Morning you delicious pieces of mayhem. I adore you today because I adore ME today and when you adore yourself in the most uncomfortable of situations, then life pats you on the back with sympathy and passes you a smile and a rum.
The world is being kind to me right now and rocking my sorry self to emotional safety and I think it’s because i’ve focused on what matters during these mildy dodgy times and that’s caring for my little family. My little brood. My little kiddiwinkles. My Wunna army. My devastatingly yummy additions to Wunna Land. ..and if you can’t do that…well then you can’ t do anything,. *Wiggle-Wink.* I sort of proved to myself that I can ‘do this’ (whatever ‘do this’ stands for 🙂 ) and that I am a great deal more independent than I ever thought. I mean, I always thought I was independent, yet I’ve never had to deal with it to such a level, with added responsibilities. Anyone can be independent without a bouncing 2 year old and a giggly newborn. All that suggests is doing what you want, when you want and by your own means. Yet now i’ve found that i’m a fully grown kitty cat of lioness. I could actually be Superwoman. But i know i’m not because I saw ‘Superwoman’ in an elevator at my old apartment building in LA. Well she played ‘Superwoman’ in the movie anyhow. She’s older and blond and truly believes she is that hero of ‘super’ in real life. It was an awkward moment and well moments like that are always shitter in an elevator, as lifts tend to snip you away from a natural normality and silence your basic ability to be social. I was in a metal box moving upwards with ‘Superwoman’ and I don’t think she liked me because I stated that she LOOKED like ‘Superwoman.’ I mean of course, how dare I…she is the REAL THING and didn’t at all play a fictional comic book character for a whole load of ‘very jealous of ‘ dosh. 🙂 There I was thinking that in itself would be something to be proud of. But silly me. Helllloooo Hollywood. That was actualyl one of my normal moments in LA and weirdly a nice moment. I had a lot of dodgy moments in LA and the dodgy ones were always sex based. I mean, it’s not every day in Yorkshire you get snatched and thrown into a limo, by a limo driving stranger by a KFC. THEN locked into the vehicle, as the limo driving stranger decides to drive you around offering you $100 to give him a blowjob. Eventually he gave in because I didn’t seem terrified enough. He parked up, let me out and that was it…like nothing that happened. No blowjob. No $100. But worst of all…NO KFC. Knob head, I was starving. 🙂
I’m blogging from a Starbucks again because if I do it from home I get distracted and start cleaning sides down and being unproductive. I’m at Junction 32 in Castleford and it looks like something is falling off the ceiling. But it’s fine because everyone’s pretending like it’s not happening. I’m being a sheep and going with it. I sight actually arrived today, thanks to Specsavers, so I daren’t fight life today and mainly because I can no see it. I feel like i’ve sobered up, after only being gifted with half sight. To be honest, it’s mildy uncomfortable in here today and simply because there are no real weirdos in here at all? I’m surrounded by good, normal people? Where are you all? I need a weirdo and I need material.
So, the love life. Keiran has been visiting, to see the children every night. I’ve given him that because firstly he’s entitled to see Junior. But I’m coping really well at home and at life at the moment, that i’m actually happy. When i’m happy, i’m a lot more agreeable. (Don’t worry, ‘agreeable’ doesn’t mean stupid. We’re still separated as in ‘living apart.’) Plus, as I stated before, nothing much has changed for ne, other than I don’t have to do any shitty wife duties and that Keiran now lives in other digs. I’ve actually become more independent. There’s a swag in my step because instead of throwing a pity party, i’ve just got on with it. The children have done that to me. I’ve felt a glow…a glint in my eye. But maybe because i’m not constantly surrounded by tension.
Anyway last night he came over and played with the children. He was loving towards them and amicable towards me. I watched a movie. The Pursuit of HappYness and well when the children were asleep and after he had bought me a kebab…#romantic #5* he had a look in his eyes that suggested pain.
Now obviously, i was under the impression that he didn’t enjoy living with me, being married to me and therefore sent me a text to tell me he had moved on and moved out. When someone makes a decision like that, they usually mean it, which means that they should now be happy with their life because they removed themselves from an unhappy time and made that decision themselves.
Yesterday, as he stood outside in the doorway, before I bid him farewell, he told me that the reason why he left was because all the drama that was occurring wasn’t his idea of ‘fairytale.’ It wasn’t how he idealistically saw married life and after taking it for so long, he said…in his own words, ‘I can’t do it and I won’t do it.’
I looked and simply replied with a ‘Yeah, but you’re not doing it. So you’re happy now.’
He told me that he wasn’t happy and that he wants to be with me and his family…that he lays awake at night upset… that he wants us to go back to how we used to be and how this has been so hard on him. Plus, that he wouldn’t be with another girl because he has more respect for me than that. Yet that he loved me and it would take some time to rebuild.
It’s almost as if he wants to start a fresh right from the beginning.
But now, even though I appreciate him for opening up, something that he didn’t specifically do before, i’m still hurt by him from the whole ‘move out/text’ issue that yeah.. I would have to compromise and respect him a lot more if I chose to commit to operation rebuild. HOWEVER, in MY mind HE now has extra rebuilding to do because he has caused hurt, ran out on the family, left me and planted suspicion. He opted to be a part time husband and father. He wanted that. He chose that. I’m not sure how I can trust him now? How can I? In my mind he doesn’t even care about me. He chose to leave me because he could no longer cope. I didn’t kick him out ever. So even though I might have been a diva, or might have been headstrong or disrespectful from time to time…as was he…I never abandoned him, when he fucked up and I coped and I never broken down my family. He did….meaning now there are additional consequences to his actions…which have ADDED to everything, due to the way he did it. I don’t believe that he cares, because his final action tells me so. Therefore even though he can stand there and say ‘I love you. I will always love you, i want to make this right and I will take my love for you to the grave.’ How am I supposed to believe that when he spent our entire relationship saying so and then left. I can’t trust him to be there. I can’t trust that it;s true because really words are words. His actions told me a very different story.
Since his departure and after the big shock of it all and the cry, i’ve enjoyed having space. The children are happy. I’m happy because i have them and i’m less stressed.
I’ve never rebuilt on anything before, i’ve always just left it…so i wouldn’t really know where to begin on such a matter.Therefore I couldn’t take the lead. Plus, when things seem alright and they are…I’ve shocked myself at how alright i’ve been. You don’t really think about all of the drama. I’ve been really positive about the whole thing and i feel like i’ve hit the ‘refresh’ button on my life.
In life you can’t say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to anything and make it concrete. So, as we began our relationship two years ago, i’ll just say ‘We’ll see…’ Which is what I said to him on our first date, when we were going to try and be together forever on a ‘sink or swim’ notion.
Right now, i’m happy as things are because things are fine. Plus, i feel emotionally safe and powerful. I’m all woman now. *Roar here*
Things’ll be alright in the end.
The weirdo’s are pouring into Starbucks now. It’s because it’s much later, meaning ‘the odd’ don’t wake up early, nor do they have jobs, or newborns. This morning was dipped in hilarious mayhem. Ruby needed attention and was hating on Junior for getting a brief moment of ‘just him’ chitter chatter. She opted for trying to knee him in the head. Luckily, she has bad aim and a weak spot for lip gloss. I cuddled her, told her not to strop and assured her that applying gloss to her lips would make life a little better. Then Junior wept because her ‘lip gloss’ minutes took up his ‘look at me’ time. Breeding attention whores is hard work.This is why you’d think i’d need help. I can’t believe she tried to knee him in the head! Lol. It’s funny because between the two of them Ruby is super ‘Diva’ and emotionally tough and Baby Junior is whole heartedly emotionally gentle. If he’s sad (and the smallest things get to him,) he does these frozen downward lips, mixed with big sad eyes and a baby cry like you’ve completely broken every inch of his little heart. Rubes was never like that as a baby. She just used to pretend cried and get on with it, with a giggle. When Junior weeps…he makes my heart bleed bless him. Then Ruby tries to knee him in the head. 🙂 UGH!
An old lady has actually entered the building…a haggard looking one, with lines on her face that suggest 22 whisky shots for breakfast and 42 packs of cigs a day….who has a FULL ON fairy princess bridesmaids hair do. 🙂 She has gentle pink flowers, delicately placed all around it, like it’s the Chelsea Flower Show…for Drag Queens. The thing I adore about her is the simple fact that she tried to summon her inner glamour puss this morning, no matter what her whisky shots told her to do. She pulled what she had together and pinned it up wrinkles and all. 🙂
In life, you’ve just got to try to plonk roses on things and hope they hold up nicely.
My weekend,morning…and current situation 🙂 Enjoy.