Woke up this morning feeling half full, and all ‘i shouldn’t have had so much wine’ squinty eyed, with period pains. Then i suddenly looked up and realised two wooden planks were about to fall on my head, so i ended up having to leap out of my sheets, all yellow frilly panties and screams, in order to attempt to save my own life. Not a good way to wakey. I always thought that in a scary moment of panic, a handsome muscle bound hero, or a bundle of saucy midgets would always appear out of nowhere and thrust me to safety. No such luck! I was left to save my own bloody life. Where’s a hero when you flipping need one?? The’yre always around trying to be Mr.Right, at the Mr.Wrong moments, yet are they there when you really need to get saved…..me thinks NOT! Hero’s are over-rated and always LATE! I shouldn’t really complain, as i could’ve woken up this morning by getting smacked in the face by two giant wooden planks. Although hilarious, i kinda would’ve been dead, and i can’t really go out like that. I need a much more glamourous exit from this wonderful world…and a crumpet.
It’s not even 1pm and i’ve already been told that i look like i use to be a man, had 14 cups of tea and can’t find anyone to sell me a kitten. I’ve already called every being on this earth, who claim to have kittens for sale, yet not one person has got back to me, agreeing to give me one! Swines!!! It’s just one of those days. I’m fed up! Pass me my wooden planks! I need a kitten…NOW goddamit! How can i have a kitten named ‘Pussy’ if i don’t even have a kitten to name ‘Pussy.’ Ugh! So frustrating!
Why, do more people like me in Los Angeles, than they do over here, in the place that actually birthed me?? Come on you Brits! Rule Britannina and all those teacups. My dear mignon has informed me, that the majority of my blog readers reside in LA. (I adore you!) They love my tragic life and me living it so much, that currently two different people in high-ish places are writing screen plays about my it…right now!! Ofcourse, i love this, as it’s all about me, and i’m a shameful ego-maniac, but can someone really write about your life, who’s not actually living it with you? Luckily for me…..YES!!! She’s a WINNER!! Burmese bongo boobies all around! I don’t understand how a little oriental girl can conquer Hollywood, just like that, (i love how i make it sound like it was a breeze…it’s actually a trick all the kids in Hollywood use. Millions of people fantasize and dream of moving there every day to make their dreams come true. Why? Because we make it look easy!! You Fools!!) Anyway, but yeah…I can’t get the Brits to understand me, AT ALL…even if my life depended on it!! (Enter: Muscle bound Hero? No? Hello? Oh, you’re stroking it to a tin of baked beans again….okay, you can save me later!)