The traumas of a side pony

I’ve just done the nursery run adorning inappropriate attire. I never really realize until I enter the joint and another mum, will accidentally avert her eyes to my cleavage before my eyes. It’s then when it dawns on me that I may have made a foolish choice in ‘fashion crime,’ (I only seem to do ‘fashion crime’ these days, I don’t know what’s wrong with me?) I thought going with lemon button up blouse would be poshy. However, it seems you have to do up ALL the buttons in order to create the correct manner of ‘posh.’ I rocked it with an open cleavage button and a polka dotted bra, THEN I went a step to far by MATCHING my daughter to me…(no, not with a cleavage top, I’m not THAT hideous, yet in we were samey.) HOLY CRAP was that a bad idea. I got too excited and made her wear a SIDE PONY TAIL, the type of pony tail that was only fun in the early 9o’s, or was it late 80’s?? The type of pony tail that you may get made fun of, if you’re not as popular as you thought you were. My poor little lemon dressed, angel of delight, (who won a ‘SPECIAL PERSON AWARD’ at nursery yesterday for holding baby Junior’s hand, whilst singing Twinkle-Twinkle at him and rocking his cradle to help him sleep…awww) was FORCED to rock a SIDE PONY. It didn’t go down well…I broke her heart before 9am…and well if this is how she’s congratulated for being all ‘special award’ then I doubt she’ll return to ‘do- gooding’ any time soon. I really need to embrace that my children have better taste than I and not force them into Wunna land with sprinkles and a conga line. She’ll probably try and be all butch in the future out of rebellion. But I hope not, as I just always want her to be ‘frilly.’ I’ll be 70 years old and STILL be trying to side pony her, in order to hold onto MY OWN sense of youth. #poorrubes (Don’t worry, strawberry red laces made her feel better. They make all girls better. Even big girls, with a side of white wine.)


My side ponied, heart broken, 2 year old at 8.45am this morning.

Oh and here’s a picture of her award…


Keiran is currently passed out. I’m not sure what’s wrong with him but something is? According to his words he is run down, over worked, under paid and in need of finding a more suitable occupation where his health remains in tact and he’s home more, being ‘Papa’ to the children. Ruby is SO much happier now that he’s back and I think it’s important for a Father to be there in person for his little ones. Money is money. Love is what rules. Plus, even thoughhe’s more cuddly, he’s useless when he’s passed out…even with his shirt off. I prefer the well and healthy Keiran. That Keiran does the washing up on occasion and drives me places. He’s sort of happy though because I made him poached eggs this morning. He text me mid-nursery run with his choice of breakie-breakfast…(wife duties often suck, but today i’m in the mood for playing ‘good wife,’) I was waaay ahead of him and already at Co-Op purchasing exactly what I thought he would like. His reply was...’Yaaaaaay thank you. And there’s just one of the reasons why you’re my wife.’ย Cute innit! If in doubt girls, make them eggs. I’m a rubbish wife, but eggs always work…OH and ‘doing ya face.’

On the romance front… and we’re still floating in our bubble of romance….we’re even so cool that we’re reading each other’s star sign needs and adjusting appropriately to make our ‘other half’ happy. ๐Ÿ™‚ An Aries & a Sagittarius are a highly compatible couple, however apparently once i’m’ BENT INTO SUBMISSION’ i’m the sweetest lady in the entire world. That’s a bit of a lofty title of greatness? I thought the ‘sweetest lady in the entire world’ would saved lives, give kindness and nurture the less fortunate without reward, not wear too much eyeliner, a short skirt, only care about herself and stilettos before even thinking about seeking to soothe the lost?However no…i’m her, the sweetest person ever. The planet’s say so, so THERE! I knew I had a purpose.

Anyway long story short, ย my hubby has assured me that he has organized and pre-planned our one year wedding anniversary ‘doo-daa’ and it’s something that he feels is special enough for me to ‘love.’ I wanted to organize it all because I adore a bit of romance and being the one who rejoiced and planned a grand gesture of affection. Keiran is unfortunately the exact same way…so he’s done it and is refusing to tell me what the big ‘hoo-haa’ exactly is? I don’t really think he’s under too much pressure this year, as we haven’t managed to really do anything too ‘romantical’ or specia…l due to pregnancy, babies, babies and pregnancy..Therefore it’ll be an easy one for him, as pretty much anything will impress me at the moment. He had to tell me that he had organized something so I didn’t double book us in the name of ‘romance.’ I wonder what he’s come up with? Infact, I think I may know…(On the day of the event, i’ll tell you what I THINK it is and compare it to what actually occurs. He’s just stirred and woken up with a ‘oh? I’ve napped again.’ Typical.)

Once again, life is good, i’m rescheduling meetings so that I can meet my lovely ginger ‘Woodcock,’ who’s on garden leave for being naughty and finding a new job. If you don’t like something CHANGE IT. She did and well it worked. She’s now getting paid in full to top up her tan for 3 weeks, without having to show up for work. #somepeoplegetalltheluck I’ve managed to jiggle around a Leeds meeting for next week, yet it seems that when I re-jig, more stuff piles in. Give me my Ginge!!

Today Baby Junior, my darling little bundle of boy, is having to have his injections today. His first ones. ๐Ÿ™ I’m devastated because he has just managed to get his personality in. He smiles when he sees me and hears my voice…He’s far too adorable, doughy eyed and innocent for me to trundle off to the Doctors to get jabbed by needles, under the false pretenseย that we’re on a joyous ‘love filled’ outing. I can’t bare it. I can’t do it. So Keiran has to take him and i’ll spectate from a distance. *OUCHIE!* It really does stress me out. It’s just an awful feeling and it’ll be even worse if he cries. I want him to just ‘swag’ it out with an ‘umph’ and a smile. If he cries then i’ll be doing Ruby’s ‘side pony’ weep picture in lemon. ๐Ÿ™ It’s at 2.15pm. I still have time to mentally prep myself.



(His ‘Don’t jab me’ face. ๐Ÿ™ )

Okay, coffee time. Can’t think of ‘owt else to write? SHIT! I forgot to do my INBOX blog today!!! I’ll do it for you later! I’ve got so much going on in August. Meeting, the children’s modelling jiggery, Keiran’s modelling malarky, new work, my thyroid scan…all sorts. UGH!)

Love you lots,

Chrissie x

ps/I still need a job







Fake Funerals, Pop Songs and Noodles


Good afternoony my slimey little bits of joy! (My predictive text is a bastard! I don’t know why it keeps telling me that I’m spelling ‘afternoony’ wrong! How does HE know how I want to spell ‘afternoony!’ The only reason my I don’t trust him is simply because he keeps telling me that I’m spelling ‘WUNNA’ wrong. WUNNA is my fricking *cough* maiden *cough* NAME. I could spell it at 3! I can spell ‘Wunna’ with my eyes closed, a donkey trying to hump me and pissed up in a gin pool of naked males. I have actually spelt it wrong before…so maybe Mr.Predictive text is really the good guy? He’s obviously a man, as a chick wouldn’t put me through this much of a mind game and well it’s certainly not a glamour puss because she wouldn’t have time to correct the spelling of the ENTIRE world and substitute them with comedy words of apparent sense. Plus, she’d be too busy trying to upload half naked pictures of herself on Facebook for attention. :)#rantover #lifeisgood)

Okay, the love zone, my husband and I are in lurve. ‘Lurve’ is the good kind where ‘true love’ gets dipped with fun and I don’t mean Dirty Berty fun, I mean ‘fun’ as in swirled in youth and playfulness. The good kind of love. We’re best friends and well this is the kind of love i think MOST couples have. I watch you all upload family pics or fun pics on your bits of social media and all I see is happiness, playfulness and love. Like Harriet this morning (a girl I’ve referred to as my raven haired beauty…I adore her family pics and simply because they ‘sonic boom’ you with ‘lurve.’ Not matter what her family goes through, they’re the pics that you remember as time dollies onward.

Keiran got back early after switiching his last shift to get home and rest. He is OVERLY warn out, to the point where seeing may be impossible. But he drove through the night to get back to his family simply because he couldn’t stand the work load anymore and needed his little Asians to comfort him and his lost soul..only to pull up, race to the door at 2am and get locked out my yours truly for a jolly 20 minutes in the rain. Yipppeee! ๐Ÿ™‚ This time not on purpose. *Double grin.* Remember he lost his van keys..well he lost all other keys attached to it, so he had n house keys! (I really could’ve used that to my advantage!! SHIT! I hate lost opportunity!) He called my mobile over and over and over again. He knocked. He pondered. Then he called the house phone, which is a phone that never rings and his little kitten’s ears *popped* up out of bed with query eyes? She slowly stretched and wiped her sleepy eyes wondering what all the commotion was about? Ruby was asleep. Junior was fast on like a loggamuffin. (The beauty of having ethnic children. FYI/I’m allowed to make jokes of that sort.) Then she heard a weird odd ringing that her ears had never heard before. She believed it was the smoke alarm and therefore scratched her tired head in puzzlement? Then it suddenly dawned on her that her husband could be home, so she raced to the window, saw a giant work van and with a ‘shit it’s raining’ raced downstairs in the dark, in neon ‘said i’d never wear it’ pyjama’s, with no contact lenses in and let him in out of the cold. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m good like that! My life has been so comfy-cosy that i’m on kitten mode. I’m filled with harmony. His life has been all stressy work load, so he’s filled with punches, cotton wool fuzz, headaches.

He slept.

The end. ๐Ÿ™‚

The next morning I went to Meadowhall to allow him to kip all day. He needed it and I needed to shop with my loin fruit.

Since then…life hasn’t been better. Our relationship has been cuddled with fun and we’ve looked at each other playfully which we haven’t been able to do in a long time due to sensitivity and hormones. We missed each other and when you can get back from Meadowhall with the family, sneek upstairs for a quite cuddle because you haven’t seen your hubby in a week and just lay on the bed giggled and imagining your fake funeral…you know you’re in love! I don’t know how we got talking about my imaginary funeral, but i think Keiran was saying that he didn’t want people to cry at his. (I don’t know why people say that, as it be honest they’d be really narked off if everyone was happy they were dead. ๐Ÿ™‚ ) I immediately butted in with a ‘NO WAY!! I WANT TO SEE FLOODS OF FUCKING TEARS AT MINE. If everyone’s not crying, I’ll be so pissed off! If YOU’RE not crying, I’ll haunt you and you’ll know it’s me because I’ll have random bottles of champagne FLY across the living room towards you and you’ll look outside and your clothes will be throwing themselves out the upstairs window!!’

He pissed himself laughing, whilst we were still cuddling. Y’see some couples talk honeymoons and roses mid-cuddle…WE imagine my funeral and get kicks out of it. He replied with a ‘Whatever, I won’t even turn up and I’ll…’ then he BIT HIS TONGUE because he was about to say something really foolish like his imagination had taken to a place where he was frolicking about with some other girl, after I had pretend died to add to the humour of the story! He *paused,* reevaluated his joke and then said nothing! LEARNING FAST! That’s what I like to see, a SMART BOY, who knows his wife well! ๐Ÿ™‚ See when men learn to just go along with the wife, it’s much better. I call it smart, he calls it ‘control.’ Girls are far cleverer than boys because if I was to think such a thing, you would never see it on my face, let alone me say it out loud, or have to *pause* in question. But he’s doing well. I adore him for it. Good boy! *Control-control-control! LOL.

Anyway, he actual reply was much worse…he should’ve gone with the ‘new girl’ joke. This is what he came up with, ‘I’d be flipping singing…CHIN-CHIN THE WITCH IS DEAD…’ Firstly, what kinda Welsh school did HE go to for that song to have the words ‘Chin-Chin’ in? It’s ‘DING-DONG.’ Then I had to re-listen and playback in my head to make sure she didn’t say ‘CHINK CHINK,’ HAHAHA. I could’ve pulled the race card then…but he didn’t. *Sigh.* So instead, after flipping through all my reaction options, i went with, ‘A WITCH! I’M NOT A FLIPPING WITCH!’

We just pissed ourselves laughing. How dare he call me a WITCH! I mean BITCH is better than WITCH!! Then the track he chose for my imaginary funeral was that dance song that goes, ‘Now you’re gooooone, I realized my love for you was sooo strong…‘ but even that was too cheery for me. I’m pretend DEAD for crying out loud. I don’t want dance ย music and happy bopping, even if the words are loving-ish? I want tears and distress and to have finally made my mark with great impact on the lives of others that it gets telly coverage. I’m not a WITCH! I can’t die now and simply because the imaginary party is just not cutting it. He’d be crying like a pooey, nappied baby if I died. I mean, he could’t marry me without ย a good old weep. (And they were HAPPY TEARS, before you all start!) Just as I wrote that paragragh, the weather went to thunder. I love that my blog controls the weather.

All day we’ve been playfully joshing with one another, even when we were suited and booted this morning for meetings…..well his meeting. I enjoy it when we look posh or important because everyone thinks we’re up ourselves. Men undressed me with their Pontefract eyes. Women sneeky peeked at my husband with eyes of ‘wa-woo’wee.’ (HE’S MINE!! ย BACK OFF!) Then we grabbed jacket potatoes and ventured back home.

I’ve napped. Today BOTH kiddies are at nursery as Junior is having his beginners bonding sessions. NAPPING is a wonderful thing. I always use to say it was only for the oldies and that I absolutely despised nappers because it was FUCKING lazy. Now that I am an oldie and a mum of two…(I asked a gay friend how ‘that’ happened simply just to say it..and well his reply was ‘you were a slag, put out and ended up pregant.‘ OMG! Pahahaha! I adore it!) But yes, I love a good nap now. It’s actually a shame that I got prodded up by Keiran with a ‘Babe…I want noodles. Make me noodles. You’re meant to be my wife.’ I ย did what any good wife would do and pretended to be asleep. ‘Babe, i know you’re pretending!!!’ ๐Ÿ™‚ ย I sort of then pretended to ‘come around’ and as soon as my eyes locked on to his, with a random comedy face and his eyes popping out of his head he said ‘NOODLES.’ Conversation ended. I made them…and for ‘thanks’ he tried to stick his finger in my fluey for fun. THAT’S NOT FUN after children. It’s only fun when you haven’t got the boy already and you have to pretend to be naughty. The whole way through the cooking of the bastard noodles, all I could hear was him singing away upstairs to joyous pop tracks. (‘I’m up all night to get lucky…i’m up all night to get lucky…’) I had his singing as my background…LUCKY ME…with stove noise and a boiling kettle fuzz. Super Noodles aren’t that bad. I kinda wish I invented them now. Domestic Queen. Don’t Hate! I’m not a bad cook. Last night he had Wagamama Pad Thai. Cooking to me, is just buying it ready made. Why have me slave over the stove with my big hair and lippy, when ย I can simply swipe it and have it in front of you and cooked to a faaaar better level in moments??? Keep to your strengths. My is shopping! (He’s telling someone off upstairs on the phone. It must be rubbish working for Keiran, doing something wrong and having him lecture you. He does it like he’s your disappointed dad. Well unless you’re a girl, then he’ just forgives you like it never even happened. If you’re me, he gets stressed because I shout back.)

Anyway, I was going to tell you all about my fan inbox messages…but I think you’ve had enough for today. I’ll do that one tomorrow. I need a cuppa tea/wine.

Love you, x

Oh and I’m also on INSTAGRAM now. (I know, I’m a late to that party!) So follow me on @chrissiewunna (I’m just getting used to it, so in the end it’ll be fun. I love it.)

If you’re not following me…this is what you’re missing…









Dates, stress, kiddies and harmony


I am wallowing in utter harmony. Life is all peaceful and calm, (even though I had to watch what seemed like 40 hundred hours of the Magic Kingdom parade, Peppa pig world and well in the words of my daughter ‘BOYS’ this morning, to calm her heartbroken soul. (Keiran: aka the love of her life is away at work..she can’t handle it and takes it out on me. ‘Boys’ is One direction. We both fancy Zain. #awkward.)

So, here am I after my sashimi and buggy workout. (Buggy workouts are easy, there really is no excuse for ‘just had a baby’ femmes to refrain from trying to ‘bend and snap’ back into shape. All you have to do is fricking place baby in buggy, throw on booty shorts and start wheeling uphill, down hill…in ya lady’s chamber. Wherever really! You could even have a wine during…making it the best workout ever. Squeeze in ya belly at points, squeeze in ya buttocks, then squeeze those vaginal muscles and ‘DA DAAAAA’ ย you’re porn star ready for action. Today mid-buggy workout, I had workmen hang out of trucks shout ‘we need to see more of that!’ What? Asians? I thought you all hated us littering Britain with our slanty eyes and really big… brains. ๐Ÿ™‚

Junior’s a crowd pleaser, everywhere I go, as it was with Ruby, I am stopped so strangers can peek in the buggy/pram and ‘aww’ at me with love. I love it because it puts me in a jolly mood. I mean he came out of my vagina and he’s beautiful. I’m proud that I once again birthed beauty. However, I do find it awkward because if I don’t know you personally, even though you know a lot about me…i don’t know what to say after the ‘awwing.’ I do that smile and ‘thankyou’ thing, followed by a sick joke about newborns. I did that today at the Co-op whilst self scanning my wine and sashimi lunch. I couldn’t be a supermarket cashier, it’s far too difficult. ‘Beep…beep…ah shit that didn’t go through…beeep.’

I’m really missing Keiran, who called me today all angry and filled with ‘can’t be arsed-ness.’ I feel bad because if he needs anything right now he needs love, family and a holiday…a break. (I have that.) Instead he’s sat in the middle of a field, sleeping on a deck chair that is wedged in the back of his van, with booming music and drunks and all his scheduling fucking up. His security company are securing parts of the music festivals that are going on all Summer. It’s all going tits up, as someone didn’t organize something correctly or something? Being unorganized makes Keiran grumpy. He enjoys order and can’t appreciate things going a little messy. He was all ‘I’m in a different league to this! I’m FED UP. This had been sooo poorly done!’ Then after I said he was like a little gremlin, pulling faces in a dark corner of a cave…he wanted me to read him a bed time story, in the form of my voice. ‘Babe, tell me a story, just anything, so I can relax and go to sleep.’ Erm…I have a witchy cackle of a voice. It’s not soothing, it’s what you turn on when you’ve had 43 cocktails and anal. *SCREECH!*

I really miss him and I want him back home NOW, so we can frollick and play to the merry sound of true love. The good thing is that this time he’s missing ME, or now opening up and actually saying how much me misses me. I know this, because he’s calling me a lot more to vent and having moments where he’s not actually saying anything down his end of the phone…but just enjoying being ON the phone to me…like i’m right there, doing life and drama with him. I think he’d rather be home this time as love is getting the better of him and disorder it driving him insane. I’m being much more loving to him these days and well who’d a thought..if you’re actually really lovely to someone, they are actually really lovely back! ๐Ÿ™‚ #slowlearner I just want him home and I want us all as a family to venture somewhere.

I do feel bad that he’s going through so much shit, because i’m sat here in the sun with everything under control, after a workout, a fresh lunch, our little newborn son and with a stripey straw jabbed into my baby champagne bottle. Right now, i’m all about enjoying my down time until work starts and the thunder roars. ย (Awww…Baby Juniors being adorable. Whenever I pay him a crazy amount of silly attention, he does Keiran’s EXACT ‘I love it’ smirk at me, with shy eyes and a head tilt. Oh and I forgot to tell you that ‘Nursery’ said that Junior wanted to spend the majority of his time ‘nappy free’ with his willy out. Figures! What ARE my children!!! ) Anyway, I’ve made sure everything around me is drama free, hence why I have a smile on my kitten face instead of…*fill in the blank.* ๐Ÿ™‚ You should too…it makes life fly by with merriment and joy. #iwishitwaschristmas

To be honest, I have a lot going on right now, yet i’m weirdly handling it with ease? I know! I’ve even confused myself?? Maybe i’m actually being a proper grown up and everything? Keiran and I take it in turns to be moody. I’m chipper, he’s angry. I’m angry…he’s chipper. On occasion we’re both chipper and when that happens the world is rosy.

(I’ve just got a text from Gay Adam asking me if it’s a date if you’re not dressed up? Lol. I only like ‘dressed up’ dates because all other dates don’t impress me, it just means you’re chilling and he’s making no effort to initially ‘woo’ you. Plus you might not even get food and that would really suck. ALL Yorkshire girls need FOOD on a date. Some boys and only those who aren’t experienced in the art of proper ‘wooing’ think we only need drinks, so we pull or knickers down faster to any Barry White track you’ve got going. Yes, we need still buy us wines, but OMG, there needs to be a ‘date’ part, a dinner, some flowers, a piece of jewellry or something, whilst you talk and tel us how beautiful and wonderful we are and that you’ve never felt this way before and want to lovingly commit to us forever. ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t do ANY date that’s ‘come over to mine’ without a boy taking me out!!! If i’m not dressed up and he’s not dressed up…it’s not a proper date. )

I don’t have anything more to say!

Enjoy Friday, it’s fun!

PS/ To sail you into your weekend here’s piccies of Junior and I from our morning chill fest…whilst ‘Daddy daycare’ is away.

We cried

We pondered…


We gave in and chilled..

A little ROYAL Hoo-Haa

Okay, so this is just a little bit of a salute and well it’s going to be really annoying for those of you who aren’t so keen on anything British and Royal. However, I’m actually the opposite, I’m a massive Royalist and simply because I fancy myself as a Queen, having a Kingdom and wearing a tiara, if I don’t get to be on a throne that runs a country! ๐Ÿ™‚

I see the Royal family as a magical tale of ‘fairy’ regardless as to whether it is or isn’t. ๐Ÿ™‚ (We all know the drama, but i enjoy that they keep it ‘real’ -ish these days.) I ‘Santa Claus’ it up to make me smile and give me something to ramble on about. I love being British. England’s a snazzy bit of country to belong to. Kate is pretty beautiful and well we all adore babies, King’s and a bit of a glitzy ‘hoo-haa.

Therefore would like to celebrate and say a giant congratulations to the lovely Kate & William Winsdor on the birth of our 3rd in line to the throne, baby Prince George Alexander Louis! (I thought they’d call him ‘Jackson.’)

Big kisses, Big love and well…i’m sure this will make Harry go on another party bender. ๐Ÿ™‚


Celebrating all things ROYAL

Chrissie, x


Work, Tantrums & Harmony



Good morning my beautiful pieces of delight!! I’m over the moon today and when one is swirled in happiness, alongside a spritz of well i’m not that loyal to any particular fragrance, as I whore them all with a wink and a smile-but please do feel free to type in your own preferred smell in this space,’ย you are living your life exactly right! *Go-on…bring out a banner.*

Yesterday, whilst on a walk with Baby Junior and my delicious hubby Keiran….(Things have been REALLY GREAT between us recently. It’s like we’ve gone back to how we were when we first met, but better, as it’s smoothed over with that ever so ‘nicey’ stability,) yet the funny thing is that as we were on our merry little ‘because I was bored’ walk through the woods, he sort of paused, looked at me, smiled and said, ‘OMG!!! YOU’RE MY WIFE!’ It’s like he’s only just realized that he’s accidentally got married or something and then worst of all found out it’s ME!?! ๐Ÿ™‚

I have that effect on men. Men tend to put up with my diva-insecure-evil tantrums, whenever I decide to perform them, with the dying hope that it won’t last forever. Keiran calls it ‘the circle.’ Once something triggers a tantrum…i’m off running, shooting fizz bullets of *pinch* out of my knockers and scowling at crowds who with the bottom of their hearts love me. Then i come around…and all is back to ‘happy.’ Makes me sound nutty. But i’m not..there’s always a trigger and well i’m always highly feisty. (It’s more comical than anything else.) The good thing about it being a ‘circle’ is the simple fact that I DO come back around again to ‘fairytale.’ I’ve been really lovely and loving to hm over the past week and filled his heart and his world with magic. He’s glowing because of it, so even though you don’t want to let your man get away with anything that you find disrespectful, it seems that if you just love them, show them how much you think of them and tell them how much you care, they make the correct decisions, and when you have a happy man, he will do anything to make your world complete. (Unless you’re dating a twat, who doesn’t actually really love you. Then ofcourse you can ย just stick to the yelling and the throwing his life out your upstairs windows. ๐Ÿ™‚ ) The good thing about my husband is that he’s strong. I think he’s been through a lot and i’ve always said it will be the strongest man alive who I stay with. I’ve found him and well…he’s just driven off in the van to head away for 3 days o work. I’m really gonna miss him because i really adore just having him around. I love him. I mean i even packed him 8 packets of Supernoodles and EVERYTHING. ๐Ÿ™‚ #wifeoftheyear #nocookingforme Y’see, I can’t even describe to you how wonderful we’ve been with each other…the good thing is, with a little more will continue.

Anyway, back to the walk. He paused, realized he had a wife, realized that it was me, then he shook it off like a tiny punch to the chin, resmiled and after I cheekily uttered, ‘yes, you are a bad picker.’ he laughed, held my hand, walked onward like the world was his oyster and said, ‘No i don’t…my wife is ACE! I love you.’

Things are perfect. (Even though he did tell me to smell his armpits yesterday, an art form that i’m not only unfamiliar with, yet despise with a dedicated passion. I just looked at him, screwed my face up with a ‘NO’ and reminded him of how romantic he used to be. ‘God, I used to get surprise flowers at work, love letters, dinners and gifts…now I get a sniff of your fricking armpits!!’ He’s definitely lost his touch. As it said on my FB status, #romanceisofficiallydead.)

Anyway, today I don’t know what to do with myself. I told you that i’ve been interviewing a lot and well getting on with life, but Baby Junior and Baby Ruby have BOTH gone to nursery together today. For me to go into full time work, which is a must for the family, Baby J is having to venture into nursery early, as a full time baby. (Which I don’t actually mind because it’s been such a wonderful bit of schooling for Ruby.) Right now, before he does the full time fling, he’s having a two day a week bonding session, so he can bond with the nursery nannies and they can get use to him. Including Rubes, as she’s mighty possessive over the things she loves and she LOVES her nursery and her’Alice,’ who will be looking after Junior.

Ruby’s been finding the ‘Keiran working away’ thing difficult and it’s left me with a very upset little girl. She loves him, she loves stability, she loves family time, it’s bizarre how much she actually does…and well i’ve been dealing with a very angry baby girl. She won’t go to bed, because when she wakes up he might not be home. She doesn’t want to leave his side incase he disappears off into thin air. It’s crazy. Even hours of watching Peppa Pig World and the Magic Kingdom Disney World Parade on Youtube, didn’tfully ย calm her. Luckily, soon it’s all over and he’s back home. Once he is, she’ll go back to normal. Keiran is Ruby’s world and even more so than I am. I think she has a bit of a broken heart right now, so like me, is being fighty. It’s awful seeing your child inherit your own bad genes. Yet with her being fickle, my ‘you can have my ย lip gloss’ bribe worked and she skipped into nursery merrily, like she was the coolest chick on the block. I had to park legally today. It nearly killed me. ๐Ÿ™‚ There I was hobbling along in a pencil dress, wedges, MY handbag, a butterfly bag, a Spiderman bag, a newborn in my arms and a two year old holding onto my thigh, mid strut. #sexy #oldblondwontletmeparktherecow

Today, I don’t know what to do with myself?? Keiran’s wandered off to money make, the children are learning their ‘A,B,C’s’ and i’ve already tangoed with my work quest. I’m sat on my the living room, under my budget chandelier, with nothing to do? It’s silent. I can even hear the clock ticking! When I have no drama, life is really weird. Even though there hasn’t been any drama recently, there’s been people. I’m actually powdered in utter harmony right now but have no-one to share it with. Hilarious.

During this times, I usually rebel and do something idiotic, like wallow in vino, watch a porn for the story line, be evil, or moan at Keiran for attention. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Talking about porn, i’ve felt awful watching the last couple story lines a couple months ago because the girls in them were really beautiful and i’m talking properly ‘shouldn’t be doing porn’ beautiful. One girl obviously used to be a dancer, not stripper, but proper dancer and moved to Hollywood to hope to make the big time, yet ended up having ugly men bonk her, on a camera for money. ๐Ÿ™ Makes me sad, because she’s worth so much more, yet because she didn’t get her shot at stardom in due time, she gave in lost her faith in ‘making it,’ slipped on her hooker boots and grabbed that Vivid paycheck. No word of a lie, it really does (and i’m not making fun of them or even joking) it makes me sad. There’s some hideous looking chicks though and well..yeah…i don’t feel sad for them, they’re in the right industry and they do it rather well. ๐Ÿ™‚ I can’t watch the pretty chicks, because it puts me off feeling sexy. I’m sure that’s the wrong way around? )

Today, instead of being idiotic, I reckon i’ll just enjoy life and chill. I go back to work shortly and well I’ll be wishing I had this ‘calm’ time then! I love my new uncomplicated life. I can’t even believe i’ve managed it. I’ve done ‘white picket fence!!’ YEAH BABY!!!





Bollocked in Neon



GOD!! It wasn’t even 9 o clock yet and I managed to get merrily BOLLOCKED whilst pouting in an illegal place to park and in a neon dress. (Pink.) I swear down that in future I need to refrain from decorating my body, my love humps and ego in neon. It’s bad for me and I ALWAYS get into trouble. The last time I wore neon I got bitched at and the time before I was in a Wakefield club getting aggressively flung around a dance floor and fighting. Jesus.

Today I was stood on a private road at 7.54am, in a tight neon dress and black rubber wedged, bowed, Truffle shoes, a hand bag, a giant butterfly shaped nursery bag flung over my shoulder, a grumpy two year old who just so happened to have ventured out of my vagina a couple years ago and my silver Mercedes. (My ‘Mummy Motor’ as I call it, as it’s not a snazzy ‘young-free-single‘ sporty number, it’s more of a ‘I’m sensible, have 42 children and maybe a good job’ set of wheels. OR i come from rich parents who gifted to my husband and I last Christmas to encourage me to drive. You can tell that my Mother bought it for me simply because I really never chose anything sensible. I am PLEASE, I was in NEON at 7.54am. No decent person does that without reason.)

Parked my silver Mercedes, climbed out of my car, smiled and waved at another parent who was dropping her child off at nursery, adjusted my dress, wiggled to get Ruby out the car, flustered with all the bags and key organisation, realized Ruby was not going to play along nicely for the merry stroll into nursery and out of nowhere POPS a old blond lady with a pointy finger and an angry face. UGH!

Now, I always park in this particular spot for convenience. Keiran taught me to, as I’m not one to really be brave enough to commit to such Tom Foolery. However, after never getting caught and doing it almost every day, I figured that life would just go on and well the old woman (who i do see on occasion) will always frown as I arrive and I will always get away with illegally parking.

Today was the day (and because I was in neon) that she decided to make her move and BOLLOCK ME. Lol. I couldn’t really argue my case because right next to my parked car was a GIANT SIGN stating that people were not allowed to park in such a place and if they dared to a giant fine would be dragged out of their bank balance as punishment. Yet…it’s a lot more official than that. OOpsie.

She comes out and tells me off and states that there is truly no reason for me to park there and that I’m quite a nuisance etc…I know i’m in the wrong, so with my Wunna charm, warmly apologise, from the bottom of my fake heart ๐Ÿ™‚ and assure her that I would move my car immediately and that there would be no more illegal parking on her very PRIVATE road. She wanted a fight because after I did my smiley, neon, very well manicured answer..filled with love…she said, ‘Yes, I appreciate your apology however this is a PRIVATE road and that is not the point, I…’

All of a sudden the nursery nurses, who are wonderful human’s who care for our children arrive at work, get out of their cars and slowly peer on to see what is occurring…and instead of the blond oldie continuing her fight with me (because I’m being far too poshy- nicey pants for her and far too apologetic to have a good old, raggy fisticuffs with)…. she turns on THEM (hahaha) and begins to newly bollock the new faces on the private road. Pahaha. I think she blamed them for ENCOURAGING parents like myself to park on her private property. ๐Ÿ™‚ Jesus!

I do the honorable, neon thing and take FULL responsibility for my actions saying ‘It’s not their fault really, its my fault, i’ve just decided to park here…it’s my fault.’ She wasn’t having any of it. I must have said it a million times. The funny thing is the nursery carers are feisty (which I like, I don’t want walkovers looking after my child, I adore feisty woman who stand up for their tights…tights? I mean rights.) Anyway, they begin to tell her how wrong she is for accusing them of encouraging such behaviour….

It goes on a for a little bit, and more parents are now pulling up in grey Range Rovers and other fancy numbers, as we’re all getting bollocked…then Ruby decides that she is now going to walk into nursery ‘like a good girl’ and there you have it…that was that!

I enjoy that everyone seemed to have my back even though I was mightily in the wrong. I mean the Dad that pulled up after me even said, ‘Why would she even live there if she wants privacy. It’s by a busy school, a road and ย a nursery??’ I love that! The parents of the nursery want her to MOVE and relocate, just so we can conveniently and quite illegally park our posh cars for drop offs. We’re ACE!

I felt like ‘Gaby’ on Desperate Housewives on the episode where she has ‘Wanita’ school parking drama. So today on July 24th 2013, i’ve managed to get everyone done, everyone angry, the authorities reported to probably…and well all in neon and before 8am. ๐Ÿ™‚ Some people birth Kings (Well done Kate & Wills, the 3rd in line to the throne has ventured out of a very lovely vagina and become all ROYAL and’ future’… as of yesterday! Imagine birthing a KING, it makes the pain worth it) and well then there’s me…I park on private roads and get bollocked with two year olds and in neon, then bring everyone else into it by accident, out of my own poor judgement and the old blond finally managing to have the guts to yell at me. Life really is TOO SHORT. It’s not like she was going anywhere or that I was going to park there ALL DAY. I was doing a nursery run DROP OFF…and she was probably going to spend her day drinking cups of tea, listening to Mozart, and knitting posh tea cozies for Britain.

I do blame myself, but I could blame RUBES. We’re meant to be a TEAM here, not a’ get Mummy caught and done,’ bit of shindig. I need a quick, breezy, happy nursery walk in, so no ladies can ‘get me’ in the process.

The funny thing is, when we finally got into nursery, Alice…one of the other carers of our children (again hilarious, beautiful and lovely) said she had run over the lady’s recycling bin! Pahahah! I do enjoy Badsworth drama. People get cut in Hackney. Recycling bins get wheeled over in Badsworth.

Anyway, all is well, i’m interviewing, getting back to work, thoroughly enjoying my husband, (we’re really happy right now and i feel really quite lucky to have him, even though I accused him of not fancying me yesterday and I don’t want him to keep working away ๐Ÿ™‚ ) His van keys might go missing again tomorrow when he has to leave. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Oh..and he solved the key issue yesterday by hiring a man to come sort it out in 10 mins, cut him another key and take ยฃ180 off him.) I’ve noticed that if I just adore Keiran, he gets all happy and adores me right back. Simples. I only accused him of not fancying me because I know that he does. I’m sick like that. If i really thought he didn’t, i would never say out loud and instead manipulate him into fancying me. ๐Ÿ™‚

Life is good, we’re meant to be back to sunny today, so grab those back yard bikini’s.

Enjoy, love, live!

Hilarious, I’ve just gone up to Keiran, after moisturizing my bum between blog paragraphs to give him a cuddle. He smiled and moaned about his work load and how he wants more ‘him’ time- ‘fun’ time. I cuddled him, (arms around his neck, on the stairs) and said, ‘nooo, you mean time for ME. There’s no him time and my time, just US TIME, because we’re two halves of a whole, making one big bundle of love.’ He smirked at me with hearts in his eyes. (He loves all that and loves that i’m far more expressive now. Keiran’s quite couple-fest, so the more we can do together the better for him.) ย Then after mildly agreeing and after my large declaration of utter, ‘we are one’ love…just says, (in a baby voice) ‘WORK TIME,’ and goes back upstairs to the office. LOL. I’m THAT charming. (He even said that he’d turned my old blond lady bollocking into business and state that he would do her security and clamp me every morning. ๐Ÿ™‚ AS if, nice try. If that happened my fine would be coming out of HIS wallet.)




Happy, Happy, Stress Keys



It feels SO GOOD to have my hubby back home. He wandered off for a wee bit to tend to ‘working hard,’ but when I our gate creak open and I ran to peek outside the upstairs window…there he was….like my little vision of love-fest….my hubby…BACK…and the world was a safer place. I was happy, Ruby (who had stayed up specifically to see him) was happy, Junior was happy and well this morning when we ALL did the nursery run together, Ruby turned around at that same gate with the biggest smile on her face and said, ‘Mummy AND Daddy,’ and to me that moment said it all. No-one loves family more than we love family. [He’s back. I can breathe.]

Everything’s just been perfect. I spend the whole of Sunday at Meadowhall having the best time ever with my Mum, Dad, and baby brother. I certainly need millions in order to quench my thirst of desire, yet i got what I needed and strutted onward to the next store for another *swipe.* ๐Ÿ™‚ (Of a card and not of a product. Lol. Just to clarify.)

The children we’re both unsettled in their sleep last night and i think it was because of change. The routine in their lives changes a lot and that’s why I hope for stability and dreams come true, simply because they need routine, every needs routine, even if they say they despise it. In the words of Russell Brand ‘madness needs to be punctuated.’ However, today when we pick them both up (yes they both went today, Junior’s started nursery..his first day and because he’s having to bond with his nursery nurse before I totter back to work) they’ll be over the moon to have Daddy back and the family restored. I don’t know why it means so much to me, maybe because I feel responsible for the break up of stability for Ruby. Luckily, it was accidentally corrected and made right by Cupid, who delivered Keiran to safe guard us and our hearts with muscle, love and a decent hair cut. (Thank God, I hate guys with shit hair. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

All was perfect and dreamy until this morning Keiran then decided to LOSE HIS ย KEYS and lose them via the dramatic art of placing them upon the top of the Mercedes, whilst strapping Junior into the backseat, reminding himself to get them…forgetting to get them..and then well…as the story goes, I began driving off with his keys on top of my car. ๐Ÿ™‚


After nursery we even made the journey juicy by making a trip into town to gather important goods and run errands, just to well and truly lose the keys. He fancied me today too…he kept looking at me bizarrely and then he couldn’t contain himself and said, ‘how come you’re dressed like that…’ ( I looked posh sexy….with those black rimmed secretary specs on that I have for fun.) I smiled whilst driving and losing his keys and simply replied, ‘I’m just trying to get back to how I was..that’s all.’ *Naughty smile back…his heart pounds.*

We did breakfast, we did coffee, he then commented on how great I looked, but firstly after stating that I only where stuff like I was wearing simply to get whatever I want. Pahaha! This morning when I was getting ready, i truly wasn’t thinking, ‘Oooh today’s outfit is to get what i want, with specs and boobies.’ I really did just throw a number on. I’m a glamour puss, who now isn’t preggo. My old clothes have come out to play again. Most things I have are delicious, meaning a ‘throw on’ is usually something suggested, fun, whorey, or glammy. ๐Ÿ™‚

All was peaceful, brilliant and perfect. ย I EVEN DROVE.

Got home, realized he lost his keys. He was reminded via flash back which is always the worst. In the exact same spot where he told himself to remember, he kicked himself with a ‘shit they’re gone.’ We got really stressed and ended up slow driving half our route again, in a mad search. HE THEN redid the route running. It filled me up with drama and poured me over with stress balls. That work van is a bastard. It has cost him so much money in drama.

We still don’t have them, but it’s getting sorted.

I’ve just had a nap and enjoyed nightmares. Lol. Jeepers.

On the work front, I’m trying hard to find my perfect position. I’ve been offered one and hopefully interviewing for more. Please keep ya fingers crossed for me. I just want that ONE GOOD SALARIED job that I simply can’t help but adore. That too is stressful…but all you can do is work your arse off and look up to the skies with hope. No good emails yet. ๐Ÿ™ *Breathe*


Must trot.

C x


Summer Flings and Postcards


It’s Day 11 of the delicious British heatwave, I thank you very much! Who said we were miserable, grey, pastey skinned beings of stiff upper lip! (Well, i’m lucky enough to never be that, simply because i’m dipped in the pool of exotic. Yeah…I’m a child of two immigrants, which people tend to argue a lot about these days. But my parent immigrants did pretty god darn welly for themselves, probably better than some of their ‘originally from Britain’ counterparts, meaning they could birth a Brit…yet in luxury…and well there’s no grey, miserable, pastey on these legs, honey child! ) But yes, my point is, we’re enjoying the sun, we are celebrating tan lines, we’re throwing caution to the wind and whopping out our booty shorts and we all might be a bit sweaty, yet we’re feeling mighty sexy! We are officially having a heatwave baby! There’s shimmies in our ta-ta’s and electric slides struts. We’re umbrella drinks at their finest…and well it’s rubbish for anyone who’s booked a holiday during this time. Now I don’t feel bad for all those that grabbed a last minute Portugal trip. #inyourface ๐Ÿ™‚

Life is great! The kids are a delight. Ruby is thoroughly thoroughly enjoying the Summer. She’s a maniac for it. I watched her at nursery yesterday when I went to do the pick up and she was bossing everyone around, in her frilly little sand stained dress, booty dancing, gleefully galloping, singing, playing and laughing out loud to the utter sound of happiness…level crazy. She’s brown as hell right now and simply because she’s the kinda girl who could stand in the shade for 4 seconds and look like she’s Lenny Henry. (She’s part Caribbean and Asian, the most ethic baby in town…hence the mad accidental speed tan. I love it because she stands there moaning for a juice, simply to get her breath back.) ย When you’re a mum, their happiness sort of makes you feel all wiggly inside. But when you’re a child impressing your parents becomes something that you really want to achieve. My kids better engrave that in their glitzy little, nappy filled systems. I’m impressed right now, with Junior sleeping through the night, coping with me wheeling him around and dealing with Baby Ruby bullying him and impressed with how chatty and how clever Ruby has accidentally become. I have ace kids and well lets just hope they keep it up through life…and adore me.

Keiran’s still away and it’s awful because not only am I missing him but he’s missing out on all the Summer family fun. He’s missing all the back garden memories you makes of yourself as a child, in the paddling pool, sand pits, running around dropping ice creams and enjoying life. I’m certainly appreciating mummy hood a great deal more. Yeah i’m shattered, but that’s just how it is. I’m SO lucky to have the life I have beautiful children, a good hubby and freedom. I’ve finally got my act together and I’m so chipper right now that i don’t think I would care to change anything at all. It’s perfect. Simple and perfect! I have created my own delicious world of WUNNA!

What was I gonna ramble on about today? I dunno now? I’ve been busy with interviews and work phone appointments and lord knows what. I’ve in talks with top PR firms and making ridiculous postcards to win free holidays to Marbella. I don’t think i’d even like to go to Marbs, as it seems far too party island for me. I’m more of a luxury girl. But anything for a freebie and a bit of fun trying to win it, is enough to foolish entice me away from work. I enjoy a distraction, so thank you Volvic Tropical Flavour and your postcard comp. Oh and thank you @emilywoodcock as I only got distracted after seeing your entry on my FB newsfeed. (Poor Keiran, I make a fool of him at all times without his permission and enter him in all sorts. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m use to being a fool, so i’m numb to the pain of it all. #wifeaward)

Today, i’ve decided that brunettes should just BE brunettes. Why are you all dying your hair blond? There’s nothing sexier than a bit of dark haired vixen. Stop streaking the mane with straggly bit of blond and embrace your luscious dark locks and flaunt it. I like blonds to be blonds and brunettes to be brunettes. There you go! Now the worlds a safer place and i’ve organized the earth ball with a wink and a natural hair colour.

I had to take an online assessment yesterday morning and I could only do it during a set of specific hours. I only had 4 mins to complete each section, which is shit when you have a 2 yr old sat next to you pressing all the buttons on your pink laptop. RUBY was happily answering half of the questions for me, without my permission and when I wasn’t looking. I failed it. I must have. They now think I believe the opposite to ‘happy‘ is ‘ foolish’ and that 74+7= e9yhee8**4GF@~;^%USยฃยฃ$. Lord have mercy. Thanks Rubes. Online assessments my arse. It’s just funny. I crack myself up. WHAT IS MY LIFE! Then all she could say after the moment was ‘Mum i’ve pooed.’ Cheers!

Anyway i hope all you singletons are enjoying your Summer flings. My life used to be a series of flings…I did every season though, it just felt like Summer because it’s a heatwave everyday in Hollywood. Summer is all about flings and it’s kinda hard to snag a ‘forever’ during this time. Therefore if you can’t beat it join it. In the words of 90210 ‘When the going gets tough..the tough get into bikinis.’ Yeah Baby. (You fools.) For those of you who are attached, your meant to be enjoying the Summer with your other half. I can’t because HE’S always away which is pretty annoying and somewhat careless when you have a newborn. ๐Ÿ™‚ Boys will be boys. I won’t *yawn* you about it. I’m not a misery ball however. I’m disco arm happy. How can you be all frowny in this weather. I can hardly be bothered to blog due to the sunny sun.

I don’t think any girl should take a guy seriously during this season…especially ย if on holiday. Once the sun and the fruity cocktails and the tan beams have gone, the Autumn version of your relationship is never as glam. It’s almost depressing..and woolly hatted. Eww!

It’s the time when all girls realize that he isn’t what they thought after all and where all boys boast about bonking you in the sand to their mates, by whopping out that ONE GOOD picture of you. They always find that ONE GOOD picture and if their mate sees a dodgy picture, they always try to cover it up with excuses for you. I’ve seen it happen millions of times. Keiran even does it with me.

I can’t be bothered to be a slave to cyberland right now. It’s far too delightful outside.

I’m off.

Enjoy! x

Keeping it Horizontal



Good morning my fabulous twinklets of ‘Yeah baby.’ I’ve been up since 4.32am, so bare with me. I’m coffeed up to the max (I now drink coffee through a straw so my teeth don’t get stained ๐Ÿ™‚ ) ย and even though i’m supposed to be kitty sleeping, when Baby Junior decides to take a kip, a nap, a little snoozerella, it seems during those moments of essential rest time, my mind rebels to the thought of peace and I find myself doing everything I can in order to stay busy. I’m my own best friend and my own worst enemy all at the same time. Yippeee! Splenda Margaritas for everyone! (I don’t do ‘sugar’ anymore either. I’ve reverted back to my Hollywood days and only using Splenda.)

In my last blog I was moaning about life, the way I do when I’m adorning my bratty hat and so since then and after watching a documentary that changed my thought process, reading a text that mirrored my actions and receiving wise words from the Great Wunna before me, I learnt to be absolutely grateful for all that I am and all that I have in my life. (I’m a bitch with my hormones because they rule my sensitivity like a wild fire in the forest, streaming across lands of time swiftly, madly, but swirled in glitter and in stilettos.) My hubby came back Monday evening at 7.30pm and even though I was bratty at first…it ended up being wonderful, as he came for a yummy cuddle and assured me that everything was going to be alright.

We’re in our bubble of ‘fairytale.’ Infact, I speak of the bubble like it’s a place we enter and exit, but we don’t. We’re always in it. Yet we forget at times and also start forgetting that we’re safe in there. Lol. Keiran’s been nothing short of lovely and i’ve noticed how much he’s changed and adapted in order to make me smile. He loves me with everything that he is and is a man who wants to make the object of his affection feel on top of the world, like she’s the luckiest girl in the world. He wants success, the best of everything and has an idealistic view on love.

I’ve sort of stretched him (not like that ๐Ÿ˜‰ )…but pushed him in order to bring out the best in him, or just in order to have a strop. Then once he’s done his absolute best, I tell him that he needs to go that little bit further, which all men read as ‘i’m not good enough.’ It’s not really a fair manner is it? I don’t know why I expect so much from him. I think it’s because he’s filled with potential and well…I see a wife role as not just sitting behind the side lines and cheerily clapping, but being able to bring out the best in your man and pushing him to be all that he can…then clapping.

Keiran currently tries to do everything he can for our new little family. He’s always been romantic, yet has come on miles from his ‘party-party’ days, in order to be a man and set an example for his son, show little Ruby what a decent gent is made of and well show me that he is all I could ever wish for. Yet, he is all I could ever wish for, infact all of the above ย without evening trying and I know that because no matter how hard you push someone, if that manner isn’t NATURALLY sprinkled or grained in their system, flowing through their blood…they just can’t do it. He IS the best man, the best father and WILL BE the success that he wants to be. I like to push him both mentally and emotionally because I feel like during the initial part of our relationship, he was letting HIMSELF down..and he’s not that. He’s A WARRIOR and great women make an impact on a man’s life. (I mean look at the Mexican guy i dated. he inboxed me to apologize for being a dick and then thank me for all that I apparently taught him about himself and life and the meaning of self worth.)

These days, Keiran is lovely. Fully lovely. Not half lovely. I’m just the kind of kitten who needs to be told and shown how much i’m adored constantly. If i’m not, i get all narky, mixed in with hormones and turn into a nuisance because i’ve been hurt. Meaning i’m a great deal more sensitive than I ever knew!! My Hubby is usually good ta showering me with affection. Yet of recent due to stress and well me barking at him he’s been lost.

In my last blog, I said we were all ‘beige,’ and ‘beige’ was something that I had to get used to. In this blog, I can tell you that we’re not at all ‘beige’…we’re that fiery red hot poker beam and simply based upon our connection. I’ve missed him and well it’s sad when Ruby, Junior and I are enjoying Saturday Summer mornings in the garden, loving ‘family life’ and without a single stress in the world. If anything, I have the best hand dealt, as he’s having to work 12 hour shifts on no sleep, then when he does get to rest kip on a chair in the back of his van, nowhere near the girl of his dreams and nowhere near his little girl or newborn son.

Fuck beige! We’re gleaming baby, yeah-yeah! I think my recent jiggery pokkery has made him feel unbalanced and when men feel unbalanced they close off, or rebel. When women feel under cherished, even if we’ve made it up in our own heads, we nuisance. He thought I had been sending out mixed messages to him, but now he gets how much love i have for him…so we’re back to being trooper strong. He’s getting there, I mean he is still slightly closed off, as he used to be so filled with outspoken affection, that was bursting out of his seams for me. It’s a lot of stress being a guy and he’s the kinda guy that needs love and needs me to love him in a ‘picture perfect’ manner. We’re both sort of idealistic and have high expectations of one another. I complicate everything in order to make it feel ‘busy,’ even though I KNOW it’s the simple things in life that matter. Yet since being pregnant and having to do ‘not much’ for the last year, I’ve kinda yearned for things to be ‘busy’ out of utter boredom. So i’ve kicked sand in his face to feel ‘life’ and feel alive.

Now, that I get it…i’m okay once more.

Yesterday all was back to normal. We enjoyed our children. Bathed in the sun. Loved each other. It was simple and perfect. I went on my buggy work out TWICE, he went to the gym with the boys. Life was calm.

This morning however was mayhem. I’m now used to doing the night shit with the newborn. My body just understands that it gets up through the night and then fully at 5am. I’m not even miserable about it. It just happens. However, this morning Baby Junior was pooing for England at 4am, Ruby was being a lollipop, after we were making an RSVP for her friend Edward who’s birthday it is next month, (her RSVP is a giant swirl lollipop, with a tag attached to it saying ‘I’ll be there. Ruby.’ It’s a cuter way to tell someone you’ll celebrate their ‘another year older,’ moment, Keiran was showering and packing to leave and well I was crazily bleeding like a man woman! This was all before 6am.

Junior was crying so I went to tend to his every wimper, I suddenly realized I was in a pool of blood, that my shorts we’re soaked in and when I ran to the loo, blood was gushing out of my ‘lady part,’ had covered a pad I was wearing, and giant sized clots the size of gooey golf balls we’re slopping out of me. They were so big I could actually FEEL them coming out. It felt like a mouse crawling out of my vagina.

I immediately alerted Keiran at 4.45am ๐Ÿ™‚ (who was receiving an emergency work call,) and well he just stood there and glared at the mess of it all. The positively stated, after I insisted that I was dying, that all would be okay.

Don’t worry…it is. Apparently, it’s my first period after child birth and my last big out pour before getting back to normal. Erm…my arse it’s a period. Moses could’ve parted the God Damn thing!! ย I had a smear yesterday, which stimulated the madness. I hate smears. I do not want anymore people shoving things that shouldn’t be in my vagina…well….into my vagina. I’ve had enough!! Yesterday the GP whopped out a fricking metal CLAMP. A CLAMP! Then wedged it in me, to wedge things open, to then take ย a ‘now wedged’ swab. I’m bleeding like i’ve been eaten by bears, or savaged by angry midgets!!

Luckily after today, it’ll be over. I’m on bed rest and i’ve been told to remain horizontal. (I’ve already been tottering all over the place mixing bowls of chilli, doing the washing, rebelling in any way I can in a vertical fashion.) But it sucks that I can’t get my groove on and gallop through my buggy workout today! I’ve gotten really into now and well the bleeding has caused it to ‘pause button.’ ๐Ÿ™

I’ve noticed that on my walks all the Grandads around Ackworth say ‘hello’ as you pass them and it’s lovely. It takes you right back into the olden days where people were much nicer, more open, more secure and therefore friendly. They warmly welcomed you into their life with open arms and a jelly heart. These days everyone keeps themselves to themselves out of utter fear, selfishness and insecurity. Men have become a lot more ‘fronty,’ as they feel that without that fabulous income or a streak of complete success they aren’t much to anyone. OR they’re just less classy than the gents of ย olden times. They’re more, ‘I’m not sharing my can of Stella with you, you slag,’ instead of tipping their hat to you in the sunshine our of respect, goodness and just basic cheeriness. AND with a ‘hello’ that isn’t suggestive.

Women have just become a great more insecure over time. I don’t even need to list the reason’s why…and mainly because I can’t be bothered. Yay!

Anyway, i’m gonna end it on a good note and tell you all to truly appreciate the people you have in your life, your troopers, the people you love…I’m filled with love today, so i might as well spread the joy. It’s not like I can do anything else. I’m fricking horizontal.



Drag Queens, Beige and Hot Joggers


Oh my dolly doo-daa’s! So, i’ve just got back from my morning buggy work out. It went better today and simply because I was in booty shorts, meaning that I felt sexier. Its not the fact that I was simply adorning ‘hardly any’ clothes that put a smile in my little pot of sizzle. Yet more the fact that if I can actually see the sun, look through my pile of ‘what to wears’ (and I’m untidy, so they’re all just heaped in a bundle of glittery creativity,) pull out a pair of booty shorts and think ‘yes,’ then darling’s we have victory. I’m back to feeling Glamour Puss.

So, there you have it, ย the simple art of f being able to take part in the dance of ‘look at me’ that we call the art of the ‘booty short’ made me feel sexy. I don’t even feel too fat anymore. (There’s chub..but now i’m feel like i’m getting there.) I have my ‘ooh laa’ back and i’m gathering it in arm scoopfuls, so I can save it for a rainy day when I feel like ย rum and I don’t have any. it wasn’t just the booty shorts that made my morning work out worth it. The odd whistle from a truck driver, holla from a bike boy, wave from a Grandad, or even the few ‘wow you’ve lost your baby weight fast,’ from the ladies…all summoned my ‘ooh laa’ back to function.

I feel great today and it’s all because of the sun..and the fit jogger who was actually handsome in Ackworth today. I’m quite picky with what I like to see in a man and usually when i’m out and about, doing life around Ponty, there is a distinct lack of totty.. that fit my label of ‘eye candy.’ Today, the young, handsome, Josh Duhamel jogging lookalike was fit! He even stopped to have a water break, whilst I was feeding Junior (with a bottle and not with my breast, as that would be creepy) and made polite conversation with me before asking where I lived and whether I was seeing anyone? Quick mover. I told him I was married and had just had a baby…and that I have a two year old little girl also. (Haha..hardly the best answer for the guy to hear.) He smiled, stated that if my daughter looked anything like me, then she was beautiful. *Line.* *Score.* Then I said ‘I better get off now and get the baby out of the sun,’ and I began walking. Then I told him that he was ruining my ‘buggy work out.’ So, with a ‘Yeah okay,’ he threw in a ‘…. hopefully i’ll see you again’ and after telling me that he had just moved ‘up the street,’ he jogged off and onward to his next bit of life. So, there you go ladies, hot boys around this area DO exist. He’s single, he’s jogging, so snatch him up girls…as he’s certainly someone’s future. Maybe yours?

So yeah…all that made me feel sexy this morning. I’m much better now and far less frustrated and maybe because Keiran’s been away, the children have been lovely, the sun has been out and i’ve had time to myself and in that time the i’ve been able to do whatever I’ve wanted!! Hurrah! I’ve felt free. The hubby gets back later on in the evening. I don’t know when, because he never tells me times (I mentioned that in an earlier blog.) But he’s still on ‘hold’ because he’s only back for a day and then off on his ‘work’ adventures again. I can’t get overly excited about a ‘stop off.’ It’s like a one night stand…only good when drunk and completely pointless at all other times. Life is has been so calm, filled with peace and love over the last week. Hopefully no drama will occur within the next evening and full day! Ugh! But i’m learning. I’ve learnt to just play ‘lovely’ and told actually moan to him because his ears don’t like to hear it. I already know what his arrival protocol will be, he’ll walk through the door, eye up the situation, then burst into ‘super happy,’ as he runs over to pick up Junior and adore him. If Ruby’s home, he too will gallop around with Rubes. Then he’ll go to kiss me and mention that he’s missed me..state how tired he is, how hot the weather’s been, then state how tired he is once again, how he’s injured something and how he has ‘sooooo much work to do/soooooooo sooooo much work to do.’ Then he’ll go upstairs after a brief break, beging organizing things and moving stuff into the living room and start doing work in the office…after maybe saying that he’s hungry. That’ll be it. Predictable. In fact so predictable that I simply see it as his ‘whirl’ in and upward. I don’t even pay attention to what he’s saying. I should actually mark him out of 10 on it. Then I’ll put the children to bed and go to sleep, leaving him on his own, when he’s about ready to chill with me downstairs.

I need to be more excited about his ‘stop off’ don’t i? I wonder why I’m not? I’m not displeased. I’m happy but because i’ve been the feeling has lingered and infused through my system. Yet, if I could describe it in a colour it would be ‘beige’ and I have no idea why? My mum says it’s always better to feel ‘beige,’ in these situations because in the past with relationships, whenever i’ve felt ‘passion red,’ it’s never ended well for me, even though at the time my world was flourishing with ‘non stop’ jazz hands of happiness. I’m learning to appreciate the feeling of ‘beige’ and refrain from barking on a troublesome adventure of excitement, when ‘beige’ occurs. I just think that when someone does something more and more you become immune to it. So when he’s away, i’m now so used to it, that the excitement of him getting home from that trip away no longer exists…it’s the norm. *Add wine here.* I’m saying this now, but as soon as he swaggers in, my heart will skip a jolly beat and I’ll be all ‘dolly love you,’ again. I have missed him. I love him. ย My pride and ego just likes to make like it’s mad at him. His too.. ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway, other than all that, I still know my life is grand simply because in my inbox last night I read a subject heading saying, ‘Drag Queen Bingo Night.’ Thank God, I still have my sanity. ๐Ÿ™‚ I was beginning to think the old me was drunk dancing in a never ending conga line somewhere, never to be seen again. But then the ‘Drag Queen Bingo’ alert reminded me that my life is still actually fabulous. I’m not going ofcourse, because i’m appreciating ‘beige’ and all that kahuna. (Haha..i’m getting a flash back of being at a KU bar in Soho, downstairs in the club part, going to the toilet quietly, due to there being a Drag Queen vocalist on, then when I had completed my pee-fest, dolling up, tottering out, slipping on GOD KNOWS WHAT and falling into her entire act. HAHAHAHA. Like actually on my bum falling. Most people would find that funny, right? But the drag queen thought i was trying to make fun of her and sabbotage her performance. LOL. I almost got beaten up…by a man in a wig…in London. (The Drag Queens in LA love me. The London ones…not so much.) The guy that I was dating at the time failed to come to my rescue and instead at in a corner pissing himself. He laughed so hard, he cried. It was hilarious. Then I dusted myself off, realized KU bar was not working for me anymore and went to Pre-Bar for blue drinks with my gays.

Okay, I must love you and leave you because Junior’s asleep and I want to grab some sun during his 40 winkies. I spent the entire morning chasing Ruby around the house, telling her that she couldn’t go to nursery dressed as a fairy. My baby newborn actually slept through the entire night, yet Rubes decided to SCREAM EVERY HOUR due to nightmares about Lord knows what? We were all up at 5am this morning because of this ‘hoo-haa.’ No wonder I’m losing weight fast. My body is living off coffee, without the time to refuel with food. I adore Rubes madly, yet each day is another day where she pulls the rug from under me, we chase, I manipulate her…but then she wins.


(The moment I lied and told her she could go as a fairy.)

Wunna land is manic, but I love it, I do. (One of my ex-husbands is currently Facebooking me. The Mexican one. He’s telling me that he’s broken up with his long term girlfriend because he found out ย she used to be a hooker, or something? Hence the inbox. Boys always reach out to The Wunna, because they always think i’m the ‘one they lost. The reason…because i’m a pain and men love pains. It makes the ‘man’ in them have to work hard for love, so even though they moan…they sort of seep down love it. ๐Ÿ™‚ Not really. I’m an awesome wife. Honest! Pahaha.

C x