Oh my God. I’ve just got back from fooding with friends, and buying a ‘Learn to Speak Spanish’ CD and life has just got turned upside down. My body is pulsating with worry and i simply don’t know what to do. I’m having serious domestic pet drama. My youngest kitten ‘Putulay’ 3 days ago, without my knowledge spurted out a batch of babies in my closet. (How rude!!!) I didn’t even know she had had the babies!! I noticed that she had got thinner, but just figured she was cutting down on her carb intake.
Anyway, i’m pulling a black fur coat out of my closet (I’m converting one of the rooms of the house into a walk in closet…i’m sick of having to hang some of my clothes on the floor,) and out of nowhere, mid tug, plops a baby beige, palm of my hand sized, tiny Ewok looking creature. FUCKING HELL. Now i’m not scared of much, but i SHAT myself. It rolled out of my fur, plopped onto the floor and i think i swore in every other language but my own for 2.4 seconds whilst sudden yelping like a stranger had just put his finger up my ‘wazoo.’
Like that wasn’t bad enough, i then start to hear tiny yelps and screeches coming from the depths of my closet. I’m about to pass out at this point. I’m standing their in my knicker crackers and bra, all lashed and in heels, insanely screaming because i believe i’m about to get savaged by these tiny secret ‘yelps.’
No-one was with me, so i was forced to be brave. I fucking hate that. This is why i need a man. They need to carry my bags, pay for my dinner, open my soda bottles and search for my Ewoks in my closet. I start slowly pulling clothes out one by one. I yank out a Louis Vuitton. I wiggle a belly dancer outfit out of there and BEFORE MY VERY EYES i finally see 4 little palm sized Ewoks, staring (well not staring as they can’t open their eyes yet) at Me..all shivery and cute. It’s half cute and half EXTREMELY terrifying. I pull one out and plonk it on the bed. Then ‘Putulay’ my kitten leaps out of nowhere, claws me to death (the bitch) and starts chewing on her child’s head. I think she’s trying to eat her own child infront of me, and start CRYING! (Hahahah!) Anyway, it turns out she was merely picking it up by the neck and plonking it back with the others. She littered my closet with lives. I’m having a mild heart attack.
I don’t know what i’m supposed to do? Do i just have Ewoks living in my closet?? Oh and i saw a real life dwarf sized drunken Captain Birds Eye today. I can’t handle this shit.
Chrissie Wunna (I’m panicking and doing it to this song) :