Walls of Custard Cream

Today, i’ve been decorating, and busting my ankles, due to ‘decorating’ foot attire. I opted for flat furry boots. I now know that boots should never be furry, should never be flat, and should never be worn on during a 20 hour decorating McSession. (When i say decorating….i mean ‘got an army of other people, to paint for me!!’

My dining room is now the colour of ‘custard cream,’ and OMG, it’s the best colour in the world ever. Makes you feel excited, ‘ooh laa’ and full of energy!! Not quite sure whether that’s the correct combination of adjectives for a dining room, but honestly who cares…no-one ever eats it in anyway!!! Three cheers!! (Yes, i’m one of those!!) I’m sitting in the middle of 4 ‘custard cream’ walls right now. It actually doesn’t look anything like the colour of ‘custard creams’ at all. Whoever made that up, and took it the to the ‘i think we should name it this…’ meeting, must have run out of ideas at the last minute or been wasted?? ‘Ah, i’ll just name it after my fucking biscuit!!’

Other than that (shit my ankle kills,) i intend to rest up over the next couple days, relax, regroup and pamper, as i have very exciting ‘somethings’ coming up, and a full body of ‘va voom’ is needed. I’m sooooooo excited!! My life is wonderful, and seems to be getting better and better as i speak. I feel lucky, i’m enjoying every second, and well…i guess i couldn’t have done it without cha’!!

Thankyou xx

Buddha belly laughs

I’ve just arrived ‘home sweet home,’ from the greatest day of giggles, and mainly at the expense of others!! The randomest things kept happenning, causing me to errupt and explode into a buddha belly laugh, every 3.4 seconds. It’s healthy to laugh out loud they say, so please do cause as much, ‘good clean’ trouble as possible, to get your daily fix of ‘Ha Ha.’ It works, and good things happen to those who laugh at others. I think??

I don’t have anything to say, except i fell down a good number of times, due to the unnecessary height of my heels. I looked all divine, and scrumptious in my faux fur white coaty, pink (makes my boobs look massive) top, and those infamous ‘bedroom eyes’ (luckily all asian girls have them…some say ‘slanted’ i say ‘bedroom.’) Then armed with bags of shopping, that i needed to purchase due to an exciting upcoming event, (Ooooooh) and the prettiest golden heels, i would trip up over my own fat foot, fall on my bum, and let out the weirdest squeak. It was hilarious..and happened a good 3-4 times. I once tumbled, ‘upside down, baby elephant’ style, from the top of a Bloomingdales escalator..all the way down to the bottom, in what i believe to be, record time!! I ‘styled it out’ and made it look even more ridiculous, without necessarily meaning too. If i was in a comedian, it was Oscar worthy. However i was just a dozey shopper…so i looked a bit of a slutty twat! GREATNESS!!

My life is turning up roses!! I love it. Wish me luck! Things are getting good my chappies!! Kisses

Nettles to the face

…and it’s just keeps a coming. Three sonds after writing my last blog, i log off, pick up a blue mug (with a picture of an apple on it), walk to the kitchen…the door is wide open. I totter over to it, the birds are chirping, the air is warm, and my other friend is leaping around the lawn, like she’s just got burnt alive!! I politely ask, ‘What’s exactly happened??’ (hahahahahah, sorry, i’m cracking up!!) Her reply:

‘I’ve just got stung!! I’ve just got STUNG!!’

(I add,) ‘…by a bee?’

‘Nooooooooo, i’ve just got stung by nettles, in my fucking FACE, bitch!! I tried to pick up a plant, and instead i jabbed a large bundle of nettles into my face, and it FUCKING KILLS!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!’

I am once again crying with laughter, and now listenning to Billie Piper, ‘Honey to the bee.’ This is gonna be a great day!! I don’t know whether any of you are actually finding this as funny as I am??? You just had to be there

Knock before you enter

Okay so some mornings, i struggle to have anything to blog about. Yet on this fine morning, ‘some people’ make my job too easy!! (haha) I am still in hysterical, ‘not supposed to be telling anyone’ fits of laughter!! So i wake up, i walk out of my door, accidently into another door, armed with Joop shower gel that i’ve been instructed to pass on. I hear loud out of tune singing, to Nick Lachey…it’s some crap love song. All this time i’m at the top of my lungs screaming, ‘OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR,’ and knocking like i’m a ‘Diet Rockstar’ maniac. The music after about 4 mins comes to a halt. I continue to SHOUT. Then i hear weeping…so even though it’s rude to enter before you’ve heard the ‘What do you want, bitch?? Come in,’ i shoot in like Scrappy Dappy Doo, only to be hit with the worst piece of countryside scenery i have ever seen in my life!! I’m still keeling  over my laptop laughing, so please to forgive any ‘not explaining it right-ness.’ So, i rush in, i see a stark naked male, penis and goolies out, open legs straggling the bed he’s sitting on, ipod in hand, and earphones firmly plugged into ears, curtains drawn, eyes closed, pubic hair on display and loud (what looked like the best party ever) singing. Then to garnish it all off, the gentleman, has his head proudly in the air, and is fake SWIMMING, like he’s a baby DUCKLING in the AIR. His arms were FAKE paddling. ( i guess the moral of this story is don’t listen to Nick lachey???)

You’d think i’d just start losing it, and yelling, right? Nope! I nodded, and politely did that thing when you pretend it’s not happenning. The boy, sudden wakes from his ‘happy place.’ I apologise, leave, then spend the rest of the morning silent belly laughing, laid on my back, as my legs were finding it impossible to hold up the ‘ridiculous hilarious’ part of my weight. I swear, i laughed so hard i cried. ‘Boy,’ later shuffles downstairs, whilst i’m dancing to ‘Work it’ and luckily laughs it off, while asking me to make him a strawberry protein shake. Life is just too great!!

Roundhouse kicking bodyguards please

I’ve decided i want bodyguards. I ofcourse don’t need them, as i’m  a bodyguard-less, bottom of the rung nobody, but i still want them, as you KNOW you’re a proper star when you have them. Today was a day of getting stared at, but an enjoyable day of stares. It was littered with compliments, love and waves, and yes for some bizarre reason, that made me want ginormous meat eating bodyguards, to muscle them out the way…for fun?? I’m sick! I was at a bar in west hollywood one time, and Christina Aguilera shuffled in with 6 of the tallest, widest, muscle bound, ginormously burly, black suited guarders of her body!! You couldn’t even see her tiny self, hidden away between them, as they had formed a graceful circle of sweaty meat around her. All you could see was a bleach blond bobble of hair, bobbling into into the VIP section, as they elbowed the gays out of her walkway. It was GREATNESS!! I want that, and not purely for the gorilla elbowing, as ofcourse that’s too much of a treat and a half, but simply just for random comedic value. I think it would be hilarious, to be walking into a place, have a flurry of fans rush up to you, with a faces of sheer ‘ i’m about to explode’ excitement, then as they get so close they’re almost two steps away from you, to get that ‘oh so, never wash myself, in that place again’ touch…there you have it…meaty ELBOW to the FACE!! (Booyah!!) Victory! It’s kind of  just like dominos but violent, and sicker. My bodyguards would ofcourse, give out karate chops, roundhouse kicks, then add,’ Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyaaaaaaah! I am the Kung Fu Master of Monkey!!.’ And yes, it is a bit of a mouthful , but really what isn’t??

I’m currently listenning to that oldies great, ‘Love really hurts without you.’ Bizarre how the melody is so jolly, and uplifting..yet the words so ‘dagger to the heart.’ I’m not sure what message it’s meant to give out?? ‘You’re gone, it hurts, lets boogie??’ Infact, what am i on about? That’s exactly the process of events, except drinks are had..inbetween, ‘gone’ and ‘boogie.’ Hurrah!!

It’s a biccy, Choco-licky

A quick pic to celebrate the end of the week. Hopefully it will help you ‘through sail’ into the weekend, with maybe not the calmest of seas!! Or not?? Just so you know…whilst you’re working, i’m glamour pussing around. Hurrah!!

Air Needed Monsieur

After spending the whole of the entire yesterday indoors, locked up, and dusted over with yester-years McClutter…not only is my whole body feeling as though it’s been wrestled my a Sumo, or a gang of gorillas, but i’m also feeling a wee bit TRAPPED, like i need air and i need it now. I can’t go a day without being outdoors. I can’t stand being cooped up…it gives me the heeby jeebies!! (haha) Oh and when i say ‘outdoors,’ i don’t mean climbing jagged rocks and rustling around with a compass on hills, (Julie Andrews lied, they are so not ‘alive with music’…skank. Well unless ‘music’ is code for, ‘peverted adult boy scouts??’) Infact, i really don’t enjoy doing anything too ‘army ‘physical, as i believe it’s bad for you…makes you die young. I just mean ‘outdoors’ as in being outside, perching on laps, looking hot, and waving at the masses!! I can’t wait to get the day started. I have a major list i have to get through, and major shopping that needs to be tended too..which means i’ll just end up doing coffee, winking at passerbys, and pouting my newly glossed cocky suckies (lips.)

I am exhausted…my body aches…it’s hilarious, i don’t think it’s ever been this shocked. I need air, i need open space…i need my caffeine fix!!

Get rid of your clutter

It’s about 7.32pm, it’s dark, i’m all alone and i’m trying to figure out what just happened?? The lights have just been terminated?? One minute, i’m jollying away with my new mop, the next minute the lights blink out, the power does a Houdini, and now i’m confused as to what i’m supposed to do??? It’s like a dodgey teen horror movie. HILARIOUS!! If my laptop decides to run out of juice, then i’m pretty much fucked, and will tentatively wait for the guy in the scary mask, to come molest me, kill me then torment my best friend. It’s really dark. I’m scared!! I really can hear people coming to get me, with their scary big penis!!

I’ve spend the whole entire day DE-Cluttering, and thats de-cluttering…. EVERYTHING!! I, for some reason believed that it was essential that i empited the McClutter from my life, so began a tedious process of ‘throw out.’ I AM NOT a hoarder, and i hate hoarders. If i’m done with something, it’s getting lobbed in the trash, hurried out the house and sent away within seconds. I don’t keep, or hold onto any junk, and don’t understand why people do?? It’s very telling… I obviously must either have commitment issues, or ‘cold hearted bitch’ syndrome…hahahah. Some folk just can’t let go of the most randomest pieces of rubbish!!  I mean why keep that poster you once had on your wall of some ‘…was famous in the 80’s’ hero??? CHUCK IT OUT!! I throw EVERYTHING out!! If it’s dirty, chuck it out. If it’s noisey chuck it out. If it’s done with, chuck it out. If it’s old, chuck it out. If it’s alive well and kicking…still chuck it out…it gets messy. I hate clutter, so now i am almost clutter free, so i can bring in the new!! Note: I do not like boys who keep clutter. If you treasure clutter, your life becomes cluttered and i’m the cow bag that has thrown out that,  really important piece of paper you needed for work, that you kept somewhere, but you can’t seem to find. Unfortunately, i live with HOARDERS, who keep the randomest garbage? They do not know that i’ve DE-Cluttered…and kind of not just my stuff. Oops! Hopefully the ‘shit what happened to the lights’ will distract them.

Two Step Filly Folly and Jubilant Whoo Haa

Morning all!! I’m in good spirits today and joyfully leaping upon that famous ‘Cloud 9.’ I’m filled with jugs of happiness, there are rainbows paving my streets, opportunity knocking away, and well my life is ‘ i have to pinch myself to believe’ changing. I feel quite GRAND, and it’s the most amazing sensation EVER. Even the word is quite sexy…’GRANDEUR.’ Loves it!! Purrr…

I have a busy day infront of me, that actually has nothing to do with work, but more to do with ‘assembling’ good times, taking big breaths and repeatedly performing ‘happy dances’ due to my sheer luck. I can’t believe it! (Well if i’m honest…i can!) I always take days off life, to celebrate and rejoice ‘happiness.’ It keeps you sane, let alone smiling and i’m grateful. I never want this feeling to cease. I want to gallop around with it. I want to shout it from rooftops (that i’m not making out with hot gay guys on after mango margaritas) and i have that song that goes…’i have my drink and my two step/my drink and my two step..’ buzzing around my head!

Enjoy your day!! Kisses

£-(the hell hole) Stretcher

‘£-Stretcher’ not my favourite place in the world ever, yet a good (but i’ll never speak to her again) friend of mine, suggested i refrain from emptying buckets of cash, on products that i can be purchasing for about £1, from ‘£-Stretcher.’ She has been doing this for years, and it’s basically the same stuff, but with Arabic writing scrawled upon it…and only costs £1.

Reluctantly, i followed her on an adventure. Biggest mistake EVER!! I spent the whole morning, wondering around bloody ‘£-Stretcher’ getting stared at by everyone, as i aimlessly walked around the store with some random mop i thought i should get, because it was only £2. I looked soooo ‘Little Bo Peep/Lost her sheep,’ well..’Little Miss Mop, that lost her ….Top??? I was finding it about as funny as a funeral. I had a Dior bag in one hand, and a giant grey mop in the other, and an old man, tape measuring my back for a box??? Nothing is the same in those stores, as they are in regular shops. It’s just a massive closet of grey plastic junk, that has ‘past their sell by date’ biscuits…. next to sofas… next to nappies… next to makeup thats been used…. and things don’t cost £1 at all, my mop was £2!! You can walk into anything in that store, and it won’t at all break. I had a face like thunder, my friend had a face of glee…(she loves that place!!) I ended up buying 2 toothbrushes, a mop, some dish cloths, 7 GIANT plastic boxes, an all surface cleaner thing (cos it was pink), and 12 pillows! JUNK!! Now they’re all just piled up infront of me, in a living room heap, like they’re waiting for some random Shitzu to come pee on them. Infact, i want to pee on them!! Those places need to give out tequila shots at the doors, before you enter and add fucking ‘go-go’ dancers!! It’s the most boring adventure island in this world ever. There’s Hell, 50 feet of crap, then this place called ‘£ Stretcher,’ where God sends all the really naughty kids. BE WARNED!!!

It forced me to have a panic attack and immediately get pampered at a nail salon, as i couldn’t take what had just happened to me?? I rushed straight out of my grey plastic hell hole, and into a girlie flowery haven of beauty and light. Even my manicurist was like, ‘Oh, you brought a… mop?’