Oh my gosh, i’m a glamour puss, with the snottiest nose and a horrendous case of the snuffles, after insisting on wearing a tiny sequined black playsuit in the cold London air, whilst i was coughed on repeatedly by a granny on a giant red bus on Hampstead road, as fireworks sprayed themselves above us!! Quite magical actually! Everyone was in their winter woollies. I looked like a Queen of sequined Greatness, a floozey, or part of the cast of Chicago. (lol.) I stood there bronzing in heels, and well everyone else stood there glaring at me bronze in heels, pulling their innocent children away from me, or being a granny and coughing all over me. I felt like i was on show, so i did what any decent pussy would do and WORKED it!
I finally got into Central, it was a night dedicated to partying with the gays and i verntured into soho, and celebrated life with Gay Adam and his friend Nat! Great company. Wiggled around ‘Ku Bar,’ flirted with a bottle of wine, and my new gay bartender boyfriend, who hasn’t had a girlfriend in 10 years! I just kinda shouted across the too high bar, wine in hand, eyelashes a fluttering, and yelled ,’You’re my new gay bartender boyfriend!!’ Luckily he agreed immediately, told me about his brief relationship history ( i wasn’t listenning, i was imagining him shirtless) and then i thought i better tell him my name…(lol.) I said, ‘I’m Chrissie!’ He quite cleverly repiled, ‘I know.’ (Then sauntered off for 3 minutes came back and said ‘We’re you on tv?’
By then my sequined playsuit had got the better of me, as did the London ‘party party’ so i quickly gave him my Facebook, and gave him my number, to make him feel a bit straight. (He looked at it nervously and simply replied, ‘I’ll Facebook you.’ Haha…) Then, i hair tossed, adjusted my boobs and galloped off to ‘Pre-Bar’ with my Gay Adam and Nat.
Danced the night away, grinding on folk that didn’t really need to be grinded on. Loved every minute of the attention. Loved my sequins, my life, my VK’s and well the world at that point. I remember spinning around the dance floor, whilst everyone watched with my friends of all walks of life. (I’m not sure how i know so many people…but i do, i’m hardly ever alone.) But then there was this one little drunk treat of ‘Freak’ who was the person every gay wanted to dodge that evening. There’s always that one, really drunk one, that has a belly top on, and is wiggling all over the place, then all over you. I felt bad because everyone was avoiding him, therefore i figured, since i had the dance floor in the palm of my hand…(I didn’t really feel bad, i just wanted more attention, and decided to show off..haha.) Well i decided, i would backward shoulder roll into him. I thought i was al big and clever, all ‘off the telly’ and amazing. All too hot to trot, to cool for school. I think i might have even quite cockily, looked at my friends and with a wink stated, ‘Watch this!’
OMG!! NEVER AGAIN! I was visciously abused by the art of ‘aggressive dance’ by the belly topped club ‘freak.’ You do not even know. He grabbed my hips. (Now i’m not so cocky and more terrified.) Wiggled them frantically, and i mean frantically, infact i mean forcefully off beat to every tune. (By now i’m screaming.) Then gets carried away, and likei’m a ragged doll puppet, with boobies, places me infront of him, grabs my hair and joyously plunges my head to the floor, and wangs it in a circluar motion, over and over again…and this is all now against my will…and to Lady gaga. (I did not want to ride his Disco fucking stick. No-one did! It’s insane.) Not even kidding…hahaha..i couldn’t even see. I kept coming up for air, but he had me in his clutches and well, my top half was being circularly moved round and round ferociously… head to the floor, head to the ceiling, head to the god knows where?? Everyone is now pissing themselves at my sheer discomfort, or just in complete shock. My face was priceless…i was terrified. I looked like a blow-up doll, all googly eyed, and open mouthed. THEN, as i’m foolishly thinking it’s all over. I breathe, try and run away, then within 2 seconds flat, he regrabs me, lifts me into the air and whilst i’m in a gay mans fireman lift…he forcefully spins me round and round and round. Like i actually accidentally KICKED people. Hahaha…it was awful. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. As i span around all i could see were these gay open mouthed shocked faces. I don’t know what happened, but i think Kylie got the better of him and he let me go. Or did someone block him off me?? It was hilarious! You had to be there.
Loved the rest of the night. Met loads of amazing people, drank and partied the night away. I love dressing up, y;know getting my glam on and i think because i got so dolled up…i had a much better time. I felt like i could conquer the world. Then after gossiping with little Mark Byron, for a wee while who was fed up of beings hwo wanted to go to a foam party for £1. gay Adam, Nat and I ventured off to ‘Balans’ for the burger, where the waiter talked about big black cock and how he can handle it. (‘Yeah we kinda would just like the burger….no onions.’) I called ‘Lashes’…he picked up. (Well done me.) He was drunk and partying, at ‘Carbon.’
Walked in the freezing cold through soho at about 2am, to Trafalgar square, where i got on the night bus home after a WONDERFUL evening. Infact i was meant to meet amuel at ‘Lo Profile’ (who was out with his gays,) but i was so drunk, i remember reading his text whilst i was sat naked on the club toilet…you have to if you wear a playsuit..i wasn’t just being a slag, and forgot all about it.
Got home. ‘Lashes’ called me all through the night. He was all cute and wasted, firstly by Marble Arch, then Leicester square, and trying to hold his trousers up, and trying to make me come get him, so he could stay at mine. He had no idea why they kept wanting to fall down? I have an idea and a half!! When he’s drunk he always talks to me in this baby voice. (I love it. He goes into ‘little boy’ mode.) By this time i was back in Camden, gossiping about my evening with phone friends, kicking off my heels and slipping into bed. It was about 4am..and my phone rang all through the early morning.
I got no sleep. I now have the flu and well at 6am, an army of men came to our appartment building and decided to chop a giant tree down, with chain-fucking-saws. AT 6AM on a sunday fucking morning!! Chainsaws!!!! I had to try and sleep through the lulling noise of angry dangerous machinery…a fucking chainsaw and for literally hours!! I even heard one guy shout, ‘I don’t even know how to use one of these things??’ Erm..well how about PUTTING IT THE FUCK DOWN!! They were right outside my window to..so i angrily through my sheets off me, stomped to my window, placed on my sunglasses, and only in my bra, with my window now open, I politely screamed, ‘