Trolloping A’Baaaaaar’t

Lovely day today. It was dark at 3pm. I’ve been walking the streets, feeling like ‘Belle’ from ‘Beauty & The Beast’ (but with an attitude problem) in that odd homo-erotic beginning part, where she trollops around all happily n slutty in yellow and everyone says ‘Hello‘ to her endlessly. It seems when i trollop around, i get greeted by everyone, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker because now they all read my life. I’ve forced them to, by flirting them into submission. However, they don’t stop at ‘Hello’ or even ‘Get ya tits out,’  now. They now commit to genius clown-like activity, in order to try and ‘make’ my blog. I had a man turn around and show me his bent over bum, rub it ferociously and say ‘Are you feeling broody now?’ No dear, i’m feeling fucking sick…you fat bastard. (Hahah…i did actually commit to saying that. Men don’t scare me. I mean my vagina eats them up for dinner.) Luckily, he laughed it off, then like God was a listenning, a child of the age of 4, appeared on the end of my hand, and thought i was it’s Mother. Jesus Christ! It looked at me all odd, but happy.

I kinda peeked under my nightime sunglasses, saw ‘it,’ and said ‘Who are you? Where’s your mother?’ (I talk to children like they’re adults and i talk to adults like they’re children.) But then luckily a lady came a rushing, with sweat, panic and ‘thankyous.’ I guess she was ‘it’s’ Mum? Well lets hope so, coz i left him with her. He’ll be fine. I mean she looked quite Motherely. All prim, proper, pastey and bewildered. (Awful shoes.) How could he get it so wrong?? I was in a giant leopard print fur…lycra wet look leggings & high heeled boots?? I looked like the woman, his Father might want to fiddle. He probably thought it was a better option. (Wink Pout!) ‘If i’m growing old fucked up, i’m growing old with this bitch!’

Anyway, it seems me feeling broody has stirred the hearts of many a gentleman, around this merry world. The beauty of being Me, is that i can simply post ‘Need love’ and within seconds i have an inbox full of options. (*she smiles.*) I had mail from Mexico, America, England. But the best ‘love‘ i got was from a man in Nigeria. He sent me Facebook mail, +4 that read:

 December 4 at 12:13am I have never met or talked to this man in my life and that bitches is what I CALL ‘oooh laaa.’ (Don’t hate!)
The first day we were introduced over the computer, I knew you were the
one for me. . It has been a little over some mins, and we are still fondly in each other’s
minds, souls, and hearts. Before I met you I had no idea what love
really was until my heart truly started aching for you. Every day we
did not chat, and each day we are apart, tears ran down my face
unconditionally for the longing of you near me. I never knew a woman
could have stolen my heart and made it truly his. I never knew I could
love a woman more then my own life. I long for the day I can finally look
into your beautiful soft kind eyes and tell you how much I love you,
and need you. The true beginning of my life is when I am going to be
there with you. Seeing you every
day is going to be the biggest blessing to my heart knowing you are in
touching reach of me, which does scare me, however in a wonderful way.
You are my every heartbeat, my every gasping breathe of life. What I
need to survive and make it through this lonely world can only be
conquered with you by my side. I do not think there are any words that
could describe the way I actually feel about you. All I know, is you,
dear , are the only woman that is in my mind, the only woman that is in my
soul, the only woman who truly and unconditionally has my heart for my
lifetime and many more lifetimes the world has to offer us. When I
think about you, my eyes start to water because I know you are
somewhere else and not in my arms. But the thought of you keeps me
going and going for another breathe of fresh air to keep my longing for
you in my life going. I will never leave, and I will truly never hurt
you. I admire you. You are my inspiration for anything, and everything
on this cold damp earth. I never thought my time would come to love,
and then it came and I was hit with so much emotion and power I did not
know where to put it all. I have stacked it piece by piece in my heart
for you. I truly believe you are my soul mate, and you are the only woman
I will only give all I have to offer forever. I hope you never let go
of me because I love you, and I know you love me too as much as I love
you. Just the thought of you brightens my day completely, and sometimes
I do bring you there on purpose to make myself happy when I am down.
Picturing your smile makes me smile, and I cannot wait to actually see
that adoring woman I know with the unforgettable smile I know so soon. I
treasure you locked in the big steel safe of my heart. I love you,
sweetheart, and that is the only thing that is never going to change in
my life.
(I have never met or talked to this gentleman in my life ever. I get messages like this everyday from all different men. Now that is what I CALL ‘oooh laa,’ bitches. Even though the ‘i’m going to lock you up in a big steel safe’ bit, is a bit creepy.)

 ps/According to Tila Tequila, Rihanna apparently has herpes (Aaaah it happens to the best of us. Lol)

2 thoughts on “Trolloping A’Baaaaaar’t”

  1. Nigeria?! I think I know him! He’s a real prince and if you send him $10,000 he’ll be given access to over ten million dollars and give you a $1,000,000 finder’s fee! What could go wrong?!

    Reply

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