You’d f****** Make Paris Sausages

Woke up this morning in the a grey mens cardigan, soiled panties and in the bed of a dude i’m naming ‘Gorst.’ I was out in Manchester last night with a bunch of my new found manchurian guy friends, ‘Wiley’ (who i love.) Jamie (a sweetheart, who i also love) and then this apparent sex pest named ‘Pearce.’ (Who by the end of the night claimed to have lost the will to live, was so drunk he bumped into an actual glass store and also threatened to smack me across my ‘fucking’ face. To which i replied,’ If u touch me, i’ll smash this glass over your fucking bald assed head.’ He did one of those sick sex pest smiles. Oh and ofcourse ‘Gorst’ whos bed i woke up in and had promised i would make out with the day before.

Good night, quite fun to say we kept arriving everywhere too early. yet it was fine because i committed to trying to get as pissed up as possible at 8pm, by getting through a couple double JD and cokes, bought for me by sexy ‘Jamie’ who necked five down like a champion within the first 2 minutes, whilst claiming that he wasn’t an alcoholic and was simply quite thirsty. I stood there wishing someone would spike my drink. I looked around and ‘Wiley’ was being ‘purple shirted’ and over excited about something. ‘Gorst’ was calling me a slag and i’m sure ‘Pearce’ (the sex pest) was trying to feel things up against their will. Then two new girls Jen and Emma arrived. Loved them. One had boobs like road works and is quite partial to 14 yr old boys. The other orders cider and black, in lounges and gropes ‘Wileys’ cock when drunk. LOVE IT!!

Went all over, Living Room, Panacea, and then Casino. The boys gambled and won. They were actually so much hotter with massive wads of cash in their hands. (Not even joking.) All men should flash the cash. It will make girls like you more. Wiley was being a slag and mouching free drinks off a rich suitor at ‘Circle.’ Probably ‘put out’ for them. And well i went back to ‘Gorst’s’ house with the man himself and Jamie (who claims he hates talking to birds on the phone. He only likes ‘shagging.’ Oh and hates men called ‘Dan’ with bad breath, that talk too close to his face.)

Got into bed with ‘Gorst’ not much happened apart from him asking me when my birthday was, followed by making out, me being rolled ontop of him, more making out, showing him by boobies, a bit of a blow job, a little bit of vagina munching and finger banging, followed by a short moment of passion, only to find out (after all that palava) that he wouldn’t ‘put out.’ He’s saving himself for the Dear Lord. So we spooned. (I roll my eyes.) He didn’t have a condom and didnt fancy herpes for breakfast. He prolly has it in his mouth though. Delish!

Dropped me off in the morning. I looked like a used up slag. A handsome boy in Y Fronts answers ‘Wiley’s’ door…which is where i was supposed to be staying. (Not saying anything but I really thought he would’ve had a hot chick over. Wasn’t the plan to bonk Emma? I guess he couldn’t resist Jasons Y Fronts.) I got in at 9.30am. Then was forced to eat sausages that i refused to make, as i didnt know how, with marmalade, and brown sauce. (Fucking gross.) The boys kept yelling at me for being a shit wife and claimed that i would’ve made ‘Paris sausages and that my idea of making a cup of tea, was simply getting the mugs out, turning the kettle on then fucking off to look at myself in mirrors to pout. Like honestly, as if anyone knows how to make sausages???  And i wouldn’t have made Paris sausages at all. Did u not watch the show? I made her a ‘Disco ball’ with a side of lipgloss, for lunch.

Had a nap, watch the boys ‘hurt,’ smoked a few fags, got ridiculed for being thick and then for being a lesbian. Got on a train and now i’m back home watching ‘Slumdog Millionaire.’ Is this day over yet? I have constipation.

49 thoughts on “You’d f****** Make Paris Sausages”

  1. Well, if you’re going to be turned down, at least you’re second only to God (as far as “Gorst” is concerned). 🙂

    And big up’s to you for making good on your promise to make out with him. 🙂

    Reply
  2. Oh really? Oh yeah, by the side of the bed. U can wistfully hold them on lonely nights and pray for the day that we shall re-meet. Maybe you’ll ‘put out’ next time. lol

    Reply
  3. i aint a cave man and i can pull so danyal needs to pipe down and adam i dont flirt with u shun i might do in your dreams bruv but in reality nit and chrissie u are a sort but smashes means have sex as in smash the granny out of her

    Reply

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