Month: September 2009

Hello My sweetie, little plum drops! Make your mark on this world. If YOU don’t, someone else will do it for you. You’re following the life of ‘The Ultimate Glamour Puss’…I do things right, I do things wrong…but i’m on a journey, a magical adventure of ‘Ooh Laa.’ I’m crossing paths, i’m meeting minds, i’m breaking hearts and having mine toyed with. Throw caution to the wind, but keep that ‘bedroom’ in your eyes!

My story. My Way!

CHRISSIEWUNNA.COM

(Today i found out that children want me to go to their school and perform. Perform? Perform what? ‘Hi, I’m Chrissie Wunna, please watch me down this bottle of wine infront of you, then applaud. Thankyou.’)

Woke up this morning, feeling a little bit ill still, but deliciously refreshed after and early night and an early morning. I’ve been up since 7 am and have important meetings all day. I’ve also just got off the phone to my mum, who you’ve kinda just have to call from your bed, when you feel a bit under the weather. I love her, we’re close. The only woman who will have my back, no matter what. I’ve grown into her…but ofcourse with a lot less clothing on. (Oops!)

Last night, was funny. I ended up getting pizza, but found myself pushing someones rusty old banger, up the street. Imagine asking ME to help you push your car. (Hahahha…) I did try, as you can’t really say ‘no,’ and well i guess i  sort of enjoyed the idea of being helpful…but yeah…i was no help.. AND he got his picture taken with me, AND people we’re whistling at my poor attempt. But ah-well, my body was built for pleasure, not hard labour.

As i finished ‘car pushing’ i get a BBM that is insisting that i ring them. I call…(still trying to get my pizza) and on the other end is a rather drunk male friend, who claimed they we’re currently being frantically chased around central, (Shaftsbury Avenue) for spitting on someone and they needed Me to save them. They needed me to come down there, find where they are, and save them.Followed by an ‘OOh i’m by Les Miserables’ and a verse of I dreamed a dream.’ I was completely sober too, and i’ll never be sober again, because when you are, people treat you like you’re some ‘save the world‘ sober angel. (‘Chrissie..save me, help me….push my fucking car.’) Drunks get away with a lot less responsibilty. It was actually hilarious. I pissed myself and felt bad for them. I’m a decent person to call when trashed because i’l play your sick games with you. Then i simply hung up, and BBM’ed ‘Get on a fucking night bus and get your drunk arse home.’ The last thing i heard was them shouting ‘Oh Chriiiiise!!! (in a toodle-loo kinda voice.) Followed by an alarmed.. ‘Wait? Am i in the girls toilets??’ Hopefully, their night ended a bit better than that. But it’s a good start. LOVE it!! I got my pizza, and went to bed by 11.30pm. I’ve just come off a ‘Party Tour.’ Leave me.

Okay woke up this morning, to an awful message from my ex-hubby’s sister, who basically can’t stand to see me do well, and resorted to viscious name calling, being a basic bitch and told me off for ‘cyber stalking’ her poor little defenseless brother, who i now think is a cunt….for ‘sending in the merry troops.’ First of all, if you have felt the need to Google me, then FIND me on Facebook, then SEND me a evil message, well technically you’re CYBER STALKING ME, right? (Hahahahaha…) As if anyone, but his mum, cyber stalks him!! I’m part of the whole ‘Cyberlebrity’ shindig. (2nd most Googled ‘Chrissie’ in the world much???) And secondly…until you know the whole facts about a situation, and NO-ONE but him and I do. Then do refrain from barking off!! I mean they certainly don’t know anything because HE refrained from telling them the actual truth about what really happened, as it’s far too embarrassing for him & he wants to look like the ‘good’ boy..as many a boy do. And they certainly don’t know about our relationship AFTER the marriage, yet quite classily feel the need to ‘Hate Mail’ me. When people hate mail you, it’s because they feel oddly threatened. What a bitch! Who randomly does that?? I mean it must be a kick in the balls, to Google the baby bro’s, ex-wife, who you thought or didn’t want to amount to much, out of bitterness….then find a whole different story..I get it. But she should be happy with her own life, and not tinker or should i say ‘cyber stalk’ around Mine.

Now there’s gonna be a war. He’s quite good at not telling the whole truth, or acting his way around things, so you see him in a different light….it’s his job. The difference between us is….He’s a ‘story’ teller, and i’m a ‘truth’ teller. I’ve always let him get away with it. He’s lied to me, used me…but he’ll never really be bad to me when he’s with me, coz he wants sex and i know far too much ‘stuff’ about him. Yeah, It’s terrifying for him, as i’m on my way UP UP and fast…with an honest honest tongue. Infact, (to praise him) he’s done a great deal more than Me, but unfortunately for his family, what I’ve achieved in a shorter space of time has accidentally made more of an impact on the world. Proving it’s not how much you do, it’s how much of an impact, you make when you do DO something. Like i say, ‘it’s not where you start, it’s where you finish!!‘ And It’s scary for them, i guess? I didn’t even know i was in competiton?? Now i’ll try harder. Oh and how convenient of them to ‘hate mail’ at such a time, when he’s going to be needing a bit of British press, in a dilly dally. (Chavs!)

The moral of this McBloggy: Concentrate on your own life, your own story, your own goals, rather than trying to ‘rubbish’ the success of others! First of all it’s not beneficial, and second of all…it’s bloody exhausting and Glamour Pusses don’t enjoy tiring themselves out on ‘riff raff.’ Be positive!! (More importantly…what’s this whole ‘Egg Buddy’ thing? Like why are people sending me ‘Eggs’ as friends??)

After all that boasting and ‘argy-bargy’ God has decided to make me a bit sick. I’ve got early flu signs and i need to a brandy to kick it out my system or just knock me out ’til i’m better. I’ve kindly been offered high dosages of ‘penis-cillin’, by various ‘trust me, i’m a Doctor’s.’ But there’s really not much i could do with a ‘whoop-dee’ right now, but wipe my snotty nose upon it. (I’m a poor excuse for a slut.) I’m at my window, hugging a radiator, watching well people, walk by. I want to spit on them, and shout at them, all topless, like a mad woman. Yet instead, i’m reminder note taking: ‘Party Tour too much. You will get sick.’ I’m so foolish. I’m a 28 yr old, Glamour Puss, now hugging a fucking radiator. (Thing you might not know about me. I hate being cold. I’d rather die burning alive, then in a fucking ice blocked igloo.)

I did want to thankyou for all my messages. I’m thumbing through them now, and getting my ‘reply’ on. Anyone who wants anything signed, send them to me and I will smear my reputation all over them for you, before sending them back. I also just spotted a group of lovelies from Montreal, who have started a Chrissie Wunna Twitter fan page. I have my own Twitter profile under ‘chrissiewunna,‘ but please do follow them at ‘chrissywunnafan‘ as they know EVERYTHING about me, and i’m far to drunk and too busy pouting, winking, and being a ego maniac to remember all the stuff that goes on in my life after a jack daniels. I need them in my life and well I love you guys!!! Montreal rocks!! You sexy lovers!

Also wanted to give a shout out to ‘Futures Community college’ (is that right?) Who study ME (Chrissie Wunna) as their main topic, in Business studies! I love the Chrissie Wunna Quizes. (I will get over myself… but just not yet.) I also love my Wunnerettes, who are now stealing furs off 8 yr olds, to reenact My Facebook Party Pictures. (Hahaha…awww. Delicious! I adore you.) They’re all like, fuck being Doctors & lawyers, I want to be like that drunk ageing sex symbol, of a bitch. I think I want my own doll too, that has a play cigarette with it, and a bottle of champers in it’s hand. Then when you press a random button it screaches: ‘Oh please do kindly fuck off. Like…NOW’

I’m currently reading a condom box, the ones i got for free from gays throwing them at Me, whilst i was dancing to ‘Womanizer’, with the big fat, beer bellied, ugly man on the front of it. Not being funny or anything, but why cast him, as the face of your safe sex campaign?? (Yes I am jealous!) But saying that, it is actually enough to put anyone off being felt up  forever. It kinda works! The inside reads (no joke even):  ‘Enjoy a healthy sex life- use condoms when you fuck.’ What!!!!! Whoever invented this box needs trophies AND to call me, so i can be their new improved slaggy face of purrfection.

Other than that, i have nothing to report, except, i don’t understand why people put ‘LOL’ or ‘Haha’ after things that aren’t funny? They’ll say something awkward like ‘i love you’ (not that that’s awkward..i say it all the time) but then put a ‘LOL’ on the end of it, just incase you don’t love them back. Cracks me up! You can love anyone you want, without having to ‘laugh’ it off, whether they love you back or not. If someone’s gonna dislike you for loving them, then they’re a weirdo, not you. And if you make a sarcastic joke of Greatness, don’t think that you need to put a ‘lol‘ or haha’ at the end of it, to NOT hurt the other party’s feelings because people should really muscle up and understand humour at the expense of others by now…adult humour. Plus the ‘laughing’ it off, takes the egde, the BITE off the ‘ooh laa.’

Got to go now, but do want to say i’m slightly confused by people who don’t like to get touched…and i don’t mean inappropriately, because everyone appreciates a bit of a grope. (But saying that, don’t try and touch me.) It seems lots of weird boys have seriously crazy ‘love’ issues, due to a history of hurt and it’s awful. Makes me sad. I’m an open hearted, warm loving being…and you will get more people loving you correctly, if you are the same. (Wink. Wink.) Trust issues are so last season. (Oh god, ‘Latin Lover’ who sent me a ‘Good Bye forever’ speech, in a moment of amateur dramatics because i wouldn’t do as he said..is now all.. ‘Love me love.’ ) When will you learn….

However yeah…I’m taking over the world, but for now, going back to hugging my radiator before comfort food. Yum! (There’s a woman screaming for her life, outside my appartment, and a car being pulled over by an undercover cop car. Oh the drama. Cuddles anyone? Feel up?)

U heard! I will gracing my naughty presence in Spalding tonighta my darlings…at their hottest club ‘LOADED.’ I believe it’s ‘Dave Pearce’ night and well anytime there’s a Glamour Puss combination in the merry house there’s going to be a delicious amount of chaotic ‘ooh laa.’ I’ve been before. They’ve hosted a lot of popular faces and well i’m a giant fan of this club! Come party with me! I mean, You might aswell right? I’m feeling frisky….Maybe you could be sharing my sheets…

I’ll be blogging about my night there…so make a great drunken impression and you too can be a part of ‘chrissiewunna.com’

Hello Lovers of spunk juice. After a whole load of things going dreadfully wrong yesterday, i ended up on one of those randomly spontaneous adventures, where you find yourself not any where where your supposed to be and strutting in high heels, skinny jeans, and a pink tight tube, through Leicester square, with a Gay who was telling all about his French lover, then past a red carpet film premiere, armed with my dark sunglasses, then through a bit of china town and into the darling Ku Bar…where i tend to find myself a lot recently…for ONE drink…which turned into a NIGHT of drinking. I had wine.

Lots of ‘We love Wunna’ fans we’re out. Hahahaha! I really do need to get over myself. Yeah One…but NOT today! Woohoo! I like these nights! I found myself picturing and dancing with chicks, gay dads and the odd lesbo, whilst talking about my tits, then i got a treat from the heavens! Okay! I TWITTER, my whereabouts a GREAT GREAT deal, due to Attention Whore  syndrome. And well i’m at this bizarre stage in my life, where people now will see me in a bar, a club, or wherever, even be stood next to me, but weirdly DAREN’T come up to me and say ‘Hi.’ I’m not sure why? I really don’t bite before weekends, and really rarely bite before you have a bite at Me. lol. And this ‘not saying HI’ jiggery pokery, makes me feel like i’m longer adored, therefore please do stop it. Hahah. I’m a lover not a fighter.

Anyway, what was i trying to say? Oh god, yeah…there’s this one deliciously adorable gay male, who reads my blog, watched the show, who i’ve talked to many a time on Facebook, Twitter and ‘Fan Phone’ (which will be making a comeback shortly,) who last week saw that i was at Ku Bar, but dare not come and say ‘hello.’ But you know what! Last ngiht, whilst he was at work, he FOUND The WUNNA in him (oh-er,) lied to his boss, read my Twitter, and then with an ‘I’m just popping to the toilet,’ fled his work place, like a cheeky adventure bumpkin, and went on an adventurous challenge to find me, meet me and get his photo! I LIKE this VERY much!! It’s gutzy, it’s sexy and totally worth my while.

I’m sat at the bar, with Gay Adam, a wine and my gay bartender boyfriend, all boobied and skinnied jeaned, talking about Men and out of nowhere pops this adorable being, all beauticul and deliciously smelling, who i KNEW straight AWAY. (You always think i won’t know who you are. But if i’ve talked to you online at any time…i will KNOW who you are. I’m good like that. Memory like an elephant…or is that sieve?) Anyway before he quite shyly told me his story, i knew his story. Hugged him, kissed him and with an ‘I LOVE YOU’ he GOT his photo..then ran off back to work, as a ‘toilet break’ lie, is one you can’t milk for too long, right. (The above right hand picture…is HIM. He is now officially on Team Wunna, for having giant balls and ‘ooh laa.’) I love him!!!

Okay, then Gay Adam and i figure we might aswell make a night of it, now we’ve committed to the art of being piss heads, therefore we decide to bar hop it, having one drink in each gay bar we could find. I ventured to The Village, sat under chandeliers, poked around on the patio, danced a little disco. Then after deciding to NOT go to Freedom bar…we flurry off in the darkness all singing, dancing and lying to ourselves, to G-A-Y.

Great TIME!! Lots of bottled alcopops we’re enjoyed. Lots of dancing, fun, lollipops for one pound, drunk talk, new friends, Life and shimming took place…maybe even a bit of bullying. There was this weird muslim guy, who refused to admit he was gay and claimed to be in the ‘confused’ stage. He had bought a JUG of booze, for himself & was wearing a Man U t-shirt. I mean honey….if there’s a place, to ‘come out’ in without judgment, it’s going to be fricking G-A-Y. The clue’s in the title darling. Hahahah…anyway he got all huffy and started yelling at my friends. He pointed at me and was like ‘Then WHY are you here???‘ Because i’m a FUCKING Fag Hag you moron & OFF the FUCKING telly!  I then toppled into a fake tree thing, made up with a friend and met a real life girl, with bigger boobies than me, who’s REAL last name is actually ‘HOOKER.’ I fucking LOVE IT!!!!! And i LOVED her.

Gay Adam and I then HAD to leave as the pokery was getting far too much for our innocent souls. God i was pissed! Then we ran into little ‘shipwrecked’ Mark Byron who i really do adore…it’s his voice. I just want to tickle him. After dear darling convo, and a discussion about Kat and Jade Goody, i found myself on the Northern Line, back to Camden. (Y’know i actually dreamt last night, that i was in a playground with Paris Hilton, and we we’re linked by the arm, looking up at the night sky and aimlessly spinning, whilst evil laughing. Drinking now makes me hallucinate. Maybe drugs will give me ‘Beer goggles?’)

I called ‘Lashes’ and fought with him. He’s now forgiven me, by being the Peace maker. A like a boy who can peace make. He’s no grudge holder, which makes him a grown up. Just got off the phone to him right now. But anyway, i loved last night. I’m loving London. I did cry a bit before i slept out of drunkardness, whilst  stuffing pasta in my face and making polite conversation with myself. (Made great ‘window’ footage.) And well now i have to pack a bag and get ready…Spalding HERE I COME!!!!

OMG! I’ve had what seems like zero sleep, due to a circus like fluster outside my appartment window all last night. Unfortunately it had absolutely nothing to do with ME and my terrifying Greatness, this time…but i will tell you, that not only was a stream of blue police lights, literally lighting up my whole bedroom from the juiced up street, like a ‘feel me up’ Gay bar. But it was followed by a rather rude amount of siren noise for about 4 hours. Then a MAD man, leapt onto my window with his arms wide open, (kinda like a Care Bear) and his mouth wide open (kinda like a slag.) I sort of just glared at him, in my sunglasses at 3.24am, with a ciggy in my hand, not remotely phased by the terror, and looking rather unimpressedwith the fact that i had just realized I had had 3 conversations with people on the phone, before i passed out drunk, that i couldn’t at all remember. The dear man actually shimmied across the width of my window, sort of screaming ‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!’ (Not very creative.) They should’ve just shot him or jailed him for poor amateur dramatics. I’m the Queen of the Tantrum, and well yeah, that bit of ‘doo-daa’ certainly wouldn’t have got him diamonds! (‘Get off my window you dirty wretched beast! You’re not on the list! My people can’t see Me!!’) I hope he wasn’t actually asking for my help, as i really would have fucked up there…Oops! Hahaha!

Anyway, on a cuter note. I did dinner with Jonny last night. We’re close, he’s good company, we’re fun folk and well we all know i love him a little.We trundled off to a bright little Italian restuarant in Camden, around 9 ‘o clock-ish. He was all bleached blond and cute and i was all little black dress and boobied. We had ‘mad dirty cowboy sex’ (the kind that involves deviously hung ponnies, n rodeo dwarves) and then we dined on prawns, olives, pizza and cabonara. I can’t actually remember what this place was called, as it was picked at random. But the FOOD is GREAT there. (Haha…i’m ever so helpful, i know.) The portions are massive (just how i like it…wink wink) and well we talked about life, love, ‘Lashes’ and how he’s not only learning money, but wants to date a ‘Sugababe.’ (Not sure if he’s referring to the girl group, or the female modern version of ‘sugar’ as in ‘Daddy.’)

I had a easy, quiet night, over italian food with him. Quite ‘sex in the city’ really, but the city being London. He drank water. I drank wine. And well, like i always say, this boy is growing up fast before my very own eyes. His mind is wise beyond his years, even though he did apparently get into a ‘play fight’ earlier and had a boy actually bite his nose. But we can’t judge him for that, as i’m 28 and well i still ‘play fight’ and bite all kinds of ‘whoop-dees.’ (Well kinda mainly penis.) But yeah,I often forget how young he is? I mean it works because he’s young with a deep sense of maturity about him, and i’m an old hag, with a deliciously junvenile streak…and great tits!

After having some odd child belonging to another glare at us, and hearing a rather long restuarant ‘Happy Birthday’ song, he walked me back through the streets of Camden, under the stars, and to my bus stop, as he talked about dreams, London and how he wished he was older. I then got savaged by some bitches puppy on the night bus. I did that noddy, smiley, ‘aww, how cute’ thing. I really couldn’t have taken her in a fight. My tactic is to mouth off, then run off. You kinda can’t do that on a bus too effectively. Her puppy wasn’t even cute. It looked like fucking ‘Bat Fink.’

When i got home, i went to the 24hr ‘Cost Cutter’ to buy cigarettes and had an old bald, drunk man in a trench coat from another land, with a ‘Carling Black Label’ in his hand, tell me not to ‘eat a Cornetto, because really they’re all just jealous of Me???’ Cracked me up!! Then i got home, passed out fully clothed on my bed. ‘Lashes’ called. I can’t remember one word i said to him, due to tiredness. But he did try to sneakily quiz me about Jonny and whether i fancied him. Then the madness outside my window occured.

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