When the gloves go down….

When you night ends with you pretty much almost karate chopping your future husband in the the face, back, body, neck because he has claimed that you will be a ‘fatty when you’re older’ after Tequila…then you know you’re either GREATNESS or like me….A TWAT. We’re both feisty, passionate. We want to win our fights and champion our cause. It began due to us given a friend named ‘Adeline’ who wanted sexytime diet advice. But yeah, as always, i’ll get to that later. (UGH! I’M SHIT WITH BOYS!!) Firstly, let me take you back to ‘last night,’ where we ere happy, excited and bubbling over with love, love, LOVE!

Gte the early train home after rushing through Leeds train station, excited to see Keiran, misssed him all day, couldn’t wait to be in his arms. We’ve been so madly in love since ‘hanging our gloves up’ and well like i said there isn’t a couple liek us. We’re great friend, great bonking partners, a great family, great partners.

I rush out of Sandal & Agbrigg train station and merrily leap into my hubby’s car. He’s had a spray tan, ( i fucking need one tooo,) he’s excited about his new modelling career and for the first time in a looong time i’ve looked in his eyes and seen him 100% happy. (The boy’s hard on himself…he wants to do well. We both are and both do. I love making his *magic* happen.)

He takes me to The Castle for rum by fireplace, in a cozy light of ‘ooh’ with out good friends ‘Turner in the background’ and his lovely lady Adeline. They don’t like us to treat them for some reason, so we MAKE them, in order to make us feel like good people. Lol. (They’re now trying to upgrade their ‘when we make it bigtime wish list’ from a rug to a house or something, because they made us Mexican food?? We had grilled salmon, dark rum, shots, creme brulee, good banter and snuggles all night long.

We gushed about our wedding, our Hen and Stag do’s, our lives and being filmed. ‘Handsome Keiran’ was beaming with ultimate delight…like i had made all his very dreams come true, with a magical Wunna flair and a wiggle  from the Heavens. You could feel his excitement. It radiated from every cell of his Fake baked being. 😉 I loved it. I felt of worth. *Hairtoss-wink-rum shot* In that moment…i was the BEST girlfriend EVER!

Then tequila happened…with rum…by a fireplace…after a creme brulee. [This is the part of my life I call ‘For Fucks sake’]

We’d made ‘Tuner in the background’ and Adeline drink because we’re pushy and i hate non-drinkers around me when i’m drinking. I refuse to let anyone be a sober. But because i’m a rum-doer and whole heartedly believe i’m having the greatest time on earth…i think everyone should be…which i’ve learnt…is wrong. Ha!

Went back to theirs…after talking about ‘Turner in the Background’ being frigid. (Hope he doesn’t mind me saying that? But ah well..it’s in here now. 🙂 ) Comedy. Russell brand, fur walls, booze and P.Diddy occured. ‘Turner’ went to bed. Keiran filled in his modelling forms. I tried to spice up Adeline’s sex life, against her will.

THEN CAME THE FUCKING DIET TALK. (Some random boy named ‘Simon’ has just sent me an inbox reading ‘You..Me…Sex Partie.’ I don’t like boys who can’t spell ‘sex party.’ I mean you have one shot to say anything you want to me and that’s how he chose to present himself. Lol..10 points. No ‘Sex Partie’ for me sir! I’m a mum, a bride-to-be and with a front wedgie. I really do have a front wedgie. Awfullest thing you could ever imagine. Marketing with a camel toe. Not sure how i’ve gotten this distracted…??)

Diet talk was bad. Both Keiran and I were trying to convince Adeline that we knew the answer to her ‘wanting to lose weight’ prayers. This would’ve been good if we were on the same TEAM. But now. We tangoed away from the bubble for a second and fought like WARRIORS..until he took it too far.

We’re playfully bickering, bickering bickering. He’s showing off his six pack. I’m tapping into her more feminine side. We’re both trying to convince her that our personal way is the BEST way and then in order to WIN his side of the argument, he ‘low blows’ and says ‘When SHE’S (she? Who the fuck are YOU talking toooo?) older, she’s gonna be FUCKING FAT AND HORRIBLE an di’m gonan TRADE HER IN for a younger hotter girl.’

Low blow! I was done. So i smoked a cigarette. (the fight had danced it’s way into the kitchen and poor Adeline was now feeling the tension and trying to ease a ‘maybe about ot happen’ storm. You could feel the tempers in the room.

Anyway, he kept saying ti and saying it, in order to piss me off. So i PISSED him off and said , ‘Well yeah…*grabs coat* we’ll ALL be laughing when you go to your audition and they DON’T pick you and instead pick a YOUNGER, HOTTER, FITTER boy!’ He immediately stopped. [Pause here.] I’d hurt his feelings. He quietly said, ‘Why would you say that for!!!’ And i iced it off with a ‘So you can’t take what you dish out then little boy!’

I’ll fast to forward to home.

We’re in our house, upstairs, being moody, awkward but somewhat loving to one another. We’re laid in bed doing that deliberate ‘not going to snuggle you‘ thing. Then we bring it all up again…he claims he never said anything evil to me. We both apologise. The both take back our apologies and before you know it he’s STORMING out of bed saying that he’s leaving, after i’ve got out of bed angry and sreamed ‘GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!’

He’s in his boxers. I’m NAKED with my dodgy weave.  We’re in the bedroom. The lights are out, and we’re lit by outside street lamps, beaming through the night time window. We’re shouting. He’s now mad that i’ve tried to throw him out. Then i decide i don’t want him to leave…because he’s leaving. (Helllooo Tequila!) he’s not listening..not stopping, breaking up with me…trying to pack his bags…so i did what any Glamour Puss of Ultimate tragico would do. I *smacked* him one.

We’re now sort of wrestling on the bed, half naked and i’m telling him not to leave, as he’s trying to. I’m slapping him. He’s warning me not too. (‘I swaer do that one more time Chrissie & you’ll see what happens!’)

It got soo far that we claimed he didn’t want to marry me, be with me, live with me and didn’t deserve to get treated that way.

He gets dressed. He has joggers, a baseball cap and a grey hoodie on, with a giant ‘hold all’ strapped around him, doing the ‘i’m leaving’ march.I’m now running downstairs, following him in an angry panic, topless and in salmon coloured trackie bottoms on that i got from Primark. 😉 (I’m meant to be a fucking Glamour Puss! The weird thing is..it did kinda look quite glam.)

He’s agreeing to not go with a ‘I might not go now, but by tomorrow i’ll be sooo gone.’  I’m having a menthol out of my patio door…topless. 🙂 We’re shotuing. I’m pushing him back into the wall to make him not leave. Then bizarrely he sits down…and it ALL stops.

It all stops!

He sat down on the sofa, half laid and i rested my head on his chest in the calm.. I felt relieved, but fell asleep and woke up with him gently shaking me up, telling me i had to go to bed, he wasn’t going anywhere and that i had work in the morning. I refused to go tp bed, because i thought he was going to leave. Then i noticed that during my sleep, my eyes had actually cried and without me noticing. How sad is that! 🙁

As soon as Keiran noticed i had cried, he cuddled me, loved me wiped my eyes and took me upstairs. We’re in love and all that was for nothing. I asked him if he ‘really wanted to leave’ and he said ‘No.’ Why did i bother doing all that!

We laid naked in bed, in the dark saying ‘sorry.’ He told me to never put ‘my gloves down’ again. Then we bonked and haven’t been happier since.

Back to ‘fairytale’ folks. (Just told someone that  i ‘wee out glitter.’)

Welcome to Wunna Land!


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