’re still my wife, I love you, I haven’t left any of you. YOU HAVE. That’s exactly what you did. You can’t be in a marriage and be separated all at the same time. You’re one or the other. You can’t show up and play with the children for one hour a day and say you’re are a full time father. You can’t leave me and then say ‘we’re still together though.’
I mean, he was even shocked that I asked for my house keys back? Shocked? Why? He moved out, it’s not where he lives anymore. There’s not anything in this house that belongs to him, aside for his son..and Junior HALF belongs to him. He’s now a guest. My heart doesn’t trust his anymore. I got my keys back. Which he responded to with a ‘that was your first mistake because you’re putting a barrier up.’ Mistake? Love isn’t a game or a test..his mistake was abandoning me when things got too tough for him and believing that a text message was an appropriate way to cut a tie, with your wife and children. And well, yeah of course there’ s going to be a barrier. He left and hurt my heart. He doesn’t get to leave and also dip in and out of our lives when he feels he wishes to.
I don’t have keys to where he lives now…so he doesn’t have keys to mine. I don’t even KNOW where he lives now. That to me…makes sense. The weird thing is, i’m coping really well now…i’m getting on with life.
(The above is me drawing a line under it. 🙂 )
On a jollier note…shit loads of you saw me gardening yesterday. 🙂 I get why it shocks you, because it sure as hell shocks me. But I did have help. However, after the help…I then went back and snipped a few bushes, pruned a few over-growns. It was bizarrely therapeutic, if your frustrated or angry, or even lovingly hurt, gardening works. I don’t know if it’s the destroying or shedding of something, that sets you free…as you snip down bushes..or whether it’s the manicuring of your garden that give you a sense of control and order. But it’s good. Brought a smile to my sorry (hot) 🙂 face.
I’ve even got to do it again today because my arms are really rubbish at working. I have no muscles. But i’m excited about it.
I even signed up with a personal trainer…well about to anyhow. I went to school with him and he’s back in town. He’s a sportsman by trade and throws the javelin for a living. I need to take my mind of stuff for a while and get into shape, so what better way to do it…then lunging? I’m more about my workout outfit than anything else. The cuter I look, the easier my work out will be. I hope?
Apart from all that, I’m loving your messages. They’re making me smile and well reminding me that not only do I have support, but that it actually happens to everyone, meaning I didn’t need to throw my usual pity party for one…I simply put a gummy label over it that (in big letters) read ‘LIFE.’
This was my favourite message from yesterday:
‘Just a quick one! Someone left me whilst I was pregnant. If I can do it fat,pale and unemployed you definitely can! It’s actually easier in most ways!!! Unleash the inner lioness and remember: no more skiddy pants or pubes in the shower! ;0) xx’
I adore women who can laugh it off with a bit of wit and muscle me forward with a slap bang, ‘be a lion.’ 🙂 Beautiful beautiful lady friend. (God, now i’ve just made us sound like complete dodgy lesbians.)
My other favourite was the cashier lady, in Co-OP, who read my blog and who I adore…I see her everyday, I might as well invite her over for Christmas Cake. She stopped me, had a chat and powered me on with a ‘hey-ho!’ I’m like this complete loser 🙂 that although humiliated can sort of pick herself up, grin and laugh about it, with a sigh and a few life plasters.
I’m working hard, I open my new dating site soon…I’m hopefuly getting a column and alongside motivationally speaking, blogging, being a mum and working…i’ve functioning on coffee and weirdly pruning bushes. I should ‘vag-jazzle’ them.
The Keiran thing isn’t that bad. He does want to make it better. But…well but…it just makes no sense to me. You can’t want to go do your own thing and still have me on hold, so no-one else can have me, or incase his other ‘whatever he’s ups to’s’ don’t pan out. That’s how I see it. The reason why I don’t just believe he needed space, is simply because he ‘snook’ off and didn’t tell me where he was going, or where he would be for a while. He just didn’t realize how much additional pain and suspicion his actions would cause. He just wanted to prove a point. Unfortunately…it just hasn’t worked out as smoothly.