Opened my eyes, to another pair of open eyes that were GLARING right at me. Some bitch of a battle axe was in my bed and when her mouth opened it said: ‘Remember that time you said you were going to fuck all my sons, and then proceeded to sing ‘it’s like your son going down on me?’ I replied with a polite, ‘Who the fuck let you in here?? (And a very quick sheepish..) ‘No, i don’t remember that at all?’ Anyway it would seem that karma really is a bitch and if you dare to toy with it, old baggy faced hags end up in your bed, with their sons downstairs waiting for you to do all sorts of romantic breakfasts with them. Look, you cannot show up IN MY BED, to try and trick me into hanging out with the fucking distgusting fruit of your loins. She literally dragged me out of my comfy sheets, whilst i was kicking, screaming and calling her ‘fat,’ fixed my hair and tumbled me down into the living room where breakfast was already prepared. Luckily her ‘vagina litter’ had magically transformed into strapping young hotties, since my last 5 year departure. I had breakfast with 3 scrummy boys. I fucking LOVE my life!! They weren’t actually that hot…they just came with Mimosas, which makes any boy 94% more delicious.
Anyway lots has happened! Children (the youth of our nation) are now naming their domestic pets after me, i’ve become an idol to 15 year old girls, gays and women. I’m on a list of ‘The worlds billionaire heiresses (to be)’- which is the biggest load of bully i’ve ever read, as i’m nowhere near that little chunk of change mark and one of my friends is cold, shivering whilst drinking herbal tea and has just come to the basic realization (FINALLY) that he needs to re-evalute his life….(and simply because he’s not sipping champagne and rolling a soiled hottie out of his sheets.) I love the ‘roll of the hottie’ it should become an Olympic sport. I could ‘heavy whoppasaurus’ for the good of our country, and bring back the Gold. (It would be in the form of an STD, a new delicious range of golden crusted herpes) yet still worth the ‘roll.’ (What the hell am i on about?? I was raised all kinds of wrong.)
About 15 mins ago a little Scottish lady randomly called my cell phone. I didn’t recognize the number, yet answered it anyway. (Which i never do ever, so don’t try it!) She told me who she was and that her daughter ‘Jade’ had seen me shopping in Doncaster last weekend, and wanted to chase me after i waved, yet was simply too shy to do so and couldn’t get through the crowd. ‘Scottish Lady’ wondered whether i would come and be a part of a charity fashion show on April 17th. I loved the idea of kids getting their Mothers to actually call me and asking me to do something random. It’s cute! Now that i’ve been on the telly in England, no-one dare talk to me anymore and it makes me all ‘huffy puffy,’ because i see them all watching me, whispering and ofcourse camera phoning me to death. Yet it takes them a lot, to pluck up some good old fashioned ‘lion heart’ and run up to me squealing. However, once one does (and it takes about 5 steps forward)…it ‘s like a domino affect and then i go from twiddling my thumbs and going ‘heellllo? I’m on the telly’ to running down a street as fast as i can, in sunglasses, with hoards of giggly teenage girls chasing me. I LOVE IT!! I feel like more of an Icon now, than a used up old slut of a floozy. I’m BIG TIME baby and doing it all over your land. (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!)
Anyway, i agreed to show up at this Charity event. It’s Charity… always makes you look good, even at the worst of times. (lol) Yet then it suddenly dawned on me that somehow this little Scottish lady had found my number?? My digits!! My secret code!!! Apparently, she just called up her local press and they gave it to her!! (hahaha) So there you have it! My number’s for free…call your local.
I love you all My Sexy Gibblets of Hardcore! I’m leaving to go to a brunch with midgets.
Chrissie Wunna (Listenning to ‘Ay Chico’ by Pitbull)