Under my Spell

Determind to not be woken up by the sound of drills, hammers and delicious minimum wage workmen of ‘hottie,’ falling through my ceiling, i decided to rise at some godforsaken time of the devil. I wiggled and bounced up merrily at 8am, smile in tact, boobs all a jubblies, fooled my kittens into believing they were going on holiday, yet instead had to close them in their Kitty playroom. I can’ thave the workman, no matter how shirtless they are treading on my Kittens. If they can’t balance appropriately on sturdy wooden floors, then they surely can’t refrain from stomping upon my domestic kitties of ‘ooh laa.’ (I’m a great mother to them. I must be. I mean, they’re still alive and everything. They get their makeup applied and infact even get massages. Gay Adam’s hamster is dead. It’s eye fell out and now it’s not even moving. Remind me not to make him GodFather of any of my future glamourously bitchy children. I want them to have eyes.)

Anyway, i woke up at 8am, to the soothing sounds of birds chirping. It really did make a difference. If you wake up to *insanity* your day will follow suit, unless you snap out of it. I’m positve, loving  and bubbly at the best of times, but if i wake up to men scratching their crotches, whilst drilling my walls, and falling through my floorboards, i’m moody…and not even the fun ‘GET OUT OF MY WAY AND FAN ME’ kind. The workmen usually turn up at the crack of dawn (9am.) However today and because i woke up early, they decided to not arrive until 10am. Bastards! (*Flashback* of Hot Matty waking up in my bed in West Hollywood, after bonking and saying ‘Is that a jack hammer?‘)

I’m slowly noticing that i’m awful. Lol. Even though i’m rather girly, i have unfortunate distinct male tendencies and i don’t know why? For example…I enjoy the fact that I’ve slept with Hot Matty, and simply because he’s hot and EVERYONE wants to sleep with him! Like a boy, i boast about my conquest egotistically, to anyone who will listen. I’ll show off, i’ll *tarzan* my chest, i’ll hand myself trophies, post pictures of my bonky and then point at the notch (gleefully) that with lay upon my bedpost! This is crude behaviour. However, i adore it far to much to quit…just yet! I’ll never grow up. I have a giddy, hunger in my eyes that prey for my next bit fo excitment. *Downs umbrella drink.*

Already today, i’ve been called an angel in disguise. I prefer to think that i’m not actually ‘in disguise.’ It’s more that my wings are still of the *learner* variety.  (‘Here she comes, ‘L’ Plates and everything!!’) Gok Wans reality show script (briefly) insinuated that i’m the kinda girl that may make other girls feel bad about themselves due to my *fake* boobies, tanned, glamourorus look. Erm…i’m Hot, extravagant and delicious. I’m confident. I celebrate ME and ENCOURAGE others, no matter how they be or who they be to celebrate THEMSELVES!! I don’t try to make people be me, i try and aid people in the art of finding their true happiness, helping them believe that their dreams can come true. I encourage them to find what they think is ‘ooh laa’ about themselves and give them the cconfidence to *rock it* like a champion. It is just as judgemental to say a chickadoodee is a ‘fake hottie’ as it is to say a chick is ‘fat and ugly.’ I’m not that girl.  I playfully adore everyone with an open heart, a cocktail and a cuddle. (Yet more the shirtless men with six packs.) Good or bad, don’t let people judge you. Believe in YOU, life and love and feel comfort in the fact that you’re going to be okay! We’re human beings and we’re always trying to complicate things. Look at the bigegr picture and don’t take yourself or life so seriously. Have fun! I’ve been through the most horrific *oopsies* in the world ever, infact i did it the Hollywood way (i kept it *danger danger*)…and well if i can make it to 29, perfectly glued together and stand here smiling, then i know YOU CAN TOOOO Dollies! HAHA! (Don’t play with fire, or have orgies with oldies. The fire will give you herpes, and the orgies will totally burn you.)

Other than that, this morning i have encourgaed a young boy to go forth and cup him his dream of being a Superstar Basketball player. He’s young and believes he can’t do it. When i was young, i believed that there was nothing that  I couldn’t do? Its random how now the kids of today are mildy insecure. The nation has taught them that dreams don’t come true, to the point where now, we crave shows on the telly where in which people WIN a *dream come true* like it’s some kind of miracle. Well it’s NOT! You can make ANYTHING happen. Be focused, determind and do not get distracted. It takes time, work and love. Have fun with it…do it on gin.

On the love front, Loverboy and I are still going strong. I’m actually going to be his wake up call this morning. I’ve been int=struted to call him at 11am. I’m an early riser. i can go to bed at 6am and wake up at some normal-ish time. I just *spring up* merrily and looking for kittens, bubbles and adventure. He’s lazy…and claims it’s not because he’s half black. (That was a joke, before you all start!) Loverboy and I aren’t actually living in sin yet…but he’s wanting to. (As in moved in together.) My friend John Danners, chatted with me this morning and informed me that i must have bribed him with ‘Haribo and Breasts.’ Johns my friend again now after storming off in a cyberland *huff* because i wasn’t giving him enough attention…or was that respect? Men always come back…and yes i think it’s because i have boobs and i probably WILL talk to them. Bottom line…’Daners’ believes Loverboy is ‘under my spell’ and quite frankly he is…which i stated is a rather unfortunate place for any being to be really. I’ve tricked him into adoring me. Yipppeee!

Work-wise, I have a book, a cosmetics line, a song and a show tinkering their way to you. (Well to the Americans first…they like me more over there and i think it’s because i served my time in Hollywood. I’m in a decent position. I mean, you could go to LA, an already famous British actor and end up having to be a waiter there on the sly…i spotted many..one of them served at my wedding. Even my mum was like ‘Omg that’s her from Eastenders!’ If you’ve served your time, you know the city, you know how it works, who to play with and have everyone in that town knowing who you are..then you are easy sailing. You do not have to have a degree in anything, but balls. It IS all about who you know…and well my career is right now all about it over there. It always has been!)

Right now it seems like i’m being quiet, but i’m not. I’ve learnt from someone i know very personally and well they taught me how to get ahead in life. People get ahead in the time that others waste. Instead of trying to hang out and be seen with celebrities, or make them date me or showing off about nothing to interesting (i’ve been there, done that, been 20)…i’m studying my craft, knuckling down and practising the art of dedication.  And yeah, fair enough it is the tragic craft of jiggery pokery in a Glamour Pussy fashion. But watch this space. I’m currently using my time wisely. *Sizzle-sizzle* and i think that what you don’t know is that, fame doesn’t matter to me as much as inspiring others and money does! The inspiring others part, makes me get that *warm fuzzy* we crave for on a daily (It’s happiness. I’ve touched someone life and helped them. It feels good.) The money part i find delicious and because we all need to make a living. I want to beable to buy as much lipgloss as this world holds. I want a future for my kids (that i don’t actually have yet) and a life that i dreamed of. You don’t have to feel bad for saying you enjoy monkey making. I know far too many people in entertainment that do far too many things for free. They do things for free because they want the fame and hope the fame will grant them a future. Don’t let people take advantge of you. If you let them…they will!

Ps/ I forgot to tell you that last night i had to do a poo, in a pitch black bathroom, whilst holding a torch. It was like the Blair Witch project…but shitter. 🙂





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