I’ve been out of Hollywood so long that when i recieve calls at 1.13am, i actually do believe it’s people in trouble and in need of my help, instead of just people wanting good old fashioned ‘booty.’ FOOLISHNESS!!! I need to snap out of it. It’s purely a hinderance. I’m losing my touch, but kind of not really. This ‘booty’ has unfortunately grown up a little bit, and now doesn’t appreciate the calls as much as it use too. ( I know, we all weep) Don’t get me wrong, i love a good ‘How’s ya Father/Dangle ya donkey’ session, but really if i need it, i will hunt for it. So stop f***ing disturbing my sleep!!! (haha) I’m bloody exhausted, due to this constant stream of calls wanting ‘booty’. UGH!!! All night, almost every night my phone has not stopped telling me my ‘milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,’ (my ringtone), with rotten boys leaving me McDrunky messages, yet trying to pretend that they’re not at all McDrunky….and politely asking for ‘booty.’ It starts off quite normal, then as the night goes on, the shots go down and it starts to eat away at my soul. (You’re ment to be eating at my ‘girl parts’, not my fucking soul. It actually got to the point where my mother’s HOME answering machine was getting poorly serenaded by drunk penis’s, for hours on end. The last call being at 7.02am!!! She’s a Doctor, she really doesn’t need to be hearing drunken renditions of ‘ I’m bring sexy back.’ I could even hear you pelvic thrusting. (hahahaha)
Drunk dialling is always quite tragic, and no-one knows it better than I. I am the Queen of reaching for my phone after a few dirty beverages and frantically stabbing at it for numbers to call, during a broken heart period, or a sudden need to share the merriness. (hahaha) Yet, all my recent booty calls, were from the boys i know in LA!!! Okay, so i’ll say this once and once again…. you haven’t yet noticed that i’m NOT IN LA???????? Helloo??? What is wrong with you? Booty call girls, who are on the right continent!! I will be back, to still not sleep with you, shortly. However until then i am in ENGLAND!!! You really DIDN’T just see me at that bar you were at, or whatever?? The drunken trip you made to my old LA appartment really probably frightened someone. ( I use to have one of those appartments, where one could climb up the pipe onto my precious balcony, and creek open the door, and sneek into my sheets, without me even knowing. FYI/ Great when single!!! I have wonderful memories!!)
Anyway, all i’m saying is booty calling is fine, yet boys you’ve just got to be smarter. If you actually call me whilst drunky, when i’m awake. I’ll love it and find you hilarious. If you do it when i’m conked out asleep, and all ‘snuggly snuggly dreamland’, then i’ll probably despise you. It’s the way the world works laddies. I love you all!! I wish i was still an easy one nighter. (Leg over it chappies!) It is actually funnier than you think, when you’re the sober one. Girls are never funny whilst booty calling. They always try to be too sexy. I had a chick booty call me once. It was pretty rubbish. Plus, i don’t know where she got the idea that i wanted to sleep with her?? I love how boys say everything, without saying anything. SOOOOOOOOOOO hot!!! I need a bloody vodka!