Month: April 2011

Okay, 8.01 am I stepped off a cold, gray platform, (after getting up at 5.55am) onto a Grand Central train destined to venture me to Kings Cross for around 10.05am. I found myself waiting at the train station half and hour early after insisting that it would take me at least 20 minutes to totter in 10 inch heels, to a Pontefract Monkhill station, which seemed to only be 5 minutes away to others. I began my leopard print, over lippied *totter* (big hair, big lashes, sitll with mild baby weight buldge) at 7.30am. I got there at 7.34am. 🙂 I’m officially an idiot. Yet i’m cleverly disguised as ‘fucking idiot.’ I mean, yeah I was half an hour early, stood by a guy who insisted on talking to me about churches, (I can’t enter a church without bursting into flames) and in an ‘only twats wear leopard print-even if it’s grey, at 7am’ outfit. However, the hottest bit of dreamy muscle-fest did decided to stand next to me under the lonely platform shelter. Therefore it was all totally worth it. It’s only a tiny station ‘Monkhill’, therefore the hot guy, me and the old church man, were the only ones stood on Platform 2. Unfortunately for us Platfrom 1 was ram packed FILLED with other lovelies, who intended to jolly off to Leeds. They glared at the hot boy, old church man and Floozy in leopard print and wished we didn’t exist. I did what any decent girl would do and lipgloss.

I had a bacon sarnie, a coffee and wished a gentleman really didn’t sit next to me ALL the way to London. I had to do that thing where you deliberately put your giant bag on the seat next to you and look forward and a bit moody, so no-one will dare to sit next to you. (I enjoy how tragic my proceedure of thought is!) Anyway, and ofcourse that certain gent did the polite, ‘is anyone sitting here?’ (UGH! Yes! MY GIANT BAG!!!) Therefore with the most charming and most polite manner of gentleness, I enthusiastically performed the ‘oh nooo, ofcourse you can sit here sir’ (Quickly moved my bag to the floor, like I was some grateful scurrying mouse of pity) that you feel you kinda have to perfomr when forced into such a moment. And there he was….. for two whole hours. My too big for his seat, ‘train buddy.’ I hate it when that happens because i then can’t turn my train table into a beauty parlour or eat my bacon sarnie properly without feeling crammed. You can’t cram a Glamour Puss. I then had to look out the window the whole entire time and simply so he didn’t dare to talk to me. There WERE OTHER seats!! We got to Kings Cross. Busy Much! I ventured into town to find me a little reality tv lurvage.

Okay, i’m dead supersticious and all that pokery therefore I don’t want to jinx it all by telling you all the gossip. But I had a girly giggle with a Blond named Lisa and a girl who found me aimlessly tottering around soho, trying to make sure people didn’t think i give ‘happy endings..’ on any level of the phrase really. 🙂 Flicked through a few magazines. Talked about the Royal Wedding. Then after squizzing from side to side slowly in an all white office at the head of a conference table with a ‘Hello boys…’ Thompy, Jonathan and I (I’ve worked with them both before on the ‘BBF’  show and ‘Peaches’ and yeah I really do think we make the perfect team of production,) went for a bit of lunch and more talking took place.

Not sure where we ended up, but it was asian lovely and there was sake, as we puzzled and muddled our way through concepts, ideas, stunts, controversy and jungle curry. We went through the ‘how, where’s and why’s’ of the situation a and I think maybe came up with a plan. Regardless I strongly believe in the Wunna Power and that bit of *wiggle-wink* i have, so with a lot of perfect planning, that looks flawlessly accidental, we’ll have a hit! I’m on it and there’s no given in.

Then I think we talked about preggo-porn between mouthfuls, how I apparently ‘always deliver’ (be it babies or reality telly fodder. 🙂 ) Then we moaned about babies, how hard everything was and how I have a rather uncoventional way of raising my bambino. (Who is a star in the making by the way. Thank GOD! I’m die otherwise. 🙂 ) We walked back to the office. Talked about M& M’s, massage parlours, broken lifts, cuddled and I left with a task. I guess it’s a process of convincing all the right people to believe in you.

[My mum’s trying to put Ruby down for her afternoon nap. However, whenever Ruby drifts off, we label it as her  ‘giving in’…poor thing. LOL. Then she trumps, wants her accessories..THANK GOD…and i pretend that she misses her Dad. Ruby doesn’t miss either of us. I think she can’t wait ’til she’s older and can move out.]

Anyway, i’ve danced around the reality telly subject quite nicely and therefore now all will go purrfectly. Next week i’m emailing my little piece of ‘wordy genius’ to Thompy for examination. If you believe hard enough everyone just goes along with it, coz they can’t be arsed to think. 🙂 We’re gonna make a HIT! I’m determind to. Y’know when you’re just onto a winner. I’m one that bus. (I have great boobs today.)

Ah shit, i forgot Pete’s gonna come home all moody today and ignore me for being evil to him earlier and I don’t even have wine. Great! Why do I always get myself into these dramatical moments of tragedy? Every girl knows…check there’s bought boozer first, before you start winding him up!

Pete is pissing Me off!!!! I mean, I need to be *glitter spritzed* promptly in order to calm my divine kitty cat self. Last night we were all fine and lovey dovey. He was perky, happy and now that I relook at it the situation, it was simply because he had Me ALL to himself. I mean, I flippin’ spent the whole of yesterday wallowing around, doing nothing in my pyjamas all day, which is fine when you need a bit of a break and the Royals are getting wed and all that shimmie. But that is frickin’ over now. We can get back to life and swiftly. I’m not a lounge around kinda girl, i bring life, magical chaos and lippy stained laughter to everything. I believe dreams come true and that standing up for what you believe in is a crucial part to your existance…with party poppers and boobies!

The fact that Pete liked the fact that we chaved it up yesterday. Y’know, slobbed around and did nothing all day Yet would prefer that our life be all lazy and lived upon a living room mattress, makes me GIPPY! No-one wonder i’ve danced through life deliciously and well he’s done pants! *Crusty Ones.*We’re two completely different people! I’m a Glamour puss of wink-factory, ambition and fun and he’s a boy who’s dependant on what others think of him, dis-organized and lost. Don’t get me wrong. He aspires for wonderful things. However weirdly believes that it should just get given to him. I don’t like men like that, unless they’re okay with signing up to me my ‘bitch.’ I just want to give him a shake. I mean, i have sooo much going on right now and I just need a little support, a little ‘moan-free’ help. What i don’t need is another burden to pay for and look after! (He walked out the door in a huff, after calling my mother & I idiots, to go to teach people how to drive. 🙂 I’m a sicko because i adore annoying him. ‘You Idiots!!‘ LMAO!! )

 My Mother’s a wonderful being because she’s a mum that stopped at nothing to love, and make her daughters dreams come true. My mum pushed Me as hard as she could and now i’m on a path of Greatness. I think Pete was allowed to do nothing very important with his life and get away with it?  He wants to get praised and ‘back patted’ for nothing?

Anyway, long story short (I’m mean to be writing about my London reality meeting right now, but that will have to come next) I’ve just basically lost a small bunch of money, due to my darling little Loverboy ‘obstacling‘ my path with random boy nonsense. By not helping me when I needed him to and committing to the ‘i’m a useless, can’t do anything by myself‘ boy club. Now, because in his life of utter simplicity, he has never imagined that a ‘being’ could make such a sum, let alone lose it and therefore quite openly whilst being shouted at by this Glamour Puss claimed, out of guilt, that he believed it was A LIE!!! OMG! Then told me that everythings my own fault for not being MOTIVATED enough.

WTF! I verbally went for him! *Purr here and maybe set something on fire!* Like did the laziest person I know, actually tell me that I lack MOTIVATION. I work soooo hard that  I don’t know my tits from my arse! I dally a full-time 8hr day job, come home to be a new mum, at the same time as blog, (I even have her on my knee right now, write my ‘never getting done’ book, sort out my cosmetics line, figure out the reality show and throw together marketing plans for the future of Wunna magic. He just hates the fact that I’m always doing better than him (Men always do) and well yeah he loves me, but sometimes love just isn’t enough? I think a successful relationship takes a whole lot more and I want the best for my little Baby Ruby.

The main thing I hate is that fact that he really did think I was lying and not because of the money thing. However because of the ‘i’m not given HIM the money’ thing. I’ve been stupid in the past. Yet the stupid people are the ones who NEVER LEARN. There is NO WAY in hell, that this little pussycat is funding the life of a ‘handsome.’ I’m here to work hard for ME and my tiny (but rather fit )’IT’ baby. Just because i’m not constantly talking about it or giving it to him, doesn’t mean it’s not true. I’ve found my own way in life after a giant battle through it all, in heels, heart and with rum cocktails. I’m a Hollywood girl, trying to now live a very simple life. Yet it just isn’t ME! I intend to raised my daugther the way i feel fit! There’s no jumping on board my ship when you haven’t actually worked hard to get me here!

Now, i’m worried because is it really just the same old boy problem, yet with a different face. We have love for one another. Yet i’m starting to get mad. Luckily my Mum talked to me this morning to remind me what i wanted in life and that it needed my full focus, after I was all ‘givey uppy’ and tragic. Therefore i’m gonna merrily concentrate on ME and my little Ruby. (A champion breed. 🙂 ) And well just let him get on with his hazy pussyfooting, McFumble Tango.

The positive in all of this, is the fact that this particular handsome yearns to be loved, to the point where nothing else matters but that…OH and people pleasing. (Even though i’m the person he forgets to please. 🙂 ) Unfortunately for him he chose to ‘other half ‘with ME! A kitty cat who oozes self confidence, lived a full life, already feels loved and is dipped in  glitzy ambition.

We have the most beautiful baby and really our hopeless adoration for her is happily holding us together. Ruby kinda makes us love without condition and that is the most magical gift a little ‘being’ can give. Life isn’t as easy as i thought it would be…Lol. Yet all you have to remember is to never give up no matter how many handsomes, friends, addictions or parents try to rein in your ambition. Be who YOU always wanted to BE and without feeling the need to apologise for it. If you do not stand up for what or who you are…then  you’re really wasting you existance.

Yeah Pete and I are different…yet something tells me we’re gonna be just fine! (Even though he refuses to watch ‘Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ with Me because he once, when he was 17, picked up a Gypsy girl off the street and had sex with her in a Fiat Punto. He’s all terrified that I’d blog that, incase his Mum reads it? It’s weird to me how his relationship with his parents is a process of him ‘lying about everything he does, in order to look good.’ My mum knows EVERYTHING about Me. It’s a concept of his that I fail to find productive. Imagine going through your whole entire life, without your mum knowing who you really are. #Random)

Feeling much better now i’ve blogged it out!!! *Kitty Wink* (London blog coming up!!)

My Baby Ruby!

Like everyone else, I too have just watched The Royal Wedding. I’ve been so knackered, due to long work days, being a new mum and train journey’s of travel much, that I was kinda *shocked* up this morning, with a baby attached to my chest by my ever so lovely Loverboy, with a ‘HURRY UP Chrissie, it’s about to start!!’ I’m now eating half an Easter egg that i’ve found in golden foil, after a big bottle of wine last night and crying at Khloe Kardashians wedding. (We all know, i LOVE a Wedding. I’m shit at the ‘marriage’ part. But ADORE the actual celebration of the day itself and mainly because it’s pretty much ALL ABOUT ME. I’ve had some wonderful weddings and although watching them makes me remember my little tinkle with Mikey, I just kinda think any day ‘love’ can be celebrated, then fuck it…why not! Even if it’s temporary. 🙂 Loverboy and I will be getting married soon…We’re not engaged at all. Yet we will be having ourselves a lovely big shindig, when we do.) *Actually really having a champagne toast right now, in my pyjamas. I can’t believe i actually watched the Royal Wedding, sat on a living room mattress in glasses trying to make Ruby settle the whole way through it. Ruby is NOT ONE, who likes her limelight stolen. One moment I was ‘awwing‘ at Kate, then the next I was doing a pretend donkey ride for my childs entertainment. Lol. There was actually a moment that made me realize how important the bond of marriage is. (Their ‘good image’ had been smothered upon me.) Then I snapped out of it and realized how much better they are in life than everyone else! I mean, i’m sat on a Mattress (which is in the living room because Pete and I sleep in seperate rooms. We do actually have another bedroom, but we’ve turned that into a walk in wardrobe.) And well Kate and Wills are being all Prince and New Princess-like, reminding me that I’m only a mere ‘subject’ afterall. Luckily, I love that! (Now Kate can strip off, plonk on her baby pink and zebra frilled corset, bung The Queens tiara on her head and run around half naked around the Royal walls guzzling champagne out of the bottle, screaming ‘I’M GOING TO BE THE FUCKING QUEEN!!!’) 🙂

I have actually adored it and yes especially because i’ve been granted a day off work. However Pete and I forgot to buy ANY groceries yesterday apart from booze. Therefore if nowhere’s open, we’re pretty much doomed into starvation. However it won’t be too bad, as we will be drunk! Yay!

Watching The Royal Wedding has actually made me never want to go to work ever again? Kate’s now the Ultimate Wag and that life now looks pretty great. (I’m currently being reminded that I do foolishly do things the wrong way. I marry men when they’re poor and then dump them when they’re rich and famous! Thanks for rubbing that in! I think I only love then when they NEED me…even if though i’m independant. Luckily Pete will always NEED ME, because the only thing he’s searching for in life…is love.)

Okay, you all know that I went down to London the other day to talk reality shows and well i can’t write that blog right now, due to life getting all muddley. However it will be my next blog! I guess i accidentally really have bred an ‘IT’ baby…she’s certainly set for stardom. Does that mean my whole life has simply been carefully orchestrated by The Gods in order to make Ruby’s life exactly how it’s meant to be? I’ll tell you about it later. But yeah…i’ve bred a star!

Now, i’m going to finish off the golden Easter egg and maybe do another champagne toast in between sips of cups of tea!!

Incase you missed it…

Okay, a mild percentage of Googlers found my blog today by searching the words ‘tit squeezing’ 🙂 and ‘towel paper on hospital bed stretcher.’ Now, ‘tit squeezing’ I get. I mean, i’m always going on about how one of them *honks* out a fanfare and the other one *giggles.* Yet, OMG, I feel soooo sorry for the poor lovely, who may have innocently pondered the thought of needing a desperate, last minute, paper towel supply and accidentally had ‘chrissiewunna.com’ FORCED upon them. 🙂 That’s why I kinda half adore being the ‘Chrissie Wunna’ part of the ‘dotcom,’ because like I always say, it’s one of those treasures that is accidentally discovered and once it is, like the habit you want to quit…you’re hooked! *Puts down baby just for a quick hair-toss.*

I’ve pretty much been at work all day today and yeah…i’ve felt yummy. The whole bank holiday malarky is confusing my body, as it doesn’t know whether to work or play or to pretty much commit to the art of ‘floozy?’ Yet work was alright today. I only go to socialize and wear my outfits. However, luckily i found ACE people along the way. I did my 20’s in Hollywood, where the girls & boys play the game of ‘fool ya’ every moment of every day. Then in London..and after dating a couple of very ‘user’ boys, I figured it wasn’t the place for a kitty like moir AT ALL. Therefore i’m weirdly thankful to find that  it was truely a breath of fresh air to be plonked directly amongst the most candid Yorkshire beings, that are dipped in a wee bit of Glamour puss. Normal, happy people, who are the stars of their own world. Who like me are extremely comfortable in their own bit of skin and don’t mind being a lovely dash of ridiculous, simply for the sake of humour. I’m a Lucky girl ajd I look fucking DIVINE in heels and pinstripes. (My mums trying to tell me about a headband as I write this.)

Right now, Loverboy’s making spag bol in our little kitchen. Ruby had her injections today, so is sleeping it off in flowers. (I can’t believe how much I adore Rubes. It’s bizarrely like my heart beats for her and I don’t even mean that in a cheesy weezy way. That tiny bit of Wunna..can control me with a simply smile and I’d never thought that would happen. I mean this morning she pretended awful things were happening to her and when i rushed to her rescue,  she did sneaky eyes and a giggle, with a ‘gotcha!‘ WTF! I mean, how dare she be evil in bows and zebra print. Eww!)  I cried under my quilt last night and simply because I loved her. I’m a much better mum than I thought and thank F*** for that! 🙂 *Trophy please.* (I won’t tell you that the health visitor called me at work today to tell me that I might need help and ‘someone to talk to.’ LOL. That’s just because Pete walks around making every midwife feeling sorry for him for attention. Today on his way out of the baby clinic he walked passed his ex-girlfiend…who has also just had a baby. I mean, what are the chances of that and how am i being sent to the looney bin for actually going back to work? ‘Dear Midwives, I apologise for not being a massive chav and not going back to work ever.’ How funny! I mean, how dare i want to earn as much money as possible, so that my daughther can have everything she ever wanted or needed. Lol. *Adjusts Tiara*Don’t bother trying to send me to ‘chatty mummy help groups,‘ when i’m in PR Office BARBIE pinstripes. Eww! (Pete thinks it’s now currently funny to show me our kittens erect willy?)

Anyhow, this has got to be quick  as i’ve got a lot to do and an early start tomorrow. I’m travelling down to London in the morning on an 8.01 train from Pontefract Monkhill, arriving at Kings Cross at 10.05am. I have a meeting with a couple of ‘yum yum’s’ who thankfully have wonderful taste in projects and slanted eyed Glamour Pusses  and yeah..i’m off to talk ‘reality tv.’ Without telling you anything, I will tell you that i’m excited!! How could I not! And well if all goes well (and I fricking hope it does…i’ll have to wear my best clevage,) then i’ll not only be the happiest floozy in all of the land, yet the girly that proves that having a bit of banter and balls really does work.

My blog is doing better than ever right now and even though i’m an egotistical whore at times, I do want you to know i’m grateful. Everythings done with a smile and too much eyeliner. I’m weirdly stopping and thinking right now and wondering how i’ve managed to get so many people all over this fine bubbly ball of Earth to read and follow my life? I’m loving every moment of it and well i guess it weirdly inspires. It works because it’s always here. Meaning no matter how many times you wonder in and out, the blog stil keeps on going. Plus, YOU get to be a part of it. I’m not someone who’s out of reach. Your path can accidentally cross with mine and if you touch me (inappropriately :)) the next day, your life is also documented within mine. It’s magical and brings people together. I’ve cried, lied and laughed with the best of them. But i’m a tryer..and on the path to try and make my dreams come true. (God, I can smell Pete’s spag bol and now i really fancy some. Whenever i’m on a diet he always eats fucking carbs!!!)

I’ve weirdly just noticed that i’m in awful baby pink pyjamas. (Now, i’m a mum i try to not only wear perfume to bed and instead me clothed with ‘arms’ and everything. I now must have sleeves in my choice of pj’s and simply because if i’ve tanned…i don’t want Ruby to end up with random gloops of Dale Winton on her.) Anyway, obviously my pyjamas aren’t shit because they’re baby pink. I love that part. Yet they really are shit because they are covered in cartoon sausage dogs. Now, everyone who knows me, knows my dislike for sausage dogs. Like I always say ‘Are you a dog or a fucking sausage?‘ Make ya mind up you creepy bit of ‘eww much.’ I’m terrified of them and like my own existance….i don’t know why? *Lets drink wine here.*

Okay, i’m going now, because random people are just sitting around my living room, not leaving or anything? I’m not sure what they want me to say to them..but it looks like something. Anyway, i’m going to act quite foolish in order to  speed up the ‘leaving’ process. I’ve got an early start and one of those where I dress inappropriately for 7.30am and get glared at by morning train goers, who weirdly arm themselves with laptops and not tits?

I don’t actually know what’s going to happen or be said tomorrow…yet hopefully it will be good yeah?

Magic, glitter and all that bit of *wiggle.*

Love you mucho.

Kitten…OUT!

Had ‘nookie’ today on a living room mattress, as cartoon chickens performed Tai Chi on my telly box. Loverboy, got all excited due to be kissing him with glee, after a quick trip to Nandos at Xscape in Pontefract. (I’m easily pleased.) I think, i called him ‘sexy’ twice, in a giggly girl fashion of  pure and utter innocence. (I had managed to get mildy tipsy after a sip of white wine. I know…i’m totally losing my touch.) Anyway for some reason, this made Pete all happy and excited and his crotch began to wigwham, as he attempted to wonder why I was being openly flirtatious. (Y’can tell we never have rumpy these days.) I thought I was always like that?? But I guess not.. Anyhow, long story short, it prompted a giggly, wiggly moment of him wanting a wee bit of ‘hanky panky’ whilst baby Ruby was asleep in a tiny pink Winnie the Pooh dress and bow. It actually felt quite yummy when it all got a going. I felt sexy and vixen. A little bit ‘ooh’ a little bit ‘aah.’ However, half way into it…we hear the little cries of our bambino and immediately, i’m only half involved with the hump sesh. Even though he comedically tried to convince me that she was surely just having a bad dream.

I get up and naked feed my little Glamour Puss, with her bottle…(that’s when I noticed the cartoon ninja chickens) and when she fell asleep once more, Loverboy decided we should continue our ‘moment’…even though his willy now had turned from a Liberty statue…into an..eye infection?

Anyway, we return to being all giddy and in love, with our ‘we never get a moment alone like this’ so lets bonk. And what happens…? No..Ruby doesn’t wake up. [Aaah got you going them.] Pete..aka. Loverboy..aka My little Prince Charming secretly FILMS it for a joke! FILMS IT!!! OMG!!! There’s me thinking he’s lovingly being athletic. (And I hate it when boys feel the need to bend you about like you’re some ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ reject. I’m a Glamour puss, i gently, pout and do *ooh* faces in my eyelashes with a wink. I don’t need to have my legs bent around my head. I’m 30 for crying out loud! I’ll put my back OUT, nevermind putting my back INTO it!) 🙂

But yeah, we had fun. I mean i feel like i have to put out to make him not feel rejected. Pete’s rubbish when he feels all rejected. Especially if we’re out of beer. He tells me he’s filmed it with a giggle in his eyes. Therefore being the attention whores that we are, we sit there on the edge of the mattress, completely still in the buffty and ofcourse watch it. I mean how funny. We’re both sitting there examining our *moves* being rather critical of ourselves and tilting our heads at the ‘back of the camera’ screen to get a good view. My left boobie actually looked quite good. But then i got angry because Pete was doing that thing where you try to move the video leg, so that you can get a better view of the ‘goods’…not remembering that it’s NOT REAL! He had the camera tilting about like it was a crappy hand held pinball game. Y’know, i hardly ever do anything the right way. Yet now that the Gods love me in life…they managed to get my thigh in the way of pretty much everything. 🙂

All i’m gonna say on that matter is that when the term ‘OMG, you’re using me like a bouncy castle Pete’ Is exclaimed… life couldn’t be any better. Then I took my pill, as he hit delete.

The funny thing about it all was that Loverboy didn’t film it because he wanted to see ME, delicious vixen extra-ordinaire work my ‘ooh’ faces. He just wanted to test the ‘movie mode’ on his frickin’ camera. Like he really did. With a *scroll-delete* I was gone. I don’t think i’ve ever been as offended! 🙂 Then he got all paranoid because he didn’t want me to blog it, in fear of his Mum accidentally reading it. I mean you don’t know whether you want to go ‘aww’ or call him ‘perv-tastic?’ Yet in his defense, he really did innocently want to test his ‘movie mode.’ And in my mind..that’s the problem! What a waste of my tragic sexiness.

Anyway, i’ve got to go because Ruby’s being cute and trumping in her pink frilly, whilst grunting…and Loverboy’s looking alarmed. I’ve had quite a great bank holiday really. Haven’t managed to get any of my book done today. Oopsie! My friend Gay Adam has spent the day trapped in a tree…in a forest pouting for a photoshoot and well tomorrow i’m back at work. 🙁 When you’ve had four days off, the first day back is always a draggamuffin.

Can’t wait till i’m properly rich and properly famous, so that ‘first day backs’ are simply my history.

Love you. *Wink* Keep Hydrated. *Wiggle.*

 

I’m book writing innit! The sun’s out, i’ve had the most delicious morning with my daughter. I’ve spent the majority of it rolling around on white sheets giggling with her and doing ‘ooh faces.’ Whenever i’m stressed and feeling fully spent. My little baby Ruby sort of beckons at me with her gummy smile & googly eyes, inviting Me into her world which is away from all drama and sin. I feel like we’ve lived a life together, because she doesn’t really look innocent to Me? It’s like she knows Me, inside & out and is weirdly trying to guide me through life? I’ve totally birthed a hotter, flower wearing Yoda. How ace am I! I’ve also noticed that she has quite a marvellous grip, meaning she’ll be great at snatching when she’s older. That’s a talent that most do gooders underestimate.

Anyway, i’m back to being Me and therefore with my Chattanoogas burger last night, I popped open a bottle of champagne and enjoyed it with my boy of ‘Lover-Lover.’ Writing my book makes me have to delve into my past all day long. (Which is an act i’ve never been fond of. I know, i’m always going on about how memories are all you have in the end..Yet it’s important to use your youth in order to MAKE THEM. Clinging onto your ‘misty watercolours’ prevents you from marching forward. Leave the sauntering over your past to when you’re 6o yrs in your rocking chair, knitting yourself a cardy. Or in my case…a bit of dignity…in pink. I’m HAVING  to go through my ‘back log of events’ simply because i’m Greatness and a total internet icon. 🙂 I’m getting paid to do it. If you’re not..don’t bother.)

Okay, this has got to be a quickie, as i’m trying to refrain from getting distracted. But i’m dreaming of billions, in love with ‘just life,’ feeling more confident than ever and working my ‘Va Voom.’ Lots of my chick friends are currently breaking up with their boyfriends and well if that’s happening to you, know that if you peek over your shoulder, smile, then slip on better heels, life will strut you to an even better chapter! Like i’m really proud of my workmate Lucy. Who’s really vixened her way forward and playing ‘text love’ with brand new chunka-hunka’s. That’s The Wunna way! Be lethal in a bikini and blow kisses at strangers.

I weirdly don’t care about Easter? I mean I only cared about it when I was a child and my mum would tell me the Easter bunny had come and left me chocolate. Now i’m on a diet, i seem to not give a shite at all. Lol. Holidays will only be fun to me now when Ruby grows up and I can toy with her imagination. Until then i’ll fill the moments with champagne.

Right now, i’m stress free and merry. But come Tuesday i’ll feel hidieous, as i drag my high heels into the office, OUCHY! I’ve bizarrely managed to really get everything done. The day job is going perfectly. I work amongst the most hilarious souls. My showbizzy life is dippe din *dazzle* it’s definitely on the move and all begins with the book. Loverboy and I have *high-fived* as a Team. Pete’s like a puppy…throw him a treat and he’s happy and Mummyhood is Wunnaful. Due to me having to work a lot, the time i get to spend with Rubes is amazing! We’re like this little tag team of ‘ooh laa.’ It’s important for Me as a new mum to keep life moving and to keep my work life flowing. There’s no way my little girl will ever go without. Plus who can remember being 8weeks old? *Yawn* Please! I’m not a mum who believes that all of a sudden you have to wear pleated mid-calf skirts and drink tonic water, in my Clarks between four grey coloured walls. I’m rainbow glittered and i’m all ‘go-go-go.’ I have hooch in my heels. A wiggle in mystep. I’m out and about, i’m winking and a pouting and i’m taking my baby Ruby EVERYWHERE with me. I have champagne infused evenings and dollies i’m raising a Glamour Puss. Pete and I have brought her into our life and letting her life it with us! Instead of the other way around. Now there’s no stress and because we’re never ever bored.

Pete was cute last night as he apparently didn’t realize that champagne could be guzzled at any given time ? He really thought it was only for special occasions. (Aww..) Even he’s learning fast. I currently smell of coconuts, because my tan thinks it’s Malibu and Loverboy has finally managed to make his camera know to take pictures, when you *wink.* No joke! They really can do that now! Life is grand. Don’t waste it. (I think i have a London trip this weeky!)

Happy Easter Girls & Boys!! Is it even Easter yet? I mean..i’m getting all confused now that i’m all old and delicious. Everyday’s a day of bunny girling for moi, therefore i’m not sure if we’re on Easter, it’s a holiday or Royal people are getting married to apparent chavs? I’ve meant to of been working on my book all day today, yet the sunshine got the better of me. I sat down at 7am…with my little yellow book in hand. ( I use it for notes. It’s not the equivalent to the ‘Little Black book,’ but for chinese people. Even though i’m Burmese?) I had really great intentions and then i found a really good bra, noticed how yummy they would be if flaunted, realized that i do actually have a ‘handsome’ career and new baby girl to flaunt (we’re ethnic, we look better in the sun) and went with the ‘ahh fuck it’ option, lets play! This is why i’m useless. I’m soooo easily distracted (ooh ‘The Hunks’ advert) that i’ll wander off with anyone promising me a good time. Today is was the sun? I have noticed that I haven’t at all been grumbly *fixes tiara* since i’ve skivved off. I can’t tell whether it’s because i’m on a 4 day holiday from my day job, (probably) or whether i really am happier being a lady of leisure? Who knows? All i know is that i tampered with my book writing a little, then threw on a white frilly skirt, grabbed my belongings (heels, my daughter and Loverboy) then found myself venturing off in the back of Pete’s ‘Driving school’ car, that i cannot for the life of me fit into, whilst informing my ‘handsome’ of his shite taste in music, as we did roundabouts in the sunshine around Ackworth with our child.

After collecting honey, recieving a new camera, getting licked by a dog and a diluted Ribena…we ended up at ‘Frankie & Benny’s’ for a quick quick lunch at Xscape, and found ourselves surrounded by fairground rides, minors trapped in plastic balls, ice-cream vans and people in shorts, like they were at Center Parcs. We finally get to park in the ‘Mother & Child’ spots. I don’t know why Pete enjoys this so much. But I do, simply because i don’t have to pretend i have a child that i’ve lost before quickly running into the restaurant for wine. (I had a wine today! Yippee!)

We had comedical, yet flirty banter. Pete loves it when i flirt with him. It makes him feel alive and giddy. I’m the kinda girl that he’s apparently always wanted to be with? (What a slag? 🙂 ) Then we shared bruscetta, broke bread, gobbled up Pasta (well i had salad because i’m fat and trying to loose my baby weight. I swear the last bit of it is horrendous. I feel like i have a hangy pouch of belly, that is taking donkey’s years to pull a Houdini. It’s like a loose skin… bum bag. 🙂 I will be back in tip top shape soon. I just need to stop finding myself with a kebab for dinner. RANK!)

Baby Ruby was delightful an was totally ‘cute on cue’ as per usual. My daughter in her 8th week of life, has already mastered the art of ‘it’ baby. Ruby is a diva and one moment will have you cooing at her and awwing, then the next she’ll probably have her hand in your wallet making you buy her everything…whilst trumping in bows. Luckily she’s highly social, we can taker her ANYWHERE, be it a resturant, your house, a party, a playground or a palace and she’ll merrily enjoy her pretty self without a single moan. We again, sat Baby Rubes next to us at lunch and she loved it…then slept. How properly ‘I’m a socialite & now i’m over you. Where’s my milk?‘ Much!! I love her!

I’ve actually just made it home after lunch. Loverboy when on his way to work. (After complaining about me using his last razor on my vagina. He needed it to look respectable at work. 🙂 Due to us being all flirty and  happy right now, he tells me off through laughter. I really do hope it stays this way because then i can do more things wrong and get away with it. ‘OMG! What did you use my razor on Chrissie!?!’ I’m the best person to live with EVER! 

Then Ruby went on her tour of Ultimate socialite with my Mother, after we accidentally fell asleep in the living room floor, after playing to hard. (Who am i trying to kid…she’s a baby and i’m old…we can’t take our schedule of *play* right now.) I’m meant to be writing my book all night now and i will. I’m almost done therefore i feel the pressures kinda ‘off.’ (Infact, Loverboy’s just walked through the door all huggy and kissy and filled with ‘did you miss me’s?’) Incase you didn’t know we talk to each other in baby voices most of the time. 🙂 Between baby talk, fighting and doing *wiggly* dances in our undies for Ruby, we currently are obsessed with saying ‘Do ma’ ting, lemme do ma ting!’ We usually have some kind of hip/hop phrase that it obsessively repeated. If one cannot be thought of, the quiet air is filled with smooching, competitions (we are both highly competitive with one another, he hates that i can do everything better than him with zero effort) or the phrase ‘But i’m just liiiiiIIIIiiiiddle.’ (‘I’m just little’…in baby talk. 🙂 ) Lovely! Lovely!

Anyway i’m gonna go and work on my book. (Code for: I’ve just remembered that I have Prince William Champagne in my fridge all lonely and in need my my trout pout around it! A stripper friend of mine thinks Prince Willy champagne may taste like penis. Poor Pete. 🙂 )

Ciao. I love you. *Wiggle*

 

Fuck skinny jeans. That’s it now. My relationship with a pair of good old ‘skinnies,’ is truely, deeply over..and when I say over, I mean ‘over’ as in, ‘will come running back’ once I can actually fit into them. I tired of being a fatty now. Losing my baby weight is tedious, *glances over diamond watch.* As of next week i’m gyming it everyday until i’ve a Glamour Pussy size of glory! I’ve even bought new earrings to work out in, due to the sincere fact that I utterly believe they will keep me motivated.

I only ended up in skinny jeans yesterday, due to the fact that Loverboy’s a masive perv and tries to squeeze me into too smal things, that make me look like a butcher. Yeah..yeah…i’ve heard the whole ‘But you totally look like Beyonce.’ But let me tell you…ain’t nobody be looking like Beyonce, BUT Beyonce. I’m Chrissie Wunna. I’m the Queen of the frilly white skirt and wink. I just can’t work jeans efficiently enough to get my own way, without a giant cleevage out.

ANYWAY, not only did Ruby do her first ever *giggle* last night, (she did it in her sleep, like she was loopy. It was greatness.) However, The Wunna’s, Pete, I and our little bambino spent the ENTIRE yesterday at Meadowhall in Sheffield for a bit of fooding and a whole lot of Shopping!!!! Pete hasn’t been shopping in ages and well i’m addicted to all things ‘Juicy Couture’ right now, due to Karan at work showing me a ginormous bit of bling in gold. I’m now in lust. (I’m getting a *Flashback* of a time in Hollywood, at a Gay Bar when I was in a typical Chrissie Wunna number…boots with the fur, frilly knicker skirt, boobies and big hair. I looked like a candy coated Rainbow Brite…if she was a whore. Anyway a gay came up to me, with delight in his eyes, glazed his balletic arm of ‘ooh laa’ over my outfit, like I was a masterpiece..then told me that he loved my ‘Couture.’) I’m bringing that part of me back to life…we spent far too much yesterday on ‘just for the sake of ‘nonsense. I’m not usually like that. However, we had drama at TGI’s at noon, meaning we all needed a bit of retail therapy to get through the day with winks. (GOD! You simply can’ t take The Wunna’s ANYWHERE, without there being some kind of drama…and the single reason for this regulary occuring drama, is the fact that each one of us is an attention whorey, spoilt BRATT! (Even Pete. I’ve decided to call him a ‘Wunna’ from now on. It just feels better. I’m not one to shimme on over to his Team. I’m the superpower in our delicious little conundrum.)

 

 

Okay…so Pete and I arrive at Meadowhall late due to the hectic ‘scratch-head’ of dressing our 8 week old. (Aww.. i love that she committed to her first ever *giggle.* It reassures me that she’s happy and not attempting an escape plot.) Loverboy and I always disagree on what Ruby will wear. To me it’s Easter..therefore she should obviously be dressed as a chicken. (I do mean ‘baby chick’ and not a hen or even a roasted bit of meat.) Pete thought my choice was far too slutty. ‘Christina!! Her Boobs are OUT!!’ Therefore after 42 minutes and 7 dress changes later, we came to a compromise of lemon dunagrees and a Carmen Miranda headband. ffs!

We get to Meadowhall. Meet my parents, brother Jezzy and his friend ‘Christina.’ Pete and I then have to zoom to Mama & Papas, due to them leaving the security tag on our buggy, meaning we looked like me were stealing in every store we ventured in. We literally we *buzzed* in and *bleeped* out. I do like an entrance, but not when it looks like i’m a gypo. Now, *zooming* to places, when Pete, baby and I are in a very public place is not easy and simple because we’ll get hounded with ‘aww’s,’ stares, ‘OMG isn’t that’s’ and pointy fingers. We do adore it, however i get upset when i can’t milk it..due to having to rush. Baby Ruby is the most popular out of the 3 of us. Especially after ‘OMG. Peaches.’ Luckily, she loves all the cooing over her…well until an apparent ‘chavvy’ baby stole her Minnie Mouse. LOl.

Long story short we wheel our way at the speed of light, to TGI’s upstairs, after looking at my boobs in the mirrored elevator ceiling. ‘Pete look at my boobies.’ ( I then noticed that we were in a glass square of an elevator, so we looked like twats during our upward glide. I’m a Glamour Puss. I really need to glide better.)

When we’re there we quickly order a table for 6. My mums onher way etc… We get lovingly escorted to an private upstairs ‘POWER TABLE’…the table where you get sent if you’re Greatness (or just a large party. 🙂 ) They do actually call it their ‘Royal box.’ I think the staff began laughing at Pete and I’s tragic, ‘new parent’ syndrome, where we stand about all confused, not knowing what to do with our buggy, bags and baby. 🙂 Then my Mum, Dad, Brother and his friend finally arrive. (Pete and i waved at them from our Roya box…they didn’t at all see us, so again we looked foolish, especially because I was trying to *shout* over cheering and repeated clapping.)

Okay, i’m not sure what happens next, but my Dad then throws a strop because he doesn’t want to have to walk up ANY stairs to get to the POWER TABLE. Therefore instead of doing it anyway…he storms off in a huff, with is slanted eyes and walking stick. Leaving Pete, baby Ruby, Mum, Jez and his friend ‘Christina’ at the Power table with me, and now all argueing. LOL. My mum was shouting. We were all on our phones trying to get a hold of dad, or tweeting, we’re ordering buffalo wings and swearing, i’m feeding Ruby endless milk supplies whilst laughing. There’s panic, fluster, frustration, then my mum looks at my brothers friend and say’s, ‘I’m so sorry Christina..’ :), Pete orders an Oreo smoothie, Jezzy doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry and then I..out of nowhere say, ‘Can you take our picture?’

I guided the troops into not giving into my daddy’s tantrum. I’m the Queen of them. I know how it all works. Plus, i learnt it from him. Then he finally totters back, out of hunger and after a phonecall where my mother yelled at him, I laughed and he claimed he was ‘disappointed.’ Pete was now feeding the baby and i was now eating buffalo wings, whilst explaing to Jezzy that they’re not really buffalo. (‘Buffalos aren’t this frickin’ TINY!!!’ )

My mum ends up having to book my dad a ‘table for one’ downstairs, due to him refusing to walk upstairs. All ends in laughter. Ruby saves the day. Pete decides to think it’s all because of him. ‘Eww…stop with your emotional issues Pete. lol.’) And then we all venture off…to shop for 5 hours.

Great day. Lots of drama…lots of goodies bought and it all ended with love, smoothies and most importantly my baby girls first ever *giggle.*

I really need to work out. I think we’re gonna have a sunshine day today!

 

 

When bad things happen to pretty good people. 😉

I’m having an ACE day. Work has been amazing. (I adore everyone I work with and simply because our lives are so intertwined.) Karan came back from Disney Land, Matt managed to shoot blu-tack into my cleevage, Lucy’s all hot and wanting driving lesson’s on her ‘heartbreak’ diet and well life couldn’t be better!) Everyone always asks me why I bother to have a day job and well firstly any money you do make is good money. I’m also the most social of kitty cat purr-factors. AND being out andabout during the day plonks me right in the circus of life, making blogging a great deal easier. You can’t be stuck at ahome all day. It means you’re merely existing. Being around human nature, fun and drama, keeps your soul alive. I’m the happiest i’ve ever been. I’ve made some really great friends and i’m loving every minute of it. (Plus, i get to wear my outfits and flirt. Although that is fun at home…it’s never as wonderful as the great outdoors. I’ve had wine…bare with me!)

Other than all that, and thanking Wazza for always being ACE to me. I’ve decided to have FUN this weekend. It’s Easter, I love a celebration. I feel sexy and well I have a bambino that i can dress as a baby chick in order to family Easter pictures. Loverboy and I are wonderful right now. As soon as he picked me up outside Xercise4less (the gym i work at), with Lucy and Matthew by my side. He was in the bestest of moods. We’re having a fun night in, where we giggle at pointless rubbish, teach our baby how to talk, sip glasses of wine and chatter about how ace our future is..now that it’s glitter glazed. We’re a lucky couple and we’re ethnic. When the sun comes out to play we get a limp in our walk and a swagger in our stride. I do Glamour Puss. Pete does sunglasses. (He’s actually laid out on a mattress in the middle of our living room with Ruby as we speak. We’re waiting for a chinese…and I do mean takeaway and not a bunch of slanted eyed angry men.)

Life is great and because i feel like i have a whole few days off. I AM going to write my book in that time…and then it’ll pretty much be finished. *Excited.* I feel glamourous, hot and delicious and once again owning my place as the kitty Queen of ‘ohh laa.’ We’re gonna have Prince Willy champagne with our chinese tonight and although i find it hilarious, I know it’ll be a moment i’ll always remember. Infact, i remember telling a lady this afternoon, (who was fortunately showing me Juicy Couture) that memories are all we have at the end of the day. I’m lucky to have many..due to a Hollywood upbringing. It was very ‘party-party’ celeb infused. I learnt a lot about life…and bitches I loved it. However not for the reasons you may believe I do..

[Wait the chinese is here..hold that thought…]

Okay, i’m back. We’re having a really good night, in our pj’s, with our baby and all dolloped off with belly laughter. I’ve noticed that we’ve spent the last three nights belly laughing..even if we’ve fought. Last night i was brought on my Essex. TOnight…it was over wavers and the other night it was over pervy fucking Indian men. (Now fish and children tv presenters are on our telly. Thank GOD we’re tipsy.) I love how boys i’ve once had nookie with keep fricking appearing on ‘90210.’ (I need my ex-boyfriends to stop doing better than Me. Only one actually has and that depends on where you plonk ‘better’ really. Luckily today, I was assured over cyber giggles that the Mexican one…isn’t. He used to call my vagina ‘Cookie.’) I don’t care what anyone says, you never want an ex to do better than you…even if you pretend that your rapport is all lovely and amicable.

I have the next 4 days off to enjoy and i’m feeling better than ever! Pete are doing that weird ‘love’ thing where we talk to each other in baby talk, or in out loud love letter. Infact, wait…that might be hard to understand? What happens is I will say:

‘Dear Petey…I love you…from Chrissie.’ (But out loud like i’m a baby and all cute. Yes..it is mentally ill.)

Anyway, Pete will reply with a..

‘Dear Chrissie…I love you tooo…Love Petey.‘ 🙂 (You need to do that in your best man baby voice, they can never do it as good as girls. They sound more like trannies. Well if i’m honest, it’s Pete’s ‘after blowjob’ voice. 🙂

It’s funny how my mannerisms have rubbed off on him. He even notices himself floucning around like a Glamour Puss, or wiggling with a giggle. (Totally getting a *Flashback* of Karan and I having to remove our bangles with faces of utter concentration, as we got to serious business and began typing. You can’t type in pearls. It’s far to aggressive…plus mine where from Primani.)

Tomorrow we have a big family day out at Meadowhall. Where Pete, Ruby and The Wunna’s venture out for a wee bit of shopping and lunch. I get a lot of attention whenever i’m Meadowhall bound, so i need to make sure i ‘work it.’ Yes i am that tragical. I’m not work on my book until after tomorrow, i’m in need of a good break and i can’t think of a better way to spend it! (OMG!!! RUBY HAS JUST PROJECTILE SHATT OUT OF HER BUM (MID NAPPY CHANGE) ABOUT A METRE ACROSS THE ROOM. lol) We’re in a room with our deliciously pooey baby, my half naked handsome, i’m in a whorey nighty, Keith Lemon’s on our telly and we have boxes of chicken wings on our living room floor, with Katy Perry’s, ‘I kissed a girl’ on in the background. Hellooo circus. I weirdly feel quite showbizzy! I’ll make great telly. (Whenever Ruby poos she cracks up laughing with a *gummy* smile , followed by an Elvis lip curl. I ADORE HER. I’ve never loved anyone more.)

Anyway, I’ve been rhyming ‘snickers’ with ‘knickers,’ swearing, winking in diamonds and guzzling wine. I haven’t been happier. Feels good to finally not be stressed. (Probably be fighting by tomorrow. 🙂 ) I’m everyone’s favourite kitty cat. Who’d a thought? Just a little girl from Yorkshire..who started to write a blog.

 

Morning my delicious winks of a shimmie. I’m on my way to work, with a baby in one arm, a Blackberry in the other, a ‘handsome’ asking for petrol money, i’m attempting to blog and all of this with me trying to attach pearls to the whole senario.

I don’t have much time right now, so i’ll keep it brief and make you think of Joey Essex’s Orange Uggs…. and diamonds. *Keeping it Wunna.* Anyway, I remembered that after my little *blah blah* about vices etc…(I’m sorry about the poor quality of my blog last night. It was all higgeldy-piggeldy. Yet whatever, it actually mirrors the true scene of my life during that current state.) I realized that the only time I didn’t rely on any vices was during my pregancy. I was all weird and tee-total wasn’t I! Therefore, I guess that when i’m put in charge of a life…i’m ain’t to bad at it. Purr….

However on a more serious note, my boobs have shrunk and i’m devasted. Losing my baby weight has been a joy and a slooow moving process (it takes a while)…yet when I can actually do the middle button up on my shirt, it means i’m pretty much doomed. Erm…why is kitten trying to smother my child? I really do need to go on the Flabelos.

Other than all that I hope you have a Wunnaful day. Wazza is currently being very ‘Sherlock Holmes.’ I’ve finally attached the pearls and therefore life is now ready to totter. #swag

*Bimbo out*

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