Remind me not to drink port. It’s now approx 30 minutes until the big 2-9 and after 7 glasses of port i’m now an emotional wreck. Lol. Here we go…(I’m trying to write this whilst i have people who obviously can’t see i’m busy, whittering on at me.)
I had a moment where i was sat dancing around to Christmas kareoke tracks, having the most magical time ever….then i suddenly was over come with a ‘moment’…one of those moments where everything around you stops for one blindingly hazy second & you as you look around your surrounding is silent and moving in slow motion. I’m not sure what happened, but i saw a room filled with the happiest of souls and happy because i had made them happy. It made me fill up. (Again this is why we must refrain from drinking port.)
I sort of giggled and bimbo’ed my way out of the room and when i was no longer in sight, i ran as fast as i could to the bathroom, locked myself in it, sat on the toilet (not doing a wee…just being a drama queen in distress and perching) and burst into tears. I have no idea why? Like i don’t even know if they were happy tears, sad tears or tears of relief.
I then had memories. Those good old ones that you have tried to block out that come at get you when you’re alone and liquored up. Flashback after flashback, i was taken back to GREAT times and not so great times. I actually to this day cannot believe how much i’ve been through emotionally, in love, in life….in everything. I’ve been torn to pieces and went through a path of that ever so jolly self destruction. I found who i really was, through completely losing myself and i noticed that i wasn’t so bad. How am i still here smiling? Am i hurting, or am i happy? Am i writing my blog, after surviving a viscious storm of emotional history, or am i writing my blog to cheer people up?
All i can say is, i’m NOW the girl that has everything…but i started out just being a girl from Yorkshire…who moved to Hollywood to live her dream. A lot of bad things happened there. Emotionally. But i always dusted myself off and got on with it. I’ve done really fucking well and i’m not sure if i deserve it or how i’ve survived it. But i’m still here telling my story…yet now from a far grander position and the comfort of knowing i’ve lived, i’ve made a mark, i’m on my way up and i’m finally now happy. Dreams really do come true. Never give up… *am i really gonna do this cry myself to sleep thing* (Kin’ell hahaha… I’m pathetic.)
Anyway, In ten minutes, i believe i’m 29. Holy shit!