Today, I learnt not to EXPECT anything. . I kinda actually learnt it last year. I had to learn it over and over again. This year, i’ve nailed it. I’m another tick away from being an official grown up. (Slurps wine.) One that is tune with her soul, herself and sanity. (I guess that comes with life experience? I guess that comes with age?)
I learnt to just appreciate what was going on, in a moment, without slapping on labels, padlocks or territory marks. Sometimes we tend to run away with things. Our emotions become wonderfully ‘juiced’ with a spirit that makes us uncontrollably giddy.
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and you could read me a mile off. It like i shone ‘beacon’ strong. Now, at 38, i’m less of a giddy kitten and more of a fully graduated feline of woman. I’m loving it. I’m purring, like a Queen.
I’m not dull, I still have giddy moments, where I gush with this innocent happy spring of puppy. Kinda like a ‘jumping bean’ on Tequila shots, when ya favourite song comes on the radio.
BUT, I tend to get excited privately now. I don’t want it to always be that way. Yet, for now, it works for me.
I don’t do it privately because I play my cards close to my. (I have a massive. You’d be able to read my cards.)
Yet, because i’ve kinda just woken up at 38, and realized that i’ve done and been through so much in life. I’ve literally done so much. I’ve experienced SO MUCH. I’ve learnt everything the hard way. I’ve thrived in my career with confidence, over the years. LA built that in me. It forced me to grow up fast. It was the first time i realized I had sex appeal. It’s the city that served me well. I’ve always found keeping love, hard. We know that. (But it’s been fun.) And it won’t be a struggle forever. Lol.
I’ve looked back at everything. I reflected over the good, the bad, and the ugly. I read about people. I hung out with new strangers, last year. I learnt so much…
Infact SO MUCH, that by now…in life…I should be cool…and I am. It finally feels great! Haha.
I love being an oldie now. No, that’s wrong. I love being wiser now. and I didn’t think I would because I fucking panicked when I had my 38th birthday, in December.
Chick friend: ‘What are you doing for your birthday?’
Me: ‘Nothing. Haha. Leave me alone.’
I felt uncomfortable, to say the least. I felt like I had to drink ALL of the wine, in ALL of the land, out of ALL of the bottles… like a pirate on a stormy ship. OR date a flipping Toy Boy, for a blink of a second… JUST to make myself feel better, for a single moment of pleasure! Haha.)
I didn’t do any of that…Well, I might have drank?
When you expect nothing and you surrender to the art of such, with a positive glow, you are never ever disappointed. And you’re never disappointed because if you expected nothing, in the first place, but you appreciated EVERYTHING, you’ll always be content.
Right, or wrong?
I mean, I’ve nailed the above so far this year. I’m smashed it. It’s so sensible, it’s boring me.
I’m laid back and chilled by nature. Don’t get it twisted. I’m not hectic, but i do like it when people think i’m all ‘diva.’ I don’t even know why? Haha. It must be a persona, I enjoy, kinda like a ‘drag act.’
Yet, I do reckon, that i’m not one of those ‘just content, through life’ kinda girls, because it’s something I have to actually TEACH MYSELF to do.
I enjoy rushes of excitement and swirls of magical glee. I like to laugh out loud, with a dripping cocktail in my hand. Y’know…just madly, until my eyes weep and my sides hurt. I love to get lost in happiness. I love to celebrate and enjoy those moments, because when they come along in life, you’ve just got to hold onto them, before they fade.
Plus, I like to make a ‘doo daa’ out of good memories because I want to be 80 years old and *flash back* to such moments with pride. By that time rum will have turned my brain a simple clump of breathing meat…So I have to stick bells on shit, to simply help me remember. Haha.
Getting lost in whirlwinds is always fun…
But, without that sturdy bit of sense, or that grounded bit of balance, all you have is MADNESS. Madness, is rarely attractive, it’s lonely and it really doesn’t get you anywhere, in the end.
I still feel annoyed at that chick for using my friend, for a bit of pressy ‘look at me.’ Especially when I found out that she had been talking to two of my other friends at the same time. People are douches. I have so much respect for him and he doesn’t deserve to have to go through something so small publicly, by someone so ‘hungry.’
Me: ‘I’ve got ya back on this…’
TBone: ‘It’s not even a story!’
But back to me… Lol
Everything around me is changing…and it’s wonderful. I feel it in the air.
(Oh wait… My phones pinging. I’m at Ego, blogging with a wine.)
You know when you get though messages that just make you smile…. 😉