It’s 1.17am. I’m laid in the dark, reading through a script about a prostitute (on my phone) & reading a scene from ‘Kramer vs Kramer, (that I have as ‘sides.’) There’s a tortoise casually walking around the room, with red tinsel loosely draped upon his shell. I’m thirsty. Really thirsty. Oh & Junior’s fast asleep in my bed….dressed as a Christmas elf.
I’m also looking over an audition i have on Tuesday…it’s a ‘Presenters’ role in Leeds. I’m excited for it! You can sometimes get properly immersed in roles, when you’re an actor. It’s wonderful, yet intense. That’s why it’s kinda great to just ‘snap out of it’ for a second, get to being yourself & ‘Present’ a little something…as YOU. Just so madness doesn’t come & get you. Lol. Everything else comes to get me, so I might as well try and fudge ‘madness.’ Fudge? I meant ‘DODGE!’ Haha.
I’m meant to be headed to Manchester later today, yet now I’ve been called in for a last minute afternoon audition, which I really NEED to get to. So I’ll have to either reschedule Manchester or Self-Tape for them, to see if they’re still interested in me for the role. I’m also excited to be organising wardrobe and travel with the film I just booked.
Then Saturday morning, I have a Coronation Street ‘Casting Workshop,’ with Ian Bevitt (the Director.) Everything feels so busy..but it’s delightful!
Obviously there’s a mountain load of stress going on in my personal life. It’s almost like a ‘Domino effect’ now. I’m winning. Yet it’s deeply annoying. I feel like I’m constantly needing a miracle! (Probably why I’m laid awake in bed. Lol.) However, I’m just keeping everything crossed & focusing on the positive. I’m really lucky. I have so much to be grateful for.
That may sound a little ‘rosy tinted,’ or ‘hidey.’ But it’s not. It’s smart. I promise you.
The more you think or ‘turn over’ the negative…You drag it into your ‘happy’ place and give it life. You give it unnecessary ‘energy.’ Don’t do that! It’s a really bad habit to adopt.
On a lighter note…
I’m also looking forward to Panto season…because i didn’t ‘book’ a Panto! Haha.
OH MY GOSH!!! Everyone I know, has booked a Panto, but me. Yet, they all seem to HATE Panto…BUT ME!
So I’m gonna take the kids and go watch EVERY SINGLE one of them, wallop out a bit of ‘HE’S BEHIND YOU!!’
I’m actually in creases because my actor friend Danny, (he’s in a Panto this year,) has to play THREE CHARACTERS in one show!!! Lol. (He’s actually a really great actor, that’s why I find it hilarious.)
Me: ‘How d’ya play all three at once?’
Danny: ‘I’m Lord Chamberlain in the first half…an Innkeeper for one scene in the second half…and a witch for the rest.’
Me: ‘….a witch for the rest?’
(It tickled me. I don’t even know why? I mean, I’ve once played a yellow bird, in a banana tree…I was only 8…But it counts.)
But SEE!!! If a Panto hired ME, then people wouldn’t have to play 99 roles at once!
Danny: ‘You’re too expensive now you’re a film star…lol.’
(Everyone’s happy for me, yet MUST take the piss…like I’m toooo ‘Hollywood’ now for a cheery Panto. I’m SO CHEERY!!!!!! Ffs! LOOK AT ME! I’m cheery as fuck!!!)
Me: ‘They can afford INNKEEPER for ONE scene! All is have to do is walk on, shout YOU CAN’T STAY HERE and leave! Haha.’
Like I said on my Insta story! I could’ve played ‘Cinderella’ or ‘Snow White.’
Gina: ‘You’re Asian.’
Me: ‘Lol! SO! That’s not BAMEof you!’
I mean, how HARD could it BE to just happily skip around a stage, with a bunch of dwarves? I’ve been in much worse situations.
Gina: ‘The dwarves’d piss you off and you’d start getting angry. There might even end up only being 3 dwarves, by the time you’ve finished with them! They might even make you PLAY a dwarf…in the end. You’re too feature film and on tvnow! Lol. Let’s face it. You’re not made for springing across a stage in….Barnsley or whatever stage it is…lol…. for the joy of kids…& no decent dosh…’
Me: ‘I don’t care about the dosh, if it’s a good script, Director or production. I’ll send them a Self Tape!’
Gina: ‘People don’t self tape for Panto, you idiot!! Lol. Only tv & film actors do that! And…good script? I’m dead! Lol’
Me: ‘Why is no-one putting me in their Panto???? I’d seriously love it! My kids would love it!’
Gina: ‘Why is no-one putting me IN THEIR FILM!?!?!? I’d seriously love it!! *He’s behind you* probably means a whole different thing to you, Wunna! Haha!!!’
I’m freezing! It’s cold. But I’m alright! I have a busy day.
So, last Sunday, Ruby, Junior & I really wanted to throw our merry selves, straight into Christmas ‘with bells on,’ joy in our hearts & that simple old festive excitement. We already have our tree up at home. We’re already wearing our Christmas onesies. Mulled wine is already my‘go to’tipple.
Life is pretty great!
I don’t know about you, but when you have an 8 & 6 year old, Christmas just becomes ‘alive’ again. I mean Ru & Ju are just filled with an irrepressible glee of giddiness & seeing them so happy, by the smallest ‘glisten’ of tinsel draped treasure, just fills me with actual excitement! It makes my heart swell.
I love Christmas, regardless. I’m a December born baby! To me, there’s just a magic in the air. It’s filled with a warmth…There’s an oozy, happy kinda soul, to it.
In Wunna land, we celebrate ALL that we can because we don’t EVER take the happy ‘day to day,’ moments for granted. Why would we? They’re the moments we want to remember forever! We love life. We love tradition. We love merriment. We love family time…OVER everything! (I mean, I never understand why people go out of their way TO BE miserable at Christmas? Lol. I don’t get it? It’s a great way to celebrate ALL that you’ve achieved through the year!
Our Christmas festivities DO NOT begin, until the kids & I have visited Santa in his Grotto. It’s theNUMBER 1thing that we DO, to begin the festive season. We don’t leave it ‘til late. We do it FIRST!
Obviously we’re a family that gets out & about, quite a lot. So, I’m our time, we’ve tinkered to MANYa Grotto.
But now, we ONLYever go to ONE & the only one we ever go to, is the Santa’s Grotto, at Ackworth Garden Centre. (It’s certainly Ruby & Junior’s favourite Grotto & also MY FAVOURITE Grotto!!)
We ONLY go to that one in particular, simply because it’s literally THE BEST one. It really is as simple as that! Lol.
The staff go out of their way…FOR MONTHS planning & creating the experience for us…They literally build it by themselves, by hand…It’s just remarkable! It’s almost breathtaking because so much hard work, has gone into something so wonderful! I don’t even know how Jenna & Simon do it? Every year it’s without doubt fantastic. However each year, it just seems to better & better!!
It’s hand built & created by a family business (as opposed to a corporate ‘churn ‘em in- chuck’em’ out shindig,) and it’s main purpose is to create joy for OTHER families, so that they have a shot at making some of the most special MEMORIES at Christmas time toooo! You only pay £15 per child to visit the Grotto. (I mean some places are charging double & TRIPLE that, for a lot LESS of an experience.)
One of the main reasons we love going to this particular Grotto, is because The Garden Centre themselves, make no actual profit from it!
You should see the faces of ALL the staff members, whether their on the floor, in the Grotto, in the cafe…Even Simon (the owner) himself…they were literally all BEAMING with excitement, when they saw the families waiting to go into the Grotto. When you’ve created something yourself, it means so much more to you, doesn’t it? When you see something you’ve created making people so happy…you just get this buzz of excitement!!! That excitement alone fills the Garden Centre with magic.
It’s such a friendly & beautiful vibe from the moment you walk in & that’s what you want.
As soon as we stepped through the glass door into the building, Frozen’s ‘Elsa & Anna’ we’re there to meet, greet & book the babies in, to see Santa in his Grotto!
Some of you will know, that I have excitable, and some would say, rather high spirited children! Lol. They were so excited, they could’ve BURST!
But when Disney ‘Elsa’ calmly looked and them, smiled and handed them TWO special tickets to the North Pole…that was it…their world, life and existence was absolutely complete!!! They could’ve gone ‘boz eyed’ and passed out with glee!
They were then given a game to play around the Garden Centre, where they were to help Santa find his Reindeers! Some were inside. Some were outside. They had to find as many as possible & write them into the big Reindeer sheet they were given!
AFTER that, they followed Santa’s snowy footsteps along a path, which led them to a closed entrance, with a curtain, gate & red velvet rope. You couldn’t see inside, but outside was a sign that read,
‘The North Pole!!’
Even I was excited by this point!!! Haha.
Oh GOSH!!! It was just AMAZING! I was mesmerised and sold on the magic of it all. I mean the kids and I LOVE that it’s a ‘walk through’ Grotto, where you’ll experience things along the way, before you get to Santa! You don’t just queue up, have a bunch of elves try to entertain you for a bit, whilst you look at tinsel and go sit on his lap for a couple seconds….a toy. Haha.
As soon as they entered the North Pole, ‘Princess Anna’ told them (whilst they’re sat in a cosy Christmasy workshop) that they could sit down and write Santa a letter. They could also post it…there was a giant post box there…and Santa may even reply!!!!
Once they did that, they slowly opened an iron gate that led them further into their walk towards Santa’s actual Grotto!
It was just so beautiful. It was filled with nature and mysterious smokey lakes, by fairy lit blossom trees, bridges, reindeers, polar bears, a Christmas forest, a mini castle…Just so many interactive Christmas scenes! The kids stopped to look at everything…Junior nearly filled up and cried because he couldn’t believe how wonderful it was & Ruby looked like she was going to quite possibly EXPLODE with excitement!
But when they had successfully followed the path and got to the next curtain…they both paused, said they were nervous. They looked nervous! Haha.
Me: ‘What’s the matter?’
Ruby: ‘I’m really nervous to meet Santa! I hope we’re on the good list. Do you think we are Mum? Cos I’ve been a bit cheeky?’
She looked up at me, with doughy eyes, filled with hope and nerves.
And in that moment I COULD’VE cried because how they felt was so real. It was so sweet. The Grotto magic had ALREADY swept them away and they hadn’t even been in to see Santa yet! That experience alone is beautiful! There was nothing artificial about it. It was raw. It meant everything to them.
Then Anna peered out of the curtain again…
Princess Anna: ‘Ssshhhh…You can come in and see Santa now.’
…and after a big deep breathe, they held their little heads high and walked in…
It was just so mesmerising. I couldn’t even speak. I kept whispering because everything around me felt so delicate and magical. I hid in a quiet corner and watched..I let them have their moment with Santa.
Santa at the Garden Centre Grotto is just so wonderful, because he’s not the crazy, fake, ‘high clicking heels ‘in the air, over jolly sort. He’s a calm, kind and listening sort.
He told them a magical story. They were quiet and listened. He knew their names. What they’d been up too this year! Everything! They were amazed!!! I loved that their Santa time lasted for a really long while. He really took his time to talk to them about Christmas, family & kindness. He really respected their wishes and beliefs.
(I mean usually at Grottos, Santa’s asks one question, Santa’s not that bothered, a picture is taken, you get a rubbish gift and your booted out for the next kid!! Haha.)
Not here! Every little piece of detail is taken into account.
Plus, the gifts they received from Santa that day were AMAZING. I’m not kidding!!! They were of super high quality!! Junior opened up a big interactive ‘makes noises too’ Monster Truck and a Build Your own Racing Car!! Ruby recieved a giant jigsaw that she could colour, once completed and a big ‘Make Your Own Unicorn’ String Art set! The gifts were actually fantastic! They were gifts that you would actually GIFT to someone’s child.
(And i day that because two years ago, we once went to a grotto, in a popular shopping centre and Junior got a tiny, car…it was the size of a ‘Hot wheels’ one, but plastic and looked liked it may have cost 25p? Haha. Ruby once recieved a bag of sweets? They were in there for 3 minutes tops. We didn’t BUY the picture. It wasn’t included in the price…and we paid about £20 something per child.)
So, if you visit a Grotto, this is your one to go to! The experience is phenomenal! It’s classy. There’s a raw family warmth to it. It feels exciting! The gifts are great. The time spend with your children is not only of the finest quality, but it’s just magical. There are games for them to play. They’re occupied, inspiring and active. There are Disney characters! Oh! And when they left the Grotto, with their gifts, & photos, they were greeted by a giant dancing Minion…who they followed around for a bloody good hour, I reckon? Lol.
We made a family brunch day out, as there’s a coffee shop/restaurant there. merriment got the better of me. We could grabbed coffee, lunch, magic keys and all sorts as they sat down to open their gifts!
Even when Simon came around afterwards, to see how everything was going, he was brimming with smiles because Ru & Ju had, had such a wonderful time! Isn’t that lovely!!!
Then Jenna showed up later and I just looked at her with absolute amazement because any human who can MAKE an experience as phenomenal as that… with their bare hands…is just remarkable.
We loved it and you should too!
Don’t forget to make memories. It was the happiest Sunday afternoon! I was so grateful to have had that moment to treasure ever!
Happy Weekend! You made it. If you’ve been anything like I, you’ve certainly had the busiest week! All a ‘goody.’ But ‘oh so’ busy!! I’m shattered. But there’s no rest for the delightful…I’m already on a train headed to Leeds City Centre to shimmie out a bit of ‘acting.’ It’s around 7.55am.
So, yes! If you’ve had a hectic one…just relax, breathe and take a minute to DO YOU. Don’t forget to enjoy doing you & being you. We kinda forget to at times.
There’s a lot going on. There’s a lot of work. (Which I’m happy about!) So much ‘stuff’ in my personal life to tend to. (Court on Tuesday.) Plus all the school commitments with Ruby & Junior, ‘The Wunna Babies.’ (Ruby spent the day as a Victorian servant on Thursday & Friday, they’ve both headed to school in their Christmas pyjamas, to help raise money for ‘Children in Need.’)
Just life really! Yeah. Just life. But I’m good! I’m feeling tough. I’m feeling lucky. How you feeling?
There’s always gonna be good things, that are kinda made mightier by the bad things, we encounter. But d’ya know what? I’m quietly confident, I’m chilled and I’m definitely bathing in wine tonight. 🙂
I’ve worked really hard, like ‘old school’ me would! When I was a young, fresh faced, eager 20 something in LA. Where I felt unstoppable. I always blah that time off with ‘ I just drank, married an actor and had fun.’ But I didn’t. When I first landed on Los Angeles soil…I smashed it & achieved everything I wanted…because I wanted it so badly.
I’m working that hard now…
Whenever I 100% effortthings, no matter what, I NEVERfeel like I’ve let myself down.(And let’s face it, that’s a ‘jig’ I’m really great at! lol)
But Yes! No distractions. No distractions is working!! This week…i’ve been a true ‘tryer.’ It’s been non-stop. But I’m loving it. I’m going for it. There’s a fire in my belly. I see the big picture and I want! It’s sexy. There’s a glisten…
(I’ve also just had a Vegan breakfast wrap. I’m loving being vegan, because it’s keeping me slim…I actually feel wonderful! Yet I’m never having a vegan breakfast wrap…in my life…ever… again. I’ll stick to strong, black coffees. We’ll keep it gangsta, up here in Wunna Land. Warmed up scrambled tofu.. in a wrap…is without any doubt….the enemy. I had great banter with the server though. She dropped my first wrap by accident. Haha. I liked her. She was cute.
The vegan breakfast wrap even HATED itself!!!! It leapt out of the oven without permission and tried to splatter it’s own existence, all over the floor.)
I’m doing well! I think I’m just shattered because I’ve spent my entire week auditioning and working non-stop. But like I said, I’m grateful. It could be worse! I’ve noticed that I don’t like to give myself a break. Once I want…that’s it, I’m ‘all cylinders going.’
I guess doing everything you possibly can, (where it’s worth it) works. The ‘where it’s worth it’ part is essential. If you’re doing everything in all the wrong places, for all the wrong people…You’re kinda wasting your time.
‘Work smart, not hard.’
I’ve got my hand on my heart. I’m happy. I’m alive. I’m well. I’m kicking. I’m doing all that my soul wishes and as I always say….
I’m EXACTLY where I’m meant to be. (I’m positioned..correctly. I’ve got this!)
So! If you follow my ‘socials’ you’ll know that I’m doing my Insta Story questions on a daily. I’m not answering too many of them because the only thing everyone’s asking me about is my love life?
Like I said, I’m not distracted right now. I’ve done that, a million times before. I’m pretty focussed. And yeah, I get it…everyone feels as though I’m SO apparently desired. But like a quote I once read on my friend Harriet’s Insta story….
‘…just because someone’s desires you, it doesn’t mean they actually VALUE you.’
I’m grown. I’m not a kid. I never get the two twisted…and I’m feeling pretty full & pretty happy right now. I have everything I want & I’m doing all that makes me beam! Any ‘additions’ will kinda have to enhance my life, in some way.
There’s a glint in my eye. A magic. I feel like I’m sat on a rocket, with a Prosecco..and I’m headed to the top of the skies!!!
(Well, not right now, this second. Right now this second, I’m drinking a much needed black coffee, on a train that’s tinkering into Leeds station.)
But I hope you’re all well!!! How’s life feeling, as we’re headed into the festive season? Lol. I don’t really get too needy at Christmas. It’s my favourite time of year. I’m excited!!!! I’m not feeling needy, at all. I feel like I’m about to have the best Christmas ever and I don’t even know why? It’s not like I’ve had an easy end to 2019! It’s been shit!!! Haha.
But we’re almost in December, which is my BIRTHDAY month. They say that you’re at your most powerful ‘spiritually’ during your month of birth!!!
So let the snow fall, grab your tinsel, pour a rum…and enjoy it!
I started my morning with 2 self-tape auditions. It’s nuts because they’re 2 completely different roles. One of them isn’t even what I originally thought?? They couldn’t be further apart. They’re great. Yet you have to try & ‘whop out’ a bit of acting. A bit of magic. Mainly because you just really WANT the role, the success, the tape, the credit or the money.
I’m baby stepping. But I reckon that’s the way to do it. The 22yr old ‘West Hollywood’ version of me would’ve tried to run before she could walk. Before she was ready. Y’know, ‘wing it with a wink.’
The 38yr old version of me THINKS she knows what she’s doing. (But can someone just say ‘Yes…’ quickly, because I’ve literally done a zillion self tape film auditions in a few days…and the videos are using up all my selfie storage. 😉 I’m joking. But I still want a ‘yes.’ )
Saying that, I’m still good at winging it. It’s a talent that every human, who has been through shit can do. Haha. It kinda turns into an essential life tool. A necessity. You never know what’s gonna happen, so it’s good to refrain from being ‘stuck in your ways.’ Being able to meander & find a solution is always a winner. I teach that on to Ru & Ju…and I never dwell on anything.
‘Chrissie’s hilarious. She’s about to strut into a scene. She’s full speed ahead. She’s been half asleep previous, so she’s behind the scenes rushing about in a panic, hair flicking, sorting herself out and adjusting her boobs, because her character’s sassy & trampy.
It’s all improv…So there’s no script. She can say what she wants…as she goes along.It’s turning dark outside.
She quickly eyes herself up in a window, takes a deep breathe, looks at me and says…
What’s the dead mans name?
And in a flash, she turns away and darts into the scene, like she owns the fucking world! Haha.’
I would’ve preferred to do it with a pina colada in my hand….Yet no such luck prevailed. You can’t win’em all. That’s the only shit thing about acting. It’s PRETEND drinking at a funeral. Lol.
Geordie Ben: ‘You made an effort today Chrissie. You’re outfit looks SO Summery.’
Me: ‘Oh! Don’t start!! I’m ill. Infact, BRING IT! Bring it now!!! I’m READY!!! Haha.’
Geordie Ben (who I act with) automatically assumed that I was there to seduce him. (As that is my ‘Casting type.’ Lol. I’ll always play the sassy, sexy vixen chick, who struts in and fucks things up, masterfully… for someone innocent blond.)
However, if seduction was the case, I wore an outfit that covered EVERY SINGLE bit of FLESH, on my ENTIRE body, from my chin to my ankles. Haha. I think I opted for being fluey over seduction.
Ben: ‘She’s like Angelina Jolie, in ‘Mr & Mrs.Smith. Like Gaby in Desperate Housewives..’
He’s obviously had a…..
Me: ‘Kitty! You were good when you played his giddy fan! You were good at that! You actually looked really embarrassed about the nudes you sent him.’
Kitty looked like was having a hard time with herself when she left YAFTA last Saturday evening. We’re all at different stages, but on the same journey. I think when she breaks down an emotional barrier…She’ll smash it…cos she’s feisty. She’s smart. She’s obviously been through shit. Yet breaking that barrier is difficult. She was hard on herself. So I reminded her of what she was good at. One day it’ll ‘click’ and she’ll look back and laugh.
‘Have you ever sent anyone a nude before Chrissie?’
‘Haha. Obviously. I have a pre-shot, pre-edited gallery of nudes ready to go!’
‘I’m dying!!! Really??’
‘No. Not now I’m older & wiser.’
Being an actor is just not an easy career choice. It’s hard.
I guess people always think actors just pick up scripts and read lines in different voices. That’s not it at all. That’s the opposite to what we do. We have to be able to FEEL everything and deliver a story, truthfully. We have to be able FEEL happiness, pain, life, other characters and use emotions as triggers, to get to a place on cue. It’s not easy at all. It’s full on. It exhausted you.
Yafta’s great because I’ve had some great ‘moments’ with people, within those walls. I mean anytime you’ve started off your day pretending to eat vanilla ice-cream out of a bowl with Monica, is ace!
Anytime you’ve managed to sit in a mood lit ‘therapy room’ with Irish Rosie, crying at a pretend love story, that you’re actually telling… is magical.
Anytime you’ve managed to state to ‘Tutor Dave’ that biting someone’s penis off, is simply a Wednesday…is a wonder.
‘Well that’s a Wednesday to me…Bite off penis……Get milk…Haha.’
Every week…more memories are made within those walls. Those memories weirdly turn into big careers. It’s indescribably beautiful.
Anyway. I’ve done all my ‘dos.’ I’ve sent off all my self tapes. I’ve read my sides for my Monday audition and I’ve just read a message from a casting team, who got my submission too late. (Awesome. Lol.)
I’ve caught up with Meli’s love life. She’s replacing men with sprouts. Not the best idea, because she’ll end up with green wee… Her heart will still be achey. Her piss, will smell of veggies. I do like sprouts. So I’m there. Men ARE, at times, an annoying species. However, her heart seems to be able to handle anything. She has this ability to understand anyone and everything…and see the world through their eyes. Guys don’t always work like that and I have no clue why?
She could’ve at least replaced men with vodka. Then she could’ve worn a Russian hat and done that ‘boingy’ dance that they do, whenever she felt alone. Haha. I live for that ‘boingy’ dance. What’s it even called? D’ya know the dance I mean? Is there even a dance? Have I just made that up??
Anyway, I also backed ‘Miss. Murphy’ up, this morning before 9am. She doesn’t really need backing up. But I like to do it anyway because…well I’m a feisty one, aren’t I! We’re fire sign women..So we don’t like folk to ‘diddly dally’ with us. I’m
I guess, i’d say, it’s annoying when you have big things to tend to (like she does) and little things try to tinker in…with little thing problems…that have absolutely no relevance or depth to your current real life…‘big picture.’
Okay. I’m off now. I wonder what life’ll bring tomorrow…
Just good times. I’m working a lot and loving it. Any form of distraction, is getting booted out the window, if it doesn’t enhance my life in any way & I’m really proud of myself for that. I’ve done SO SO much in life. Yet at the same time SO SO much has DONE me. 🙂 (So, to speak…)
You wouldn’t believe the things my eyes have seen, or my soul has been through. Like many, I’ve had to learn everything the hard way. On the contrary, at the same time, I’ve been unbelievably lucky! I’ve had SO many great times! I’ve had great experiences & achieved great things. But, as positively as I can put this….I guess, we only really LEARN from the bad times. Don’t we?
Then when we rip that plaster off & give our ‘poorly’ some actual air…that’s when the magic begins. It’s when the healing starts…
If I’m being honest, I can’t believe it’s taken a truck load of shit, a bundle of REAL drama & being 38 (almost 39) to actually pull up a chair, sit down, smile & with every inch of me say ‘I’m right here & really here this time.’ I’m doing me and staying 100% focused!
I feel a magic swirl in the airs of Wunna Land, right now.
If you didn’t know, I’m someone that has that true Yorkshire, good old, will power! Once I commit to something whole heartedly…that’s it. I can take something on, something that I love & stand tall through the hard times OR give up something that’s bad for me, ‘just like that.’ Cold turkey. No drama. I find it easy.
The career’s going well. It’s going well because this time around…I want it very much!!!! I’m finally excited. I’m working hard. I’m performing well. I’m on the right path. A good track. Finally!!!
Hopefully it ends in absolute, jolly success. However, being lucky enough to just do something that you love kinda ‘ticks’ that box anyhow! I’ll never have to ‘clock in’ or ‘clock out’ of some mundane, grey ‘der-der,’ that I hate. Y’know, a mundane, grey ‘der-der,’ that has no soul or no real connection to my joys, heart or talent.
I count myself lucky for that. Previous brave decisions, had my back.
Anyway. Back to reality. I’ve had the worse case of the flu. I accessorised such, with what I call, a ‘gammy’ infected left eye.
Soph: ‘You’re like Lisa ‘left eye’ Lopez, from TLC.’
Me: ‘…but less successful and without her ability to rap.’
My ‘gammy’ eye annoys me because not only does it KILL & throb…But it also CRIES whenever it feels like it…and it makes me look WEAK!!! Lol. I hate that!
On the school run, Friday…I stood in the playground with one side of my face fine & the other side looking weepy and pathetic.
It was an utter sight of beauty. ‘Manda,’ (one of the school mums) even offered to take me to a bush and ‘squirt’ something in it, to make the infection disappear? I politely declined the offer…although kind. The ‘squirt’ wouldn’t have bothered me. However, the fact that I’d actually have to WALK to a bush looking WEAK, would’ve killed me. I’m a proud gal.
Unfortunately for ‘Meli’ (Other school mum & mate) I decided to turn to her and give her really bad advice on men with axes. I do love hearing about other people’s romantic on-goings. It makes my heart flutter. However, why anybody finds comfort in my love life advice is beyond me? My love life track record has been shit? The only thing I have to offer is the fact that I’ve been there. I get it. Still all ended badly though! Lol
Oh? I’ve got distracted. I had the busiest week last week. It was stressful & manic. I was all over the place. It was like trying to hold 42 bouncy kangaroos, in a wiggling net, whilst sipping tea out of a china teacup…on roller blades.
I’m not good with animals, my arms don’t work, I only drink wine and well, as you can imagine, I don’t think roller blades are a strength of mine.
There were times where I felt sorry for myself. But I hustled through with the kids and a smile on my ‘stress’ face.
I also had a bunch of lines to learn, for different scripts, a monologue to learn- ready to perform on camera & 3 self-tape auditions to complete and send off to casting.
I liked that bit. That bit calmed by soul. I pretty much spend a good chunk of my time doing (what looks like) ‘talking to myself’ in carparks, bedrooms & in every quiet spot going …learning lines. I love it. It’s magical. But boy, it was hard work..During a really busy week! It takes or out of you emotionally…because you have to feel soooo much.
I thought I could’ve dissolved or burst! I couldn’t quite decide? At the same times as feeling excited, I was certainly feeling sorry for myself.
Then on Friday morning. I read a post by my friend ‘Miss.Murphy.’ We’re quite close. I love spending time with her. She’s a good soul. Her post was heartbreaking & It kinda just put everything into perspective.
Y’know, in life…anything can happen & sometimes we can ‘fuss and flip’ over the smallest things, that don’t really matter, when there Aww really BIG, life changing moments occurring in other peoples lives that they can’t change.
I stopped feeling sorry for myself. My heart went out to her…
Saturday morning, 6.30am… I was ready. Filled with the flu. Still with my ‘gammy’ infected eye. I left the babies with Grandma and I made my way into the city of Leeds.
It was freezing. (But it was fine.) I got sprayed down my a killer hose pipe. (I laughed it off.) I missed my mouth and spilt my entire coffee down my front, because I didn’t secure the lid on tight enough. (It didn’t matter.)
I got there. I made it. And as I walked down Kirkstall Road, Leeds to YAFTA, I read my WhatsApp messages from Meli…
& I beamed!
Life is good. I pushed open the door, shoved a brick in place, with my foot to hold it open & saw Geordie Ben & Kitty sat on a grey sofa…
Me: ‘I just prefer it, why? It feels comfy…a bit of lead on paper…’
I love to write in pencil. I’ve no clue why? It makes my writing feel more like ‘art.’ I like the way the wood rolls on my fingers. I enjoy the raw, natural ‘scratchy’ sound it makes, when I scribble.
There’s a safety to it. If I don’t like a written piece of my life, I can simply go back & rub it out…like it never even happened…EVER. I like to rub it out myself, rather that hit the ‘delete’button. The elbow workseems to give my actions more purpose and worth.
All I do then is re-write on-top of it, with better words that describe how I feel. OR with words that only tell the part of the story, that I want you to know.
I can keep the rest secret, that way. Everyone has secrets.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m far from living in a cave. I do also like to type. I’m fresh! I’m alive. Haha. However, my pink notebook…. (I have one of those little mini laptop things..)is busted, slow and on its last legs. So it’s basically shit.
I hate typing on my phone, because it doesn’t feel like a piano. It’s disjointed and stabby. It doesn’t flow musically. It feels like I’m typing out a quick shopping list. I hate it. So if I have to phone type, (like I am now,) I’ll write my entire blog out ON PAPER beforehand…to deliver that essential…’flow.’ Lol
I love how all guys keep sliding into my DMs and offering me their body, drinks or dates…But not anything I need…like a NEW pink mini laptop? I really don’t want your willy. It’s not helpful.
Me: ‘Why do you still wear that naff shirt?’
Tim: ‘Nothing else is clean.’
Me: ‘What? EVER??’
Tim: ‘It’s my lucky shirt.’
Me: ‘You GET lucky in it, or it BRINGS you actual luck?’
Tim: ‘Neither. Haha.’
Me: ‘Haha..Stop being pointless.’
Tim: ‘Have you learnt your monologue?’
Me: ‘Yeah. I’ve got it. I think Melissa’s been called into ITV today for Emmerdale? I saw it on her insta. I also saw that Ezra started following her.’
Tim: ‘Where did Ezra see her?’
Me: She was at the casting workshop with me & she does the YAFTA evening classes. I’ve actually worked with her loads. I love her.’
Tim: ‘Aren’t you both the same casting type?’
Tim: ‘Why am I not getting called in on anything!?!?!’
Me: ‘You will…’
Y’see, being an actor is great. But being a great actor who doesn’t get called in on stuff, is shit. (That’s his problem.)
Like with anything, you kinda have to hustle, your way in. If you don’t hustle…you have to be extremely lucky. If you’re not extremely lucky & you don’t hustle…AS IN put yourself in the right place…You’re fucked.
You can have all the talent in the world, but you’ll be sat in your living room, with all the talent in the world, doing nothing, because no-one can see it. No-one knows about it.
What I love about Melissa (other than her being a great actress)is that she’s lived. She has a story. She knows mine. I know hers. But away from that she comes from a Marketing/PR background. She’s determined. She knows how to sell herself and how to get herself in that casting room.
So whilst Tim’s sat here in his shit, unlucky t-shirt, with ALL of his talent and his fingers crossed, hoping that some giant Director (who’s never met him lol) will knock on his door and give him the lead role, in a spangly, brand new movie.
Melissa…who has JUST started evening classes at YAFTA…a couple months ago is already sat at ITV (this minute, as we speak) auditioning for Emmerdale.
That’s how it works. That’s how any business works.
Tim: ‘That video…slow motion…black & white… that you posted, of you playing with a sparkler…’
Tim: ‘It’s beautiful….and creepy. Like one of those videos that people replay & remember you by….when you’ve passed away…’
Me: ‘Haha.. Cheers! Thanks!’
Me: ‘Snapchat mate. Slow motion. Black & white. Gets you every time… 😉 I Hope Melissa smashes it!’
Tim: ‘You two are so lucky. She’s reading at fucking ITV. You accidentally end up in a lift with flipping Quentin Tarantino..Honestly, wtf!’
Me: ‘That was ages ago. Right. I need to go through these scripts for Saturday. I haven’t looked at them yet & my headshots are back from editing. Dropbox won’t even download on my phone, cos my storage is full.’
Last night, Ruby, Junior & I had THE MOSTbeautiful night. It was so beautiful, there are no words to describe how magical our time was! It was so simple. It was perfect.
We didn’t want to go anywhere crowded filled with people that may bump into..and do the ‘ooooh/aaaarh’ pantomime of Bonfire Night. (The weird thing is…my kids are asking for privacy now.)
If we go to a restaurant in Leeds, Ruby will ask to be seated at the most private table, away from everyone. She’s happy. She’s lively. She’s polite. She’s playful. But SHE WILL always ask! I’ve noticed her do it more & more.
Junior won’t even be alone anymore. He’ll panic. He’ll hold a wee in for hours & hours at school, until he knows someone else is going to the loo also. JUST SO he’s not on his own. It frightens him. Just recently I’ve watched him lock & re-lock his side of the car door, over & over again…just to feel extra safe.
Last night, we were happy. Last night, we were safe. 🙂
We just wanted to do life under the night sky, with each other…No-one but us! That’s exactly what we did. The skies occasionally burst into fireworks. The air smelt of that glorious musty smoke. (One of my favourite smells & currently Ruby’s favourite smell.)
With everything we’re going through these happy moments of celebration and family mean SO much to us. SO much!! We treasure them with all of our heart.
We’re so thankful to everyone who makes them even more delightful.
Creating a wonderful life for them, one that’s filled with happy memories, exciting moments & celebration is THE ONLY thing that matters to me. Nothing else….even if it’s something that makes me happy…it doesn’t comes close, to the above.
Last night, we wanted nothing & had everything we needed. It was beautiful. What we shared was…Well…we…
Words just can’t measure up to how we actually felt!
Junior conquered a fear and burst into a merry excitement. He felt 10 feet tall!!!
Ju: ‘I did it!!!! I DID IT, MUMMY!! I DID IT!!! I want to do it again!!’
Before Ruby went to bed, she wrote me a note…(She loves a note. As do I….Y’know, everyday she’s becoming more & more like me…by accident. It fills me with worry, just as much as it does happiness.)
‘Thank you for everything Mum! Thank you for everything you do.It was THE BEST bonfire night, we’ve ever had! I will remember it forever.’
Life’s okay. I’ve been working on my monologue & scripts all morning, on my own, in my bedroom, as a tortoise crawled around my floor, weeing on things.
I’m lying. Life isn’t JUST okay, it’s actually amazing. I’m feeling great, after having a couple of stressy days. Shit days, where you commit to feeling sorry for yourself. Those days that never seem to flipping end. Haha. They just keeeeep ooooon going.
Luckily, they did end…and thankfully it all perked up after a meet up with Miss. Murphy by Christmas trees & fairy lights, with WhatsApp messages from Meli & her love life, black ‘because I’m vegan’ tea, diet chats, kids with cake, doing life and then red wine at Rogerthorpe Manor, under the night sky, to close off.
It just felt really late. But it wasn’t. When I got home my mum was at mine, beaming with smiles…I’m lucky like that. She always catches on when I’m having a shit time…and makes it better, with all sorts of jiggers pokery. (I love that my predictive text tried to make me type ‘pink eye’ instead of ‘pokery.’)
I still haven’t got around to telling you about all the wonderful things that I got up to over half term. But I guess, I’ll just write about them when I’m ready? They’re coming. They are. My mind just isn’t going there right now. It’s playing over here and they’re over there. Lol
Saturday was great! It was SUCH a great day! I checked into YAFTA. I LOVE checking into YAFTA on Saturday. We’re such an ace group of actors. All different. All hard working. All close. But we all get each other. There’s a love. There’s a trust. There’s a magic. We’re smashing it now. We’re working together.
We’re almost like lunatics who cry, laugh, and shout at each other in a grey carpeted room… whilst pretending we’re stranded on a raft? Haha.
But we love it. It’s the best time. Saturday was AMAZING.
Ben (our tutor) got us to ‘play.’ He’s an amazing actor. He looks like ‘Louis Tomlinson.’ He got us to FEEL. He got us to evoke our imaginations again, without any bit of fear.
He took us back to the simple ‘basics’ of it all. He got us to REMEMBER WHY we were there. He opened us up. He PLAYED with us. We were helped and guided us to warmer shores.
That was one of the first times we ALL worked as ‘one’ and created. It was WONDERFUL.
I love Ben, he’s ace. I mean, anytime you’re stood at the top of a dark stairway, about to make an entrance into a scene at around 4pm…literally PISSING YOURSELF with your tutor, is bliss.
We were laughing so hard, that we couldn’t even get our words out! It was all in the name of creation, playing, acting and fun!
It was a moment. A moment that he had created for us all.
Ben: ‘Right…Lol…Play ya Dad….You’ve been lost in the woods FOR DAYS and you have NO CLUE what’s going on? But you’ve ended up on THEIR campsite…..Hahaha. Your objective IS to…Lol….You don’t need an objective. Take a moment, then make your entrance. Lol’
The entire top floor of that building was just FILLED with light & life!!!! It swirled around each of us!!! The rest of the world didn’t matter at that time! It was OUR world!
…it’s always the people that create these moments, that keep everything magical. I love people who have that ability!!! It’s one of the finest abilities, you could ever admire.
I mean, I know tons of people doing jobs they HATE. I’m so happy and so lucky to be around and to be doing the one thing that I LOVE! I always count my blessings…
Like I said…it was a moment!
We all had SO many of these moments, that Saturday. They’re the kinda moments that get *paused* in time and remembered forever. They’re treasured and gathered aren’t they?
I LOVE remembering.
What a great day!
Then ‘Bill’ (who’s real name is Michelle) ruined my career by fixing her ‘Goblin’ dance in my head! She’s like an old school, rockstar, ‘back in the day,’ party girl,’ now grown woman, who loves a vape, thinks men are ‘WEAK’ & collects SKULLS for kicks. She’s wonderful. Haha. I swear she ‘heel clicked’ in the air, yet didn’t know her body could do that!
Geordie Ben: ‘I will admit….that is such a strange *go to* dance.’
Me: ‘The heel/toe has tipped me over the edge. I AM dying! Why am I finding it so funny?’
I was literally crying with laughter. I couldn’t stop. She was SO excited because she’d just bought a creepy puppet for £165, that she had wanted for 3 entire years? (Lord fucking knows? Haha)
Someone told her to dance. I think it was ‘Really good at dabbing’ Monica? I dunno? But she did.
‘Bill’ went for it.
She performed her dance, with her heart on her sleeve, like she was an overly happy, pissed up Goblin, under a dirty, crooked bridge, who had just won the creepy puppet, Goblin lottery.
I was in tears!! I even had to re-glue my eyelashes back on.
Then unfortunately for me, the dance planted in my memory forever….right before I was to do a scene with a lovely, 12year old named ‘Joe’…where in which I was to play his ‘mum’ & be devastated because I had given him up for adoption, when he was 2!!
‘Ffs! All I have is your Goblin dance in my head!!! I can’t stop!’
Saturday was great!
Then all my trains got cancelled, so I had to drink red wine, out of paper cups for a couple hours in a train station. It was actually lovely. Two ‘Northern Rail’ dudes started doing Ballet, cuddling each other and then asked me what I thought?
‘Yeah. Yeah. A bit odd. But of course…beeeautiful!’
I think they’d had enough because every human on Earth (BUT I) was complaining at them. Haha.