Everythings Going my Waaay…

Gorgeously delicious morning. I actually woke up, with a sun beam oozing in through my slighty open window and onto my white cuddly sheets! I quickly thought of rummaging for a my leopard print bikini and topping up my tan, whilst playing the ‘Lombarda.’ However, we all know i tan from a dear old bottle from Boots (helllo orange…) and well no non decent human being does the ‘Lombarda’ at 8.49am. Decent people might crack it on, during a sexy moment of *no-one can see me.* Right? You’ve all done it! You all dance infront of your mirrors to your secret favourite pop classics! However, ‘Attention whores,’ wait until there’s at least an audience of 4, before any hip shaking, money making, pokery of jiggy is performed! I wouldn’t waste my hips on a mirror image! Give me PEOPLE!!

I have a cuppa tea and hair that would suggest that i’m the Kitty Queen of Ooh laa. I woke up early simply to groom and selected my three outfits for the day. I do outfit chages yes! I always have a morning outfit, (comfy, girly, casual.) A mid-day outfit (Something a little tighter, sexier, with a diamond sprinkled body.) Then an evening outfit…which is one that would suggest i’m a hoochie. My daily dress code kind of mirrors a beauty pagent…yet withouth the ‘Talent’ section, where minors do seductive faces, dressed as Little Bo peep and pout at grown adults, who give them medals for being baby sized future…whats the word…oh yeah sluts! (Takes one to know one! I’m only jealous because i am yet to own a Little Bo Peep outfit. Whenever, i almost own one forever, wine gets split down it and i end up passed out on a bench in Beverly Hills with nothing but my knickers on. (Yay to Hollyowood!) I mean, you know you have problems when you actually lose an entire Little Bo Peep outfit that you ‘oh so cleverly’ adorned that night of ‘party party.‘ 

Hah. I actually (now i’ve ventured back)  remember still having that long hooky stick thing though and i also distinctly remember using it to my advantage. When you’re a Glamour Puss, you use whatever you CAN to score a hottie. We live by the ‘we weren’t given these feminine powers for nothing’ rules. [I’ll let you put in a ‘Mmmmkay’ there. Aaah go on!] I rose from my drunk state, after spying a hottie that could quite possibly be my ‘Forever.’ It was 1.23 am, dark, quiet and i was half naked in heels, in white frilly topped stockings. I remember it being a boiling hot evening and I was upset that i had lost my fan! (As in feathery cool down system, and not a person who worships me…i never lose them, i stalk them!)  I had a gay with me…who was refusing to aid me in my recovery, due to his cocaine addiction. (Annoying much! Like that couldn’t have waited!) So I saw the hottie about to LEAVE my vicinty of ‘ooh,’ and in a moment of desperation, I GRABBED my sheep crook and HOOKED him in!! I DRAGGED that hot bitch toward me and fast..with greedy eyes of ‘come to mama.’ Oh my God, here was NO stopping me! I was on it, like the Olympics!

Anyway, you’d think he’d back away from the force of a full boobied, drunk, slanted eyed beauty in Little Bo Peep stockings, with a crook. (Wink, wink, smile….Oh how i adore boys for their moments of stupidity! Infact, i love how i’m explaining all this like i was completely sane at that point!! Haha…i was stranded on bench half drunk, and half Bo Peep..if she was a prostitute!) However, the BOY saw me, talked to me, gave me his jacket, drove me home, stayed over at my house the night, after more wine, and spooned me all night. He didn’t even try to have sex with me…due to that pathethetic ‘You were too drunk’ excuse. Followed up with a ‘I’d rather get to know you better first!’ UGH!!! I’M IN BO PEEP STOCKINGS! The entire point is that I bamboozle you with sexy time, so you can no longer think rationally, and therefore  accidentally look over my tragic personality. (Infact i remember being so big headed at that timei n my life…who me? Hahaha. That i was under the misconception that if a guy did not fancy me or want to sleep with me, he was obviously GAY! I mean, i even had gay friends that would make out with me when pissed on mango margaritas on rooftops, before attempting to commit suicide, due to not being able to handle life with the good looks that God blessed them with! No joke!! Anyway, Hooked in guy, didn’t sleep with me and tried to schedule a date with me for the follwoing evening. To this day we actually laugh at the fact that i actually said, in a moment of anger:  ‘Talk!?! I’m in fricking Bo Peep stockings!‘ What a life!!! (Then my gay friend showed up from nowhre barefooted after trying to find Disney land in Beverly Hills. Unfortunately he ended up at some chinese lady’s house who made and sold flip flops!)

Anyway, today is going to be great! I know this becuse i woke up delciously happy. Infact yesterday was GREAT and i woke up with  the lid of a Malibu bottle on my naked nipple! I do actually have great days anyhow, it seems. I make the most of them and when it all goes wrong, i have the ability to sit back and laugh! I forgot that i got rushed aorund Leeds yesterday in heels because Loverboy was trying to make me eat fast and walk fast, so he could get to work fast! We went to O’Neils, an irish bar, that was day-time dark to have quickie steaks and burgers, with beer. We were sat next to a couple of oldies who we were sure where having an affair with each other. Then we left to face the blistering sun, and the same Wunna Fan who i met last week outside Tescos in Doncaster, found me AGAIN on Park Row in Leeds! I love that man…i want to bottle him up and take him everywhere with me.

I think i’m going to be starting my healthy-ish diet today. I’ve been told to get it a going immediately, yet i’m not one who’s actually very good at dieting. I can’t bare to starve myself and i hate it when people say ‘i’m not dieting, i’m merely making a lifestyle change,’ in order to make themselves feel better about not having a pudding. I’m sure diets are just for people who are bored or want attention. If you wanna eat… eat. If you don’t…don’t. If you want to diet do it. You’re cool. It’s all good. People who judge others on weight are filed under *eww.* Fabulous or Flabulous, your entry to Wunnaland is gratefully accepted. (Yet try not to touch me. I might get a rash 🙂 ) But yeah, my diet is being monitored by people in high places.

I’ve got a great amount of work on right now. I’ve really turned it around and i’m really excited about all the girly goodies i have a coming your way!! Be warned! *Giggles, wiggles, winks*

I’m about to get ready for a lunch that i have, therefore dollification…is about to occur. I feel fun, frisky, flirty and full of love. I hope you enjoy the sunshine. (Note: My period is a day late.)

Ps, I love that i got called a ‘Kitty fantastico’ on Twitter yesterday! Thankyou @deevajones

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