Baby Make Ya Booty Go…. :)

So, i’m remembering a conga line occuring around my surrounding area, at 2am, by a bunch of strangers who Wazza and I had managed to accumulate, in a really loud, really busy, really high quality Pontefract bar, called ‘Antix.’ It’s the kind of place that you end up, if you’re already on a night out and you’re so pissed, that you probably can’t see. ‘Antix’ is a ‘moment.‘ A ‘moment‘ where one drunk ‘being’ will stumble out of a decent Pontefract venue (and there’s not too many of them…yet that’s why it’s funny,) maybe look up, be sick, then say ‘Let’s go to Antix.’ I actually loved it. (Heelllooo, conga line!!) It was packed for 3am, and full of misfits, people’s grandmas, horny chavs and people off the telly. If you’re in there…you’re doomed. I ordered a vodka orange and before it even touched my lips, i sat down, to being to ‘sexy nuisance’ with a gay, a really tiny sized girl and guy…and i got room spin! Ugh…it was an awful feeling, to the  point where, two of the people, had to jump up and conga line in and out of the bar. Wazza, ended up fancying the really tiny girl, (who was quite sweet..and well we later found out that she was tiny, not because of a height disfuction…but because she was nearly a teenager. Lol.)

I have no recollection of what was going on, i just remember disco lights, red, madness and noise. Then we all got up and strutted to the dance floor. Wazza was in a red t-shirt he actually made himself (out of macaroni) and i had… tits. I found some shit, ‘fall of it, if you stand on it’ ledge..which is their ‘attention whore’ podium. I stood on it, I danced, i shouted very loudly and then for some odd reason, just Wazza and I are on the ‘ledge’ (everyone else is bobbing up and down below us) and we seemed to be swaying and singing (like our life depended on it) to Whitney Houston??? We sang, ‘The Greatest Love’ I didn’t even know i knew the words to that?? Then i did the robot, and we left. When we were outside, the strangers we were with wanted to get a £10 taxi to the next town, just to go to Asda, to get MORE booze. Then return and drink it on the streets? I Glamour pussed out at this point. I might be a pissed and i might love strangers…(well handsome ones with willies) but you can ‘fuck off’ even trying to get me to sit on a pavement at 4am drinking cider, with this height of hair. Plus, cider was how my evening began. I’d done it already. They were hours behind. I grabbed Wazza, who was (not surprisingly) all for the Asda trip and a venture to the, now closed, high quality strip club…‘Heaven.’ Apparently, when Wazza says he wants to go to Antix, you’re meant to say ‘No.‘ Yet, really…what was he doing asking Chrissie Wunna. We all 100% know, that my decisions are always ones that end in tears…or genital warts…or infact being arrested.

The evening actually began, as a nice family dinner. All Wunna’s, all chipper, all lovely, and all wine. I was having the most harmonious time. A really old jolly one. Then i don’t know what happened? I had a mouthful of white chocolate cheesecake. I had had a bit of a ‘bicker’ with Loverboy. My fault. Not his. Then I was on the phone to Jonny for what seemed like ages, who wanted to bone my Mum, and be on a reality show. Yet then i recieved a text from Wazza reading ‘Yeah, are you playing out?’ And with that, i was getting dropped off at his, saying ‘Hello‘ to ‘Bone’..who immediately got mad at me for not being able to roll a cigarette due to my ‘clobbery hands,’ (my body parts aren’t equipped for manuel labour..and well i just buy mine) and then a tiny Baby Cham glass was thrusted into my hands, with joy. Yet,  incase you’re silly and you’re  thinking ‘Oooh champagne,’ know that you’re at Wazza’s. He filled it with cider. I had cider in a Baby Cham glass, whilst listenning to hip hop on an idog? At 11 o clock, we hit the streets. There was an idog, a blue bottle of cider, two boys in Adidas  and a Glamour Model. (They sang songs quite merrily about ‘titties/pussies and hands on things.’) I spent the entire journey laughing and telling them to ‘shut up.’ Now don’t get me wrong. Both boys are good boys, yet for some reason they enjoy to ‘play’ bad. However, saying that…i hold the award for that little treat of action. I went to a Private Quaker school. I’m about as hardcore as…(Insert anything in here..I can’t be arsed.) Anyway, think of the boys, as more the Laurel and Hardy of Pontefract.

We finally get into town…and we go to my favourite Pontefract hang out..which we all know is The Counting House. I love it there!!! Everyone knows everyone…and well any place that gives you a free drink, and a whole crisp buffet to the ‘Thong song’ is in my mind…AMAZING. I LOVE IT. I remember Di, (who runs the whole shindig…we adore her, and wink at her) let us try every crisp flavour, due to the fact that Wazza was oddly starving, for just having his dinner. We dined on  ‘Ploughmans lunch’ flavoured crisps (gross)…Lamb and mint flavoured crisps.  Beef dinner flavoured potatoe chips. Chicken wing flavoured and the olny flavour i liked…‘sausage.’ What a surprise!!  My boobies are a hit in the Counting House..which i like. All these boys had accumulated around our buffet, to watch me try crisps. They ate ‘sausage’ with me. I winked. I giggled. Then as Katty Smith (hot barmnaid, who was once referred to as a ‘slag AND a tart’ by one of my fans) was talking to me about my disabled stalker. (Her dad went to ‘special school’ for being dyslexic.) Bone & Wazza decide to recognize that the ‘Thong song’ was playing and with a *nod,* (like they were about to commit to something wonderful… *shimmie* backwards, pull their briefs up their smelly cracks, turn around, bounce ferociously up and down like seductive Ponty slags and in their new homemade thongs. I guess they ‘Baby make ya booty go’ ed..and apparently they do it all the time. What delicious friends i have! What awful looking cracks to sight, during a crisp snack of beef.

Can’t remember the rest of the night, other than an ACE time of friendly, happy drunkardness, in an English tavern. I called ‘Loverboy’ from The Counting House, who i had kinda wrongly upset earlier. We made up…got back to giggly, giggly, lovey dovey, madly in love-ness. Bless him. He’s beautiful. Then i got dragged back in, because apparently I only had 3 more minutes to step back into the bar before something ‘really bad’ would happen. I got to the bar, drunk, and telling people i was off ‘The Bill’ and shouting ‘I’M OFF THE TELLY!!! (lovely lovely. 🙂 ) I looked infront of me…and i had a line up of 2 jager shots. (I had already done 2) and two double vodka and cokes awaiting me. We all had a line up..and i have no idea where it came from, but i certainly didn’t need it. I drank it though. We all did. I couldn’t vomitted at that point alone…But now, we bantered more…Drunk Faye came in, and then i found myself at ‘Antix.’

I woke up in Wazza’s bed the next morning, still drunk, in a full face of makeup. I could’ve puked, if i could actually move any part of my body. However, i managed to saunter downstairs, all half asleep, notice Wazza (who always sleeps downstairs if i stay over) is already stalking people on Facebook. I get a taxi home on one of the hottest days ever much, and he puts on a trilby to go and meet Bone at the ‘cuppa tea stand.‘

When i got home, i quickly wiggled, showered, did my face and changed, then met up with my baby boo ‘Loverboy’ (who is 100% the man of my dreams, I thankyou very much…) and we venture to a beer garden for a spot of lunch, beer and a whole lot of *kissy kissy.* We’re a really good couple…and like i said i’m shocked and definitely not used to being with such a good boy. He’s shocked that he’s with such a ‘Glamour puss,’…but we both looked up and claimed the dudes up above are looking after us. There you go! I’ve made him believe in God. 🙂

We had a yummy lunch, it was a beautiful day. We loved each other, talked ‘kink’…laughed at each other, i embarrassed him a little and then talked about ‘baby making.’ I’m 29. I’m ready to breed. Why not do it, with the perfect boy of ‘lover.’ On the drive home, we talked about it, with the sun shining down on us. I’ve always thought life was just for living and doing it however you so wish to and infact doing it, with a smile. ‘Loverboy’ believes that too…Yet is a very different character to me. He’s a great deal more humble, a great deal more shy…a great deal more calm and pensive. He believes that we are put on this earth to reproduce, create life, generations and keep the world a going and he can’t think of a better girl to ‘create a life’ with! (Code for: I’m hot so he wants me to have his kid.)

Now, i’ve done everything in life, that i’ve ever wanted to do..I walked many a path. A good one, bad one, a magical one, a different one. But i’ve never walked his path. A normal, traditional one…where ‘Love’ for another being is almost everything. Whilst i’ve been careering it, dancing with hotties, winking at strangers, smoozing in Hollywood, tinkering with fame, tampering with fortune, and doing the fairytale that is ‘Chrissie Wunna.’ He’s been searching for the love of his life…and i truely believe i was fated to meet him. My life has played out correctly for Me to sort of be with him. I mean, i truely never believed there was one person for everyone…until i met him. Now, when i look back on life and *flashback* on moments that have occured…it all makes sense. (And i’m not saying this from my heart of ‘hopeless romantic’ …i’m saying it because i’m actually fucking *shocked!!!* ) I can’t believe it. A month and a half ago…i would never ever of thought i would be in this position.. I’ve never been happier. This is why, you have to keep your life a rolling merrily…and expect amazing things to happy…because they do. I made this boy believe that dreams really do come true…and I Love that! I also enjoy the fact that he likes my legs at ‘Quarter to Nine.’ Hahahaha.

I went to Meadowhall with the family today and had a giant mexican. (Not the man, the food. I mean, i’ve had the man.  *Wink pout*. I invented the Mexican Blow job. Did you? No…i didn’t think so!!! ) Jokes aside… my life has finally glued together perfectly…(and i really did invent the Mexican Blowjob.) I’m no longer banging into walls or being rolled in and out of heart ache. My career is bizarrely doing deliciously and well…the only people i have to thank for that…is YOU….(and Grey Goose.)

I love you, you little Demons of Daddio. *Wiggle-wink-swagger* (I love how, if the boys do the ‘Thong dance’..it’s filed under funny. But if I did it…i’d get called a ‘slag.’ )

Text to Wunna : ‘…i just put on one of my hoodies and it smells like u! It makes me want to cuddle you 🙂 xxx’