I am a Legend…i think?

‘How you gonna waltz into my room and tell me how i’m supposed to be?’

‘Well how are you gonna inspire people, if they don’t know that you’re BETTER than them. They ALL do it…Hilton, Kardashian, Price..all of them!’

‘Are you seriously doing Arthur Fonzirelli thumbs at me, and walking around my room like you KNOW fucking everything! I’m still in bed! GO AWAY!

‘(Smiles)…i can’t believe you just called me Arthur Fonzirelli. You absolute fucking ‘pussycat’ BITCH. I’ll be like Madonna when i’m 50.

‘What? Pastey, in leotards, whilst falling to bits, in yoga crotch panties.’

‘Christina, sometimes you can be such a big whore. I’m not talking to you, until you’ve had some carbs.’ (*Flounces out of room. All gay & tragic.*)

I am having an ACE day today! I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but i feel sassy, alive and full of VA VOOM. I’m back bitches and boy does it feel delicious! I think all i needed was some alone time. I’ve been doing a lot for others recently (ugh much,) to the point where i’ve felt a bit suffocated. I’m a kitty cat that needs her SPACE and freedom. The art of the old ‘tie down’ terrifies me and makes me hit all the panic buttons at once, in a hysterical blitz of ‘Oh lord SAVE ME!’ I always think i need a super amount of time and space. However after one day of ‘all about me’...i usually feel completely uplifted and back to my normal bubbly self again.

I adore myself and if i can give you any advice that would put you on the road to Glamour Pussiness…it would be to  take one day of every week, to concentrate ON YOU. It’s essential. Whether you spend it at a spa getting  pampered, or with friends in a wine bar, drinking cocktails, or simply alone with your favourite movies. It is IMPORTANT to love every inch of who you are. It’s amazing…if you do it correctly. You’ll see that others will adore you to! (It’s sounds so simple, yet not many pussycats, manage to take a day out of the week to concentrate on themselves. We’re a lot more selfless than we think.)

Yesterday, i had that much needed ‘ME time.’ I’m a bold, brash, piece of ‘ooh.’ When i stand alone, i feel STRONG, like i can protect and love the kittens that need me & batter away the ‘eww factors’ with a single *wink wink-hip bump.* However, now I’m back and all a sizzle and I feel like i can conquer the world.

As most of you know, i have a cosmetics line (which is taking ages to make..but will be out shortly) a coming you way. I love makeup. I love the art of being ‘glammy’ But it seems to be taken so super long to just be out and for sale. I was never good at being patient when excited.  I have 62 products, which takes a rather long time to put together. I just can’t wait. I want everyone to be a little bit more ‘dragged’ up, with the Wunna cosmetics line! 

Also my pretty pieces of *shim-tastico,* I have a book coming out. It’s been a dream of mine to sort of publish an ‘as i go along’ kind of autobiography in memoir form, that will volume my life and fill the bed side tables and book shelves of delicious ‘beings’ around this entire world. It’s something i really love because not only is it a share of my experience through this little ‘life’ thing we’re ALL actually doing. (More of you need to tell your story. I love @EddClays’s blog and i love that a bunch of people found his blog the other day by Google searching the words ‘chrissie wunna- tits’) But yes, i loev the share of experience and i love tha fact that my book of life memories is [wait for it]…ALL ABOUT ME! Which as we know, The Wunna…does love!

 I can’t wait to shoot for the cover. I can’t for it to get published. I can’t wait for it to be in stores and well unlike a lot of our nation’s beautiful ‘celebrities,’ that cover every magazine in the United Kindgom on a daily..be it Miss.Price, Miss.Katona, Or Mr. Andre. I actually wrote every single word of my book…myself. (Ooh look at you.)I didn’t have a ghost writer, simply because i am terrified of ghosts and truely believe that no-one can tell YOUR story better than YOU. It doesn’t matter if you can’t read or write fluidly. It’s all just meant to be about expression! I was lucky enough to be bought a pretty decent education (that i thought i flushed down the pretty private loo, yet luckily didn’t realize it would kick in later in life) and well i know that not very many people have that opportunity. I’m not one to forget how lucky I am. (I will tell you that before i go to sleep every night, i say i prayer…but only when i’m alone and granted that’s not a lot due to my keen eye for a shirtless ‘handsome.’ My prayer however is never for Me, but for the well being of those who are less fortunate than I. I mean who’d thought, i’d be so charitable in prayer form.) I’ve been lucky in life and walked into opportunity accidentally. But it doesn’t mean, that i don’t want to be luckier and luckier and with every moment that i am alive. *Does a great big old shimmie of the tits.*

Anyway, back to m going on about how i’ve written my whole entire book by myself. and how it doesn’t take a rocket science, just a thought and the ability to pen or type it…Let me tell you, there are blogs that i have written so fucking sauced up on cocktails, that i was quite possibly *swaying* and blind whilst i wrote them. I mean I  have missed words out, spelt every little thing I could spell wrong and forgot to punctuate, whilst letting kittens wee on my laptop and making sure there was a tanned, buff  ‘handsome’ warming up my sheets. That is the beauty of Chrissie Wunna. It’s raw, it’s real, it’s candid, fun and boobied. (I try not to bullshit people. But sometimes…. You’ve just kinda of got too. 🙂 )

Last night and after a water fight with a bunch of chubby people. (I’m allowed to call them chubby because they are unfortunately my friends and they refer to me as *slaggamuffin* at the most inappropriate times.)  Apparently, i find it funny to fill tiny water guns, that you can buy for 99p, with MILK, and *squirt* it onto peoples tops, in the *nipple* area to make it look like they’re lactating. (I’m only jealous, because soon i will be. Therefore I want everyone to feel my pain.) We all ran around the garden, at that lovely time of day where it’s the day turning into night, under apple tree, and *squirted* milk out of our privates at each other, via the fine art of tiny neon plastic gunnage. I have never laughed so hard in my life (apart from that one time with Ryan in LA, whilst riding a giant african tortoise on pot) and for one tiny minute, i remembered i was ‘The Wunna.’

My fun always goes a bit too far though and we ended up squirting milk onto foot path passengers, who only really wanted to walk their dogs and in peace. (I live in a lovely area of Pontefract, where it’s all residential and full of happy, wealthy posh professionals…and their Mothers.) It’s sad really when i take things too far. I like to hit the lofty heights of GREATNESS, then crumble it down myself, with laughter. There were a lot of heads shook in disappointment. I gave in and watched ‘Celebrity Come Dine With Me.’ Janice Dickinson is now my new GOD!

Now, i’m not being funny or anything, but i truely did think Janice excelled with GREATNESS on ‘Come Dine With Me.’ I fucking LOVED her, I was laughing my pretty tanned arse off, in my living room, whilst craddling my kittens, and well for that moment, i didn’t think life could get any better.

It’s not that she was a delicious HOT mess, that made me worship her…because parts of seeing a grown woman all drunken strunken, with her eye makeup smudged across her face in the back of a taxi, is mildy upsetting innit! I mean, i feel for her because there is definitely that part of her in ME. I’m quite like her, all cocks and balls, and lipgloss martinis, with a hint of maneater and a tan so orange it could warn large boats away from ‘will sink the shit out of you’  icebergs.

But what i did adore about her, was the fact that she managed to go on a cooking show and MAKE IT ALL ABOUT HER. I mean she’s the only one, out of the four that i actually completely remember! I love her for that! Walk into shit and OWN that fucker! 🙂 (I do apologise for all the swearing, but i feel all LA today and in LA pretty much everyone swears!)

Other than all of that jigery pokery, so far this morning, i’ve taken a shower to ‘Spice up your life.’ You should actually try it because it’s hilarious. I enjoy a bit of music when i bathe and yes i do imagine my bathign music to be all seductive and slow, with a flow that would suggest the rolling up on stockings. But no, i had that on for a good 7 second seconds, and then my laptop (which i had in the bathroom with me, as my DJ) suddenly flipped a bitch and turned it into a Spice Girl reunion. I showered to ‘Spice up your life!’ I am GREATNESS! I did all the dance moves and everything mid-lather! Have you ever, ‘Yellow manned in Timbuktu’ed’ in the shower?’ Din’t think so! Booyah!

Now, i’m going to wander off and fill my brain with the stories of Lottery winners. I’ve decided i want to win money, just to say i can, or did, or..well you know? I think if a bunch of normal people can win it a week, then I can to! We all know this ends badly. But ah well…let me do it anyway. 😉

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