The Great thing about me is that i’m a proper idiot. Like a ‘walk into trees’ spastic. The things i cling onto, in order to keep me normal are usually quite ‘insane’ and the insanity of it all, is the blessed fact that i think i’m pretty normal. (That was a nice, juicy ‘Hmm..’ of nonsense.)
It’s 6.30pm and i’m organizing. I hate organizing because ‘chaos’ is really my thing. I’ve mopped the Kitchen floor..(I know..Cinderella) and i’ve cleared glasses away…(which means i pushed a few things to the side, then sprayed bleach around them.) Cleanings meant to help you think. Yet, it really only makes you dirty. Like why do you always feel like you need a good wash after you’ve cleaned things?? It makes no sense. A friend of mine, whos a talent agent in LA reminded me of a morning i took on the duty of cleaning his table after an evening dinner party. I didn’t realize he had rented all the glassware, so not being able to face the job, i put on my hot pink sunglasses and just swooped the contents of the ‘partied out’ table into the trash. (It’s the one armed swoop. That’s also how i get rid of my boyfriends.) I threw everything on the table into the bin..happily wheeled it out, and sent it away with the trash fairies…aka HELL. I didn’t think i had done anything wrong either. Then i got showered. Like i said, cleaning always makes you need to have a wash.
Anyway, i seemed to have gotten side tracked. Okay, tomorrow i have a big day of shooting. Not sure what i’m doing, (my agent set it up.) All i know is i turn up at 10am, an assistant will be there to aid me and i will shoot for the rest of the day until enough snippy snaps have been taken. I’ve had to fake tan like a crazy lady today, due to the cold England ‘no sunshine’ climate. I’ve built my name on being some Glamour Puss, sex kitten… i can’t do it pastey, so i have to hit the orange bottle. Unfortunately, i forgot to let it dry and decided to wash my hair over the bath tub, because of my 1% retarded ways. Water slide all around my face. (There was shrieking and swearing during this time.)
I nervously look upward into a nearby mirror and i am now Tiger striped. MY FACE is FUCKING TIGER STRIPED!! I have my ‘press shot’ shoots tomorrow and i will look like a M*Fucking TIGER…GODDAMIT!! I could slap myself. Anyway, lots of scrubbing is needing to take place in order for this face to work tomorrow. Therefore i must love you and leave you. Jesus Christ! (She walks into a tree and can no longer wink)