Friday, Cheeseboards, Old Friends &Tequila



So, I’d promised Ben that i’d meet him this Friday for drinks with him and ‘da boys,’ after work, to celebrate his ‘last day of drinking’ before he starts his ‘stripping down diet,’ or whatever? It was Friday, ‘Da Boys’ are always cool. Ben is always cool. Drinking is always cool. So I agreed, finished work at five o clock and ran my pretty arse home (if was running was ‘dove my Mercedes’ 😉 ) and after picking Ruby up from her first day at ‘Big School.’ (It’s the Kindergarten, where in which she has to go to one full day of proper school until she starts in September. I actually went to the same school when I was a child, so it was kinda weird to be walking my little loin fruit through the grounds of the posh little local private school that churned out ‘Greats’ like…ME. 🙂 I mean, I didn’t waste my parents money at all. 🙂 )

Anyway, got home, got changed. Chose a dark pink, celeb boutique boobie dress and simply because for 2 weeks straight now, I’d committed myself to ‘Casual Friday’ in order to stop myself from going to ‘Biggies.’ This time, I KNEW i’d end up in there, so it was heels, boobs out, pink dress alert! I’d only been home a minute and ‘been out since 2pm’ Ben has already started texted and Fb’king me telling me to ‘HURRY UP WUNNA.’

In the meantime, Rich and Katty (who were also meeting us out) were on route after tea…and told me to not ‘Hurry up Wunna’ because it would be hilarious, as Ben was hanging out with ‘Drunk Charlie’ and he didn’t like it. (‘Drunk Charlie, says he has a Thai wife and he had to leave her because she ate his dog.’) Plus, at the same time as being happy that Katty was FINALLY coming out, I was sad that I couldn’t do my supercolour shoe date with Rich, because I had decided to dress slutty. *Waaaa.*

Anyway, got into the taxi, cabbie talks to my boobs the whole way, step out in my dress, at the ‘Tap & Barrel’ which is now the poshest bar in Pontefract (Lol,) I mean we all moan that it costs us so much, yet we all ALWAYS GO THERE and literally EVERY WEEK.

First thing I do, after getting greeted by a chick who’s smoking outside the doorway, was try to find Ben. I knew where he’d be anyway, but I still did the ‘room scan.’ (I found a table of cute gay guys, who immediately knew I was somehow ‘off the tell’ but thought it was either ‘Paris Hiltons BBF’ OR ‘Ladette to Lady!’ I’M NOT A LADETTE! I DEPSISE LADETTES! But i love fans, so they became my instant faves. *Wiggle, wink.*

Went straight out to smokers (I can never open the door to the smokers ‘garden’ as I call it) and peeped my head around the corner..and there he was…ALL ON HIS OWN Lol…sat drinking some silly strong drink, smiling because he said I looked ‘nice’ and then telling me off for not doing things in the correct order then HE would’ve liked me to do them in.

Ben: ‘Why have you found me first, instead of getting a drink first?’

Me; ‘Erm..quit being controlling. I found you first because that’s what i wanted to do, THEN i’ll get a drink. Jeeze!’ Lol

Got inside, did ‘Hi’s as randoms who I adored, sat in the cosy corner and we were immediately joined by the folk that he had been out with earlier. Anna, Vicki and some boys. One who does witches potions in their free time, yet forgets that that has happened and the other who was the brother my one of my exes best friends?

Now…drinking happened. Lots of drinking.

The drinking moved outside…and all sorts was spoken about, like nipple dipping lattes, the sets you were put in in school, (I won’t tell you what they were being referred to as,) new dresses, shitty exercise, new dogs, the fact that i would lend my weave and slanty eyes out and then Vicki (who dates my old friend ‘Spinky’ shimmied.

I actually got on with Vicki really well as we have the same stupid sense of fun and humour. Yet I didn’t know that the ‘shimmie’ meant that she was going to start a ‘Tequila Train,’ without anyone’s consent.

The next thing you know as we’re all sat outside around the table, in the ‘it’s still light even though it’s 7pm’ Ben walks in  after going to the bar and behind him comes the most GLEEFUL, tip toe stepping, shimmie, ‘ha ha’ strut…via Vicki, who has a giant silver tray in her hand that is filled with shots of silver (white) tequila and lime. (Apparently they didn’t have salt.) It was the most excitable jiggy with a Tequila tray ever! HAHAHA. It was the best walk I have seen in a long time. I want her to carry my coffin through the streets with that walk… when i’m dead…naked…with Tequila.


We did these shots, which started the Tequila train and once we were all pissed in walk Rich and Katty! Perfect timing. They joined in the fun. More drinking occurred…even though Katty was hanging because he drank five bottles of wine the night before.

Now, I don’t know how we ended up inside on a big old comfy table…but we did. Can’t remember what we were talking about because Tequila had fucked me up. Rich was singing ‘Foxy Baby’ at me (which is a song I recorded with a friend as a child Lol,) I had stated that I wanted Rich and Katty to get married simply so that EVERY TABLE at the wedding would be the ‘Retard Table.’ (At Wazza and Hannah’s wedding Katty and I were sat at the ‘retard table’ the table that can’t be around normal nice people, due to inappropriate language and behaviour.


I have no clue what had happened and now loads of people were at our table, including a guy named Callum. We had all got talking about how posh the Tap and Barrel had become and how we couldn’t believe that the old Greyhound did a cheeseboard.

I have no idea WHY we had gotten so excited about the thought of a cheeseboard, so excited that it turned into a joke??? Ben and Vicki were missing…and I found out later that the number of people had accumulated so they wanted to do a secret shot at the bar, so that they didn’t have to pay the whole round. HAHAHAHA. ‘Ponty Massive!

I was pissed and when i’m pissed or sober for that fact, I get really generous. Katty and I went up to the bar and I did my round with was a double vodka and coke, 9 Tequila shots and after a *pause* a look at each other with excitement, the request of a ‘cheeseboard.’ HAHA. I don’t know why we found it so funny.

But we went back and didn’t tell anyone, because we found it funny, the round cost me £40 and well the sheer panick on the staff faces said it all. We were having the first EVER CHEESEBOARD they had ever made. I didn’t know what to expect so I didn’t want anyone to be too excited. I mean, at the end of the day it’s still Ponty, it might have been a Dairylea triangle, a couple of cheese string and a note that read ‘fuck you.’


(Remember we’re pissed.)

THE SINGLE MOST AWESOME CHEESEBOARD IN THE WORLD EVER ROLLS OUT, ON A SPINNING FRICKING SLATE PLATE AND EVERYTHING, with apples, and celery and disc shaped crackers, that are surrounded by the yummiest, homemade chutneys. (No really…it is the most impressive cheeseboard ever and because in Ponty you don’t expect it to be so well made in a pub.)

We were all super excited about the thought of cheese, so during that moment, no one seemed to speak of anything but cheese and everyone just chowed down. (In Ponty…we eat.) It got so sexual that Rich and Ben decided to’ Lady & The Tramp’ a posh cheese rind, out of the single love of cheese. The Ben, being the apparent ‘dream boat’ that he is got obsessed with a tub of…butter. Don’t ask. He smeared it on apples thinking it was something luxurious and chutnified. Fucking butter. (That is who everyone is selling me to date. The butter guy.)

Infact, Katty said and interesting thing and that was the fact that if i have the opportunity to date the really ace, successful guy, i’ll always just go for the hot waiter…and well…she doesn’t like that. LOL. Neither do i? But whatever, i’m always a Bride and never a Bridesmaid. I’ll get it right the next time. I mean, I never know what i’m looking for, as I truly believe it’ll just find me. (My psychic had told me weeks back, that i’d meet in my soulmate, my next big relationship NOW, as in the end of April and he’d had ‘David’ in his name and be part Italian?????? I remember looking at her blankly with a ‘I don’t know anyone like that in my circle of friends?’ Then she moved on to business.

We did Cheese. The manager at the pub loved us getting the cheeseboard so much that he told us to picture it and Facebook it. I filmed it. Then Rich tool the piss and said that he thought it would have Dairylea on it…so the manager threw him a Dairylea triangle…which he dipped in shit and ate merrily.

More drinking.

More shots.

I was a hero now.

We somehow ended up outside again…and we’re all laughing out loud, chatting, chick friends are trying to make Ben snog them. H’s running around the ‘smokers’…Vicki and I are calling each other a ‘bitch please’ then laughing…other stuff is happening and we end up all going to Alley ca zam’s for White Russian and Black Russian cocktails.

They were awesome. But i was really drunky.

Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, old Friend ‘Spinky’ (who dates Vicki) popped out of nowhere and did drinking with us! Yay!


Then somehow we all zoomed to The Blacky Moor, which is now ‘The Ponty Tavern.’

More drinking, the shots were nastier there. Ewww! And then all of a sudden we’re outside again, all chatting nonsense, enjoying life under the stars, bringing up the past and people who others can’t stand and we got onto the subject of dating.

Now, I’ve been hanging out with Ben  lot…but only within out group of friends. But I knew that he fancied me a little bit, because the first time we hung out, he did the ‘try to kiss me thing’ before I went to London. Remember! Nothing had happened since, just hanging out as a group, but i did notice that on this Friday night everyone kept trying to ‘sell’ Ben to me and tell me how much of a great guy he was.

‘Spinky’ who’s known me forever, got all defensive and didn’t want me to date ‘just anyone’ began his doorman stance and his ‘are you good enough’ glares. (That’s why i always like chilling with boys, you always feel looked after. Lol) Vicki was selling Ben to me like he was the best thing this world ever created…Ben…was quiet, drunk and smiley.

So, I did what I’d normally do and just ask him if he fancied me.

He sort of got embarrassed, panicked on the spot and ran off somewhere.

When he returned, and agreed to ‘fancying’ me (I enjoy how ‘High School Musical’ this was…but on a budget. Well ‘playground’ as he described it. Yet that’s what happens when you enter Wunna land…then i saw ‘Spinky’ in his ear, who was apparently telling him to ‘step up his game’ and make a move. Ben’s shy…he never makes moves on Me. All I actually heard was ‘Spinky’ in his ear shouting ‘it’s a WIN, WIN, WIN!!’ Hahaha. Vicki was telling me how much a twat some other guy was and how I should always pick Ben?

Long story short…

We ended up outside ‘The Ponty Tavern’ doing that infamous ‘Are we going to Biggies’ conversation. ‘Spinky’ was having none of it as he was a grown up now and ‘Biggies’ is shit. He said he’d come next time we do a cheeseboard and be adults. Lol. Vicki was on the tequila train so she would’ve ended up in ‘Biggies’…but did the right thing and followed her other half home, to merrily beat each other at computer games.

I disagreed to a night of computer games, so Ben and I did ‘Big Fellas.’ OFcourse! AND WE MET MATTY in there…who had come home from Leeds because it was shit.

Dancing, drinking, Ben obsessing over his ex girlfriend because she was in the club. Well he stated that he wasn’t obsessing more feeling uncomfy.

More dancing, more drinking and then the LIGHTS CAME UP and we left the club.

Nothing happened.

Not a single thing.

A random guy bummed a cig off Ben and afterwards politely said, ‘HOPE YO TWO SHAG THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER TONIGHT.’

What did we do…

We got cheesy chips outside the taxi rank, I went home and he walked to his. Lol.

The next morning, he actually sent me a text, whilst i was vomming up everywhere…(I’m never drinking again) saying

‘Wunna. Did we have a little kiss last night?’

I replied with a ‘Noooo, we really didn’t.’

His response..

‘Oh…I thought we did. HAHAHA.’

So he honestly drunkenly dreamt it. HAHAHAHAHAHA

We didn’t even kiss!!!!!!!

Anyway…he’s sort of stepped him game up, by suggesting a ‘proper date,’ one where in which we’re normal. not ridiculously drunk and just us?

I agreed.

Roll on Tuesday.

I worked all day today..yes on a SUNDAY. So i’m pooped. I’m not off now until Friday…so wish me luck.

Lord knows how i’ll get through it, but i will and with a smile. 🙂






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