When your day starts with a text message to your best friend reading: ‘Can’t do gin today, ‘cos i got booked to do charity. Ugh!!’ You know you’re life is going down hill. Since when did last minute ‘charity’ come before a pre- scheduled day of gin drinking with you’re bezzie. I really fancied it too. So just the thought of knowing that i was missing all the gin dripped times of ‘goodness’ made me feel almost irrate and extremely bored with everything around me…which surprisingly is not very good when one is supposed to be being charitable. This bitch needs gin and she needs it NOW!
Anyhow, i did my fair share of smiling and waving, and picture taking and signing, then pretended i needed a serious toilet break…and quite clumsily tottered off into the distance, to lock myself away for a good 20 minutes, in a bathroom stall. I needed a ‘time out’ from all the ‘do gooding.’ I was spending the day around people who in their real lives despised me, yet in their ‘Ooh we’re doing charity, therefore we’re better people’ lives adored me and sucked up to my every move. I usually take advantge of these moments, yet really…i just wanted gin.
So i was sat on the toilet locked tighely in my secret stall, like the Glammest of all Pusses in all of the Universe. It was sadly hilarious. I had a huge white fur coat on, massive draping diamond earrings, a short dress, the largest eyelashes the world has ever seen, the most brilliant tan and these ridiculous crystal encrusted heels of sheer amazement…and i was sat on the toilet, doing a poo (i guess my pretend toilet break ended up not being so ‘pretend’) reading a rather large amount of BBM’s i was recieving on my Blackberry. It seems when boys are wasted they open up and decide they really fancy me and start being the sweetest little lovers of ‘love.’ Then when they’ve sobered up, they go back into ‘cold bastard-can’t reveal how i really feel’ mode. They pretend it never happened. It’s a fun read, when on the loo. Then after 20 mins of freedom…(funny how being trapped alone in a blue toilet stall, which was oddly making me halluncinate seemed like ‘freedom,’) i wiped up and got ready to venture back into the world of all those ‘charitable.’
Unfortunately my toilet wouldn’t flush!! OMG!! We’ve all had that moment when you’ve done a bit of a ‘show’ in the bowlio, you can’t ‘flush’ and there’s a line of desperate pee-ers awaiting your departure!! FUCKING HELL! So in my fur and diamonds, i’m frantically trying to flush this ‘nonsense’ down the chugger a million times at once….and it’s just not happenning!! (hahaha) So i re-adjusted my pretty self, tossed my hair, gently opened the door and with my head held high, strutted out of that stall like i was the Queen of ruddy Sheeba…to a group of girls who insisted i was ‘BBF Chrissie.’ You’d think i’d be embarassed, but honestly i just found it hilarious. I love public loos! It’s the only place you can go visit, soil and then leave for someone else to clean up!!
To say i was the face of this ‘Charitable’ day…i hardly did anything too charitable, except give some of my brain space to the simple thought of gin. I did actually feel bad and kind like a phoney…so (and i was in an outside shopping mall, signing pictures) ran into every shop i could and dropped my ‘bottom of bag’ change in every charity box known to mankind. I mean bloody hell, I saved the fucking whales, cured cancer, prevented child abuse and helped starving ethiopians have a bit of dinner. Now if that isn’t pretty decent karma then fuck knows what is!! Then for some reason stumbled into Primark, with a ‘Prada’ on my arm (delicious thing to accessorize with, that you may also rotate with a ‘delicious male’ on the odd occasion of luck. Oh and ‘babies’ when babies are in season) and bought 5 pairs of knickers for £2.45 simply because it humoured me. I did also come out with a pair of hot little moon boots, and a million bikinis for my imaginary holiday.
I then spent a large amount of time staring at a baby sized Cinderella Carousel, all golden and red,with little kids aimlessly circuling around on horses that had feather dusters sticking out of their foreheads and pumpkin carriages, whilst teenagers one after the other stood by me for a picture. It was playing ‘heads shoulders, knees and toes’ (the nursery rhyme, not the dance remix, you twats..although that would be somewhat hilarious.) I wished for gin and wondered how long i was having to be chairtable for??
It seems i missed all the day of ginny merriment with friends…i mean i could go now, but’s its 8.15pm, i’ve just got home and i’m now in my pyjamas all settled for the evening. I’m missing all the fun stuff. My careers really getting in the way of all that! Hahaha…Tragic!