Virgin Cocktails and Fires

Hello my delicious dumplings of dandy. I have missed you so much! It seems that this little Kitty cat has now plonked herself in a position where in which she now has no time for play, as her schedule has been filled up to the brim with a smooth pour of work, sprinkled with glitter. I mean, i’m not complaining, but the travelling is getting to me a bit. I find myself napping in the most inappropriate places, as we all know, the only decent place to nap is balancing on the end of a ‘meat stick’ that tells you, you have beautiful eyes, and has spent all it’s money on cocktails. What have i become!!! I’m meant to be a lady of leisure. Yet now, i’ve turned the art of lady of leisuring into art, making it a stepping stone for a jolly old career, making my leisure…what do you fine folk call it? Oh yeah….WORK! *Adjusts bra, Wiggles, Winks.*

So i’ve just got back from London the other day. 4am call times, finally did a poo, recieved text messages off unwanted exes and well seduced the weaker sex, in leopard print. A leopard print, maybe dipped in glitter number…that made me look a bit too porny for my own good. I’m over looking porny. It’s just not who I am…unless i’m trying to be mildy hilarious. I think it’s a look that’s simply been done and well i’m more playful, party Glamour puss, than sex goddess. (Even though that’s a title i don’t mind winning the trophy for. When you’re young you want to be sexy! When you’re older you want to be taken seriously, or for who you really are. I’m all about fun. I play merrily on both sides of the line.) I love Glamour, excess, stockings, diamonds and ‘oooh’…y’know, good old girly kitty wear. I LOVE a good cocktail and juicy *wink* of destruction and kind laughter. That part of me will never die…no matter how many pairs of heels i go through.

Anyway, so yeah, worked hard, rushed off to Kings Cross to catch my train back to Leeds. Oddly got there sooner than i thought i would, at 10.35am. I must have legged it…which is something i don’t find amusing. I hate to rush, or be rushed in anyway. My own time…or NOT AT ALL. Luckily, my own time seemed to be at the speed of light. I even had time to grab a Muller Rice, whist muttering on the phone to Loverboy, as ‘wanting to travel’ hotties watched my every move. (I’m like the most popular thing at Kings Cross on a morning! 🙂 ) All it takes is a *smile* and an *ooh i’m lost* face.

Finally get on a train, but not any train. Oh no! I…the Ulitmate Queen of boobied GREATNESS, get on a train that decides to [wait for it]…CATCH FIRE!!! Yep, i’m sitting there, all squashed and exhausted from the earliest call time ever, next to a thespian grandmother, who had chosen to live her whole life single and was eager to get to the Leeds Playhouse before dinner. Her toenails were red, as where her shoes. I liked her…she made me feel all warm and safe! (Her voice was gentle, stable and posh. I enjoy women who adrom that accent. It makes me feel as though everythings going to be okay!) Then she had a peek in my open bag, that i had by my feet, which was filled with panties, stockings, rollers, and all in one lace bedroom numbers. ‘Thespian Gran’ ( i love how i’m making her sound like a superhero,) directed her eyes at me from under her spectacles and *winked.* I loved her and wanted her to keep me forever! (Well i’m not really too good at ‘forever.‘ Just know that in Wunna Land, forever means ‘temporarily.’) I’m a mover and a shaker…there’s no holding me down!

So yeah, an hour and a half into the journey, the carriage infront of us SET ON FIRE, causing my carriage (mine, mine, mine) to fill up with smoke and be *oozed* with a deep smooth blanket of grey thick smoke, that smelt like burnt rubber. Suddenly an army, (3 people) who looked like they knew what they were doing, and worked for the train company) barged their way through the gangway, all elbows, panic, yet with fake ‘everythings going to be alright’ faces! The train stops…and announcement is made. We’re in a field…and i’m doomed.

Now, i couldn’t help but think that if this happened to me whilst being in America that the whole entire carriage would ahev gone balistic, jumped out of their seats madly, and started littering the air with OH MY GAAAAADS  and OH PLEASE LORD HELP’s!!!! There may have been banging on the windows, screaming and sarcastic mutters, by those who thought life was simply over.

In my ‘shortly to be caught on fire also’ carriage…the Brits were silent, calm and carried on about their normal business, almost as if nothing was happenning. There was no chaos, no panic and if i’m actually honest….smiles. Happy ones.  Infact, a lady said, ‘Well there’s nothing we can do about it, so all we can do is hope for the best!’ (I’m a fan of this attitude. next time, i’m in trouble, i’m going to chillax and toast a crumpet.) It was like there was no smoke, no broken ON FIRE train and life couldn’t have been more chipper. I enjoy how the British laugh off tragedy with witty, panic-less remarks. We’re like heros! Unfortunately, i’m quite American in my ways, when it comes to drama and expression  (because i find it funny, and the rebellion in me, the *wild* leaps it’s way forward)…so yeah…I WENT for the whole panic thing. I felt it suited my outfit! (Oh and i was totally in a grandpas, farmers hat!)

We were held on a non- moving train for approximately an hour…without air. The cabin crew were cute and gay and offered us free bottles of water to ease our pain. (‘Still or sparkling love?’) I mean, i couldn’t help but laugh. In our hour of ‘about to die’, the British train army felt that all we needed, in order to make life better was Evian. GIN, bitches GIN! We needed BOOZE! Fuck water…they should’ve be pouring those bottles on the, ON FIRE carriage, infront of us! I swear the trolley dollies are LOSING their touch! If i’m burning alive, you can bet i want to do it sauced up!

By this point everyones all sweaty and mildy frustrated. (I knew the happy attitude wouldn’t last too long. 🙂 ) I had a Brazillian next to me, who i blamed for the fire. He had lost his luggage at an airport. Apparently, on every piece of transportation he had been on that day…(and it was only 12.32pm) some sort of chaos had occured. GREAT! I should’ve booted him off the train, that chaos carrying, transport.. hot.. hot, wished he was shirtless, male! I mean his OWN goddman legs didn’t seem to beable to function him towards the toilet, without breaking down. He tripped over my foot, swore, realized i was ‘off the telly’ and started sucking up to me. I did like him though. I love panicked brazillians. They’re aggression turns me on. *Spicy!*(The sucking up could’ve actually made me like him. I can’t quite remember?) He made me want to samba. Yet felt it inappropriate for such a situation! (I had a pretend, *panic* face on. It worked. I looked like a doll, who could’ve used a muscle bound cuddle. 🙂 )

Also (in my surrounding area) was a chick who was filming for the ‘5 o clock show.’ She was apparently going to give someone a makeover in Leeds, and she had a letter from Fern Britton in her bag. She kept looking at me oddly and wanting to wee ALL  the time. I remember her telling another posh grandmother type, who was sat opposite her, at a table, that the episode aired in two weeks, and she was flustered because she was going to be late for filming. Infact, she was a bit showy-offy and i was ear-wigging on her conversation, whilst being sat behind her…with my Evian and my rice pudding snack. (I’m really good at peeking with my ears!) But whatever, she’s proud of her job..and i love show-offs…they make me smile! I’m a show-off, but unfortunately quite rubbish at most things! I’ve turned *tragic* into an art! My insanity, isn’t too bad though. It works for me.  I have a lot of members of the world rooting for me to WIN at life!

I can’t quite remember what else happened? But the train began to move (YIPPEE) and i was soon in Leeds, where i was met by my EVER SO HANDSOME boy of ‘lover lover.’ Oh my god, he looked delicious. He had just come from work and he was all suited and tied, and far too yummy for any kitties eyes. I *bimbo* stared at him, all wide eyed and smiley. (He’s a boy who brings out the *cute* in me. He finds it and yanks it out of my system. I *yank* things out of system…:)..but it usually ends in a tissue wipe up, or a shower.)

Bottom line, he looked GORGEOUS and i LOVE beautiful things…be they people, projects, or purses. I enjoy being around beauty and ‘ooh laa.’ He was so ‘yummy scrummy, fill my tummy’ you could have served him up for dinner with a rose and a love song. I noticed that  everyone was staring at him. I like that…and not simply because i’m an ego maniac, yet mainly because he’s a naturally a shy boy. The *stares* of adoration, build his confidence and when a boy is confident… he can conquer the world. My job is to love him and make sure he knows how wonderful he is. I’m good like that…and i also have great boobs. Perfect motivation for any dear fellow. They follow curves. (Remember that Kittens.)

Anyway, (sorry i keep getting distracted by *smut*) like the true gent that he is, he walked me to ‘Henry’s’ in Leeds, for a lovely lunch…where we dined on steak and avocadoed chicken, with virgin and non-virgin cocktails. (I love that now i’m *tee-total* i over use the word ‘Virgin.’ It’s the only moment in my life, where i get to say it these days!) He was dressed all ‘business’ and i was dressed like sexy, hip hop Barbie. We enjoyed every moment of each others company and spent the entire rest of the evening together. I like that Pete never takes me for granted. He is always grateful for my existance and the fact that i adore him…as am I! Even though he did say that i was pretty much an alcoholic before this last 2 weeks. HOW DARE HE INSULT MY UTTER KITTY BEING!!! ‘ALMOST???’ Ooh the cheek. How rude! I was a very proud, full fledged DRINKER, I thankyou very much! Not an ALMOST! Socialite much? Ugh…i worked so hard at that talent and too hard for it to be almost an addiction!  )

What i will tell you, form what i’ve learnt is that…you sort of have to go through a lot of heartache in order to finally appreciate a decent ANYTHING…when you have it. Whether it be a boy, a career, a lifestyle, a world, a thought?  I learnt the hard way, yeah. But now i don’t regret it and i’ve never been one to say that i do not regret things that have happened to me in life. I’ve always said that I do…because i’ve been through so many bad bad things, that i really didn’t need to tango with. I’m just have a love for dance, i guess? (God, i’m having a baby Kleenex moment. *Tragic.*) I truely believe that no matter what you go through, you are simply being prepped for what lies ahead. Trust me on this one….you will get your happy ending…and it won’t end with an echoing *Fifty dollars?* I came out the other end smiling….and if i can do it…YOU CAN TO!!


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