I’m sat at the end of the bar writing this, so bare with me….I used to love blogging in public, but now I think everyone’s watching me…when they’re not. Haha. (Yes. I need therapy. But you would too, if you had to go places, sit normally and pretend that people haven’t seen you naked.)
I meeting lots of Wunna fans today on my travels and it’s wonderful. Oh and i’ll have you know, that every single person that has stopped me today for a picture…has been FEMALE. (Who’d a thought!?!)
I had stuff to say, but now i can’t remember it?
This is why being old sucks. You really CAN’T have wine and remember things, when you’re old. It steals your memories forever. Trying to think, is like a slow motion hurdle today. My eyes aren’t even working either!
Happy Valentines Days!
I hope you have a good one. Even if you’re by yourself. This is the first Valentines in ages, where i’m not actually single. So, I reckon i’ve done well. In fact, I know i’ve done well. He even agrees…that I’ve done well. Haha.
Me: ‘I did good.’
D Bear: ‘You did REALLY GOOD! Haha.’
Everything’s lovely. I’m smashing work. I’m so excited to head to Surrey tomorrow. Life is wonderful and let’s just say, it kinda feels like Wunna land is finally making it’s mark.
I guess i had to find my niche and stick to it….That’s what I decided to do, yeah? It’s worked…
If ‘sexy’ is my thang then sexy is my thang. I’m loving it…and it’s paying a pretty penny, so i’m happy. It’s like turning tuppence into proper dollar….kinda literally.
If you’re single this Valentines and it’s bothering you, don’t be bothered. I’ve had THE BEST TIMES during single Valentines days. Throw a party for one, but whatever you do, DO NOT WATCH ANY LOVEY DOVEY MOVIES.
I once spent Valentines CRYING MY EYES OUT, (Hahaha,) because I decided to watch ‘The Notebook’ alone.
Just purchase a rabbit, a takeaway and drink.
Keeps you out of trouble…keeps ya belly full.
Theo: ‘I’m still not over that time in LA, you cried over an actual penis. Haha’
Love is in the air in Wunna Land and i’m feeling pretty smitten. I kinda don’t want to tell me that, but if he reads this…then he’ll know.
He’ll not be smitten yet, will he? It’s always us girls who go full steam ahead in the love department. Haha.
I know this is short. But i really do have to go. My Mum’s waiting for me at Taco Bell… (lol OH the Glamour) and she’ll be grumpy and Asian if a burrito doesn’t hit her lips in approximately 12 minutes.
Catch ya later.
Subscribe to all my stuff….It will make Valentines day much better, if you’re a single guy and alone. Haha.
I know! I know! It’s been ages, but i’ve been so so busy. It’s been delightfully nuts! I’m really happy. I’m working really hard. I’m loving every minute. I’m doing everything right, for once and i’m feeling really good. I’m brimming over with this juicy little ‘peek’ of confidence…that everyone seems to try and knock down? (But only on occasion…It’s nothing that I can’t handle.)
The Wunna babies are at the happiest they’ve ever been. I’m so proud of them. They’re smashing school. They’re cutest lil’ things. They’re giggling for no reason. They’re blooming into the most wonderful humans alive…and it fills my soul with joy. (To say that they have ‘Daddy drama’ going on…They’re handling it like absolute champs. Nothing phases them. They’re The Wunna Babies.)
But away from that….Life is actually wonderful. I’ve been filming. I’ve been shooting. I’ve been travelling. Opportunity is knocking on every glittery piece of the Wunna Land door and I can’t even believe how lucky I am.
2019, has really cut me some slack.
I’m the happiest i’ve ever been…and i’m not even worried about being happy now. Usually, i’d be cautious…like something bad was about to be frisbeed my way. Yet now…I’m just going with the fact that things are wonderful.
I’ve met some really great people over the last couple weeks. I’ve been on an adventure…I can’t tell you anything about it. But i’ll tell you that they’ve touched my heart…I’ll also tell you that there are some really judgmental people out there. It disappointed me. I seriously thought we were in a world, where people were more open minded. I guess not. I guess the world will never be like that?
But, you’ll get to watch it all, very soon.
Thank you for all your messages. I seem to be accidentally inspiring people and it makes me feel so good. Makes my heart swell.
It kinda makes me feel alive. Everyone needs to feel a sense of worth, don’t they? When you feel like you have a purpose…you feel mighty…
I started my Only Fans & Admire Me subscription accounts. It’s going really well…So if you’re into all that (and you know what i’m talking about… Go ahead and SUBSCRIBE.)
I also now have a Cameo account…Where you can order a Video Message from me…for yourself or as a fun a gift idea.
All the links are all over my ‘socials,’ so please do have a tinker.
This week i’ve learnt that It’s really important in life that you do not let the judgments of others rule your world. I’m getting a lot of love and ofcourse I like that. It means i’m doing my job well. However, it seems the more popular I become…the more bad things people have to say? But it’s good because it tests my self esteem and it makes me reflect, refuel and become stronger. It motivates me.
I mean yesterday my Insta received sooo much love. But on Facebook i received soooo much hate. Everyone was going on about how I was a man, a ladyboy…and I get that it’s banter. I’m not emotionally frail. I can shrug that off and laugh.
However, it was pointed out to me, by a few magazines that I’m an advocate for. I represent them when it comes to the prevention of online bullying…that what was being said, was actually NOT OKAY and that it was not only abusive, yet it was also racist.
So, yes, just because i’ve learnt to laugh things off…I’ve realised that I shouldn’t. I don’t care if people call me a ‘Ladyboy’ because I know i’m a real life girl. I didn’t magic kids out of a pretend vagina.
HOWEVER, HOW WRONG is it to firstly assume that because i’m a ‘sexy’ asian girl, I must be a man.
Secondly…HOW disgusting is it to use the term ‘Ladyboy’ in a derogatory manner…like it is something that people should be disgusted at!
So on every level, I take the ‘laughing it off’ back. It’s not okay! Everyone got reported and were then rightly banned from a group.
It’s getting to the point now, that if a don’t respond to a guy’s comment online, they begin to fill with this weird hate…like they reall all rejected. Then they start sending me really awful messages.
But that’s not what I want to focus on. I want to focus on the fact that everything’s actually going so so well.
I’m smashing work. This is a really great time for me.
My love life is wonderful. I’m with the most beautiful human. He makes me smile. I’m really really happy. I tell him everyday.
I’m a family girl and my babies are all good.
2019…is my year. I can feel it in my little kitty bones….
It’s literally the happiest time, right now. Even the bad bits are sponged over with ‘ah wells’ and ‘who cares,’ because the happy parts are so filed with joy that they are over shining and over powering any of the ‘h’jeebies.’
I’m lucky..and I know I always say that. But this is the first time in a long time, I ACTUALLY feel lucky, because my heart is at peace.
Good things happen to
good people. Good people find each other in the end, right?
I’ve always had faith
But I will say that this is the first time in my life, that i’m actually going to ‘THANK’ Cupid. (The little geezer in a diaper, did good.)
He shot his arrow and aimed pretty well.
And yeah everyone’s asking away and acting a little alarmed,
a little ‘who, what where?’ But
that’s because I haven’t told anyone about anything, because I didn’t need to…and
that’s probably why it’s going so well. (If I did, everyone would just jump on
board and start judging with ferocious ‘think
they know everything’ drama sticks. Sticks are always dodgy.)
On the whole, I don’t like judgey people because i’m someone who is ALWAYS judged, by those who do not know me personally. I’ve even had people USE the fact, that they’d KNOW i’d be wrongly judged…to make themselves look ‘squeaky clean.’ (That kinda hurts my feelings.)
But the main reason why I dislike it, is because i’m pretty
well mannered, meaning I would never EVER judge someone else. I’m winning the
war right now and i’m really grateful for all the love you’re sending my way.
Especially because i’ve been fighting for the rights of other people, in conjunction
with both Glamour Magazine AND Hello
Magazine. (I love their ‘Hello to Kindness’ campaign. It’s such a beautiful
Anyway, on the relationship front…I’m really happy. He’s a beautiful human. He’s kind. He’s respectful. He’s supportive. He’s loving. He’s smart. He’s sexy. But he’s certainly not a pushover.
It’s all pure, real and magical…and i’m loving it.
I’m filled to the brim with a giddy excitement and a gentle sway of ‘ooh laa,’ as life has just come together. Away from my love life, my babies Ruby & Junior, are beaming at their most confident, right now. Ruby is going from strength to strength emotionally & Junior is smashing school. (We’ve been going through a rocky climb with one of their fathers and it’s been really unpleasant. But they’re champions and I’m so proud of them.)
Ruby: ‘Mum. Thank you for always keeping us together. I love you.’
Me: ‘I haven’t done anything. I just supported you both and I’m so proud of you for standing by each other and for what you believe is right.’
My work life has kinda welcomed me back with the warmest open arms. I feel really lucky. I’m loving every single minute. I can’t even believe that i’m nearly 40 (well 38) and still getting my ‘pose on’ in a bikini. I’m grateful for the love. I’m grateful for every breath I take, without putting my back out. Haha.
Talking about the pics. The ones that my favourite Geordie photog @fleekfotography took..I just want to thank you ALL, for the mad ‘social’ love i’m receiving! He honestly smashed it. I mean, I don’t think another photographer has shot me as well, as Chris did, that day. My comments, my DM’s…my everything and above, have gone wild.
But he’s just so much fun and my new gay bestie. As soon as I strutted into The Briggate Boutique (which is the cutest, customised hotel, right by Call Lane…)
Me: ‘I’m in Room 8. I have a shoot there.’
Reception: ‘Oh sure! Go straight up.’
..and I peeked my head around the door, whilst looking up to him, over a sassy looking indoor fire escape… his cheeky little face, said it all. I knew we were going to shoot well. The room was filled with a cheery, wittiness…We just got on with it and shot, as I stood around half naked and he screwed things in giant lights.
Me: ‘OMG. You even have the cutest garden on your terrace.’
Chris: ‘Haha. I know. It’s funny.’
Me: ‘Wait. I need a wee…don’t listen.’
(I’m sat on the loo, by a saucily light shower cubicle, in my undies, singing at the top of my voice, so he couldn’t hear me wee…as he set up the next shot. Haha.)
You know you’ve shot well, when you’ve taken more pictures than you thought? (‘We’ve literally done hundreds more!!!) Then just like that, after we’d both done our jobs…We got changed, got sorted and just assumed the other person was obviously now going cocktail. (Haha.)
We didn’t even mention it, we just sort of started walking out the hotel together and towards 2 for 1 Cocktails, at The Slug & Lettuce, next door to Ginos. Within 10 mins, we had Porn Star Martinis and Long Island Iced Teas…in each hand, like we’d been sat there all night.
Then Brad (@brad_quinnn ) showed up, with tattoos on his face, a shirt that read ‘Cross my heart and hope to die,’ after a gym work out, getting lost and an Epsom salt bath.
Brad: ‘Feel me. I’m dry as fuck.’
Me: ‘I don’t want to feel ya!’
Chris: ‘He says he’s here. But he’s not…cos we’re here??’
Me: ‘Shall we find him?’
Brad: ‘No more than 2mls. I’m telling ya.’
Me: ‘Just because you’re fit now…doesn’t mean you should be a…’
He found us. He was shooting next. But we kinda had an
accidental cocktail interlude before that shoot. We pretty much persuaded him
Brad: ‘You can force me to buy a drink then neither of you want one!!!’
Chris: ‘I’ll have a vodka coke.’
Then after banter, (‘I love how you started giving Brad relationship tips over cocktails.) We pretty much started talks about sex, life, dates, love, lip fillers, blow jobs, Geordie shore, photoshoots, Sam Reece and messages to friends, during ‘I wasn’t ready’ pics.
Life was great! I might have swore a little more than
necessary. But, I was in safe company. I loved the boys. However, Mama Wunna,
had to round the troops up and get them on their way, as I tinkered back on the
train home and hugged them both a ‘merry shoot.’
The pics from that day were INSANE…and it’s because we all got on so well. Success is never just based on what you do, or what you achieve…as the best result come from the relationships you make along the way.
I sound like Buddha!
Godda Go. (I’m actually filming right now and they’ve let me have fifteen mins out, to quickly write this to post.)
Hi, my gorgeous treats of tinkle. I’m happy as can be. I feel like i’m doing everything right for once? Life is serving up a fair set of cards. I feel alive. I feel loved. I feel lucky. And although things aren’t always that easy. I feel like i’m headed down a more welcoming path.
I’m back on Northern soil. I’ve had the busiest last week..and I MEAN the busiest!!
It’s been filled with photo shoots, meetings, new people, old people, cocktails, train journies, life, love, film cameras, hotels, cities and work.
I’ve tinkered to Leeds, shimmied to Newcastle, waved my magic wand all over Yorkshire, swanned over to Cobham, Surrey, stopped off for scripts in London, returned to Doncaster to give The Wunna Babies everything they wished for and then at the crack of dawn shot back down to London, to film a little something with the BBC.
It’s been the best time ever. This is me.
I’ve managed to have a lot of fun in between. I’ve worked hard. But that’s what I do. That’s who I am. I enjoy my job and I feel like the luckiest little kitten in the world. Work makes me feel alive. (Like I have a purpose.) The babies make me feel ‘whole.’ (Like I have a purpose.) The ‘fun bits’ make it all worthwhile. It keeps the ‘sizzle’ juicy. 😉 (Almost like I have a purpose.)
If you could see in my head, you would literally die of shock…or maybe be a bit a little ‘moist.’ Haha.
But i’m grateful and I’m thankful, that i’m still here, doing my do…with my head held high and a warmth in my heart that glows.
Right, I’ve got so much to tell you that i’m not even gonna begin it until tomorrow. (I’m back now, I can blog.)
I did shoots and cocktails with Chris @fleekfotography in Leeds, the other day. He actually shot the above pics, and it’s INSANE. He’s gay, he’s Geordie, he’s now my personal photographer and we is ‘BOUJI.’
Let me tell you, his work is he’s phenomenal. When you shoot, you need a connection with your photographer. They need to understand you and you need to trust their creativeness.
Both Chris and I northern, so our banter is on point…Alongside the ‘snippy snaps’ it’s all belly laughs, ‘wish we had wine’ and ‘Geordie/Yorkshire ‘hoo haas.’
It was actually really good fun, having a gay glamour photog. We did cocktails afterwards, because obviously it’s essential.
Me: ‘I can’t believe you’ve already finished ya drink!’
Chris: ‘Ya with a Geordie now. I can handle my drink. Haha.’
But i’m gonna go back to this story, on the next blog because there’s lots more to it…and a guest….But please scroll ya eyes back up to my pic…WE smashed it! I love the shot. Any guy, be he gay or straight, you can make me feel beautiful, deserves cocktails.
So, I travelled down to Surrey and stayed at The Woodlands
Park Hotel. I felt really lucky. The place is utterly peaceful, yet grand. It
oozes an old school charm, filled with warm fire places, drawing rooms and chandeliers. It was beautiful and the staff were a dream.
The service was impeccable and i’m so grateful because it was the loveliest
From rose wines, double espressos, snapchat chitter, new beginnings, love, laughter, truths, no judgement, tales, life and learning….it was wonderful.
Life felt really real. I was happy. It was simple. It was peaceful, but it was exciting. I made secret memories, that no one will ever really know about…and they’re memories that i’ll treasure and maybe giggle about some day.
There were times where I was nervous. Times when I felt enthralled. Times where I felt sexy, inspired…and split my sides with laughter. But most of all…times that just felt right.
There were moments alone, moments of togetherness. Moments with wine around a raging fire. There were times where I enjoyed chilling in my bubble and just walking around in my undies. . whilst swearing, laughing, catching up with old friends and getting to know new souls.
I’m someone who knows what I want. I’m very clear when it comes to that. I don’t always get what I want. But most of the time I try to. Haha.
All i do know is that….
Everything that’s meant to be will always find it’s way to
But yes, i’m gonna try and get through all my shenanigans over the next few blogs. But know that i’m back to blogging.
Thank you for all the love on my socials. I couldn’t adore you anymore. Thank you.
Right now my life feels like a dream. I guess, i’m the luckiest girl in the world.
Anyway, i’ve got to go…I have a meeting. (There’s a middle aged gentleman sat across from me and he’s in tears. ;( It’s always really hard to see someone trying to get on with their own version of life…when it’s maybe a little tricky.)
It’s the tricky parts that make us who we are. The best bits. The bits that create us. That turn us into life soldiers.
Do the things that make you happy. Feel free. love hard. Cry if you need to. Laugh whenever you can.
Hi! Sorry there’s not been many blogs. I’m not gonna blame it on ‘busy.’ I’m not gonna blame it on anything. I just haven’t felt like writing it, until know…Oh and it’s not because i’m growing out of it. (Quite the opposite.) This blog almost acts like my therapy.
I just have so so much going on right now…and I literally can’t tell you ANYTHING about any of it, openly.
All’s good. Nothing’s bad. I’m really lucky. I’ve been with the kids. We’ve been stroking Armadillo’s at Miss. Murphy’s, over prosecco pours, by Yorkshire folk…Some with Raccoons on their heads. Some with jelly pots and samosas in their hands.
‘Why is there a Guinea pig, alone on the stairs?
‘Whenever i’m on a horse, it falls asleep.’
‘I need another prosecco.’
It’s just been a good old time with family and friends.
I’ve have great catch up chats and I’ve just loved life. To me…everything is about balance.
Miss. Murphy: ‘Do you want me to grab that snake, so you can Britney Spears with it?’
I’m smashing work. I’m almost grateful to the Jan 1st ‘hater’ simply because she ‘woke me up’ and made me feel like I had something to prove.
I pulled my head out my comfy arse…and got on with it.
Now…and because of her…I’ve had an excellent start to the year. I actually couldn’t be more grateful. Haha.
I’ve told you a lot about my life, haven’t I over the years. But as i’ve grown older and seemingly more popular, i’ve learnt to value my privacy a great more. Infact, I treasure it.
During this time of my life, I don’t think I’ve ever had so many people tinker into Wunna Land (and I’m ever so grateful for your love & support.) I think i’m just in shock.
Social Media has officially changed my life…and I do actually love that. I’m just ‘in new heels and having to bed them in,’ so to speak.
Everyone keeps asking me about my love life. I don’t really know what to say, other than ‘i’m happy, right now.’ I always say ‘right now’ because you never know what can happen? But i feel really lucky. I’m excited.
(Kenny at The Mallard has just assured me that all is well in my life. You know you’ve officially lost the plot, when you have to ask other folk, if you’re okay? Haha)
Everything feels okay. Everything feels right. It’s perfect. In 2019, I told you, i’m all about giving things a go…and just enjoying getting on with life, without intruders & without listening to judgey people.
I’m doing what makes me happy (which isn’t really a stretch. Haha) I’m embracing new chapters. I’m doing life the way i’ve always wanted to.
I’m enjoying all that’s going on…
So I can put it this way….so far….I reckon I have a Valentine. Lol. (That’s about as emotional, as I’m getting..because as always, i’m ‘cautiously, cautiously’ along.’) He’s been nothing but great to me. He’s been all respectful and kind. We’ve chatted all day, every day…
Things have been great.
So yes, i’m happy. I’m ‘cautiously, cautiously, but with no judgements’ happy. Haha.
I’m also chipper because i’ve had the best banter with a now really good friend of mine ‘T Bone.’ (Who used to be ‘The Swirl.’ ) I wished them Happy Birthday, as they turn 33 today and after everything…I can honestly say, that no one cracks me up more.
We have such a weird understanding of each other and what i’m noticing is that our banter seems to be standing the test of time. It’s graduated and stepped up a level. (We both have public personas…and it’s good to not have to play those roles, with one another.)
So yeah….Great friendship made…and I love great friendships..Y’know the real kind, because they always last a lifetime.
Life is good. The cat’s tried to eat me. Finding a pure white bra in Wunna land, has been like trying to find dancing elves, guarding a pot of gold, at the end of a flipping rainbow and my first born has forced me to hire her a disco party bus.
My single gay best friend Liam, has consulted me on his potential, future love matches. A blued eyed gent, by a horse, seems to be winning. Liam wants to entertain him via the fine art of oral sex.
Me: ‘His eyes are cute. Why is he stroking a horse?’
Liam: ‘I want to be on my knees, looking up at those eyes!’
Chicks would never say that would we? Haha. But I love my gays and my guy friends for it. It makes me laugh. Yet only because my insta inbox hears it all the time…every minute. It’s made me immune to being shocked my a tinker of the naughty.
Plus, I think sex is healthy. It’s good for the soul. So lets hope Liam finds true love.
I also chatted to my other friend early this morning. The poor sod, has been going through awkward…well just really BAD press. Haha. He’s been hit with ‘kiss & tells’ like a fame hungry hurricane.
I can’t even believe it’s still going on…But i’m glad that he said his piece…He has my support 100 percent. When you can laugh about things, you know it’s cool.
Me: ‘I love that all your private messages are all over the news. I’m pissing myself.’
‘It’s just crazy. They have no class.’
We sort of have this bizarre friendship, where we’re like siblings…who banter, vent and slag people off if we need to, in private. Yet the most important thing is that we have each others back…I value our friendship over any petty bullshit. I want to look back, laugh and send him a text when I’m 74 reading…
‘Remember that time in 2017, when you were a complete tosser.’
It’s ace. I love it. It’s a fun rapport. To me…they are nothing short of a great human…and if i’m being honest, i’m kinda finding the fun in the drama. It’s making me giggle.
I’m doing my Q & A’s on insta again and i’m flooded with questions galore. I really appreciate the love that i’m getting and I ‘m grateful that you even bother to tune in.
It makes me happy. I don’t have much to be sad about, yet for some reason, having a cyber audience, comforts me? It makes me extra happy?
Back in the day, you could say I had issues. (And I don’t. So shush. Haha.) However, in the age that we’re currently living in, loving a bit of social media *applause* is pretty normal.
Everyone currently keeps asking me about my love life? I seem to not be saying much, for being so open and honest. I get that. But over the years, i’ve just kinda learnt that there are some things that I don’t need to tell everyone about, if I wasn’t read to.
I’m happy…and that’s all you need right? ‘m in the ‘early days’ happy…and I’ll tell you that I utterly respect this person, because they’ve approached the whole thing respectfully and with love…..
They’re a really great human and great humans are want i’m into. Thoughtfulness, kindness, swag, sexiness and…(I can’t think of anything to go on the list.) But i feel lucky. He’s a beautiful person.
It’s just right….
It really is…just right.
I just know..
We all know, that i’m shit when it comes to my love life and I never know why because by nature, I am THE MOST loving human?
But I think the key to happiness in these situations, when it comes to love and relationships,is to keep shit simple. People over complicate everything. I don’t worry about the small stuff. I just enjoy the right now.
2019 is all about going for it…Just going for stuff, without worry. Doing YOU and living it…Y’know seeing what happens and enjoying the adventure.
So, that’s what i’m doing…whilst minding my own business. 😉
Just a wonderful day, filled with wonderful feelings, dipped in wonderful moments, sprinkled with wonderful times.
Today someone made me smile and the simple art of making someone grin, is nothing short of magical, right?
This is a different grin to normal…as it’s a stable beam of peacefulness. It doesn’t feel erratic or wrong. It feels very ‘together. Really well rounded. It feels very right.
It was certainly unexpected, y’know…kinda out the blue? Yet connections and path crossings are always bets this way and always worth something, when your heart is still open and your mind is fresh.
Today was a good day.
I’m excited. I’m happy. I’m lucky.
I entered 2019 with an ’embrace life’ kinda attitude. A real ‘you only life once’ kinda vibe. A true meaning and purpose. An attitude filled with love, where I would never judge another, yet go forth with a spirit of adventure.
That attitude has served me well.
So, i know this a really short spurt of a blog..and I know that it’s someone cryptic.
But it’s enough for you to understand, that today was a really good day. 😉
Things are great. I’m back from my mini travels. I’m really busy. I’m on shoot after shoot and it feels great. I’m working hard. I’m trying to get my game back on and strong. I feel really lucky and I truly appreciate the support i’m getting.
The reason why it feels so good, is because i’m just minding
my own business and getting on with my version of life, with a joy in my heart.
I don’t tangle in other peoples drama. I don’t tinker where I’m not meant to
tinker. I don’t measure myself up against others. Nor do I shoot others
down…unless they cross a certain line of respect.
I’m keeping myself to myself. I’m doing what I love. I’m
sharing my life story and i’m hopefully inspiring others.
Always do what you love. Always cherish the people who, NO
MATTER WHAT, have your back.
Don’t waste time on things that hurt you, bore you…y’know
the things that don’t make you feel whole or happy.
Good things happen to good people…Always, ALWAYS remember
I didn’t think that
I’d be doing all these shoots at 38. I’m nearly 40 and still reaching for my
stockings or bikini. I’m happy I am, because now I feel as though i’m truly
representing something. I’m fighting a worthy fight. When I feel like I have a
purpose, I feel mighty. It makes me work harder.
It kinda took that
girl ‘hating on me’ on Jan 1st, to motivate me. Never let anyone
tell you, you’re too old…or that you CAN’T do something. You’re always gonna
be rusty at first. You’re always gonna mess up. But when you work hard. When
you do all that you can, but with a sincere peace in your heart, you’ll smash
it and you’ll feel proud.
That pride will radiate lovingly from you and that kinda
love is contagious. It’s inspiring. I love to feel inspired by others. I love
to see that glow. I love to fall down a couple ‘strength rungs,’ yet be able to
look up with hope…
I’ll tell you the
truth. I do feel old. Yet, i’m not trying to be young. I’m trying to be me. So
is it a ‘comeback?’ Yeah, I’d say so…and I guess a lot of people are doing
the same. I think it’s because when you grow older, and you’ve kind of career,
that has involved a bit of ‘glitz.’ You want to be able to prove TO YOURSELF
that you can do it AGAIN. It’s twisted, but fun, all at the same time. Lol.
I wanna blow my OWN mind, without putting my back out. Haha.
So, yeah i’m really excited for my next shoot… I’m having
fun. I’m enjoying it.
Chick friend: ‘You’re like this weird never ageing woman?’
Me: ‘Must be all the cocktails. It kept my soul hydrated.
‘No. But honestly. You look better now, than you did before.
You look better in person, than you did on tv.’
‘Thanks. That’s sweet. My body feels old though. Anyone can
throw money at themselves and LOOK a certain way. I’m trying my best.’
Anyway, i’ve got to wrap this up because I have an 11.30am
meet up with ‘Big A’ from House of Solo Magazine.
I cried last night and Ruby cuddled me. I’m going through
such a wonderful time in my career and with the kids. My love life isn’t even
rubbish. I’m talking to someone and I like them.
Keiran, who is my ex husband…My son’s Father…. is
causing all kinds of problems in Wunna Land, to the point where everyone’s had
enough. (It’s only because i’m doing really well and he can’t control any of
us.) Anyway, he’s got his religious ‘judgemental’ knickers in a twist and
trying to be all threatening. (Which really isn’t very Godly of him? It’s more
‘gangsta’ but less juicy.) It’s kinda got to the point where the children have
had enough. When that happens….I sort it.
But y’know when you just have a moment, where you just need
a big shout or a big cry, when no ones looking. I opted for a secret cry. Haha.
Now, I actually feel fine. I feel all Girl Power! 😉
Ruby (Last night)…as she cuddled me: ‘Don’t cry mum…You
look like a frog.’
Don’t give energy to people or things that litter your world
with their own negativity….They do not deserve a reaction…
Today, I learnt not to EXPECT anything. . I kinda actually learnt it last year. I had to learn it over and over again. This year, i’ve nailed it. I’m another tick away from being an official grown up. (Slurps wine.) One that is tune with her soul, herself and sanity. (I guess that comes with life experience? I guess that comes with age?)
I learnt to just appreciate what was going on, in a moment, without slapping on labels, padlocks or territory marks. Sometimes we tend to run away with things. Our emotions become wonderfully ‘juiced’ with a spirit that makes us uncontrollably giddy.
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and you could read me a mile off. It like i shone ‘beacon’ strong. Now, at 38, i’m less of a giddy kitten and more of a fully graduated feline of woman. I’m loving it. I’m purring, like a Queen.
I’m not dull, I still have giddy moments, where I gush with this innocent happy spring of puppy. Kinda like a ‘jumping bean’ on Tequila shots, when ya favourite song comes on the radio.
BUT, I tend to get excited privately now. I don’t want it to always be that way. Yet, for now, it works for me.
I don’t do it privately because I play my cards close to my. (I have a massive. You’d be able to read my cards.)
Yet, because i’ve kinda just woken up at 38, and realized that i’ve done and been through so much in life. I’ve literally done so much. I’ve experienced SO MUCH. I’ve learnt everything the hard way. I’ve thrived in my career with confidence, over the years. LA built that in me. It forced me to grow up fast. It was the first time i realized I had sex appeal. It’s the city that served me well. I’ve always found keeping love, hard. We know that. (But it’s been fun.) And it won’t be a struggle forever. Lol.
I’ve looked back at everything. I reflected over the good, the bad, and the ugly. I read about people. I hung out with new strangers, last year. I learnt so much…
Infact SO MUCH, that by now…in life…I should be cool…and I am. It finally feels great! Haha.
I love being an oldie now. No, that’s wrong. I love being wiser now. and I didn’t think I would because I fucking panicked when I had my 38th birthday, in December.
Chick friend: ‘What are you doing for your birthday?’
Me: ‘Nothing. Haha. Leave me alone.’
I felt uncomfortable, to say the least. I felt like I had to drink ALL of the wine, in ALL of the land, out of ALL of the bottles… like a pirate on a stormy ship. OR date a flipping Toy Boy, for a blink of a second… JUST to make myself feel better, for a single moment of pleasure! Haha.)
I didn’t do any of that…Well, I might have drank?
When you expect nothing and you surrender to the art of such,
with a positive glow, you are never ever disappointed. And you’re never
disappointed because if you expected nothing, in the first place, but you appreciated
EVERYTHING, you’ll always be content.
Right, or wrong?
I mean, I’ve nailed the above so far this year. I’m smashed
it. It’s so sensible, it’s boring me.
I’m laid back and chilled by nature. Don’t get it twisted. I’m not hectic, but i do like it when people think i’m all ‘diva.’ I don’t even know why? Haha. It must be a persona, I enjoy, kinda like a ‘drag act.’
Yet, I do reckon, that i’m not one of those ‘just content, through life’ kinda girls, because it’s something I have to actually TEACH MYSELF to do.
I enjoy rushes of excitement and swirls of magical glee. I
like to laugh out loud, with a dripping cocktail in my hand. Y’know…just
madly, until my eyes weep and my sides hurt. I love to get lost in happiness. I
love to celebrate and enjoy those moments, because when they come along in
life, you’ve just got to hold onto them, before they fade.
Plus, I like to make a ‘doo daa’ out of good memories because I want to be 80 years old and *flash back* to such moments with pride. By that time rum will have turned my brain a simple clump of breathing meat…So I have to stick bells on shit, to simply help me remember. Haha.
Getting lost in whirlwinds is always fun…
But, without that sturdy bit of sense, or that grounded bit of balance, all you have is MADNESS. Madness, is rarely attractive, it’s lonely and it really doesn’t get you anywhere, in the end.
I still feel annoyed at that chick for using my friend, for a bit of pressy ‘look at me.’ Especially when I found out that she had been talking to two of my other friends at the same time. People are douches. I have so much respect for him and he doesn’t deserve to have to go through something so small publicly, by someone so ‘hungry.’
Me: ‘I’ve got ya back on this…’
TBone: ‘It’s not even a story!’
But back to me… Lol
Everything around me is changing…and it’s wonderful. I feel it in the air.
(Oh wait… My phones pinging. I’m at Ego, blogging with a wine.)
You know when you get though messages that just make you smile…. 😉