In Birmingham Today

Hectic! On my way to Birmingham today…to go wave and wink and people who hate me. I have a million kittens, called ‘The Kittens’ racing around me like whores on crack. They’re a bit slutty for young ladies, but with a Mother like me, you’re not gonna expect much more. (Big Black Dildo Please…with a side of ‘OOoh Matron.’) I haven’t bothered naming them, as there’s far too many now. I just refer to them as ‘The Kittens’…they’re like a girlband…with boys in?? (That fuck.)

Anyway, i’m a bit narked off today, well i’m happy, but it’s day 2 of my period and i have to walk around with a mountain of Tampax in my purse. I was standing in the middle of a shopping centre, over a bin, stuffing Tampax into my bag like there was no tomorrow. Everyone was staring at me and unsure. I felt like a hoader, but a great deal more x-rated, with a bleeding ‘Mary Poppins,’ that was crying ‘love me.’

 Last night Wazza tried to be a Walrus, by placing two of my tampons in his mouth. Not sure how he didn’t realise that those particular lucky little bits of rolled up, absorbent cotton sticks would be rammed up my perky vagina shortly afterward. I’m actually quite chipper to say it’s that amazing time of month again. There’s a party in these panties!! Or that could be the drugs??

I was actually really awake, but now i’m all tired again and it seems that my boobs are fucking shrinking. I’m losing weight…and it’s coming off my titty-roos!! NOoooooo! Kill me!!! What’s the point in buying them if they’re gonna shrinky on you!!! UGH!!! Not that i value my ‘being’ on my boobies…but i totally value my whole entire being on my boobies and this just aint gonna cut it! All girls should purchase a pair, you’ll get loads more free dinners. (Go on…slag it.)

I’m think i’m a bit mad, (as in ‘angry’ and not as in ‘window licking, where’s my cactus dildo,’) because my dad (who’s now a bit loopy)…thinks he’s ME!! It’s pissing me off!! Everyday he’s something new, and trying to be more like me. He’s 60 years old, and still wants to compete. I’m not quite understanding it and to be honest i can’t really be bothered!! Today he’s a ‘blogger.’ I roll my slanted fucking eyes! Not sure why being a Doctor isn’t enough for him? He likes the limelight….but step back…it’s MINE!!!! (Hahah…bless his little not working heart.)

Anyway i might aswell go…. I love you…I do.

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