Don’t worry. I don’t feel sorry for him anymore. I’m just gonna go with the ‘if two hearts are meant to be together, then they will find their way back,’ cliche…and if they’re not…they won’t. I’m getting on with life with a *wiggle-giggle-wink.* I’ve done this a lot, from both jolly angles and I’m schooled in the art of boys and separation. There’s nothing I can really do but adore my kids. I feel like he’s trying to make this ‘all about him’ and well in his ‘all about him’ moment maybe not thinking too wisely about the family as a whole. When he talks everything is ‘I tried…I this..I that…I…everything.’ Nothing is ‘WE…WE…US…US.’A good chick friend of mine simply looked a me and said, ‘Is he really going this far for attention,’ as she rolled her wise eyes and pouted. Right now, feel confident in myself. There’s a definite stride in my Glamour Pussy strut. I’m not 16 and thumbing through life with a puzzled face. I’m all woman, a mother, a northern soul and a Hollywood diva. and *cough.* I’m strong willed. Not a lady of weakness. But most importantly loving, humourous and as happy-go-lucky as one can be. *Ooh…my phones ringing.*
Last night when he popped around at 9.45pm-ish to collect his mail and to give me a couple of ‘first year of marriage’ anniversary cards to look at, I realized that instead of him actually just getting on with love, he was just wasting his time playing the game of love. The ‘game’ of love should never been foxtrotted with when you have children. The thing I used to love about our relationship in the beginning (other than the romance) was the simple fact that we always ‘got on with it’ and never played the game. I told him that I didn’t yet trust him and that I wasn’t sure as to whether I could ever. He asked why because he was astonished where I may have got that conundrum from? And I simply looked at him and said, ‘You broke my children’s stability.’ With good mums..be you a glamour puss, a librarian, a stay at home mother, or a career woman…you mess with US and we forgive you. YOU mess without children…and you then have to work your way back into our hearts. It’s all about protecting the nest for me now. I’m handling it fine and loving it. Yet it’s moments like this morning when Ruby decided to poo all over the carpet …twice and for fun because she felt Baby Junior was getting all the attention. It’s moments like that when you resent the man for not being there and helping you out. Then you laugh it off with an ‘ah well’ and a *wink* simply because anytime you are on your hands and knees scrubbing up the poo of another, in a basketball shirt and fake eyelashes…before 7am, you know life is worth it. 🙂 I’m not really angry at him nor am I bothered by him. He’s seemingly nice right now and apparently eager to rebuild and be happy with me…as he states that the good times he’s had with me have been so amazing that he wishes for them to be back. I’m giving him the space that he wanted and I think that he’s annoyed by the fact that i’m so freely giving it to him, without a fight. I’m simply not involving myself in the wishy-washy back and forth of all that. I’m worth more. He wants space. He can have it. Yet i’m not on hold whilst he does his thing and ‘cake eats.’ He wants to keep all angles of his life as amicable as possible but because in the end he hopes it works in his favour. For I now he could be secretly dating someone, or slowly trying to get rid of me amicably so he can have ultimate access to Baby Junior. Until I can trust him. There’s no green light. He asks what he can do to make me trust him…well a man should know what needs to be done in order to regain the trust of a lady.
I’m fine, i’m happy, I’m in heels and being MUM. And i’m being Mum as he’s playing golf, hanging out, or chilling in a steam room at the gym, or doing a hundred other more important things because he’s apparently so stressed and can’t cope. Lovely! Tea for everyone then! 🙂 What is MY life! Now to make it worse my inbox and phone logs have filled with up exes and old flames sending me ‘pretend’ condolences and offering me a shoulder to cry on. Lol. It’s a moment they’ve all been waiting for, like I’m ‘Bully’s Special Prize,’ for something. But lets get it straight. I’m not a chica who will go back to any of my exes because it’s just done. I don’t keep it sweet because there’s no point. There’s just no communication at all. There’s two that I would probably ponder if I ever had to. Yet as of right now, i don’t have to, so I won’t bother. (I’m trying to cook a spag bol whilst blogging and now my ‘clip-in’s smell like meatballs. 🙂 )
Anyway, back to the story…I skimmed through the cards, ‘awwed’ at them a little, then handed them him back. Why would I want to sit around glaring at ‘Congratulations, you’ve been married for a year’ cards, when he’s moved out and broken down our union?
Then he told me that I had put a ‘barrier up’ and that I was wrong for doing so because I needed to think positively about our marriage, so that we could work on it. I’m slightly confused as to why he believes there wouldn’t be a BARRIER. Of course there’s a BARRIER. You can’t just leave, then come back then next day with a ‘I still want us to be happily married, but live in different homes’ which to any woman means a whole different thing. So yeah, there’s a barrier. A big one. To me, there are people in the world or even right on your doorstep who have bigger problems than Keiran and his ‘cope’ level or even I. My friend’s husband DIED in the early hours of this morning and that for me put everything into perspective. Silly, selfish, little love games mean nothing in comparison to that.
Issue closed. No more talking about it because all i’m doing is saying the same thing again and again. he clearly doesn’t want to be with me, no matter what his mouth decides to say.
ON A BETTER NOTE! I’ve FINALLY had good news! Y’know, i’ve been waiting for good news for ages and well today has proved that being a good person, and having integrity DOES actually stand for something. I can’t tell you anything about the good news just as yet, as i’m waiting until Friday. But yes, i needed something chipper to occur, because my email inbox was sending me doo-lally with ‘bad news’ here and spam a lot there.
I have lots going on right now and trying to slim down for this ‘maybe’ calendar i’m doing. I have a meeting in Manchester on Monday for it, to see how it’s all going to fair out. I fancy a Wunna calender and simply because i’m good at the old posies and pout. I’m sexy. I feel sexy…so if it’ son offer…why not! Yay!
However, this’ launching a dating site’ malarky is NOT EASY. I am so shit at all the techy stuff that i’m completely boggled out with ‘what-what-eh?’ I just can’t get my head around it all and even though I want to launch it as soon as I can, my brain won’t let me. Wazza is luckily going to take a look at it for me. You all need a Wazza. My mind just won’t sponge it in. But as soon as it’s ready, you’ll know about it and there you have it…i’ll be finding love for EVERYONE! HURRAH! (God, I am so knackered from the my morning of early poo scrubbing and newborns.)
I’ve just had a friend come around for a chat. I love this new friend because technical we shouldn’t have become friends, yet we have via circumstance. I love that she has seen me as comfort and the place to go to be able to talk. A person of reason and love. I haven’t heard, I’m much of that of late, so to know that a lady of many wiser years and of her actual stature felt she needed to pop in to talk and because I was the only person she could even think to be able to open up to and understand her…meant the world to me. I felt special. It was lovely. She told me that one of the wonderful things about me was that I was irrepressible and that even though I had been emotionally stunned and was going through a lot, I still managed to laugh it off, leave it to fate and with an open heart, listen and take on someone else’s problems and do it with a dolly face and giggle.
I’m feeling really good today and that bit of love from a friend spurred on that jolt of good news! FINALLY! I know that in the end… i’ll get everything right and all will turn into a glittery swirl of Wunna magic. I thank you ALL for your support and total wink boost ups. This blog has been my feather landing, during such a joyous (#not ) time. 🙂 Therapy for all! Fanfare for losers please! I’ sat under my chandelier, in the middle of Yorkshire, with too much lippy on hoping for greater times.
I WILL however tell you that YORKSHIRE (Go Team North) has just won Europe’s Leading Destination Award. It’s beaten Berlin, Madrid and all kinds of other ‘maybe much better’ places at The World Travel Awards this year. It’s the first location, other than a major city or country to have won the Leading Destination Award in the 17 years that The World Travel Awards have been going! I mean, who’da thought! We beat Paris, London and well…everywhere! We won! Terriers and Puddings for the lot of you.
I’ve weirdly gone all tired now so therefore pondering a nap. (Yes, i’m that tired and have a nursery run rather shortly.)