‘Wet Through Inside’ Liquors, Gift Shops & Botox…

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Last night, I dreamt of rice, in abundance, being gracefully poured… out of a sack towards me. Now, I don’t know whether, I dreamt of rice because i’m Asian (*wink*) or because i’m about to be blessed with ‘…. prosperity, luck, success, joy and happiness?’ (That’s what it means. I looked it up at 4.42am, this morning. I missed out the word ‘fertility’ because, let’s face it, I’ve got my mitts pretty full.)

Then I dreamt that I was merrily drinking red wine. Again, I don’t know if that’s because I could be classed as an alcoholic (*wink*) OR because i’ve about to have a ‘…powerful patron/support that will help me receive honours and riches?’

Either way! The omen is good. Haha. Now I can uncross my fingers and start walking over cracks.

But anyway, on March 23rd, I arrived at Selby train station, after missing my connection by six minutes, to Howden. It was a really quiet station and everyone looked moderately frightened of my existence. Yet, my faux fur and lip liner didn’t seem to mind and therefore tottered about filled with life, love and excitement. No one wanted to chat to me, so I plugged my phone into a wall, to give it some ‘juice’ and Snapchatted ‘DBear,’ who was in the process of calling me a ‘Superstar.’

Tom: ‘HeeeY!’

Boom! Just like that, Tom (@shoptomloves) appeared out of nowhere, kinda like a Fairy God Mother to greet me. (Liz @virtueskinclinic) and Tom came to pick me up from Selby station, because my next train was an hours wait…) I heard another voice. I thought it was Liz. It wasn’t. Haha…

Me: ‘I can HEAR yooooou….’

It was just some grumpy lady, on a bicycle, who didn’t want me to talk to her. J (If you’re gonna cycle through town, you might as well smile because honestly what could be worse than cycling ANYWHERE…sober.)

I once got on a bike in Amsterdam, in a mini skirt, magenta heels and a GIANT WHITE faux fur, with diamonds in my ears…and hair that could suggest that my next stop was ‘Tea with Ru Paul.’ As soon as I got on it, my friends just looked and politely said…

‘GET OFF THAT NOW, WUNNA. YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A FUCKING IDIOT.’

Anyway, I jumped into Liz’s car. (Liz  is extremely attractive. She’s sexy. I’d say dipped in deliciousness.) Then almost without a BLINK, I found myself in the beautiful Yorkshire village of Howden. (It’s actually remarkably stunning.) There was a beautiful huddle of children waiting for me, when I arrived, who’d been watching my Insta Story. They knew I was showing up in their town and were excited to ‘selfie’ with me. I really really loved that, because it always makes me feel so alive. It’s like they added a ‘sparkle’ to my sassy lil’ appearance in Howden. I appreciated it, dearly.

But yes, I tend to waffle, so i’m gonna hit the bullet points instead.

Let’s go….

I took trip to Tom’s gift shop ‘Tom Loves.’ It’s the most amazing place of utter fun, glamourous, sassy, naughty gifting. It’s one of my favourite gift shops, filled with the most unique treasure and let’s say anytime you walk out of a store with a baby pink sign reading ‘Boss Lady, a lilac candle, with the word ‘FUCK’ engraved in it, a pink feathered quill pen and an oven mitt reading ‘Fuck this shit,’ after glammy chatter, under a bright pink neon sign…YOU KNOW LIFE IS GOOD. I love Tom. I’ve known him for years and years and he’s really special to me, because he’s always a wonderful delight….and drinks like a fish. Haha. Every single time I bump into him, my face just beams. When that happens, I know my heart feels good. He’s my new gay bestie.  

Straight after that is was time for what we called ‘Botox & Bubbles’ at the Virtue Skin Clinic, via the Goddess that is Liz. She’s a glamour puss. I want to BE Liz. She kinda looked at my face lovingly, like it was a work of art..with a big needle in her hand. (Haha.) Weirdly I wasn’t scared, because she was so comforting, in a humorously sassy way.  (It’s like we have the same personality.)

Basically she was divine. I never once had to explain myself or state what I may need, because she was already way ahead of me and had it all ready and prepared. Lol. She’s really smart. She’s one of the most hard working women I know. The Botox session was over in a painless jiffy and as she handed me a goody bag and a contour pallet, we ventured to a glamourous dining table for the finest prosecco and ‘wet through inside’ liquors, with Tom.

Me: ‘I’m trying to do a fucking Insta story & whenever I do, someone says something inappropriate in the background. Haha.’

Drinks, laughter, fun, banter, last minute gifts and lamps were discussed, before knickers were changed, (‘they’re a bit too tight on my…,) faces were contoured (‘…as if that only took me five fucking minutes. I went from leprosy to glamourous,) and Tom, Liz & I headed to ‘Bishops Bistro,’ for 7pm dinner…’Flourish and Prosper’ for vino with a wine merchant and the best Espresso Martini in all the land, at ‘Coffee & Wine By Tommy.’ (Howden is filled with the most beautiful secret bistro’s and bars. The people are great. The lifestyle is wonderful.)

Tom: ‘You should move here, Queen.’

I had the Thai Green Curry at ‘Bishops Bistro’ and it was DIVINE. Tom managed to accumulate free wine and Liz is literally a hit, with everyone in town.

WE DRANK. WE ENJOYED OUR TIME WITH WINE, AS OUR STAPLE.

It was just a wonder. A glorious ‘blur’ of magic, good friendship, new faces and life. I’d just tinkered off the most emotionally draining week, that it just felt so so marvellous, to cut away, be with these amazing souls and feel appreciated for the day, without stress. They both treated me so incredibly well. My heart adored them for it. It’s just what I needed. I appreciated it madly.

Anyway….

Tom definitely gave me an espresso martini to take on the road, as Liz had a driver arrive, to travel me home… to my doorstep, in one sassy piece. I definitely puked in one of my gift bags, on the way home J…and the driver confiscated my martini with laughter.

‘I enjoy that you did not get it anywhere in the car. Haha. Well done. I’ve never seen anyone look so glamourous when puking.’

I was home and safe really really quickly…

I cannot WAIT to revisit in May.

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